At 8 years old I stood in line waiting to get a ride in the little cart attached to the small donkey at Upland Hills Farm summer camp. This was a farm/day camp located in a rural area just outside of Detroit. While Mom and Dad worked during the summer months my brothers and sister and I and several other inner-city youths were bused Monday through Friday from Detroit to a farm. It was a program designed to allow inner-city children the opportunity to experience fresh, clean, farm living. Although at 8 years old, this farm seemed much more dirty than any city street I knew. I vividly remember trying to avoid cow and horse pies all day long hoping my Range Master shoes wouldn’t sink in a freshly made pie. Looking back on it, this program was designed for the “inner city” youth but it doesn’t appear any of the black families got the memo, because I remember being the only child of color on the 45 minute morning bus ride, at the farm all day long, and on the 45 minute ride home at the end of the day.
It was here at this farm while waiting in line to ride in the donkey buggy that I matured from a cute little brown boy, who could flash a smile and get my way, into a black male adolescent.
While getting in line, I mistakenly cut in front of an older white boy and when he pointed out that I “took cuts,” I flashed him my cutest smile. The same smile that made color disappear in the past. But that day, I grew out of cute and no longer would the smile cover my darker skin. The boy looked at me with such disgust, anger, and hate that I instantly felt myself shrink. It was the look I would come to learn and understand exactly what it meant as I continued to mature in this color conscious world. This was the look that could call me all kinds of names, and demean me without a word being spoken; the look that I still see today as I walk through life as a black man.
At the farm, I learned that my white privilege that I had benefited from living in a white household stopped for me at my front door and once cute and brown dissolves into black the world becomes a different place, a much different place especially for black males.
My parents never had the talk with me to prepare me for this but my black friends had the talk with their black parents. The talk that told them when this day comes that the person trying to shrink you with their eyes is the wrong one and that you are just as valuable as anyone. Instead, when this day came for me, I walked back to the end of the line several inches shorter than when I got up that summer morning.
My heart goes out to that 8-year-old boy. I’m so glad your sons have a father who can prepare them for what they will encounter as black men in a color-conscious society.
O, Kevin, it never quite goes away, does it? Thank you for posting, because as years go by, so many people don’t know how it was or how it still so quietly is…and this must continue to be told, as should all harassing stories, injustice, and just plain meanness. You shine, Kevin. I so much enjoyed meeting you last year here in Big Rapids……blessings, Mikki Garrels
Big Rapids was a great few days. I want everyone I know to walk through the Jim Crow museum and wish I could get them to take it in the road. What an amazing hidden treasure!
I’m sure your parents wish they knew then what they have learned from you later in life – sometimes our children teach us more than our parents ever could – and yet they taught us the commitment of love that their birth families probably could not always share with them.
Great writing, Kevin. I am so sorry. I want to apologize for that mean guy with the shrinking glare and all that he represents. Many transracially adopted kids do not truly experience this until they go to college, due to being relatively close to their white family while younger.
I would argue many experience it and don’t know how to verbalize it. Many just suffer through it and internalize it. The moment they walk out into the world their white privilege also dissolves. Another reason why it is so so important to talk to your kids about race and society and how they are viewed.
Oh Kevin, posts like these, while they are most appreciated, break my heart. My sweet, innocent boy is 8, about to turn 9. How do I, as a white mother, prepare him? He has not experienced any racism (thank God) thus far and I constantly ask him how he feels, and if people say things to him, or if he felt uncomfortable in certain situations, etc.
We try so very hard to instil black pride. (Just spent time at the library today checking out books on Booker T. Washington, Rosa Parks, Jackie Robinson, Dr. King, Micheal Jordan, Harriet Tubman) but can you offer any advice how to prepare him for the prejudices he will likely encounter? He’s so innocent right now, I I don’t want to scare him either.
Often as parents to protect our kids we have to, have to, have to, have these tough conversations. With my kids,(16 &12) we have always had conversations about race. We use current news stories about race which are on TV or in the news almost everyday. It’s an easier conversation to have when it’s not specifically about them. It also sends the message that home is a safe place to talk about race.
I have a friend who tells the story of growing up watching TV with his Dad and his Dad would sit there and talk to the TV and comment about racial issues on TV. My friend realized when he got older his father wasn’t talking to the TV, he was talking to his son teaching his son THROUGH the TV. He recalls learning so much from his father that way. I would say the conversation should be more purposeful but doesn’t have to be so in your face, “lets sit down and have THE TALK!” There’s a way to have the conversation without having “the conversation.”
Great post Kevin! Thank you for being so open and sharing your insight. As an adoptive mom & a scholar & researcher on race and transracial adoption, I appreciate hearing from someone who has “lived the experience” so that I know if I am on the right track. This was incredibly timely for me because I just had a very intense conversation with my son about how he feels it when people look at him differently because of his skin color. Because I study race/racism I know about the many covert ways racism is practiced today and have anticipated many of these conversations yet when they happen I am still blown away. Knowing they are coming doesn’t make me hurt any less for my boys but it does help that I am somewhat prepared to discuss the topic with them. I am a huge advocate of racial socialization and in our family we talk very openly about race and racism. It is an ongoing conversation and I couldn’t agree more with your response about not necessarily needing to have “the talk”. I use every opportunity I get to talk about race with my boys so that when they have problems it is not awkward to bring it up. Thanks again for sharing your insight, Please keep it coming!
Michelle, another thing is hopefully you have developed black friendships whom your son has a chance to interact with on a regular basis so that he can see and experience firsthand how to navigate the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) racist messages and inuendo that are engrained in every institution (educational; governmental/political; financial; religious; medical; housing; advertising/media; corporate…you name it). The ability to survive and thrive in a world fraught with racism sometimes has to be “caught” as well as “taught”…that is, just being in a positive environment with those whom live this everyday will help your son to “catch” how to sense those racist situations and to be empowered so that he can react in a manner that doesn’t diminish himself…that will ultimately help him to reach his full potential in a world that is frequently hostile to his very existence. He has to have positive role models of black males (and females) to help…it really does take a village to raise a child. Even though I’m a black female, there are situations that my husband have encountered as a black male that I’ve never lived — he was able to pass to our sons personal lifeskills that I couldn’t. In addition, if you haven’t already, it would be helpful for you to read materials to educate yourself about white privilege — this will help you to acknowledge and seek to change “privileged” situations that are blatant, as well as recognize the subtle messages of privilege that have been such a part of your upbringing that you may not be aware of it. This isn’t about instilling guilt — it’s about educating and bringing about change. For both your son and you it is a process, a journey so to speak. I applaud you for seeking answers and information — don’t worry about “scaring” your son — if he’s not equipped and empowered to recognize and react to racism, the world will certainly do it’s part to “scare” him (and not in a loving way that you, as his Mom, will). The truth will always set him (and you) free! God bless you.
Thank you for sharing. This is a daily thing for transracial parents. For us the challenge is deciding if we will homeschool or not. There are SO MANY pros and cons to both. We are asking God to please make it clear, but HE may leave that in our hands to decide and it is a tough one. Ours are in the “cute and brown” phase and not in school, but it will become a issue later. Today, I still see subtle forms of racism (aren’t those the tough ones)….people commenting, what a “Great thing ” you do…..that is almost degrading to me. These are MY children not a “great thing I do”. Thanks again for the post.