“Oh…you’d bitch if we hung you with a new rope,” was the response I got from my office manager during a staff meeting.
“Wow, that was harsh,” was the only response that my brain could piece together. I sat in the conference room stunned as if someone had punched me in the temple and I was trying to regain my composure. The jab came quick and unexpectedly and i didn’t have time to cover up or dodge it. My only defense was four weak words. I was angry at myself because I had let my guard down and the payment for that stung like a shot to the nose.
************************************
I sat around the conference table at our weekly meeting joined by four other unit managers who were my peers and our office manager. It was February and I don’t recall what year it was. It was between 1996 and 1998. I had recently been promoted to a middle management job with an insurance company in the claims office and I was proud of my accomplishment to this point.
It was the end of February and we were talking prior to the meeting getting started. I was joking about how unfair it was that Black history month was the shortest month of the year and what an injustice that was. This is when my manager inserted his colorful response.
I had never heard that expression before and in the context of our conversation thought it was the worst time I should be introduced to the expression. Once it was out of his mouth and bouncing around in my head, I was trying to translate it’s meaning. I felt as if the room disappeared and I was in complete darkness with one high wattage light bulb shining on me, and everyone was staring at me waiting to see how I would respond. Confusion and embarrassment were fighting for space in my head and that left little room for me to spin a witty come back.
Four words were all I came up with and I just wanted to change the subject. The room rushed back, the spot light turned off and the room was back to normal. The subject changed and the meeting began and ended.
The subject matter of the meeting I don’t remember. I was concentrating on the pre-meeting conversation the whole time. The film reel of that conversation kept playing over and over on the walls of my brain. I kept trying to justify and explain away my manager’s response. Over and over I rewound the reel and pushed play. I had to be certain what I heard was what was said.
The meeting adjourned and I, and the fog of confusion that surrounded me, left the conference room and floated back to my desk. Out of the ear shot of my manager, and my peers, I picked up my phone and called my best friend, Mike. I explained the volley of comments and asked for his interpretation. I wanted to be sure I wasn’t being “too sensitive.” Mike’s interpretation was in line with mine. The comment was at minimum, at the low end of the intelligence scale and smelled a lot like racism.
Now I was faced with how to proceed. I took the next few days to turn it over and over in my head. I ran the conversation by my Dad and his interpretation was even deeper than my translation. My Dad saw it was my manager saying, “You should be glad we’ve let you get this far as a race and personally with this company.” Dad has always been a deep thinker and has always looked deep into what is said behind the words.
I knew I would have to confront my boss. My fear was if I made too much of an issue out of it, that I would be seen as the one who was wrong. I would be labeled the one who took this one sentence out of context. I would be labeled as “too sensitive.’ Once that label got pasted to my chest, then others would shy away from me in fear that I would take them out of context. I also knew if I was kicked out of that network, my career would stall.
Feeling like I had done something wrong, I knocked on my boss’ door and asked if he had a minute. I sat down and explained how his comment made me feel and in the most professional verbiage I explained how his comment was inappropriate.
His response was to claim ignorance. He said he was a simple farm boy from a rural area outside of Toledo and this was a common expression. He offered no apology and dismissed it as a poor choice of words.
Again, the words to respond blew out of my head. I thought at the least he would see the obvious and be humbled. Instead, I was given arrogance and the spin that I translated what he said wrong.
I sat silent. The militant in me wanted to rage against the machine right then and there in this small office. The professional in me knew that would be like putting my career in that new noose. The professional silenced the militant and I responded in a calm but serious tone. “Just to let you know, you should probably never joke about hanging with a black person: that’s a sore subject.” He agreed and I left his office.
I considered taking my complaint to the next level but again knew it would hurt me more than anyone. I also wasn’t sure how the others in the meeting took it. I was the only person of color in the meeting and I was sure they would see it as casual harmless conversation.
My biggest frustration with this incident is that my manager never got the gravity of what he said. He didn’t spend days rewinding the incident like I did and if I were to ask him about it today, I am sure he wouldn’t remember this incident I can’t forget.
Do I think he was a racist?
No I don’t. He was ignorant to my culture and how I would perceive what he thought was a joke. In his eyes he did nothing wrong. His intent wasn’t to demean me or insult me. He was just ignorant and insensitive to my take on things.
Today, I still encounter ignorance on a regular basis. Often times, we scream racism when it is just someone saying or doing something because they don’t know any better.
I know how to deal with the racist, it is those who don’t choose to look outside their world and see things my way that I don’t know how to handle.
************************************************************************************************************************
As a transracial parent, you will often deal with racism and/or ignorance. How do you know the difference and do you handle them differently?
I look at this from two angles. One is as a white person who has screwed up too many times. I doubt I’m the norm but I can tell you that I DO rewind those comments in my mind and feel crappy about them to this day. None of them were intentional, racist or ignorant (your example was all three, in my opinion)… they were just thoughtless and unplanned… slipped off my tounge without thought to phrasing and came out sounding totally different than what I intended or meant. Truth is, I make stupid comments all the time that I regret but I regret the ones that could be misunderstood for racism the most because I know how deep it cuts into a person and how it represents myself and other white people so incredibly poorly!
I also look at this situation from the angle of a white person who cares and who WOULD have said something if I had been in that meeting. Your coworkers should have spoken up. It’s not fair to think of it as “your problem” because the comment was directed to you. Everyone else should have been screaming “foul”. Unfortunately, even as a white person who HAS confronted such situations at work, I’ve gotten the exact same response you did… that I’m overly sensitive or that I misunderstood. We’ve still got a long way to go… that’s for sure!
LikeLike
Kevin, I am sorry those words were spoken to you. They were hurtful and racist and wrong. I applaud you speaking to your boss later and wish he had heard you. They way I see it, it’s his loss not to truly know you.
I can totally relate to the “brain fog” you describe when hearing an inappropriate and cutting remark. That is why I go over and over it later – for some reason I just can’t think clearly when I feel cut off at the knees. Your story reminds me that one thing I can do with my kids and myself is actually practice responding to hurtful things so that I learn and teach how to keep my brain engaged.
Honestly I don’t see the distinction you describe – maybe I should. I’ll have to think about that.
At a workplace “sensitivity/cultural awareness” thing we all had to do (years ago) I was sitting in a circle with black and white people and one white lady responded to a black man’s comment about a time when he experienced discrimination by saying “I’m surprised to hear that because you don’t even look black.” That was one of those times I just sat there stunned and silent. I almost could not breath. I just looked at her and she sat there smiling thinking she had just paid this man a compliment and I wanted to yell at her but I did not know what to say and I honestly did not know if he wanted me or anyone else to say anything either. The general thinking later as I talked with him and others was that she would never “get it” so why bother.
This is a good thing to talk about over and over and over – among adults and with our children so they don’t feel so isolated when it happens to them.
LikeLike
I don’t think he was ignorant, I think he was racist. I grew up in a real small town and until I went to college, I only knew two black people – one raised by a white family. Even I would have known what a horrible thing that was to say. I have said stupid things out of ignorance, but nothing that visual or obviously out of line. He and the company are fortunate you didn’t litigate. I am as disgusted with the others in the room that didn’t speak up in your defense. To me that’s equally inexcuseable.
As far as how I will handle things with my children, I decided a long time ago not to take offense where none is intended. I know it’s not the same as racial discrimination, but being infertile brings a load of baggage with it. I’ve had so many insensitive and inappropriate things said to me. And since adoption, I’ve heard even more, though as of yet not much about race. If a person has good intentions, I let it go. If not, I address it. Maybe too much.
My dad says that just because something is true, I don’t need to say it. I tend to be a little too outspoken, but when it comes to my kids, I’m not going to feel guilty about it.
LikeLike
I’m originally from Dayton, Ohio. Bitching about being hung from a new rope is a common joke in our family. Because of this, I would never have thought twice if someone said that in front of my son or even to my son. Hearing it from your perspective has opened my eyes. Thank you for sharing this story. I need to talk to my family about how this will no longer be acceptable. These incites and pearls of wisdom are why I read this blog and am so excited to get the book!
LikeLike
Kevin, I’m curious… Would it have been positive to you if one of your white peers had said something to your boss in the meeting? What do you feel would have been helpful to you?
By the way, I think your response later (“you shouldn’t joke about that subject with black people”) was excellent, especially that you were able to come up with it in that moment.
I think the difference between racism and ignorance that you are talking about is that racism is purposeful and conscious, and ignorance isn’t. No doubt this comment IS rooted in racism, yet his claim to be clueless is likely true. It doesn’t make it okay, but it is different than people who are more intentional and deliberate about racism.
LikeLike
Nancy,
I never thought about before today when someone mentioned it that they were more upset with my peers who sat there and said nothing. It really dawned on me that that was an option. Then I got mad as to why they didn’t say anything. So to answer your question yes it would have helped greatly for someone else to speak up.
That is frustrating in a way to admit because in this situation as a black man I want to be self sufficient, but the one thing that would have help most of all is if a white person would have cried “foul.” Sadly, I think that would have carried more weight than me saying anything.
Also you spell out my point nicely. There is a difference between someone who is just clueless and someone who does it purposeful.
LikeLike
Wow Kevin, I would have been stunned, too. I’m sorry you had to confront such an ugly (and yes, racist) statement, and it sounds like you handled it perfectly. No, really, I’m not just saying that. Given that no one else spoke up, I doubt if it would have gone well if you’d spoken up at the time – even if you’d had the perfect words. Given that, bringing it up later, calmly and privately, was perhaps the only way that he could have been educated. And you know, I’d bet he learned more from that than you think – not just from what you said, but from how you handled yourself.
I too have a bit of a hard time seeing the distinction that makes his remark not racist. From how you describe it, it does sound to me as if he was trying to put you in your place a bit – or to test you. He may not have completely consciously realized what he was doing, but I do think it wasn’t random that he said it to you.
I guess a big part of the problem is that there are two fairly different meanings to racism. The popular meaning is that someone is hateful and has evil intent and is pretty much beyond reach. Sometimes it seems as if you practically have to be a Klansman to meet that definition. Then there’s the academic definition of racism, which as I understand it deals with the way the institutions of the society are set up to discriminate against people of color and to hold them back from what they otherwise might achieve. What your boss said, and his failure to (at least immediately) recognize the problem even when you told him about it, was certainly an example of institutional racism and its systemic effects. Ignorance can probably be said to be caused by racism, in that view (which is pretty much my view). No calling someone “a racist” is probably never a great idea, under either definition — certainly not to their face. The very best that can result from that is having them shut you out. But calling a remark racist or pointing out racism doesn’t have to be quite as fraught as the label applied to a person. (though I have to admit I’ve applied it to some politicians, but not to their faces)
It is true that intent and the culture of the speaker have a lot to do with how I react, though. My daughter is Chinese (I am White), so many of the remarks are more subtle than remarks towards Blacks tend to be. And I think they are more often coming from a place of ignorance; I have a hard time buying a lot of claims of ignorance about African Americans, after all we have a Black/Biracial President and it isn’t as if race wasn’t discussed during the campaign! (Though since my high school was 97% Black, I realize my perspective is a little skewed.)
The most ignorant remarks I have heard have so far been about adoption rather than race (about how much she cost, etc.) and as far as I can remember have come only from people of color (from Latinas, which is not surprising considering most of my collegues are Latinas; and from Chinese immigrants, which is not surprising because the taboo about talking about money isn’t nearly the same and the curiousity level is understandably high). I try to answer these questions calmly, comparing the cost to giving birth without insurance, and talking about how it was the services of many professionals I was paying for, not my daughter. The subtle things about being smart (well, she is!) and big for her age (which she is a teensy bit, but mostly compared to what size they expect Asians to be) are harder – I have a hard time identifying bias from reality. I tend mostly to smile and nod and try to avoid that person in the future. I have an easier time calling out racism directed towards others. When it is my daughter I, too, tend to be stunned.
LikeLike
Oh, oops, that was really long. Sorry. Not meaning to take over your blog, just my usual rambling.
LikeLike
What you said resonates with me.. I have no problem confronting folks when deliberate racism comes into play… it is so much harder to confront when you know that what they just said is coming from ignorance. It is still racist, but that wasn’t how they intended to come across.
My mother-in-law made a mistake like this.. I was learning how to care for my daughter’s hair and I decided to experiment with extensions and beading. I remember telling my mother-in-law to look for some fun beads for me. Out of her mouth popped: “Well, you don’t want her to look TOO African American.”. I was literally stunned. Never had she ever said anything that would ever make me think she was uncomfortable with the makeup of our family or anything to do with black hair culture. I think I gasped out loud. This was a phone conversation. She hung up quickly and I was in a FOG, just like you described. What do I do? I have to confront her. Well, she called me back and apologized profusely, saying she didn’t mean that and couldn’t believe she had said that and she begged forgiveness. If she had not realized what she did and said, I don’t know how I could have recovered from this. It still upsets me when I remember it even though she has never said any other comments before or after that event.
LikeLike
Oh.
My.
God.
My head almost just exploded reading this.
Your ex-boss was BAD. WRONG. MEAN. DUMB. AND DUMBER.
GRRRR that pisses me off immensly. I’m so sorry you had to have that situation and sentence rent space in your head for so long.
I have also said one thing that sounded racist, although my intent was not racist… I was on medication and everything was coming out garbled anyway, but I still think of it and I’m ashamed and want to explain to the people I was with….
As far as your other question, how do you deal with racism or ignorance as a parent, I JUST had the opportunity to make that decision when Charlie’s teacher took her elastics out of her braids. Most comments called her racist. I decided, knowing her and seeing her everyday, that she was ignorant to black hair care, but not “intentionally” or maliciously racist. I decided to educate her on black hair care, what it means, how much time and love goes into doing my daughter’s hair, in the hopes that she will never, ever, ever, touch her hair again. I wrote about the whoe saga here:
http://ethiopian-adoption-journey.blogspot.com/search/label/hair%20care
LikeLike
I confess that I coming from the N.E. part of the country have never heard that expression before. however just reading it the once made my blood boil. I think you were a lot nicer about thinking the situation was due to ignorance and not racism than I would be. After all it sounded racist to me just reading it. In my opinion if ignorance is not a defense under the law, then at some level this applies to issues of race. Obviously there are gradiations of that. A comment about a black person not needing sunscreen is ignorant, not racist. A comment that in any way puts white people in a power over dynamic or somehow appears to glorify the denigration that happened to blacks is racist. Period. Off soapbox now!
LikeLike
I struggle with ignorance in my family. Our family just received a referral for a little boy from Ethiopia and are thrilled. My sister’s second comment after “Wow, how exciting!” was “So, are you going to be offended if I or someone were to call him a little monkey?”
Having to explain to her (who already had an inkling it isn’t the most approproate thing to say about child of color) that it isn’t about choosing to be offended, but rather being sensitive to comments that touch on things rooted in racism is so frustrating.
To her, she doesn’t mean it in a derogatory way, and so thus I shouldn’t take it as such. She believes that racism doesn’t exist anymore and these old (or not so old) connotations behind certain words and phrases shouldn’t have any power or weight and the only way to get there is to just say them and take them without malice.
She’s so hard to talk to about being sensitive. She is not racist. But she has a hard time not saying ignorant and racist things. There is a difference and it is much harder to confront someone who “doesn’t mean it that way…”
It is going to be a long road with her.
LikeLike
One of the things I struggle with most as a white dad is how do I prepare my African American kids for the moment they first encounter racism. I was raised in a rural, all white area, so the only way I saw racism is when ignorant fools (like your boss) talked trash in front of an all white audience.
I will be seeking mentors for my children and continue to seek out black friends who I can call upon for guidance.
Your blog and upcoming book is a great resource.
LikeLike
I am white, and I foster children of all races for an aa-focused agency. Early on I had to be gently educated (and I really did appreciate the ‘gently’!) on how inappropriate it was to refer to my aa foster son as a ‘little monkey’. I had honestly never even been aware that it was a racial slur!
Even *I* would have been aware thatyour manager’s comment was wrong…..even if you WEREN’T aa, it would have been wrong, but the fact that you are makes it even more unprofessional, inappropriate and the mark of a very ineffective and unskilled manager.
I am in a position where I *may* have three young boys in my care lose their family. My time with this agency has done much to open my eyes to all I don’t know about the challenges of growing up black in America, and it scares me to death. I love these boys…..but can I presume to think I could raise three boys to be proud, confident and successful young black men??
Just the other day, I stopped by my agency’s office with two of my boys. The 10mo has a truly horrific shriek – I laughingly commented that my daughter refers to him as ‘the howler monkey’……and immediately kicked myself! While my adopted daughter (biracial, herself) also meant nothing by it other than seeing a strong resemblence to the cute, clinging animals with the unearthly shrieks on the animal planet, I still felt I could see these ladies wondering ‘will she ever get it’????
I am still heartsick over repeating that comment.
LikeLike
I just ran across this from The Southern Poverty Law Center’s Teaching Tolerance site, and it reminded me of your story. The whole site is wonderful.
http://www.tolerance.org/handbook/speak/my-own-bias-0
LikeLike
As a white adoptive mom to two beautiful, amazing and oh-so-intelligent black children (the one prejudice I think is OK — thinking your kids are the best in the world!), I can tell you that I am horrified by what your boss said to you. I grew up in the deep South, and believe me, I have heard more than my fair share of bigoted comments. I might have been able to understand his excuse that it’s a common saying in the area where he grew up, except that he wasn’t apologetic. You absolutely did the right thing by calling him on his statement, and I realize that awareness of race issues over a decade ago was very different from where we are now. But STILL. How could anyone think that invoking images of lynchings to an African American man isn’t going to be perceived as bigoted?
Ignorance is part of the issue, and people really do need to be better informed. After growing up in a very white suburb of Memphis, Tennessee, I moved to New York City, and lived in Harlem for most of a decade. The experience of being the minority was probably the most important life lesson I could ever have received. It was a blessing, and it made me much more aware of the racism that had surrounded me growing up.
I have found myself in several situations since adopting my aforementioned amazing children that horrified me. It is pretty obvious to anyone who sees me with my kids that I am not their biological mother. I am about as pale as anyone could be, and they are quite clearly not mixed-race. I had a woman in a store walk up to me, ask me if my kids were adopted, and she said…”I’ve always wanted to adopt, but I just don’t think I could adopt black children because people might think I had slept with a black man.” When you talk about confusion and embarrassment rushing around your head — that’s how I felt. ESPECIALLY since my kids were RIGHT THERE! I was frozen. I had no idea of what to say. Then a woman who happened to be standing a few feet away said, “Like any black man would WANT to sleep with you!” I have never been so grateful to a stranger for stepping in on my behalf. The woman who had made the freakish comment quickly slithered off. Fortunately, my kids were concentrating more on the SpongeBob SquarePants items in the aisle than the adults around them.
LikeLike
“Then a woman who happened to be standing a few feet away said, “Like any black man would WANT to sleep with you!””
I LOVE it! There ARE some angels out there! 🙂
LikeLike
‘A closed mouth gathers no foot.’ (for your boss)
LikeLike
I never did see this as a racial comment, my father who
died in 1972 made this comment several time during my growing up
years. Sometimes directed to me about me and sometimes to me about
others I never considered it racist. I took it as, grow up son and
quit your bitch’n, life is not fair but you have to play the hand
you were dealt the best you can. And my race or religion never did
enter in to my interpretation of the comment.
LikeLike
I stumbled upon your page in a web search and thought that I would fill you in on something.
The phrase regarding complaining about being hung with a new rope implies someone who complains about something inconsequential or harmless. You cannot usually hang someone with a new rope. A new rope has never been used and has never been stretched. If you tried to kill someone by hanging them with a new rope, the rope would likely stretch all the way to the ground and harm no one. It was a very common phrase used in the US in the 50s and 60s and has no connotation of race.
Believe it or not, there are many white folks in the US, especially born and reared after the civil rights movement of the 60s who are unaware of lynching of blacks. Your manager was honest in stating that he used the phrase in ignorance to the baggage that you attached to it. He would have, and probably has, used the phrase in a similar situation of someone complaining about something inconsequential with someone of any race. Race has no connection to the meaning of the phrase.
As a person of color, I think it unrealistic to expect that everyone is aware of the baggage that folks of any particular race may carry and have to out think themselves so as not to offend. If you are always expecting offense, you will likely not be disappointed.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So do we just chalk it up as his ignorance and the feelings I derived from it as inconsequential?
That response sounds eerily similar to “you’re being too sensitive.” As a manager of a diverse population his response should have been more sympathetic instead of the “oops, my bad,” attitude I got. I don’t fault his ignorance but once pointed out he should have managed his response and reaction to what in my eyes was very offensive.
This type of thing happens too often and is excused by “well I didn’t know, so just get over it.”
A proper response would have been, “I didn’t realize that that phrase would be interpreted that way. I didn’t mean to offend you and I’m sincerely sorry if I did.” This addresses my feelings and I am more apt to forgive his ignorance. What could have been an issue is no longer an issue. Now if I hold on to it that’s my issue.
LikeLike
I think that you are being too sensitive to the situation. You need to own your feelings and understand why you have blown this way out of proportion to what actually occurred. Read your description of the encounter and your overblown adjectives regarding your feelings immediately afterward. You have made something form almost nothing and continue to do so. So to me the question is why? Why did you feel such righteous indignation over what was really something quite small? Why did you in your own ignorance of the use of the common phrase, load it with so much more meaning than it carries?
All of this hinges upon your own expectations of what is or is not proper. You have a hidden expectation of how he should have reacted to you in the later conversation. You continue to make this bigger than it was.
LikeLike
You’re right, in the future I should just get over my feelings. I will toughen up and stop making a big deal out of nothing.
The next time someone says something that offends me I will chalk it up to my sensitivity. No sense in making the blissfully ignorant upset.
LikeLike
Unfortunately, that is the childish answer. Children usually take the ridiculous extreme instead of actually confronting what is really going on.
Ciao, I thought that you should know what the phrase is about. It was not my intention to get involved in a long session. I get paid for those 50 minute hours in my day job.
LikeLike
I have a challenge for you if you’re adult enough which I’m sure you are. Thanks for the opportunity to be educated by you while at the same time bring talked down to. I think your self-righteous arrogant attitude equaled if not surpassed my righteous indignation.
The challenge is this: relay this story to 5 black people. Relay the context in which the phrase was used without blessing them with your great knowledge and then ask them how they interpret this phrase. You must relay that the phase was said by a white man who was a superior to the man of color in front of all white peers. Report back as to their responses.
If you’re motivation is to educate then this challenge should be something you can accept. I’m very interested to see what you find and it gives you a chance to prove me wrong.
I doubt we will hear from you again.
LikeLike
“I doubt we will hear from you again.”
There is no doubt, I indeed intended you to infer that from my last comment I have no intention of participating more. I shared what I intended to share. Sadly the only arrogance here is on your part. I am a practicing industrial psychologist, I work on a daily basis with human resource departments, I have experience with similar situations. I never rise when baited and insulted. I think anyone reading this will understand where the fault lies, both in my encounter with you and now reflected back on the original situation.
Fare well.
LikeLike
Your arrogance shows in your need to share with us your job title. Your initial comment dripped with arrogance and entitlement.
Keep in mind you began this conversation. I never solicited nor asked for the genesis of the phrase or your comments on my deficiencies.
I will say if you can’t see how that phrase could offend someone you need to be in another profession because you are the last HR rep. I want to handle something like this.
The challenge still stands.
LikeLike
Brother David, you have got to be kidding me!!! “There are many white folks in the US, especially born and reared after the civil rights movement of the 60s who are unaware of lynching of blacks.” I grew up in an all-white school in an all-white community, but I did take US History once in junior high and once in high school. Anyone who has even a cursory overview of US history understands that racism against African-Americans is a key component in our national story. And last I checked, US history was required in all high schools for all students. Give me a break. I have no doubt you tell them women who are being sexually harrassed in the companies you work for that they are being too sensitive, too. You seem to be a psychologist without any empathy, any perspective-taking, and any cross-cultural awareness. Go to therapy yourself, or just get a different job.
LikeLike
“You’d bitch if you were hung with a new rope.” Is not a racist comment, in my opinion. A new rope would hurt more to hang by, because it is scratchy around the neck and provides more friction as it tightens around the neck producing a looser strangle, possibly prolonging the inevitable for a short while. An old noose will not be as scratchy and will have been well greased providing for a nice tight strangle and quicker departure. The term refers to bitching about things that don’t really matter, as either way new rope or old you would soon be dead and your bitching, fruitless. That is my interpretation anyway. I use this saying on occasion with no regard to race as a means of saying, “you bitch too much” or “quit your bitching”. I do agree his when and where to use this phrase was inappropriate and his excuse poor and unacceptable.
LikeLike
The phrase is very old and while not of racist origin, or even American origin from what I am told, it is inappropriate in any business context. It implies bodily harm and that is inexcusable.
You have a right to be offended. Anyone should be. It is an aggressive and threatening phrase when taken out of context.That some people use it in an endearing manner within families (mine does now and then) does not mean it is free for use in the workplace.
For my part, I always took it to have been rephrased from it’s Old World origins to reference cattle rustlers, horse thieves etc. who were subjected to such treatment, given the phrase’s popularity in the Midwest. The racist subtext never occurred to me until you pointed it out. But it can still be a valid interpretation if that’s the effect it had on you. A threat of any kind of harm, especially in a formal atmosphere, should cause concern in any sane person.
LikeLike
“You’d complain if a fly landed on your $#!? sandwich”.
Is that better? See, NO racial undertones whatsoever!
Cut your manager some slack… No pun intended!
The American language is so wonderfully colorful, you’d go batty trying to be anal about every little phrase you ANALize.
LikeLike
My white mother used to say that to me, her white son. Lighten up. Believe it or don’t everything isn’t racist. Everything isn’t about you. Every thought every person has isn’t carefully-thought-out or filled with double entendre. As Freud said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”
LikeLike
If I am offended by something someone says whether intended or not I have the right to voice that and not be dismissed with catchy quotes. As a person of color you become keenly aware of what is and what isn’t a racially insensitive comment. Given our nation’s history with racism, and hanging of people of color this comment was ignorant at best. Being told I’m being too sensitive is a typical rebuttal and my rebuttal to that is maybe you are being too insensitive to my view of things.
LikeLike
I am so sick and tired of the misused “racist” knee-jerk reaction. Classless? Sure. Clever? Yes. Apporpriate for work environment? Absolutely not. Insensitive? Assuming you are black (I haven’t even paid attention here), you betcha. But racist? Racism is defined as actions, practices or beliefs, or social or political systems that consider different races to be ranked as inherently superior or inferior to each other, based on presumed shared inheritable traits, abilities, or qualities. NO ONE is referring to one RACE as superior to the other? It’s just absolutely, unequivocally WRONG to lay out this word. You cause more damage playing that card, then not.
Geez, just grow a pair and toughen up. It wasn’t appropriate for that person to say it, but when there are so many more things to dedicate the time and energy in writing this post, is this the best use of your time? Ugh. Our society has the sensitivity and strength of a spider’s silk.
LikeLike
Please point out to me in the blog where I say this person is a racist. Never once did I say he or this comment was racist. Reader are leaders! I choose to dedicate my time to the conversation of race and the cop out on your part is to tell me to simply get over it. The microaggression that I face as a man of color in this society is a daily experience which has enlarged my pair to the point it is difficult to walk. Why are those who take offense to comments like this the ones who are often in the wrong. If I perceive something as insensitive I have every right to voice that and speak out against it. Fighting to eradicate comments like this is a great use of my time. By the way if you were to compare the strength of a spider’s web to it’s size you would find that it is actually very very strong and durable. READERS ARE LEADERS.
LikeLike
This has been going on for 4 years and your still just a big black baby that needs his momma. Really? You want someone to stand up for you. Stand up yourself. “He offended me”. Waa waa waa….the pusification of America. Brother David is absolutely correct…and it just so happens he a psychologist? Your a bitch, go listen to some rap music about shooting people and degrading women that all the media pushes and the white youngsters are influenced by then come back and post your reaction…who should be offended?
LikeLike
Wow! I’m speechless.
LikeLike
First, the phrase is “You would bitch if you WEREN’T hung with a new rope.” Either he said it wrong or you heard it wrong.
The phrase has nothing to do with race nor any racially charged event or situation. You are being too sensitive and self-centered.
The phrase means that even in matters in which are important you are fixed on complaining about off-topic trivia. The statement is saying that you are an incessant and habitual complainer AND that you have difficulty with prioritization and focus. In short: you are a narrow thinking whiner.
The bigger question is whether or not it is true.
My advice to you is to examine yourself for these issues. Grow up. Get yourself out of the entitlement mentality that the world owes you happiness and stop hiding behind the government, your HR department and politicians.
LikeLike
You got all that from a post I wrote years ago. I’ll stop hiding behind my gov’t, HR, department and politicians the very second you stop hiding behind a keyboard you self-righteous condescending coward!
LikeLike
This saying comes from the medival ages. It means you are going to be hanged today and you are bitching about a rope; now a days we would say, not sweat the small stuff. This saying has been passed down through the ages since the 15 th century when it was the law you had the right to be hanged with a new robe. Hope this help. Sorry it caused you so much pain.
LikeLike
This comment was recently used by a Bill Cosby accuser in reference to Dr. Camille Cosby. I didn’t like it, never heard it used before, and decided to research it’s meaning. The actual comment was “Well, she would complain if she was hung by a new rope.” It is my opinion that given the African American’s history in this country, it is totally insensitive and brutal to use this term to demean them. It really is a very ugly thing to say to anybody. Your article was very informative.
http://tattletailzz.com/bill-cosby-accuser-camille-cosby-would-complain-if-she-was-hung-by-a-rope/
LikeLike
The phrase “complain if you were hung with a new rope” is NOT RACIST at all. It is simply a way of saying your complaint is petty or insignificant. It is not about YOU it is about what you are complaining about. You clearly do not understand what the man meant when he said it and taking it as a racist comment is absolutely misplaced. It is about the significance of your position- not about YOU in any way. Turning everything into a racist issue suggests you are obsessed with it and I suspect you take a lot of comments the wrong way. Just my take, but I think you clearly missed an opportunity to show you have a good sense of humor, and can take a joke – you could have laughed it off or found a way to turn it around – but, again, the comment is about what you must haves said, and it is NOT about who or what you are. Sheesh… If you do not know what something means, you should learn about it before embarrassing yourself on your blog by turning it into something it was not. Just MY take… TT
LikeLike
I just found this by Google, as I just used poorly chose the same phrase about 30 minutes ago and got called on the carpet for it. I feel like the biggest idiot. Now I’m going to carry this label, in a predominantly minority workplace. I’ve apologized, and done all I can to reassure that color had nothing to do with what I said. Everything I want to do seems like it would only make this worse. Apparently this now defines me in some eyes.
LikeLike
This can be something that defines you or something that makes you better. I would suggest you research and do some homework and find out why this is such an offensive saying. Once you have done that and truly understand it I would have a conversation with the person in the workplace you are closest to and explain you have done your homework to educate yourself and understand why this is an inappropriate thing for you to say and simply ask for forgiveness. Once that is done you will simply have to prove yourself and commit to showing growth and evolution and eventually you will earn your way back.
LikeLike