I sat in a conference room in the Park Central Hotel in New York City; just two blocks south of Central Park. I was attending the adoption conference, Shedding Light on the Adoption Experience, put on by Adoption Crossroads, Adoption Healing.
My presentation wasn’t until the afternoon session so I decided to sit in on Joe Soll’s session, entitled, The Separation of Mother and Child…The Profound Effects on Both. Joe is an adoptee, author, lecturer and psychotherapist.
To be quite candid, I knew Joe was the organizer of the conference so I sat in on his session to do more networking than listening.
As his title implies, Joe spoke on the effects of the separation of a mother from her child specifically in adoption. He explained that studies have found the bonding process between mother and child begins no later than the third trimester of pregnancy and by the end of the third trimester the child can recognize his mother’s voice, and heartbeat and the voice of anyone else that is constantly around during this time.
The birthing process can be seen as a traumatic experience for the baby who is soothed by being placed on the mother’s chest close to the heartbeat the baby has come to know soon after the birth. The sound of the heartbeat and the mother’s voice are very comforting, and a natural way for the baby to calm down after the trauma of coming in to the world. Being with the mother, the baby has come to bond with, provides shelter and safety to a small child who was just seconds ago in the warmth of the womb. This bonding then continues and solidifies over the coming days and months. So what happens to the baby if this doesn’t occur?
I sat in the small conference room motionless and straining my brain to remember what if any contact I had with my birth mother. My memory database didn’t store information that far back so I was left to wonder. Up until this information, I assumed there were no effects of this separation because there was no bonding that occurred between me and my birth mother.
I wasn’t sure what Joe was telling me was true but I decided to tip toe down the path this scenario created to explore what truths or falsehoods maybe laid ahead.
There was a study done on the eye contact of newborns. The study concentrated on the intense starring that the baby does, soon after they are born, in to the face of their mother. Immediately, I recalled my own sons staring into my wife eyes as if she held the secrets of the world.
It was found that this intense starring actually helps exercise and develop the eyes. Those babies who had little to no opportunity to participate in this activity had significantly weaker eyes. Adoptees have been found to have more eye problems than non-adopted children.
Stunned I sat in my comfortable chair. My eyes have been horrid all my life. My eyesight is not just bad, it is scary-bad. I can’t function without contacts or glasses. I am legally blind without corrective lenses.
Maybe this is just a coincidence. Whether this was a coincidence or not, I sat up a little straighter and listened to Joe more intensely.
One step further I crept in to this theory being presented. It was theory to me because I didn’t know Joe or his sources so I was cautious not to swallow his hooked lure without really inspecting it further.
So I decided to entertain the idea that maybe there was this natural bond that occurred between child and mother prior to birth. It made sense and was logical, so I assumed there was this bond between my birth mother and me. Then soon after I was born I was taken away from the only safe thing I knew. Could that affect me or would I just forget it.
One more step.
Joe went on to explain that adoptees and birth mothers are told to just ignore this bond and separation as if it never happened and just move on. This separation was compared to a death that both parties were not allowed to grieve and often this caused the feelings of many adoptees and birth mothers to shut down; a defensive response to prevent similar pain in the future.
Pondering the application of this idea in my own life, it struck a nerve. The memory of my response when I found out my birth mother had died came screaming back to me. I found out at a football game via an email message sent to my phone that my birth mother died 6 years, 5 months and 6 days prior to me finding out who she was. The news stirred up nothing in me. I felt no sadness, no anger, and no pain and since then haven’t felt anything; the only feeling I can really say I felt was relief.
I continued to reflect on the fact that I can get up in front of groups of people and talk about deeply emotional issues in my life and not crack. So far, in my experiences, Joe was hitting the bulls eye every time he pulled back his bow.
So I continued to stroll down this virgin path.
I learned this separation gets translated into abandonment and rejection which can bring with them the fear of being loved or worthy. THUMP! These feelings hit dead center with me. I have struggled with these feelings my whole life and have spoke about this in prior posts.
It was further explained that the fear of being rejected can manifest itself into not wanting to have anything to do with the birth mother for fear of being rejected again. My feelings of relief when I discovered my birth mother was dead could be due to this fear of being rejected. Since she is dead she can’t reject me again and that translates in to relief.
This fear of being rejected can also play out when adoptees begin to explore finding their birth mothers. The fear of being rejected by the adoptive parents because an adoptee wants to find his birth mother can play a role in the search. Often times, adoptees resolve not to search for fear of being rejected by either side and so cling to the guaranteed, established relationship with adoptive parents and never bring up the desire to search.
Growing up I often thought about my birth mother but never voiced it to my adoptive parents because I didn’t want to hurt my Mom and Dad. There maybe some truth to the idea that I also didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to open myself up to a negative response; rejection. Did I think my parents would respond negatively? I was 95% sure they wouldn’t but not bringing it up assured me of better results.
One last step.
It was explained that often times adoptees concentrate on finding and searching for their birth mother but not the birth father. The birth father doesn’t captivate a lot of adoptees like the birth mother does. This is because the bond that was established with the birth mother may not have occurred with the birth father. It is possible for a child in the womb to recognize other voices who are around on a consistent basis but if the birth father was never around while the birth mother was pregnant that bond can’t take place.
Dead center again!
I have always wondered about my birth mother and often thought about her but rarely have I thought about my birth father and for me I never could explain why that was until Joe shot this last piercing arrow. It is a strong possibility for me that my birth father was not around much during the pregnancy because both my birth parents were married to someone else making quiet time between them difficult.
After the session, I wondered what would happen if all adoptive parents had access to this information. It seems it may help a lot of parents to understand their children better. To be open to the possibility that adoption can cause some deeper issues than we initially realize, I think will help many to see why certain things may be done and said by adoptees.
I can only speak for how the information spoke to me as an adoptee and in the 75 minutes that I sat in this session I found great clarity in many areas as I strolled down this possible path.
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As a parent, I want to protect my children from any kind of pain. Of course that’s not possible, but I still wish I could. Thank you for shedding some light on the reactions of adopted children and birth mothers. It makes total sense to me, and it helps me understand the on-again off-again response of our son’s birthmother. First she wanted no contact at all, then she made contact, and then she reverted back to the “no contact” zone again. I hope the pendulum will swing back to “contact” so that our son can have a relationship with her. Thanks for an excellent and thought-provoking blog entry.
Just to provide some context, the info Joe provided is rock solid, based on sound scientific data. There have been many studies showing things like that shortly (i’m talking hours or days) after birth, an infant can tell their mother’s voice from others (looking at cool methods like meauring how much the infant sucks a pacifier to show what s/he recognizes).
Even if the infant is removed at birth, the impact is very real.
(I’m a developmental psychologist and know these data well).
Thank you for this post. I’m an adoptive mother. We adopted our daughter when she was 4-days old in a domestic, open adoption. For me, the experience was joyful, numbing, and sad.
My daughter wasn’t held by her birth mother until she was 3 or 4 days old, though she was held by her birth father on day 1 or 2. While I would have loved to have held her sooner myself (we got The Call when she was 3 days old), the pain I feel related to this is purely a pain for my daughter. While she’s blissfully unaware of it now, at 2.5 years old, I have often wondered about how that impacted her, or will impact her. I don’t hold it against her birth mother in any way, but I so wish her start to life had been more hands-on with her birth mother. Of course, who’s to know if that would be better or worse as it relates to the trauma an infant placed for adoption experiences. However, I’m inclined to believe contact is almost always better.
I suppose this post also struck a cord because our daughter now wears glasses because she’s far sighted.
Hey Kevin,
Have a blessed week.
All I can say is wow! I am thankful that I can receive/learn everyday I open my eyes…what great info! Thanks for this post.
I completely agree with this, Kevin. I’m also a psychologist and studied infant mental health specifically for 2 years (a long time before considering and completing an adoption), and have to echo the other psychologist’s comment that the science is indisputable on this issue. With my daughter, I took her to visit her birthmother when she was 8 weeks old. I was watching to see whether I could observe her recognizing her birthmother, which I expected her to do. In fact, she was quiet and watchful, which was quite different from her typical reaction to being given to a stranger. Seeing this reunion touched me deeply. My understanding of this dynamic is one of the reasons why I continue to try to facilitate an ongoing positive relationship with her birthparents. This of course does not eliminate the trauma of the loss that occurred with placement, but I think ameliorates it to some extent.
“Adoptees have been found to have more eye problems than non-adopted children.”
I want to know what study says that, how many people were involved, and if there was a control for children who had special needs or were in orphanages.
Study after study has actually shown that adoptees don’t suffer any more medical problems than children raised by their biological families. There are conflicting reports as to whether adolescent adoptees suffer from depression more than other adolescents, but that’s the only point of contention I’m aware of.
Very interesting post, well written, well thought out, point by point and how it made sense to you. Time Magazine has an article out this week (or next week) about Origins and the impact of the first 9 months – cannot remember the exact title but it ties into this thought process very well. It also delves into the different types of stress a mother can be subjected to and how that impacts the baby.
We are all unique and all impacted differently but I must ask – how many studies are needed? How many voices will it take to show there can be and is a connection between a baby and child, and when that connection is broken there can and most likely will be consequences. Different for each but consequences none the less.
Am I the only one that finds this depressing? It seems that no matter what we do, it won’t be enough to overcome the way our adoptive children start out in life. Are there any studies that show the benefits of children being raised by two parents in a loving home? I spent a lot of time speaking and singing to my infant children so they would learn my voice and to try and bond with them. My daughter’s birth mother didn’t want to see her and only after urging from the social worker did she agree to spend 30 minutes with her. She wanted a closed adoption, so we have no contact with her. I have no control over this and feel frustrated over this kind of data. I’m sure it’s true, but there has to be data that also shows the benefits of being adopted into a loving family.
Kristen,
Of course there are benefits but at the end of the day adoption is a bandaid solution not a cure. And promoting adoption as the best solution, it is clear it is not always the best solution because there are consequences. Adoption has to return to finding homes for babies – not marketing for mothers to surrender.
Kevin – feel free not to post this.
Sandy, your response doesn’t make any sense to me. Adoption CAN be a cure and often is. I don’t know what solutions you think are better than adoption… abortion? foster homes? orphanages? growing up with a birthfamily that can’t provide what is needed?
Let’s not lose sight of the bigger picture. If a woman is not prepared to become a mother but she is pregnant and doesn’t want to terminate the pregnancy, the stage is already set and at that point, many people believe (as do I) that adoption is not only the “best solution” but that it is a “great solution”. Yes, there are risks and losses in adoption but, you know what… that’s true for everything in life. We all suffer through our tragedies but that doesn’t mean we can’t recover. The key is using this information to understand the losses our children are experiencing so we can help them to recover and thrive despite them. Sounds to me like that’s exactly what Kristen is doing. That’s not a “bandaid” and to suggest so is dismissive and hurtful towards her and ALL parents who are working hard to build up their children dispite any particular tragedy they may be suffering from in their young lives.
What do you mean by “adoption has to return to finding homes for babies.” For me that’s what adoption is. There will always be couples, like us, who are unable to have biological children. There will also be young women who want their children to be raised in a two-parent home, which they cannot provide or who feel that for whatever reason their children would be better served in a different family. Why should we or they be judged poorly for that? It is still a far better option than abortion.
I know many adoptive people who do not suffer the emotions described by Joe Soll. Does that mean they are not self aware or in denial? I don’t think so.
My husband was raised in a home where prior to their divorce, his father hit his mother. While my husband’s siblings remember this, he doesn’t. I don’t think it’s necessary for him to search further or seek counseling until he is able to remember this. I think it’s far healthier for him to let it stay in his subconscious. I feel the same about adoption. If a child or adult doesn’t feel pain at the thought of their adoption, why should they seek for it? According to the “current adoptee” poster on another of your posts, he/she doesn’t feel this way.
I realize that my children may feel this way. And if they do, we will address it the best way we know how. But I am not going to regret adopting them because of it. I truly don’t believe they will regret their adoption either, even if there is some pain associated with it.
P.S. I don’t feel like I “bought” my baby or that our relationship is the result of marketing. I’m trying not to be too emotional in this reply, but to be honest that statement was pretty hurtful in and of itself.
What I appreciate about Kevin is that he strolls into the pain WITH US and then helps us find healthy ways to cope no matter where we are in the triad.
Thank you so much.
This is a great post, Kevin. Thanks for sharing it.
I’ve been thinking about an analogy recently regarding my daughter’s adoption. It’s an imperfect one, and I don’t know if this will upset some people…
If my daughter were in a serious car accident and lost the use of her legs, we would be grateful and happy that her life was spared. But the happiness of her survival would not keep us from acknowledging the pain and challenges she would face throughout life as a person with a serious physical wound, nor would we deny her need to be angry, sad, frustrated, etc. about her injuries. Her life need not be defined by her physical injuries, but it would certainly always be impacted by them. Dealing with this physical injury and the emotions (hers and ours) associated with it would demand that we change our lives as a family, and we wouldn’t hesitate to make those changes.
Being separated from her first parents caused a serious psychological and emotional (and, according to Joe Soll, even physical) wound to my daughter. Our family needs to change our lives (including the expectations we had for our lives) to account for this wound and the emotions (hers and ours) that will be associated with it. Again, I wouldn’t tell her that her life should be defined by her adoption losses, but I certainly want to learn to be open to addressing the ways they will impact her entire life.
Thank you for this post. I have been blessed with two children: a son through domestic newborn adoption and a daughter through (unexpected) pregnancy. We were able to meet our son when he was two days old and take him home from the hospital. I never thought those two days could make much difference until I experienced the first two days with our biological daughter. Our son was never held by his birth mother, just the nurses (her choice). Of course, some difference could be due to temperament, and we won’t know our daughter’s temperament until she is much older (she’s only 4 months now). Still, though, she seemed to know me in a way that our son obviously didn’t. I just wish I could give my son those precious two days with her, but of course I can’t and I have to be his mom and help him deal with any consequences as he grows up. I don’t want to look for trouble, but I can’t ignore signs of it, either. Anyway, thanks for sharing.