Sitting in a cool and airy church that was more like a barn, in late July in Pacific Grove California, I was surrounded by adult transracial adoptees as we viewed the movie, Off and Running. The film is a documentary about the life of fellow transracial adoptee, Avery Klein-Cloud, who is black, and her transracial family.
The documentary has recently been shown on PBS as part of their series on transracial adoption and centers on Avery’s struggle as a teen with her racial identity. Avery also struggles with trying to figure out who she really is as a person.
Avery was raised in Brooklyn, New York, by two white Jewish mothers, and her family also includes her older biracial brother Samuel, and younger Korean brother, Isaiah.
During the film we learn of Avery’s compelling desire to find her birth mother. As Avery responds to connecting with her birth mother then being rejected by her birth mother, we get to see the affect this has, not only on her, but also on the family. The mothers and even her older brother really struggle with trying to understand why this is so important to Avery.
As a parent, I understood and yet was disappointed in the responses from her mothers. They responded with frustration when Avery tried over and over again to connect with herbirth mother, who it obviously didn’t want to connect with Avery. It is tough as a parent to see your child hurting, know the source of the pain, and then watch your child continue to run back to that source to only be subjected to more pain. In the mothers’ pain they responded in a way that Avery saw as less than encouraging and this begins the unraveling of their family.
The ribbons of Avery’s teenage life quickly pull apart and soon she is no longer living at home, has dropped out of high school, and her promising track career appears to be circling the drain with everything else.
Her new black friends provide comfort and acceptance to Avery who is trying to find who she is and where she belongs. Although Avery grew up in a diverse city, her all black high school provides her with her first experience being around other black children. She manages to find a group of black teenagers who accept her for who she is and welcome her into their black family.
Her interactions with her black friends are very familiar to me. The way they talk openly about Avery’s unusual background and joke about. The way she was so appreciative to find a group that was so willing to bring her in and teach her about being a black teenager. It was like I was watching my own experience on the screen. She finds calm, relaxed acceptance and that is such a comfortable place to just sit in and breathe.
By the film’s end, the ribbons that unraveled are tied up neatly into a bow and the film gives promise that after Avery lost her way, she regains her balance and is back on track.
When the movie ended and I sat in the breezy church in the dark as someone fumbled for the lights, I thought it was great to see a positive movie about transracial adoption. I was excited that the film also showed the possible struggles that could result from growing up in a transracial family.
When the lights came on, we all moved in to a circle to discuss our reactions to the movie. This type of scenario is intimidating for me because rarely do I see the deeper meaning in film. My wife and I can go see a film and afterward she will bring up these deep concepts that sailed two to three stories over my head. I guess that is why I love great action movies; no deep concepts, just explosions and carnage.
As we sat in the circle different transracial adoptees voiced what they saw. The idea that the movie ended too perfect was mentioned. The idea that Avery was portrayed as the rebellious adoptee who created her own problems and only when she conformed to what her moms wanted did her life turn around was presented. The thought that Samuel, the obedient adoptee, was seen as having a charmed life soon followed. The summation that adoptees who question things are headed for trouble, and adoptees who flow with the system set up will get much further, rang loudly in many ears. I sat quietly, because nothing was ringing in my ears, after all there were no explosions, or car chases that I could analyze.
The inability of the moms to objectively discuss and support Avery in her search for her birth mother was also discussed. The selfishness of the moms that seemed to trump Avery’s need to know and the reoccurring theme that adoptees don’t matter also was mentioned.
As I walked back to my cabin, I realized my career in being a film critic was done. I also realized the things that I missed were worth discussing and thinking about and the input from adoptees is priceless. The lens with which adoptees view things is often ignored or worse never requested. It is in the different perspectives where we find invaluable ways to learn and how to do things differently.
Thank you very much for your thoughts on this film.
Above all, it left me frustrated that the moms, who clearly love their kids deeply, seemed to not even have the vocabulary to discuss with Avery the things she wanted to discuss. It bothered me that they sent subtle and not-so-subtle messages to her that invalidated her search. Sad.
LikeLike
Thank you. I watched this film from the perspective of a white mom with a biracial son and black father, as a prospective Adoptive mom and as someone who had lived in Brooklyn for many years. I hesitate to react to what the parents actually thought or felt because the film covers several months of their lives and of course edits it down to a couple of hours. It may be that the parents were supportive the first few times she came to them but after seeing her hurt so badly they were less so. Not saying they were but it’s possible. That said, the way the film portrays the parents attitude it was deeply upsetting. I was also grieved to see that it wasn’t until high school that she had an opportunity to be with other black people on a daily basis. I kept wondering if she had gone to a black grade school would she not be going through the identity crisis that she was. What if she had to handle the birth mother rejection alone and not the race issues. I think having to handle both issues at the same time, her racial identity and her desire to reconnect with her birth mother, was completely overwhelming for her. My heart ached for this sweet, sensitive, intelligent girl.
I agree with the people who felt the film seemed to be a good vs bad adoptee scenario. I also think the fact that the boy is fair skinned, green eyed black man and that she has darker skin and eyes is important. I would have liked the film to address his thoughts on being biracial and how that might have affected his feelings of being black.
LikeLike
I agree with you Kristine. And thanks for your post, Kevin. I agree with your friends at the screening–it played out too much as “The summation that adoptees who question things are headed for trouble, and adoptees who flow with the system set up will get much further…” But I’m glad for Avery’s sake that her story (even this version)was told.
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing this – I stumbled across your blog while looking for online reactions to the documentary.
Coming from my limited perspective as an AP, I generally thought the film was very well done, and liked the fact that Avery was a central part of editing/creating the final product (which wasn’t mentioned in the film, I believe, but which I read elsewhere). I’ve never made a film, so I know nothing about how editing decisions get made and how endings are chosen, but I liked that we got a birdseye view of some things that aren’t typically included in the standard (AP-centered) transracial adoption narrative.
Three significant moments early in the film that really pained me: a scene in which one of her mothers said to Avery “I’ll tell you who you are.” WHOA. Right then and there you could see the train wreck coming. The other moment was when Avery was talking with this same mother about getting her hair braided in a salon and the mother was trying to convince her to have her other mother do her hair. She was completely missing why it was emotionally and culturally significant to Avery. Train wreck clue #2. The third was the scene where Avery was talking about her need to connect with her birthmother and one of the mothers was clearly angry that she was still reaching for the brithmom despite having been rejected. The mother’s reaction was about her own “stuff” and not meeting Avery where she was at. Train wreck clue #3.
LikeLike
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this film. I too think I miss out on the deeper understanding of a lot of films that require more thought to really grasp what the meaning was. I would love to attend showings of films where someone else can explain some of the higher order thoughts. And when it comes to adoption? Definitely.
LikeLike
I watched the film again (on Netflix) and I heard something I must not have paid attention to the first time I saw it–when the mama was saying “it’s like something really traumatic happened to her, but I don’t think it really did!” As an adult adoptee and adoptive mom (transracially), just the fact that the child is adopted is traumatic enough. I thought her comment was insensitive, which is why she comes across as not understanding Avery. I thought Rafi is quite self-possessed for a young man of his age, but I thought all three kids were well-esteemed–and perhaps that has to do with the way their moms are (seem to be very matter-of-fact, not very warm and fuzzy). So the kids are well-spoken, but perhaps not feeling very emotionally supported–and it’s Avery that’s more sensitive about it.
LikeLike
I have felt driven to collect as much info about my two daughters’ birth families as I have been able to over the years since they have joined our family. For one daughter I have direct contact and occasional visits with her birthmother. I have facts on birthfather and have debated whether or not to try contacting him because this daughter is mentally handicapped and would not be capable of establishing any type of long distance relationship so who am I benefiting by opening that door? It feels selfish to me because I am the only one I’m aware of that wants more contact.
Daughter number two was abandoned by birthmother who clearly did not want contact. We have facts and sibling info for her thankfully. I’ve even been able to trace a few genealogical lines back in time for her. The saddest part of all the birthparent stories is that my daughter is obviously biracial and her birthfather is completely unknown to us. At this point I have no idea how we can ever find out about the black part of her identity. Birthmother listed a white man as the father on the BC, which court-ordered dna proved to be false. But without a name from birthmother we have nothing to even start with. The lifestyle of the birthmother suggests she may not even know the name of the man, should she remember him at this point, and should we ever be able to track her down and make contact. I feel such a loss for my daughter and I don’t even know if she will ever care. I have to remind myself that she may not and I can’t impose my feelings on her. I think it’s heartbreaking when an adoptive parent tries to brush adoption under the mat, or worse, make the child feel they are wrong for having feelings about it. I came across this post after perusing your blog and reading about your search for your birthmother and her family. I can’t seem to find any new posts about the search for your birthfather so I guess the court is taking it’s sweet time. I find myself anxious for you to find the black part of your history and hope that it will give me encouragement on behalf of my daughter.
LikeLike
Melissa,
I have not begun the search for my birth father yet. It is very common for adoptees to wax and wane about searching and I just don’t feel like going through that emotional ride just yet. Also the frustration I feel about not being able to get my information without paying the courts has me stalled. I am very bitter about the fact that I don’t have the right to get this information on my own. To have to pay $350.00 for MY OWN INFORMATION is very frustrating. Once I get over the bitterness, and feel up to it I will search for my father’s family. That connection is important to me.
LikeLike
I can totally understand your frustration and bitterness. Even if the court would do it for free, it’s a helpless feeling to have to sit and wait for an employee who has no personal stake in the results acting on your behalf. We almost lost contact with the birthmother we know when the agency acting as intermediary at the time got a letter returned. They sent us a note saying we’ll let you know if she ever contacts us. I told them to look up her mother’s address (with whom she lived at the time of the adoption) and try to contact her there. That worked and it was then that I gave the birthmother all of our contact info and suggested we contact each other directly from then on. It has been so much easier ever since!
I admire your courage and hope that it leads you to your other family. I have to get over my fear of the unknown to try to contact the birthmother who abandoned our daughter and see if she happens to remember the names of the possible fathers. What a question to have to ask a stranger whose child you are raising as your own! Many fears to get over…
LikeLike
If your daughter will get no benefit, what do you hope to achieve…….exactly,……. so what, her Dad was dark skinned, you must have noticed the youngster wasn’t Rinso White from early enough on…….. please?
LikeLike