Below is a birth mother’s story.
I was recently on-line and came across her story and thought it would be great to share how adoption affects the birth mother. I sent a quick note to the birth mother asking if I could interview her to get her story and she graciously agreed. She only asked that I not use her name.
This posts really excites because for so many years I assumed my birth mother gave me up and never looked back. This story helps me to understand it wasn’t as easy as I thought for my birth mother.
On Wednesday, March 3,2010 I will follow up this post with an interview with this birth mom to further explore her side of the adoption triade.
These are her words and her story.
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I am a birthmother who placed my daughter up for adoption 15 years ago. I was in high school (the summer of 12th grade year 1993) when I started dating the birthfather. I actually grew up with him and to be honest he was my very first real relationship. I was a cheerleader and track star and her dad was a wonderful basketball and football player. I was 17 when I became pregnant and the birthfather was 16 years old. I was raised by my grandmother (paternal side) in Maryland, she has a very strong personality, so when I found out I was pregnant I was extremely afraid! I hid the pregnancy for 6 months. Only the father knew…I had graduated from high school and entered into a community college in our area. I knew I had to tell her so I finally went to my grandmother with the help/support of my sister and told her I was pregnant. She was angry and very quiet. I knew what she was thinking: we were raised in the church so embarrassment was written all over her face. The next day she told me I was going to have an abortion. She didn’t talk to me except to tell me the steps of this process. She made the appointment, and the doctor examined me and told me that I was too far along. My grandmother called me a liar, then told me that I would have to go and live with my father in California and have my baby there and completely shut down after that. We got home I called my daddy and it took my grandmother less than a week for me to be on a plane headed to California. I had to drop out of college, say goodbye to my sister (not just my sister, but my TWIN), my boyfriend, and lie to my friends and family as to why I was leaving so quickly…I told them that I was going to bring my aunt back home to Maryland. My Aunt had recently been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. No one took me to the airport I had to take a taxi alone. I left October 6, 1994. My father welcomed me with loving arms and when I saw him I broke down. When I finally got settled, my dad called my grandmother and I was told to place my child up for adoption. My dad spoke to a close friend at work and she recommended a wonderful adoption agency out of Los Angeles. With my initial meeting with my social worker Mrs. Bowman she was sweet, gentle, she listened to me intently and was very honest with me. A few days later my dad surprised me with the news that my sister was coming to California to share in our birthday (November). That was the happiest day I felt in my life. My goodness I missed her so much! In the first week of December I had a meeting with the potential adoptive parents attorney. He was also very honest, and I believed he cared. We had two potential families. They were high profile families so I immediately understood that this would be a closed adoption. I was given non-identifying information on the parents and had to make a decision. Even though I wasn’t given identifying information I knew exactly who the couple was. After the meeting I came home and got in the shower and cried like baby…I went into labor December 20th, but didn’t give birth to my baby girl until the next morning. I had a c-section so I was able to stay in the hospital for three days. After giving birth she was placed in an incubator, she was stressed because they broke my water and waited so long to decide to give me a c-section. I was bombarded with so much pain while I set there in that hospital bed. My social worker came to see me and go over my next steps. My daughter was able to leave on day 2 and I asked her to ask the family if she could stay one more day with me. They complied and my daddy even called my grandmother and said “mom are you sure we’re doing the right thing?”, she told him that I could stay there and raise her 
. On the last day my dad and I went down to the nursery and held her for as long as I could before I was discharged and cried together. I had some request before I left that hospital. I needed a picture of her (my social worker had taken a Polaroid picture of her since the photographer was out sick-of course!), her hospital band, her vital stats after birth, her wittle foot prints on a birth certification card from the hospital, and the tag that was on her bassinet.. I did not want her to go into foster care, even though it would have only been for the weekend, I just really wanted the family to share Christmas Day. I left the hospital December 23rd and went directly to the agency to sign the papers. After we got home I held the items that I got from the hospital and laid down and cried for hours…I tried to make myself believe that I was doing the right thing, or saying this is what is best for her, but I was just angry. I had my final appointment to remove the stitches ( I know it is weird but I kept those as well) and got the ok to go back home. The lie that I told about why I was coming to California ended up not being a lie at all. In addition to dealing with my adoption, I was preparing for my aunt to actually come back home with me and she did. 3 1/2 months later my aunt and I were on a plane headed back to Maryland, but life had changed drastically! The relationship with my grandmother was quiet and no one talked about anything. I was so excited to be home, I put on a front during the day and cried myself to sleep at night. In June I received a professional picture of my daughter (4 months old) and with that a letter from the my social worker saying that she couldn’t handle the business any longer after my case and decided to leave the company, she too was pregnant during the same time.
I tried going back to college but I couldn’t focus on school or anything else for that matter. I got a job and tried to move on with my life. My relationship with her father was up and down for the next few years. We celebrated her birthdays together and he wasn’t the stay in a relationship type of guy, but I tried to make it work. We had another child a son four years later and 4 months after giving birth to him I moved back with my grandmother and never looked back (in that relationship).
I am thankful for my relationship with Christ. He keeps me at peace and those days that I am feeling low he picks me up and tells me how much he loves me. I know for a fact that if it had not been for him I would not be where I am today. He created a wonderful man of God that supports me and is a great father to my son (my husband)!
Oh Wow! That was powerful… I think about my daughter’s birthmother often. Although the circumstances of the international adoption will never allow us to know her identity… She is worth honoring. the title “birthmother” doesn’t give her justice. She is the giver of life, the woman who chose life for my daughter under unknown difficult circumstances. My daughter, when she is older, will of course be allowed to question the decisions her birth mother made… But my role as an adoptive Mother is not to cast judgment but to be thankful for this woman’s place in God’s wondrous plan.
Wow, what a heartache to have to go through. Appreciate so much that she was willing to share her story. I too, think of the women that gave life to our three little adopted girls. Our adoptions are all closed but many times I wish that they could see them and just know that they are well loved and cherished. My heart has always gone out to these women because a mother’s heart knows that it just can’t be easy to make the decision to give your child to someone else. There’s a program on TV called “16 and Pregnant”or Pregnant and 16 but it is very interesting to be able to see how these gals and boyfriends manage and how it affects them. Only one of the couples gave their child up for adoption and ONLY because they thought that it was the best option for their child. Definitely was not easy for them and they think of her all the time and look forward to pictures and letters of how she’s doing.
I think that sometimes the general public seem to think that a birth mom just gives her child up easily so that she can get on with her life. I really think that is probably the minority of cases. Thanks again for sharing this with all of us.
Very moving…I think the part that hit me hardest was how the birth mother seemed to have no choice about whether the adoption was closed or open.
WOW! I already am very sympathetic but your story really hit home to me! For one thing, we are the same age so I couldn’t help but put myself in your shoes and think of how differently my life could have gone. Sometimes it can be so unfair! Have you been able to meet your daughter or can you only admire her from afar? It’s so nice that at least you knew who they were so you could follow her and find her. I know a couple of birthmothers who may never know what happened to their children. It’s just heartbreaking!
That was so moving… and it brought back to mind the women I knew in my early 20s who chose an abortion instead. They also felt the horrible loss of their child, just like this mother, and even though they were adults, they also felt they had no choice in their situation.
It’s so sad… families are supposed to support you, not turn you away. All three of my children are adopted from a country where there are no birth records, so we will never be able to find their birth mothers — a horrible situation to be in when your child just wants to know what their birth mom looks like, why they had to give them up.
I too, am a birthmom. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my son. Thanks for sharing this.
You will never know what reading this does for me… As a birth mother I can only tell you that most people will never understand the gravity or impact giving your child up for adoption. I think we move on but never forget. I can’t imagine never knowing and I’m so blessed that I finally found my baby girl…
Sending Big Hugs out to the birth mother whom I have known since the 5th grade. I remember this time and I am so glad that you have finally been granted an arena to be open and share your experience and deep hurt over the whole situation. Healing is an integral part to growth and most often the openness and exposure of a wound is key for that healing to happen. I am so proud of YOU!! I know that God will continue to bless you in ways you can’t imagine and Prayerfully in the future circumstances may change for you and your family to come together and experience all the love and affection that you are saving inside.
I LOVE YOU!!
My God, where do I start with writing this (as tears fall from face) I hope that there are more mothers like my cousin, and I actually stopped to think about the decisions that I had made when I was in high school, but my choices wasnt given up my child for adoption but it was abortion, I never got the chance to give the child that I carried for 2 months the chance to smile or even have someone enjoy the fact that they had someone to love besides themselves, and I screamed at nights after the fact of thinking that my mother was going to put me out if I had my child, and take away everything that I had, so I had no choice! When I often look back I felt so wrong and so bad for the fact that I could not make the choice, and just reading what my cousin went through, I cry even more, knowing that God gave us a second chance at being a mother, He is a AWESOME GOD! Cousin if you are reading this I love you and I thank for for helping me understand that its okay, and their is a healing point and its when you can smile and say Forgive me God!
Thank you so much for sharing.
BirthMoms are angels on Earth. That they have that much strength and selflessness, to me, is almost too much to imagine.
I’m an adoptive Mom in a semi-open relationship. I thank my son’s BirthMom every day for making the choice to place him with me. We send cards and photos of our son 1-3 times per year, through the agency. I wonder if his BirthMom receives them.
I wonder if this arrangement (semi-open) would be better for a BirthMom, if it would somehow ease the pain, rather than having a completely closed adoption. Do the photos cause her pain? Of does she feel comfort in knowing he is happy, healthy and well-loved?
Did we make the right choice in choosing to go into a semi-open adoption? I probably will never know. One thing I do know is that my son thinks about his Birthmom a lot. We talk about her, and he brings up questions. He is only 6, but some day when he is older and able to understand better, we will meet her.
Wow! I am amazed at your strength! You should honor yourself every day. I don’t know of anyone who want their children to experience teenage pregnancy, but support and more support would be of utmost importance – I am glad for you that your father seemed to give you that.