WHAT AN AMAZING MOM!
Below is the interview between me and the birth mother who told her story in the previous post. God gave me this idea when I came across this woman a few days ago and initially, I thought it would be great to give adoptive parents a glimpse in to the mind of a birth mother. I walked away gaining so much for myself and I am convinced no one could benefit more from this than I did. She was kind enough to answer a lot of questions I wanted to ask my mom and through her honest heartfelt answers I found some healing.
I admire her for doing this and respect her for the journey she is walking and the short journey she allowed us to go on with her.
Did you not have a choice about whether the adoption would be open or closed?
No I did not have a choice. I knew I was involved in a high profile adoption, so unfortunately the choice was already made.
Did you feel as if you had a choice to keep the baby or not?
At first no because of my grandmother’s initial reaction, but then when my birthday came, she told my sister that I will be 18 and I can make the choice. I was thrilled, then she clarified and said that I would have to stay in California and raise her. Away from what life I knew back home in Maryland. I was devastated!
Why did you take the items of your daughter at the hospital ?
After the meeting I knew that I wasn’t going to have any contact with her and I wanted to keep as many items of her that I could and also hoping that one day she will come looking for me and I could show her all the things I saved. I wanted her to know that I never forgot and that I loved her enough to save what I could. I go through her items quite often and I can still remember the smells of that day.
You said you were angry after coming home from the hospital without your baby. Why were you angry?
I was angry because I felt like my grandma had the attitude of out of sight out of mind. She raised us as if we were her own and I couldn’t understand how could she do this to someone that she told I love you to every night. I later learned that that was far from the truth. My grandmother is a classical pianist and my sister said she stayed on that piano for hours while I was gone. She also said that my grandma would be up very late and sometimes she could hear my her crying at night as well.
I always thought in my own situation that my mother gave me up and never looked back. In your story you said you put on a front during the day and cried yourself to sleep at night. How long did that last?
Well I really don’t remember how long it lasted, but what I can remember is that it lasted on and off for almost two years. I obviously still go through this, so honestly the last is not over.
You said you got a letter from the social worker who handled the adoption telling you she quit. Why do you think she quit?
Well we talked about everything and closer to my daughter’s birth she disclosed that I would be her last mother. My story touched her in a way that she felt guilty that she will be able to raise her child, while I wouldn’t be able to raise my daughter. I felt honored and sad at the same time. She was a wonderful social worker.
Did you find Christ as a result of this experience or did you have a relationship with him prior to this?
I had a relationship with Christ prior to my experience. I remember calling on him more and more throughout the process.
This sounds like a very difficult journey to go through. Why do you think you went through it and has your faith in Christ made it easier to understand why you went through it?
That is a tough question, but I understand that God allows us free will. As a result of that free will I became pregnant. Our (my sister and myself) early life was not too pretty; we were raised by our grandmother because my mother was an addict and our father moved to California to pursue music. I was a pretty strong kid, but I know that God allowed my experience to make me stronger. Yes I believe that my faith in Christ has made it easier to understand because based on the facts surrounding the adoptive parents that they are not able to have another biological child. I am thankful for having a part in that, but without the pain.
Would you like to meet your daughter again?
*I am screaming* YES, YES, YES. I dream of that day. I am always thinking of what questions she might have for me and giving her the best and honest answer possible. I am excited that one day she’ll be able to meet her whole brother.
Being able to follow her since she is in the public eye has that made it better or worse for you.
It has it’s good and bad moments. I feel like if I didn’t see her I would worry like crazy. I don’t have to question how she is doing. She looks so happy each and every time I see her. I grab every photo I can (i.e magazines, and now internet photos). Now that she is older I look into her eyes in the pictures and wonder what is going on in that pretty little head. Does she think about me?
As I said earlier, as an adoptee, I assumed my mom just moved on with her life without looking back. How often would you say you think about your daughter? Do you feel anything for her on holidays and birthdays?
Wow in the earlier years I know it was every day. And now honestly every hour. My questions and thoughts about her are more detailed since I can see her on facebook (how was her game?, what activities did she get into?, does she have healthy relationships?…stuff like that) Her birthday was difficult for sure. I read wrong info in articles on her birth date ( I guess to keep the family protected) and worried like crazy that her birth date was changed until recently I saw that it had not been changed. I cried and thanked God.
Your son, who you had after your daughter and raised, knows about his sister who was given up for adoption and the fact that he follows his sister via the Internet is a great and touching story. How did you tell him about his sister and at what age?
*wiping my face* To answer your question about my son. I opened your email before leaving the house to take him to school. I asked what about the day I told him does he remember? He said I remember crying because he wished he had his big sister here with him…Well I have always shown him the picture of her since day 1. I would hold it up in front of him and say “this is your sister *name inserted here*. We finally had our big talk when he was 6 years old. He has an old spirit and has understood very much at a young age ( off subject: I was crying in a closet one day, saying what am I going to do? over and over. My son came into the closet with some tissue, rubbing my back telling me don’t cry mommy God is going to help you- AT 2 YEARS OLD- I’m talking about that spirit).. We were alone one day at my grandma’s house and we sat on the bed and I pulled out a bag (my daughter’s items). We went through the things that he could understand but he held on to her picture and just stared at her. I told him you know sometimes when you see mommy crying, well this is why…I explained everything to him. He was shocked, and he did cry. He asked me if he could sleep with her picture, cause he wanted to dream about her. He is so amazing and I thank God everyday for this special boy. He looks up to his sister, even 3000 miles away.
I have learned there are three things commonly that adoptees want to know about their birth family, which are: Do we look alike? What was the real reason behind giving me up? Would they be proud of me?—Since you have seen your daughter and know what she is into how would you answer those?
Yes she looks just like me. She is built like me, but she has her father’s smile. She is athletic. Her father’s side all the way. Majority of his family played or play sports. My son is very athletic and he wonders if she plays basketball the same way (passion) that he does? I can tell that she is quite silly and so much fun! She gets the silly/funny traits from both sides.
My real reason for giving her up would have been fear. I was obedient and did what I was told. If I were able to raise you then I would have struggled, and depend too much on the father’s family to raise her and I did not want that at all!
Funny that you asked that because that is what I think of. When or if she met me would she be proud of me? I tried (try) to live my life in the most positive way that I could. Be the best child of God (mom) I could be. And of course I would be proud her! I only can see her through pictures, but she looks like she is doing very well.
Do you have any feelings towards the adoptive parents?
I have a grateful heart. *big hug*
What would you say to them if you had the chance?
I would tell them that I am thankful that God had a plan whether I understood or not. I want to thank them for all the love they gave her and the double doses because I wasn’t there to give it to her. kissing all the boo-boo’s, listening deeply to her every word, those milestones that we all get so excited about, calling her beautiful, showing her who Christ is and keeping her encouraged when no one else would. I could go on and on…
We rarely get to hear from the birth parents about adoption, what would you want people to know that they might not know or understand about birth parents?
It drives me crazy that people automatically assume that the birth mother is some substance abuse user, or is from some poverty stricken area. I would have been considered middle class. My grandma was a single parent with a great job (key word: she had). But the most important thing that I would want others to understand is that we do suffer. I carried my daughter for 9 months and now I had to walk away as if she were never apart of me. The pain does not go away, however it does get easier, but never goes away. Our love for our children is unconditional. The connection between mother and child is very real…don’t lose sight of that fact.