As she prepares her son for school, the mother peeps out the front window and watches the pregnant storm clouds flow across the dark sky. She checks the local weather report and her favorite weatherman says there is a 95% chance of a severe thunderstorm for the viewing area. He also states there is an 80% chance the rain will turn to hail.
The mother hugs her son as he walks out the door to begin his quarter mile trip to the bus stop. Her son seems out of place as he joins his friends who accompany him every morning to the bus stop. They all have on rain coats, hats, and are carrying umbrellas.
The mother decided not to prepare her son for the weather. Instead, she believes if I don’t fed in to the thought of bad weather it won’t happen.
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I have written this blog several hundreds of times in my mind. I have wrestled with writing it or ignoring it and I have finally decided to address it.
My fear has been if I address this many will get frustrated and not return to my blog .
So up to this point I have been able to skate around it with the collateral damage being minor; minor for me.
Today, I received an email from a transracial adoptive mother asking me to write more specifically about what is necessary for white parents in raising black children.
I get this question a lot and have been answering it in the most politically correct way I know how. But my real answer is much more one sided. The short answer is, “love is not enough.”
I have found there are two schools of thought with transracial adoptive parents. One school says, “Color doesn’t matter, as long as we give them a loving place to live they will be ok.”
The other school says, “In today’s world, love isn’t enough. We must prepare them for the world we live in.”
I strongly side with the second group. It is important that children of color be prepared for the world they will live in and although love is important, it is not enough.
Often, I get the argument that racism still exists today because we allow it to. If you teach your children about racism and that they may be treated differently because they are of-color this is feeding in to racism and will only cause racism to grow.
This is like the mother who sent her child in to a hail storm with no protection because admitting there is a possibility that there will be a hail storm only causes the hail storm to be bigger.
Whether we want to admit it or not, racism exists and it is important you prepare your children for it. Ignoring racism in your household only makes it disappear in your household.
Once they step out in to the world, it is there whether it is in your face or behind your back.
So how do you prepare them?
Talk about the possibility of them being treated differently simply because they are black or of-color.
When do you talk to them about it?
Studies have shown children notice racial differences by ages three or four and have some type of racial encounter by age seven.
You can be the one who introduces this to them or you can let the world do it. You have more control over what gets heard and how it is presented if you do it.
A few weeks ago, I spoke to another transracial adoptee and she told me about her experience growing up. She lived in a rural area where she was one of the only blacks. They never talked about racism or being different in her house but when she went to school she was treated and felt different everyday.
One day she came home and poured several gallons of bleach into a bath tub and got in it. She said she was trying to bleach her skin so she could be more like everyone else around her.
Her parents were shocked when they found out what she did because she never said anything about how she was being treated or how she felt.
The collateral damage to me means nothing if I can prevent such a horrible experience from happening.
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After school the little boy returned home, soaking wet with bruises on his arms and head. Just as the weather man said it poured with golf ball-sized hail. The boy was angry at his mom for not preparing him for what could have happened, but he held no harsh feelings against the hail and rain that inflicted the damage.
I agree with you Kevin. I was thinking the exact thing when I saw many Haitian children being adopted following the earthquake. I wondered where the families of color were. I think this blog is very informative. I do not think it will steer anyone away.
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That’s not to say like should just adopt like, but that no one should adopt a child from a different culture/race with blinders on and assume the world has blinders on.
My daughter for 1-6 grade attended predominately black schools. I took her out in 2008 (7th grade) and put her in the neighborhood school because of convenience. The neighborhood school is 90-95 white. It was an adjustment, and still is in some ways, but I felt it was important for her to be exposed to other races now than later.
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Kevin, you have a beautiful voice. Keep writing!!! The world needs to hear what you have to say!!
As a Swedish mom of a multiracial daughter, the hurdle I must overcome every day in talking about race with my daughter, is that unbearable feeling that I am focusing on the gap between us. I have to confront the reality with her that I have different privileges than she does. That really hurts. And I have to fight the urge to avoid it. The only way I can bear it, is to focus on the strength that we are fighting racism together as a family. And the fact that NOT addressing it will hurt her more.
I highly recommend the film “Living on the Fault Line, Where Race and Family Meet” an excellent film about transracially adoptive families in Vermont.
http://onthefaultline.com/
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I, too, appreciate this entry. I do think that some will not agree, but only out of naivity. My dark-skinned daughter is 6 and does and always has experienced ostricizing because of her skin color. I have begun to touch on the subject and will continue as she matures and can understand that human nature is to judge and hurt unless chosen otherwise. I can’t even say that being a Christian makes one not judge, on the contrary. I have found no difference–and that really is hard to explain to her. I can only teach her slowly by slowly that others judge based on externals and we must choose for ourselves to love and not judge others in return. Love IS powerful, but knowledge AND love are a fierce weapon against adversities.
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I was thinking about this, as well. As a dark-skinned woman I experienced major issues within my own race growing up. There’s still a problem between light-skinned black and dark-skinned blacks today. It’s sad, but true. That’s another blog in itsef.
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Thank you for sharing this! Your timing could not have been better for me. My husband and I are starting to think about adopting again… our biggest fear about adopting transracially is that we won’t do a good enough job of overcoming the racism that our child and our family would encounter. We live in a very diverse area so I’m a little less worried about him/her feeling different… except that s/he would be different because of having white parents. Thanks for helping me to understand that we need to be prepared and also prepare our child, no matter what happens.
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Thank you for your writing. As a hopeful transracial adoptive mother I am trying very hard to prepare for thechallanges ahead and appreciate your honesty and insight.
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Thanks Kevin for the post. Your insight is a blessing. To ignore racism of any sort is foolish as would be to ignore potential or impending danger. I have learned, growing up in and now working in the D, about running the field and dodging the tackles of racism. Unspoken/unexpressed differentiation created by the mind and seated in the heart sets us up for futility in our life. Not that we ignore the obvious but rather rejoice in it. Satan will continue to lie to anyone who will entertain his many enticements. We must mount for the battle on all fronts. Thank you again.
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“Children who are ‘persons of difference’ must learn to function in a bicultural context… They are confronted with being part of, yet apart from… ‘In’ a larger social environment, but never ‘of’ it” — “Telling The Truth to Your Adopted Child” Keefer/Schooler
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I am a white woman who just adopted a daughter from Ethiopia, when I first started down the road to adoption I was in the first camp you described, but the more I read blogs like yours by adult adoptees and other resources, the more I drifted over to the “love is not enough” camp. Thanks for sharing this.
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When I read the book Black Baby, White Hands in preparation before our daughter Bereket came home from Ethiopia, I saw how much the author hurt during his childhood when his parents tried to ignore their color differences and pretend that racism didn’t exist in their hometown. I vowed I’d never do that to my daughter. And you’re right, she came home at 6.5, is almost 8 and has already experienced at least 5-10 instances where she was made uncomfortable because of her skin color. We tackle it head on and pray we are doing a good job. It isn’t easy.
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Great post Kevin. Maybe those who really have a hard time hearing straight talk would find it difficult to take in your post, but I don’t think that’s too likely.
I grew up in inner city Detroit, where my Dad worked for the city and my brothers and I were virtually the only whites in our school. Of course, as a child where my perception of the world was what I saw in my neighborhood, I was keenly aware of my race.
As the years past, I came to understand the fact that African Americans are a significant minority group, making up the 14%+/- of the population that they do. But nevertheless, based on my somewhat unique childhood experience, I strongly agree that skirting race related issues will result in more harm than help for minority children. My wife and I definitely plan to take the ‘realist’ approach with our adopted African American son.
Keep up the good work Kevin. Your posts are well written and highly informative.
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts–keep bringing them! As a white (adoptive) mother to 2 yo biracial daughter and AA daughter due in just a couple weeks, I am learning!!! I have to admit I hate the thought of teaching my girls to expect to be ‘hated’ b/c of their skin color, yet I also realize there is no such thing as ‘color blind’. Searching for the right balance. . .
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Thanks for your post, Kevin. Looks like you weren’t greeted with resistance.
I know love isn’t enough, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that I wish it were.
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If you would – share with us what you have told your own children about racism. I am sure the views of a white person are very different than that of a person of color.
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Thankyou for writing about this. We went into our transracial adoption being told love is enough. We had a rude awakening to this when going out in public with our son for the first time with him only three weeks old. It was a good awakening for us and for his future (now 3year old). I have so wanted pertinent guidance and reality on this subject so I can be a better parent. We as parents want to guide and prepare our children through all aspects of life. Thank you for giving insight into living as a transracial adoptee you are helping me know how to prepare my son for life ahead. It should be said “I love him enough to face this and work through this with him”. Though it does not solve the racism issues there is so much to enjoy and celebrate in black culture – it’s a fascinating and soulful “new” world for those of us who have in the past been naive. Can you suggest any thing that was important to you as a kid that your parents exposed you to that may have helped your transition to adult life and identified you with Black American culture?
Keep up the good work.
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First time reading…
Thank you for this.
Leslie
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[…] last post, Love Aint Enough, was a huge shift for me. After hearing the story of the bleach bath I finally got how critical […]
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I want to know more.
Kevin, tell me specifically… do I talk to my 5 and 6 year old right now that sometimes people will treat them differently because of their skin color, or do I wait for them to be treated differently to talk about it? Will they even tell me if they’re treated differently?
My girls don’t know enough English quite yet that I feel comfortable fully broaching this issue. Right now we talk about the fact that some of my kids are pink, some are brown. That brown babies come from brown Mamas and Pink babies come from pink Mamas. That’s as far as we’ve gotten so far. I want to do it right.
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Nosurfgirl,
It really depends on their level of understanding. I would rather speak to them about it before it happens because they will not always let you know if and when it happens.
One of the best ways to bring it up for me is when we are watching something on TV, like when the black Harvard professor was arrested on his porch, times like that are great teaching moments.
At the younger ages, I read somewhere where it said when the kids notice the racial differences there is no negativity attached to it. It is like them noticing one child is taller than another. The negativity gets associated with race when adults lend their prejudices to it or their fear about talking about the subject is seen.
We as adult get so nervous about talking about it that the kids learn it is something that shouldn’t be talked about.
Exploring if they notice the differences and then creating a comfortable environment to talk about it is a great way to introduce them to the subject.
Make sense?
Thanks,
Kevin
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Thanks for writing this blog. We are a white couple who has adopted in the past. My son is from Ukraine and we try to celebrate it and talk about it as much as possible. We are all different in our family, I am Portuguese and my husband is a little more mixed French Canadian. We are in the process of adopting a 4 year old African American girl and can’t help worrying about issues of adoption from her point of view. We will be very open about the subject of adoption, in our house our differences are celebrated, but I worry about the unspoken issues she will have to deal with being of color especially with both her parents and brother being white. Reading your blog has already helped and she’s not even home yet.
Thank you very much for sharing with us.
Hollie
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Thank you so much for your post. It comes at an excellent time for us personally. We read lots of books which convinced us of your position that love is definitely not enough. It is our responsibility as our biracial daughter’s parents to prepare her for the storms of life. However, after posting about this concept (actually barely touching on race), a debate has been raised among our extended family members about race and racism (not always in a pretty way either). I know what I am doing is right helping her to feel proud of her ethnicity and preparing for the racism to come. However, not everyone agrees and it is a struggle to convince some of the people we know and love. Thank you, and please keep writing!
Kristi
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Please contact me I do a newsletter for adoptive families in Utah. I would like to discuss printing the above article in the newsletter. The circulation is 3500. ks@adoptex.org
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That does make sense.
Negotiating these waters can be worrisome, but I guess relaxing as much as possible about it is important, too, because kids are keen sensers of tension and worry and might automatically equate the subjects as negative for that reason.
Well, I feel OK about what I’m currently doing then, and will keep my eyes open for opportunities in future to discuss these issues.
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Thank you, Kevin. I stumbled into your blog this evening and am so grateful to hear your voice. My daughter is 3 and my partner and I have been having ongoing discussion about this. I will seek out those teachable moments and keep reading your blog!
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Wow, great piece. i am enjoying so many (all??) of your writing. Can I quote part of this and link back to you? I don’t have a HUGE readership, but right now I do have 62 followers and over 70000 hits. I swear I’ll give you credit! I’d love to post part of this on my blog, mainly to educate my readers and family and friends that “love is not enough”. I have SAID that, but coming from someone else may give it more weight.
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