Below are excerpts from a presentation I gave to HOPEFUL(Helping Other Parents, Expanding Families, & Uniting in Love), an adoption group out of Lima Ohio, last Saturday. It is a message specially given to me for them but I thought others could share in the message too.
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My mom and Dad picked me up from my foster home that day and never returned me. Later that cool November day I was carried across the threshold into my new house, to meet my two brothers and one sister who weren’t expecting my arrival. I landed in a house that was constructed for me to live in long before my parents ever moved in.
The Adoption was the legal part of my divine appointment. God arranged it and the private agency took care of the paper work. It is my belief that each child is specially placed in a family they were designed for. I am sure I could go around the room and hear story after to story of how someone adopted a child they never thought they would get, or they got the child they didn’t think they were looking for, but no matter how that child came to you, once you held that child for the first time, the divine appointment was finalized and the paperwork would just have to catch up. Each child was directed by God to show up at their appointed time and date.
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In each divine appointment, both sides benefit. There was something in me that could only be filled by a minister, his wife and their 3 kids and there was something in them that could only be filled by me.
There is a scene in the movie, The Blindside, that beautifully illustrates this and it brings me to tears when I see it. The movie is about a rich white family that adopts a black teenager. The scene occurs when the mother is at lunch with a group of friends who really don’t understand what she is doing or why she did it. It is evident the mother it out growing her relationship with these ladies.
While at lunch one of the ladies in a very patronizing way commends the mother for being so charitable by taking in this poor black boy and she says to the mother about her black son,
“You are changing his life.”
The mother graciously pauses and says,
“No……. he’s changing mine.”
That catches right in the throat each time because I never considered that I actually changed my family. As an adoptee, it was easy to see what my parents have done for me, so to hear an adoptive mother admit that her child was changing her was overwhelming and yet so true.
It dawned on me that we are the family we are because of me and I am the person I am because of them and God knew that long before he brought us together.
From the union of “biracial and tiny” and “white and many” came an amazing life for us all and through the struggles and conflicts I got to witness some amazing changes in our family, in our neighborhood and in our community and I wouldn’t change my life for Denzel Washington looks, President Obama charisma or Oprah’s bank account. From this unusual life that became so usual I found my purpose. I lived the life I lived to stand before you at this very moment to share what I went through to help you as you navigate down a similar path.
This transracial way of life can be a rollercoaster ride, from the unsolicited comments from someone at a grocery store about your family to the comments from friends and family you just never expected. If you have managed to dodge those heat seeking missiles your challenge may be the fear you have that you won’t be able to give this child everything they need because you aren’t the same race and that fear sends you up and down on the same rollercoaster. I encourage you to stay buckled in because God didn’t make a mistake. That child has found their way to you for a reason and that reason could not be filled by anyone else on this planet. So I congratulate you. Congratulations! Welcome to your divine appointment and this exclusive club, and thanks for showing up….as if you had a choice.
Very beautifully written. I feel that soo strongly! I am an adoptive mother and I have hear many times, “oh, they are so lucky.” and I always correct them and say “NO, I am the lucky one!” My children have brought so much joy and love into my life that I never thought possible. They are mine and we were always meant for each other.
Thank you again for sharing your story.
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Kevin:
Both my children are biracial, albeit differently so… my son is from Kazakhstan and is 1/2 Russian, 1/2 Kazakh. My daughter is from Nevada and is 3/4 AA and 1/4 Caucasian. And both are the most beautiful, wonderful people I ever met.
I get to love them everyday. I adopted because I wanted to be a parent. And that is what I tell people. I didn’t set out to save a child, save the world, whatever. I set out to have a family. And now I get to love on those kids every day, every minute, of the rest of my life. It’s an honor.
Kathy
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Kevin,
You are so right! We have only to look at our situation to know that something larger than all of us was at work to bring our family together.
Only in hindsight do we see why things happen as they do–we just have to trust all along the way (and in the adoption world, there is plenty of “hurry up and wait”) that it’s all going to work out as it’s supposed to.
Thanks for sharing your epiphany!
Mel
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This is well written and so right on. You can not explain to non-adopted familes how amazing the children are that come to our adopted familes and how they make our lives so amazing. Thank you for sharing.
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What a beautifully written post! I am an adoptive mother and my husband and I fully believe that our adoption renewed our faith and proved to us that there is something much bigger going on in the universe. Our daughter was meant to be our daughter and we were meant to be her parents. We were meant to be a family. You so eloquently stated “God arranged it and the private agency took care of the paper work. It is my belief that each child is specially placed in a family they were designed for.” SO true, so very very true.
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Wow, Kevin, you nailed so much right on…..Every time someone talks about “how great it is that we “saved” this baby, blah, blah, blah… ” I am the first one to correct them and I truly say, “Oh no, she saved us.” She is a blessing to my husband and I in so many ways…we didn’t adopt her to save her, change her life, or help the world, we adopted her because that is how we chose to make our family grow, and we needed her.
Your last few sentences about the fear adoptive parents have, especially transracially adoptive parents was also very powerful.
Thank you for sharing your mind on paper…truly appreciated.
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A truer word was never spoken! Loved this! I am in the process of adopting two precious, wonderful little boys and could not be more blessed by their presence in my life. I hope to give them everything but they gave me so much more the first day they called me Mom.
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Kevin, this is powerful. Thank you. It is what I felt growing up white with a sister whwo is a multiracial adoptee, and what I feel raising my daughter who is also multiracial adoptee. When my sister came home, I felt like overnight I became more. I feel so grateful to you because you embrace and articulate the strengths and depths and exquisite beauty of our unique families. So often we hear only the pain, and/or how white adoptive parents can’t provide for their children of color and ultimately will fail them. Which is selling us short. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there. I always look forward to reading your words. Because you speak your truth which is deep and inspiring. Thank you.
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Kevin, thank you for such encouraging words. As a (caucasion) adoptive mom to an (AA) baby girl, I sometimes feel overwhelmed at how I might fail her, not be enough for her to find her place in this world…but your words are always so uplifting! She has truly brought “light and laughter” to our family (as God told me she would), and our family is so much the better for having her in our lives. Adoption stories are such evidence of God’s loving hand in each person’s life. Thanks again for sharing.
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Kevin,
Thank you for sharing this Sat. night and again on here. I was truely touched by what you shared Sat night as I know others from our group were as well. I too belive my family has been orchastrated by God and we are a family for a purpose, it was no accident. It is so nice to hear someone else feel they were born and placed with their family for a reason, not an accident. I look forward to having a contiuing relationship with you and your family as you are a wonderful roll model for my two little ones! Thanks so much, again!
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Beautifully written… thank you! 🙂
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Ok, so that brought tears in my eyes. We’ve always told our children, “God told us where you are and we just brought you home.” I LOVE this and will place a link to this on our blog today. THANK YOU! May God continue to bless you, as you are a blessing to all of us.
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How lovely. Thank you for your beautiful words.
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I am assuming that you’re going to get SO many comments on this post. Beautiful. Beautiful post.
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Kevin,
Thank you for your inspiration. What a wonderful, insightful, intelligent, articulate and caring man you are. My husband and I are adopting three children from Ghana and are getting ready to travel to bring our three angels home (they are our only children). This particular post encompasses so much of what I’ve felt on this journey, but have never articulated like you have here. I’ve read more of your blog and really love what you write- especially your post related to conspicuous families. We are excited to embrace our children and our family as being black, white, African, American, joyful, challenging, loving, trying, and so many other things. I look forward to reading more of your blog in the future.
Thank you. . .
Sarah
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My friend above, Tawni, sent me this link…’
Absolutely the most beautiful words ever written.
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Found you from Kat above–and sit here with tears drying on my cheeks. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. You highlighted my very favorite part of the Blind Side movie too–that quote resonated clear through me. I also can’t tell you how encouraging it is to read a POSITIVE story from transracial adoption. Too many of the stories are scary to us adoptive parents, making us fearful that love might not be enough.
I wonder if I could share your story on my blog? Or would you prefer I just link to it? I want to keep this bit of encouragement God sent me through you today.
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Amen! Here’s to staying buckled in – I love that! And there are certainly days I throw up my arms and scream. Just gotta change the perspective that I am on a wild ride. Thanks.
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