MY birth certificate has been falsified and no one is alarmed.
MY birth certificate has been changed and the original one is locked away so I can’t see it. The fact that “MY” proceeds “birth certificate” means nothing. On MY original birth certificate is the full name of MY birth father and MY birth mother; the two people I have spent the last 21 years looking for.
Last fall, I found MY birth mother and I was six years, five months and 13 days too late. She died on May 18th 2003 and the laws that kept her name from me also denied me the chance to meet the woman who gave birth to me. I never touched her hand, heard her voice or told her it was ok to give me up. MY mother died never knowing how I turned out and I wanted to be the one to tell her I came out ok. I wanted to thank her for making such a tough decision. I wanted to ease her guilt and lift it off her chest and heal the crack in her heart that occurred when she gave me away. I didn’t get to her in time.
MY birth mother died with MY birth father’s name and she shared it with no one. It is more than likely MY birth father will die or has already died and in either scenario, I will again be denied the chance to meet MY birth parent.
The laws to seal this information were done to protect the birth parents’ privacy but who has the right to prioritize their privacy over my right to know my origin. I want to scream, I want to grab a politician by the jacket and scream for them to make a change but I can’t.
I want to storm the agency that conducted my adoption and rifle through there records so I can find myself. I want to demand my information, demand a last name connected to my birth father, Lawrence. I want to get his last name and then run to the closest computer and see if the internet will open up and reveal him to me. I want to find him, have one conversation with him, ask him about the 82 years of life he had.
His clock is ticking loudly, if it still ticks. He is over 80 years old and he is a black man and if genetics and statistics are accurate then the sand that is in his hour glass is flowing quickly from the top to the bottom, if it still flows.
Each day I go without knowing his last name is one day I am denied the right to speak to him. I live in America and I am denied the right to speak to MY father and there is nothing I can do about. I want to ask him questions, I want to see what he looks like, I want to see the brothers and sisters I have through him. I want, I want, I want, and IT DOES NOT MATTER. WHAT I WANT DOES NOT MATTER. IT JUST DOES NOT MATTER.
…but it does.
I appreciate your perspective. It makes me glad, for my children’s sake, we did an open adoption when I really did not want to.
Wendi
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Wooowee, you are a gifted writer, Kevin. I hope you keep speaking your truth. The world needs to hear you, and I know, I for one, will always listen. At the moment I am speechless. Can’t find the words to adequately express how powerful your message is, but it is very powerful. Keep writing… please keep writing, speaking, sharing, talking. You are the voice of so many…
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Rant On! You know how strongly I “get this” and feel for you/with you on this – but only as far as I can as someone who was not adopted myself. I am sorry for the stupid laws that keep us separated from the people we want and deserve and SHOULD be able to contact. I ache for your losses and your birth families losses too. Adoption is built on loss. We hear that all the time in “the field” and it is such a simple statement but so deep and true and painful. And in so many ways. So many things are lost. Glad I “found” you! Keep writing and being honest.
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Wow, this is powerful and sad. As an adoptive parent, I have so many protective emotions surrounding my son. Many people don’t understand why it was so important to me that we have a connection with his birthfamily… which I consider to be OUR family, from the very beginning. You did a beautiful job of illustrating exactly why it is so important. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. But I’m glad you are speaking up to save others from the same situation. Keep it up!
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Question. Is it law that the birth certificates have to be sealed? Our adoption was just finalized. And soon we are suppose to get new birth certificates and the old ones will be sealed. Is there a choice in this?
Thanks,
Wendi
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Best of luck to you, Kevin. I was also too late to meet either parent.
To Wendi – no, there is no choice. Unless you live in KS, AK, OR, NH, ME or AL, your child will not be able to access their own original birth certificate under current state laws. Please join in efforts to repeal these unfair and outdated laws. Your state probably already has a group working towards that end. See adopteerights dot net.
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I am so sorry about this Kevin. But in response to Jimm, I have original birth certificates for all my children. I have amended ones too, but also the originals which I have saved because it contains that vital information. 2 are from IL and one is from MA. I also have an original Indian birth certificate for my son who is adopted internationally.
Kevin, I know of someone who found a person they were looking for via facebook connections. In that case they did have a last name but if you put the inquiry out there with his first name and any other info you have–his approximate age, the fact that he is a black man, maybe you know where he once worked? Your mothers name as a connection might also help. Do you know the region of hte country he might have been from etc. Hoping and praying you find him.
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I have my kids’ original birth certificates also (states involved: Tennessee, Michigan, and Ohio). We also have open adoptions (but only with the boys’ mothers. The fathers have elected to remain out of the pictures).
We too consider our sons first mothers to be part of the family. We talk to them a lot and think of them all the time. Each achievement for each boy… those ladies are the first people we call.
I can only imagine your frustration in this. Thankfully times are changing… slowly…
How’s the hair thing going?
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Kevin you have a right to be angry. I can barely imagine how frustrating it must be to KNOW that information exists and be denied access.
My daughters are from China, so we have no birthfamily information, and little hope of finding any. In the beginning I thought that was a good thing, but have now come to see how that amputation from their personal history has affected them.
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Beautifully written Kevin.
I was extremely lucky to find my first mom last year. She’s now in her late 70s and in good health. Unfortunately, we are geographically very far apart.
One thing I would like to comment on:
Although we are NOW being told that sealed records were put in place to “protect” the relinquishing parents, it was not the reason for them. Consider that records do not seal upon relinquishment, they seal upon adoption. Any adoption. Even step-parent adoptions.
Also note that at the time sealed records laws were passed (1930s-1940s), all vital records were open to the public. The records were sealed to prevent “nosy neighbors” from finding out that the child was adopted (and probably illegitimate). It was NEVER supposed to prevent the adoptee from knowing his or her origins. Social workers of the time wrote about the importance of knowing one’s origins and how that should never be kept from the adoptee.
How and why did it change? Some adoptive parents were advised never to tell the child he/she was adopted. Some adoption agencies told lies to both the first parents and the adoptive parents and used sealed records to cover up their lies. Some children were literally stolen from their first parents. State laws (NJ for instance) allow the adoptive parents to change the PLACE of birth. How’s that for state-sanctioned falsification of vital records?
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How hard. While I understand the reasons someone may have for wanting closed (from birthparents standpoint), it doesn;’t allow the child any rights whatsoever.
I am so sorry for the sense of loss you now have. Can’t imagine that it will ease 😦
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Kevin, I can’t tell you how angry I get about closed adoption records. My mom is a birthmom and I have a brother out there somewhere who may not have searched for us, but if he has, he’s going to have a rough time because the hospital gave my mom a new last name just for him. And because she has a very unique first name, they most likely falsified that too.
I totally support birthparents’ rights…as an adoptive mom, I completely support her birthmom’s right to privacy…but not anonymity. She made a choice to have a child and she made a choice to place her for adoption..my daughter didn’t ask to be born and didn’t ask to be placed for adoption. She didn’t have a choice and she is the most important part of the adoption triad. What about her rights? What about her right to know if she has ticking time bombs on her chest in the form of breast cancer? What about diabetes? What about the other genetic problems people have? I believe that this needs to end. I believe that adoptees have been denied their basic rights for too long and we need to fight to open records nationwide.
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I am very excited. After I read this, I emailed my lawyer to see if they had to be sealed. They said yes but they had extra copies of the original birth certificates that they will send me!
Thank you for making me aware of this.
Wendi
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Kevin, I truely hope that you find Lawrence and if i can get anymore information will make all the phone calls I can to help you our. Take care and God Bless
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I can’t even imagine your frustration and only hope doors are opened for you. Neither one of my kids will have any information about their birth fathers because the mom’s didn’t provide it. I’m not sure how we’ll deal with that, but reading about your frustration makes me hurt for them already. Best of luck. I wonder if you could google info from where your mom worked since they were coworkers. Of course, that stuff is old so it probably isn’t online. I stalk Baylie’s mom online. Our adoption is closed, but I try to keep track of where she is just in case.
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Kevin, I totally understand! The biggest shock I ever had in my life was when I discovered that I had been given another name that NO ONE told me about, even though they knew. Identity shock is something I’ll never forget. For me, it went a step further ~ even my birth mother had put a name on the birth certificate as “a throw away name” and saved my name for the future daughter she would keep. She had three boys after me until the fifth child (not counting her abortions) was a girl “to replace me!” Angry??? Absolutely!!!!!
I have spent the 80’s and 90’s in active searching for my family. The 2000’s started introductions as to who I was born as, and who my family is, followed by family rejections – both bio and adopted, until now I find myself in a place very alone in the world, feeling extremely vulnerable, with no family that cares about me. I have spent enormous time, money and energy in therapy, just trying to figure out what my “real name” is and how to operate in a world that emphasizes family! I finally concluded that the original birth certificate gave a clue, but it was up to me to define myself. I took the illegitimate last name because it was my truth of how I came into this world – with no father’s last name. I took most of my half-sister’s first and middle names (she had a legitimate father’s, different last name), and I slightly changed the first name to reflect what felt right to me. I accepted that I do not have an obligation to go along with other peoples’ lies, just to save them from their embarrassment that I exist.
I have accepted that I have a heartless biological family that has no desire to acknowledge my existence in this world. I have accepted that I had a dysfunctional adopted family who wanted a baby (doll/object), not raise a person – me. I have accepted that God sees my existence and wants me to use my talents and not bury them to suit my family’s wishes that an amended birth certificate meant I was no longer “an ordeal” – or “an issue” THEY would have to “contend with!” What I do know is: THEY also have God to answer to! THEY will have to tell him why they think an altered birth certificate alleviated them from the responsibility God gave them, even when they know I am married to a man who has tried to kill me more than once – and have an adopted mother who killed my adopted father. They think they are “good people,” simply by saying “We wish you all the best! Have a nice day!”
What kind of parents would act this way??!!!! What kind of humans act this way – to just look the other way, as if they know nothing??? I too am angry about how a state office can hand over a child to people that are known to have addiction problems – simply because they passed the superficial tests of home studies and have the financial means to take the responsibility away from the state and God-given parents that can’t/won’t care for their child!
Kevin, you are not alone. I want to VALIDATE YOU – that you have every right to be ANGRY that people have denied you the right to your own family! I think it takes time to accept things, grieve the losses of what you will NEVER HAVE – and can NEVER REPLACE, in a world that will NEVER UNDERSTAND. But I’d like you to know that I understand. No matter how it may be infuriating that your own people would do this do their own, it is a LOSS – for us. YOU have a right to “MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE” – and YOU have the power as an adult to request the court to change your name to however you see fit, including re-issuing a birth certificate with the name YOU want. YOU have a right to be angry that “no one is alarmed” at what you’ve been through! YOU have a right to find NURTURING mothers, brothers and sisters – wherever you find God working in their lives. YOU have a right to have a Father – and I hope you call him God.
Sincerely,
Kristin Cook
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Hi everyone
This storey makes me sad to hear it , but I like kristins response to you , has i very much feel her storey to and i feel alone also sometimes , like im crazy for all the emotions i feel. but when i come here and find everyones storey i realize that i am not alone. and you are not alone either , i understand to and i find our situations to be unique but simular and not everyone seems to understand the roller coaster ride we adoptees go on , a lifetime of it , by the way if you speak to someone about your feelings and you dont feel understood , then find it from somewhere else and try not to feel to upset at the person for not understanding what they do not know and have not lived , its been complete strangers that i have found the most comfort in people like you and people like me and others.most feelings we dont even understand ourselves , and the worst part is knowing we didnt ask for this to happen to us , there is no control over , our natural families have for whichever reasons made a decision but then after we try to deal with that information we do have to deal with the issue of closed records .
I hope one day to work along side of other adoptees/natural families and adoptive families that find that alot of the laws pertaining to adoption should be changed, a system that takes in considerartion of everyone involved and try and make positive changes for everyone,by involving all points of veiw of each party then all aspects can be conidered and prepare and educate people better in many ways..etc. I wont get into all details of what but it will take us to work together to get our word out there and hopefully one day change somethings about this process down the road for adoptees out there who are just babies and cant speak for themselves . we need to be the voice and i think one day together we can make a change . at least i have that dream to do that for us and for the adoptees of the future.
I want to thank you for sharing your storeys , god bless all of you , you are strong and special …. nothing can ever take back what has happened , no words can ever heal you completly , but has long has we dont let it completly define who we are …on our own , our natural families are just a peice of us and who we are , but it doesnt define everything about you , you are still unique and you can still be proud of that , you can still be special in people in your lifes world right now and you can still know that if you have a friend in your life thats like family you never had than that is also a blessing to have people who love you they wont ever replace your natural family but what you must know is your natural family will never replace them either.if someone is special lin your life then they are special in your life.cherish that and keep loving and positive people around you, and we adoptees who dont know our natural families all can agree that we always have a dad and that is God good point kistin , which makes us like brothers and sisters from afar 🙂 has we all wish on the same star just to know who we are..and what we are is not alone and we are here to understand each other even when no one else will just like family we never had .
Sometimes cause we cant change things we must find positive ways to cope than instead . Keep God love positivity and light in your heart and live the life you deserve and be happy and proud of who you want to be and who you will become in Gods eyes and your own . .I have sat here and dwelled on this all my life 30 years , but I do feel that I have let it consume me into someone I dont want to know sometimes , but now that i have admitted to myself that this isnt going to go away , i will accept that just like how my big nose is still there all this time lol I just have to accept it , its a part of me and who i am and who i dont know i am, i have to focus on what i do know , i have to look at my blessings not only what i cant change.I will get support from others who understand , but only when i feel i need it on those days where my emotions come in like a wave , i had a counsiler tell me one time not to look at the worksheets she gave me for some emotions i was going threw unless i needed them , i actually have never needed them again , and the more support i seek from others out there going threw what i am going threw the better it feels to at least have people to aknowledge the pain and the tears and confusion with , together we can aknowledge and aknowledgment can be very healing sometimes for the soul.
I just cannot let this keep eating me like this , when will i be happy and when will i start living ???? well heres something i can change and control so i will work on that step by step and god willing one day i will finally feel in control and balanced in my life and actually say im happy cause i deserve it and so does everyone else , even if our lives are not like everyone elses. doesnt mean we have to deprive ourselves of having happiness we create by positive living and positive direction with ourselves here on end
Good luck to everyone on their journey of life , lets shine like the stars we make wishes on and make wishes for ourselves now and focus on the one person that matters the most in this world ~ OURSELVES 🙂
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