Inside my plastic mailbox in front of my house, with the little red flag sticking up, is my application for a Confidential Intermediary. Since I was born in Michigan, and my birth mother never signed a form to allow me access to my information, it is assumed she didn’t want me to be able to look into my own file. It is important to point out that she never signed anything period but the courts have decided that the absence of any form translates into no access. This ruling has already denied me the right to meet my birth mother. When I located her, on my own, I was 6 years too late. She died before I could find her.
She also died without ever telling who my father was so my only option at this point is to play by the rules of the Michigan court system.
The rules are simple. I first must request a confidential intermediary via the application that sits in my mailbox waiting to be picked up. The filing fee is $20.00. Once the Wayne County clerk gets my application they will then assign my case to a confidential intermediary(CI). The CI will then contact me and this person has been authorized by the courts to charge me $250.00 plus expenses. Once I send the CI my check, the CI will then go in to my file, get the name of my birth father and their search begins. The CI will locate and contact my birth father. If my birth father says he isn’t interested the process is over. I lose my $250.00 and I get nothing in return. The identity of my father remains a secret and the right that every other US Citizens has; to know their birth parents, is denied.
The frustration that fuels that last sentence is indescribable. The fact that I have been denied what so many take for granted makes me want to march up to Lansing Michigan and sit on the capital steps and scream until I am heard. The futility of doing that stops my march before it begins.
If my birth father is interested in meeting me then he gets my contact information and I get his. In this process, I have to be willing to go all-in. I have to push my poker chips to the center of the table and surrender to the process. There is no option to just get the information on my birth father. This is a decision I struggle with off and on. There are days when I want to meet, and there are days when I don’t. But there is never a day I don’t want to know his name and know something about him. Taking the leap to know him is terrifying.
The last scenario I am faced with is that my birth father may be deceased. If this is the case, then I am awarded his name and from that I can order his death certificate which can lead me to an obituary where I can find additional information regarding other relatives. The freedom in doing that at my own pace is attractive. The fact that I gain from such a great loss is unjust.
As each adoptee searches, there is the chance that we could be rejected again and the thought of that compresses my mind in my skull. I have weighed this process and the many outcomes over and over and I am sick of being held captive by it. My hope is that any answer will bring some relief. Playing the what-if-game has gotten to be torturous.
It is time to go all-in.
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Don’t for get about the Webinar on April 28, 2011–THE TRANSCULTURAL TEN. See link at the top of the column on the right.
*Feel free to reprint this post on your own blog. I’ll be happy to e-mail you the HTML, so all you have to do is copy & paste, and the formatting will remain intact. If you reprint it, please include the following byline:
Kevin D. Hofmann, author of Growing Up Black In White, Consultant in Adoption, and creator of MY MIND ON PAPER; a blog written to adoptive parents from an adoptee’s point of view.
What cruel laws we have. You are so courageous.
I have read several adoptee blogs about this as well as legislation to change these very discriminatory type of laws. I agree it is sad. If one has a child, then one has a responsibility to them that does not end with adoption. These laws have caused so much grief to adoptees.
Good luck with your search. These laws need to be changed.
Kevin,
That takes a lot of courage to move forward with this plan. It is unfair that the law forces you into this situation. It would be so much better if you could get information and then decide to move forward. I wish you the best. May you find what you need the most and be blessed with much more.
I hope you know that even if he rejects you, there is One who will never reject you. (Isaiah 49:15-16) You are precious and wanted in His eyes.
Julie
Yikes! What a can of worms! i’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! If you decide to go to Lansing, please let the rest of us know so we can be there with you. Do you know of any petitions we can sign. This truly is something that needs to change!!!
Kevin,
Reading your words helps me with my deep conviction around all of my sons connections/relationships with his first/bio family that we have already made, and will continue to make.
Your laying out of your process is so clear and heart wrenching. Your line about wanting to stand on the steps and scream went right through me.
Thank you for your continuing story Kevin, and allowing us in on so many levels.
I really hear your frustration, Kevin — and your fear and your longing. I’ll be wishing you well and reading your blog. Good luck!
So unfair. Laws need to be changed… My thoughts and prayers are with you.
A hug and a prayer and a high five for your journey, friend. Stepping out in faith with your head held high is how I picture this process. Knowing something is better than not knowing anything, I think and you’ve been moving toward this for some time. Good for you. Keep us posted and I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. It’s coming up on Mother’s Day – a year ago I unexpectedly met our son’s first mother for only the 2nd time in 8 years. Not a word since and I can’t find her again. Frustration is something I understand – not exactly the same, I know that, but on behalf of my kids I want to find her! I will keep trying too. A woman contacted our agency today to begin searching for her birth family too. We are not alone. How insane that all these people who want to connect are kept from doing so. Keep the faith. Be well.
That actually sounds very complicated, more complicated than it should be. I hope everything will work out.
I understand your frustration and uneasiness. I am an adult adoptee. You get wrapped up in the search and then IF you do find them – it’s like YIKES! Now What?!
My main issue in locating my birthparents was for medical history. I was also curious. But I never felt a “piece of me was missing”.
I searched in my 20′s and was blocked by the system. My birthparents are from Michigan, but I was adopted in Pennsylvania and the records are sealed. I left a letter in my file that gave my permission to release my information to them, should they ever search. When I was about 31, I got the call.
I met my birthmother, and she arranged for me to meet my birthfather. So we met. That was that! Birthmother and I had a “honeymoon” period, birthfather and I met that one time, and I was a secret to his family, and that was fine too. I no longer talk to my birthmother – our relationship became too overbearing. Both birthparents have children – each has a boy and a girl. I find half-sibling relationships far more rewarding. I’ve just started a blog about my experience – feel free to check it out, and I’d be happy to chat with you about any of your feelings
– good luck!