“Why do you need to find her, I’m your REAL mother.” This was the response a good friend of mine received when he announced he wanted to try and find his birth mother.
This was only the beginning of a conversation that just got progressively worse as he tried to explain why and his mother let her fear do her talking. At the end of the conversation that turned in to a debate, both sides were locked. He was committed to finding his birth mother and she was committed to letting him do it…..without her support.
My friend is 40 years old and his mother is afraid if he finds his birth mother that he will leave her to be with his birth mother. It seems illogical that after 40 years he would leave his mother who has poured into him over the past 40 years. But looking at it from his mother’s side, this is a fear that was planted long ago and has grown in her for the past 40 years. She has nursed it and fed it too over the past four decades. Although it does seem illogical the full grown fear has convinced her it is logical.
He called me and asked if I would help find his birth mother. He gave me the reasons why when I didn’t ask. He was so conditioned to stating his case that he felt the need to do so with me. I understood the whys before he listed them one by one. His reasons were the same as mine and could be summed up in one word: answers. He wanted the answers that only this one woman could give him. Whether it was medical history, or genetic history, or the real story behind the adoption, he just wanted answers.
Initially, I encouraged him and gave him the email address to the adoption angel that helped me find my birth family. I agreed with him he had the right to know the answers.
A few days later, I began reading Aurette Bowes’ book, Someone’s Daughter . In her book she explains a similar scenario where she is anxious to find her birth mother and is committed to doing so without her mother’s approval. Then she came to the realization that searching for her birth mother could gravely affect her relationship with her mother. Her pastor asked her this one simple question. “Are you sure you want to risk that(your established relationship with your mother) for the sake of finding a total stranger who may not want to acknowledge you?”
Immediately, the thought of my friend rushed in to my head. I called him and shared with him what I just read and advised him that he shouldn’t proceed until he had his mother’s blessing. He was having no luck finding his birth mother and he agreed this may be the reason why. He decided to try and sit down with his mother again and talk it over.
My prayer for him is that his mother will realize after 40 years, he isn’t going anywhere. After 40 years, these questions aren’t going anywhere either, and after 40 years she can let him go and he will come back. After 40 years, it’s time to get those quiet questions answered.
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As adoptive parents, how do you view the day your child comes to you and announces they want to find their birth parents?
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I think this adoptive parent needs therapy for herself. She is selfishly putting her own needs over her child’s needs and I cannot believe in this day and age, a woman is still saying that to her child. Maybe it will affect their relationship if he looks anyway, who knows? I still think it is his right and his need. What if he looks are she dies and finds out his birth mom died 2 months before, and he missed the opportunity to know her. He may be angry with his adopted mother and resent her for that, too.
So many people (both bio and adopted parents) look at children as the person who is supposed to meet their needs. In fact, it is the parent who is supposed to meet the child’s needs. Would this adoptive mom even read a book explaining to her what a jerk she is being to her child? I would, of course, 100% be supportive of my child in her quest to do this. How many adopted kids have self censored their beliefs and thoughts in order to not upset their parents? People like this woman are the reason. She needs to get over herself and her needs and do the right thing for her child.
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I just found your blog from a link on an adoption group and I’m very thankful for you and your wisdom. Our adopted children are only 3 and 4mths but I imagine they will want to meet their birth families eventually. Having met both birthmoms we can give them some firsthand info but not much. I think I’ll be scared – for them that they are not well rec’d or disappointed by what they discover and also for us, that we’ll say or do something that makes it more painful for our children and drive a wedge between us. My gut is that it’s best to wait until they’re beyond the teen years of impulsivity and limited life experience but we’ll have to wait and see how important it is to them as they grow.
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That we will help our children search for their birth parents when they are grown, if they so choose, has always been a part of the dialog with our children. It is their life; it is their story. They have a right to pursue the answers they need.
So far we have given age-appropriate answers to questions posed by them about their birth parents and the circumstances of their adoptions. They are only seven and I am sure there will be many more questions to come.
Just like biological children, we adoptive parents do no “own” our children. We are helping to escort them through their lives. If one of the needs in their life is to meet or otherwise get to know their birthparents, then that is what will happen.
Am I nervous at the thought? Yup. But then I just remind myself that our love runs very deep. I am their mother. And then I remind myself that a child cannot have too may people love them.
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And someone else is their mother too. No, a child cannot have too many people that love them, most importantly the mother who gave them life.
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Excellent post, and something I think about quite a lot. I’ve been lurking on your blog for awhile now 🙂 In july we adopted a sweet little black girlie, and I am her white momma. We currently don’t have much info on her birth mom, though we were given a picture of her with our daughter in the hospital on the day she was born. The picture is framed in her bedroom. Our girlie is still so young, 10 months, but I think about this day, when she will want to find more on her bmom, a lot. I know God’s grace will be there. I admit, there is a tiny fear there, but for many reasons. Will our girlie be hurt if her bmom doesn’t want a relationship with her? Will our girlie idealize what her relationship with her could have been? Will she still view me as her mom? Always? Even if she has a relationship with her bmom? But I KNOW God is in control of all of this. Your post is encouraging. Thanks for keeping this blog up…on behalf of other momma like me 🙂
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This is why I am SO thankful for open adoption. My son will never have to “go and find” his birthparents. We know who they are, we get together with them twice a year (and would more often if they desired), and can contact them any time. I don’t feel threatened by this and I am thankful that my son will always have the option of knowing where he came from. My father, an adoptee, has closed and sealed adoption records and has no information about his birthfamily–whom he has never been able to locate. I have seen how this has been somewhat damaging to him and am thankful history will not be repeated with my son.
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Our daughter also has an open adoption and knows most of her first family. I’m very grateful that her birthmom was interested in open adoption. We are very close and my daughter will never have to have those awkward conversations with us, or have to try to search for family.
My sister’s adoption was closed, and although she has found her birthmom, my mom was not very supportive initially. And my mom is also not very supportive of our open adoption. She thinks our daughter is traumatized when she has contact with her bio family. That has been very difficult for us to listen to. But we have a wonderful, loving relationship with her bio family and trust our guts, and the wisdom of my sister and people like Kevin, that we are doing the right thing. Our daughter has a lot more contentment surrounding her adoption than my sister did growing up. The loss is still there, but there’s more peace and acceptance.
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There is a great book titled “You’re Not My REAL Mother!” by Molly Friedrich. It explains that a real mother takes care of the boo boos, zips jackets, cooks, drives, and does all the other day to day things. She then talks about the reason they look different, which is because of the birth mother. I know there will be a day when my daughter will want to meet her birthmom (we have a semi-open adoption, she has pictures and some letters) and the birthmom will meet her. In the beginning, I had to process my feelings of fear, but then realized it wasn’t about finding a “better mother”, it was about questions – who does she look like, what has her birthmother gone through. In addition, there will be half siblings for her to meet. Selfishly, I wish I didn’t have to deal with all of that, but the fact is, those people are a part of my daughter, and i need to learn to share. I am proud of her, though she’s only 6, and I know someday she’ll have more questions that I won’t be able to answer. I’m a bit worried about the birthfather component because he denied paternity and because of a clerical error, we have his name and birthday and would be easy to find. Do we use this information when she’s an adult, even though we aren’t supposed to have it and she’ll probably face rejection? Adoption is a beautiful thing, but will always involve another group of people, and I think my daughter’s heart has room for all of us.
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Children of adoption have TWO real mothers. One who is raising them and the other who sacrificed her happiness for her childs, because she thought she was doing the right thing, if she was young and unmarried at the time of placement. I get tired of this “I am the real mother” debate. Without the real mother who gave birth to that child, there would be no real mother who has the priviledge of raising that child.
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I am an Adult Adoptee in reunion. My comments aren’t always published on blogs because my comments aren’t always what people want to hear. However, the research and personal experiences are there and the intention to make things better for everyone, especially children who are walking in my shoes, the shoes of the adopted. I hope you will understand that my comments are not to offend and will publish them.
At any rate, it saddens me to hear responses, in books, from commenters from mothers…from anyone, about “real” families. Are their “fake” families? Are their “real” kids vs. “fake” kids? We need to understand that labels are established in adoption for the need of elevating one person over another. When a woman has given birth and is about to take new newborn home, what has she “done” in order to “deserve” to be called the newborn’s “mother?” There have been no booboos to kiss, no recitals to pay for, and no shoulder to cry on when a first pet has died. When we label who can be “mother” or “real” mother based on who has “done” the most, we put our OWN motherhood at risk. The idea that parenthood has to be “earned” means that anyone who has more or can give more than you is more deserving to parent than you are. No one wants their value as a parent established this way; therefore, we cannot do this to “First Mothers,” lessening their importance using labels and suggesting that they are not “real.”
Adoptees actually meet the criteria for a minority group. Seldom do people understand this. Along with minority group status is the fact that minorities tend to have no power to establish the societal “norms” and “opinions” on how we ought to feel about adoption. This often results in a lifetime of an adopted person being told by non-adopted individuals how they *ought* to feel about being adopted. Labels like “real” and “I’ve done more for you than she has!!!” as well as implications that one needs to be extra-grateful for having a “good life,” simply because of their adoptee-status, are often assigned. All of these things can be extremely oppressive to the adoptee. Adoptees need room to breathe to establish their own feelings and make their OWN labels (if they feel the need to do such); this should never, ever be done for them.
In addition to being an Adult Adoptee, I am also the adopted descendant of an Infertile couple and I ALSO struggle with infertility and reproductive issues. In this experience, I can tell you that sadly, my parents traumatic issues from suffering from pregnancy loss and inability to achieve pregnancies was not dealt with before I was adopted. Adoption was presented as a “cure” to what ailed them as if becoming parents cured all of the pain and suffering from infertility. Adoption did not make that go away–and it did not “cure” their infertility; infertility was still there rearing its ugly head. That being said, what a job I was given! What idealized expectations were placed upon me to “make up for” children that could not be had. I was a Tabula Rassa; a baby that would take the place of giving biological birth. The result of this? A lifetime of my mother suffering in insecurity that I would leave her and that she wasn’t good enough. She feared my First Mother, even though we had never met her, and insults on biology were frequent. “Giving birth doesn’t make you a mother!!!!” I’ve so often heard. “I was the one who was there, I was the one who kissed you goodnight, I am your mother!!” What do we tell children when hurtful things are said to them? “They’re just putting you down to make themselves feel better.” Right? Why do we do this to First Mothers? If an Adoptive Parent is secure in their role, tallying lists of what you’ve done that makes you “best” should be unnecessary.
As an adoptee, to hear this from anyone, this hurts my soul. When an adoptive parent feels that their descendant’s desire to know their roots marks “disloyalty” or is a confirmation of “failed” parenting—what a burden this places on the adoptee. I had my parent’s blessing to search and reunite, but I know it hurt my mother deeply. What hurts me the most is that someone who loves me would be so hurt by me going out and doing something that was best for me and healing to me. Should adoptees sit and refuse to heal for the sake of others?
No.
Adoption is a lonely road many times; in more ways than one. This research is sited many times no my blog if anyone wishes to find it and look it up themselves. Infant Mental Health research has extensively concluded that extreme stressors infants as early as birth endure are emotionally recorded and can be emotionally remembered throughout an individual’s entire life. Adoption is no exclusion to this. An infant who is born and listens for the heartbeat he has memorized, the face of the mother that he can pick out of a lineup (despite never seeing her before), the smell he already knows and the spiritual, chemical and emotional connection he has spent 9 months with her making—and when he cannot find her–it is extremely stressful. Another mother does not “replace” that for an infant–research shows that he DOES know the difference. While a First Mother may have been unwilling to parent and therefore, the adoption was “necessary,” an infant does not understand this. All he understands at the immediate time is “loss,” and this is very painful.
Unfortunately, these losses are preverbal and go for years, sometimes even a lifetime without cognitive labels. Adoptees have feelings they cannot describe and sometimes are unable to recognize. When we tell others why we need to reunite we come out with logical reasons like “family medical history” or “wanting to know how much we weighed at birth” but these reasons are inadequate labels for what we feel inside.
I was the adoptee with no thoughts or feelings on being adopted. I had lingering emotions that I thought were the product of friends teasing me at one point in time or whatever else but certainly nothing I ever felt was because I was adopted. Everyone around me told me how wonderful adoption was and how “lucky” I was and how “grateful” I should be. Who would dare blame any sort of weird “feeling” on such a “wonderful” event in their life? It took me three years to accept the fact that my husband loved me. One night he said “I love you” to which I retorted “don’t you tell me you love me. Just tell me you won’t leave.” It sprung from my lips; at the time I had no clue where it came from. Upon the miracle pregnancy and birth of my one and only son, cognitive labels and identifying emotions of the emotional, psychological, chemical and spiritual bond between mother and child flooded to me and I could not bear the pain of my adoption loss I had now identified with. I needed to find her.
The ONLY cognitive label I am able to verbalize about why I needed to find my First Mother is: “I am a mother; and now I know.” And THAT should be good enough.
When I did find her? I found a woman who with her family, my 7 biological aunts/uncles and 25 biological cousins had celebrated my birthday every single year. I found a woman who had pined after me for 25 years, calling the agency only to be lied to, blown off, and given no answers. I found a woman who had spent my life wondering if I were even alive. I found a woman who was helpless, never wanted to give me up in the first place but had no choice. I found a woman who was one heck of a mother to my brothers (I have brothers!! 🙂 ) and was loved by everyone around her. I found a woman who had suffered greatly by my absense and who loved me.
First Mothers deserve to know that the children that they surrendered are OK. They are human beings. No one should hinder the opportunity of Adoptee and First Mother from healing. I did not “leave” my adoptive mother. But I do not spend time elevating one mother over the other either. Adoption and reunion are not about that. I have TWO mothers, that I both call “mom” because this is what I want; this is my life afterall isn’t it? 🙂
Not every reunion is as wonderful as mine is. However, across the board, research has shown that 95% of all First Mothers found are “happy” to “extremely happy” that the Adult Adoptee found them. Because of legislation changes beginning in the United States, there is currently focus on 6 particular states. In these states a total of less than 1% of First Mothers found did not want contact with the Adult Adoptee.
I’ve lost count of how many adoptees I’ve heard say this: “it doesn’t matter how painful the journey is along the way or how good or bad what you find at the other end is….it is ALWAYS better to know.”
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This is in reply to Amanda. Sorry I hit the wrong “reply” button initially.
Wow wow wow wow.
Thank you for writing all of this.
I am an adoptive mom of an Ethiopian girl, and managed to (despite the rules of my agency) meet and get the address of her first mom. I have written her and she has written back. I have sent masses of pictures and she has sent back also a picture of her and my daughter’s half brother.
I’m trying to have an “open” adoption despite the distance.
Yes, I am fearful, my own insecurities, the “fantasy birth mother” who is seen like a fairy godmother type who no day to day mom could compete with…. but I will still nourish our relationship and encourage my daughter’s relationship with her because that’s what is best for my daughter. When I became a mom, it was no longer about me.
So thanks for reminding me that it’s my turn to write a letter and send pictures. Let me get right on that.
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🙂
You are absolutely right, becoming parents means it is no longer about us….as heartbreaking as this may be. I think it’s an important message for Prospective Adoptive Parents as well. So many become so dissapointed when an adoption falls through or a Prospective First Mother decides not to relinquish her child–but if not experiencing adoption loss and staying with his original mother is what is best for the child…THAT is what it should be about. Being an adult, in-general, is about wanting what is best for kids. What is “best” is not measured by material possessions or the child-friendly country club down the street (some of the “Dear Birth Mother” profiles on agency websites kind of blow my mind). NO one wants their parenting value to be measured by possessions because then only 1% of us would be qualified to parent! 🙂 Parenting is a self-sacrificing act; it really is.
I think it’s great that your child has access to original identity, family and heritage. As someone from a closed adoption, I can’t tell you what it’s like to go back through the history of your life and get to the point when your adoption took place and see a wall of “nothing.” No previous religion, no previous nationality, no previous medical history, no pictures, never seeing someone who looked like me or was biologically related to me…nothing. When you ask me to look in the mirror and pick out family features…I see nothing. These are things of value and that society values…but they are not things many adoptees can take part in. Nothing replaces knowing your roots.
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I am a birthmother and my best friend was adopted. Because of these things I wanted an open adoption when I adopted my son. Unfortunately, his birthmother initially wanted a closed adoption but then agreed to semiopen. I send her pictures and letters every month but I’ve only heard from her once. The hospital accidentally gave me all her identifying info. I have that put up for him when he decides to find her. I also found her myspace and Facebook pages and was able to download her profile pictures and put those up for him too. The only reason I worry about him wanting to find her is that he was a result of a one night stand while she was engaged to someone else. She hid her pregnancy from everyone and left the hospital a few hours after his birth without ever seeing him or holding him. She did not want her boyfriend to find out she was pregnant because as she said, “the dates would not match up and he would know I cheated.” I’m afraid that she will refuse to see him when he finds her because she will still be afraid to let out this secret. I’m afraid he will feel rejected by her. I’m afraid he will feel bad because she chose to keep a man rather than keep him. I know that this is his story and he has a right to know it though. I plan to tell him his story in age appropriate doses. I plan to let him know that I have all the info he needs to find her. I plan to tell him I will be behind him 100% no matter what he decides to do with that info.
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Wow wow wow wow.
Thank you for writing all of this.
I am an adoptive mom of an Ethiopian girl, and managed to (despite the rules of my agency) meet and get the address of her first mom. I have written her and she has written back. I have sent masses of pictures and she has sent back also a picture of her and my daughter’s half brother.
I’m trying to have an “open” adoption despite the distance.
Yes, I am fearful, my own insecurities, the “fantasy birth mother” who is seen like a fairy godmother type who no day to day mom could compete with…. but I will still nourish our relationship and encourage my daughter’s relationship with her because that’s what is best for my daughter. When I became a mom, it was no longer about me.
So thanks for reminding me that it’s my turn to write a letter and send pictures. Let me get right on that.
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That’s a tough situation and I’m glad you’re very sensitive to it.
Did she give you this information about the conception story or was it the agency? I’m not inclined to trust agencies. They tend to me extremely inaccurate historians when it comes to relaying information between triad members.
My Adoptive Parents were told by my agency that I was unwanted. My First Mother was a rape victim (that part was truthful) who chose adoption to “move on with her life” (that was untruthful). When I told them I wanted to reunite, they were scared about how she would treat me. Even if the story was truthful, that I was unwanted and a “painful reminder” (or whatever else scandelous thing was going on), what you have to remember is that times change and people change. Some day, even if she doesn’t want to know him, you’re absolutely right, it’s better for him to know than be kept from finding out.
As horrible as this sounds, for me it would have been better to know the truth “she gave you up because she wanted to be with her boyfriend” (or for me it was “she gave you up because the agency fear mongered her and had the hospital chemically restrain her upon my delivery”) than it would have been to be told the “she loved you so much she gave you away….” While I do not doubt that First Mothers love their children (I know mine loves me!), love is not why surrender happens. Surrender happens because of desperation, poverty, lack of education, fear, unpreparedness or unwillingness to parent, miscommunication, misinformation….and sometimes a mother’s love is used against her to convince her that it’s a “selfless” decision to choose not to parent because she’s not worthy. But love is the one thing that’s supposed to keep us together. Being told “love” is what made my mother give me up has erased the concept of “unconditional love” and “permenancy” from ever being a reality in my mind. It’s important that adoptees are told the truth and not what I call the “fluffy stuff.”
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Do adoptive parents realize just how strongly their attitude towards adoption, birth parents, search and reunion affect their children? Most people want to know family history and stories, as well as look at pictures of previous generations to trace features and see how they are connected to others. That is considered normal and healthy for people raised in their biological families.
In adoptive families, the questions are still there; the difference is whether answers are. When adoptive parents communicate fear or anxiety by their nonverbal body language, awkward silence or changing the subject, the child soon comes to believe there is something shameful about their origins. This often becomes a feeling that they are the ones at fault, like a young child often blames himself for his parents’ divorce.
Adopted people have two families, two mothers, two fathers – natural and nurturing. It’s not a contest, just simply the truth of the situation. Love is trust
As a child forms his own concept of himself, there are times when he needs answers; if none are there, he will invent some.
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Robert said a key word: “shame.”
I have Adoptive Parents who are financially, spiritually, emotionally and in every way possible wealthy. They are the picture of perfect parents. However, because they were so threatened by biology and who was a “real” parent or not, I felt so shameful. Shame is a very big emotion that adoptees have that they cannot label. This is why I am completely against closed adoption. The “unknown” breeds shame–a past that MUST be hidden.
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I have to admit that my fears might be bigger about that day IF I hadn’t had the privilege of meeting and getting to know my children’s birthmom. Having had that opportunity, I don’t have a ton of questions of my own about her and the situation surrounding the adoption. I believe this helps with future insecurities I might have had of “the unknown” (though this isn’t about me). I can’t say FOR SURE that I know exactly how I’ll respond when that time comes, but I plan to be more than willing to help them in their search for her. I hold a special place in my heart for their birthmom and look forward to seeing her again someday myself. Something I’ve had to learn over the years is that my security has to come from who I am in Christ, not from someone else, in this case, my children, or how they feel about me. I hope this frees my children up to ask the the quiet questions out loud and that they will know I support them. It’s not fair to saddle them with false guilt about how they are feeling. They shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not it will hurt my feelings if they want to talk about her or contact her. It is because of her that I am blessed with them. Like I said, it’s not about me. And when they want to contact her, it can’t be about me at that point either. Whatever path God takes my children down, I will trust that He knows best. And I’ll hold their hands on that path as long as He allows.
Thanks for the blog post. I’m still prayin’ God is blessin’ your socks off!
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Everyone has the right to know who they are and to know their biological families.No-one has the right to ask for another to give up those rights.Adoptees are the only minority group who suffer this way.
Those adopters of today who understand this and support their adopted children in gaining their rights will find they have the respect due to them.
I have experienced reunion and found a mother who had suffered all her life at my loss, as most mothers do.Fathers tend to be forgotten but an adoptee looses two families,often a culture and a country as well.
Reform has to happen and soon.
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With great joy and anticipation of being there with her when she is reunited with him (since we know her) and her half sibling and getting the answers she wants. I heard it said once that to support your child in this search is truly showing them how much you love them. I wouldn’t think of coming between any of my children and finding their birth family. But then again I’m on the open side of the fence and loving it.
I think it is wise of your friend to wait and not hurt his relationship with his mom. In time hopefully she’ll come around. I have a friend that waited until after her mom passed away to start searching because she knew it would hurt her too much. Now she has a relationship with her birthmom and brother.
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As a mother, my child is my world. My life as a parent began the day I adopted her and I have been as fully in love with and attached to her as though I’d given birth to her ever since. The adoption of my daughter began from a place of the deepest love and filled me with such completeness. To think of any force threatening this relationship that I hold most sacred is painful, scary, unimaginable. The birth mother bond is a very loaded topic on so many levels. I understand why this causes such adverse feelings for so many adoptive parents. It feels very personal as an adoptive mom, when truly I believe a search for birth family is not really about me.
I cannot forget that my daughter’s very need to be a part of my family began because of a deep loss in her life. Her human experience began as any other. Though very short lived, she was part of a family other than my own. This was her first family, they shared a bond that is not like any other in many ways. Although they were not able or chose not to keep this bond w/her, the connection she shares with them did not leave just because her family did.
Because I respect my daughter and her experience, and because I know how much I would also search for answers that only my birth family could give, I expect this to be a part of my daughter’s journey as well. And I am honestly sad that because she was born in China and we have no information re: her history, there is very little hope she will find those answers. I plan to fully support her need to seek in whatever way she can. I will be with her every step of the way, and will also try to understand the times when the journey cannot include me.
In my mind, so many of my daughter’s issues re: her birth family, adoption, being raised in a multi-racial home have very little to do with me personally. I love her. I am here for all of it– here to listen, here to support, and here to let her life unfold in just the way the is right for her. I am secure that the unconditional love and acceptance of my child that is required of me as a mom will be her solid base for the rest.
I agree with other posters re: therapy for your friend’s mom, her fears are about her, not her son. Therapy will be my plan when things get tough for me in my walk as a mom, too. 🙂
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In church a few years ago, a little girl in the pew in front of us looked at our baby and asked, “Who is her mom?” My husband pointed at me. The girl was obviously confused since we’re white, and our daughter is African American. My husband then said, “Actually, she has two mothers, and two fathers,” and then explained that we had adopted her. The little girl puzzled this over for a minute, and then said, “She’s really lucky. She has two families to love her!” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.
We have a very open relationship with our daughter’s biological family. I’m so grateful for that. Sadly, her mother passed away shortly after the adoption was finalized. While we have a great relationship with her family, none of us may ever be able to adequately answer our daughter’s questions. I am not really sure what to do about that, other than validate her emotions and concerns.
Our son’s mother requested that we have no contact with her at all; I worry about that for the sake of my son. I know one day he will have questions, and we won’t have the answers. That said, we will support him completely with any searching he wants to do.
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I can see after reading these heartwarming replies from such wonderful unselfish adoptive parents, that I seem to be the main one with the “attitude.”
I would, however, respectfully recommend that you ask your friend, before he stops his search, if he can live with the fact that waiting on the approval of his mom might lead to the sad situation of one of his biological parents/grandparents/siblings dying in the meantime. As such, he would have lost the opportunity to meet some members of his biological family waiting for his adoptive mother to grow up and be an adult. This might never happen. She might continue to be such a needy person that she never can allow her son to do what he, as a grown man, would like to do. As long as he can live with that possibility- fine, that is his choice. If he proceeds, he possibly risks losing his adoptive mom. If he doesn’t, he risks the possibility of death of one or more of his biological family. I would just encourage him to think through all options and possibilities. I would also encourage him to see a therapist to help him process this in a manner that is the best for his emotional health. It is a heavy burden to bear.
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We have meet our daughters birthmom. We have limited interction with the maternal birth family. There is no need for a search, however we do not have an open adoption. I know where they are, contact information etc..Birth mom stated she wanted an open adoption agreement in court however she relinqished her rights minutes before rights would have been terminated she did not follow through with an open adoption agreement. As a foster to adopt parent it makes me sad. I am also fearful of bio moms desire to have what I percieve as convenient engagment with my daughter.
Adoption is loss. My daughter wants to visit, call and know her birth family. My fear is more about their capcity to support her in adoption. However I still connect with them, for her. No matter how frustruated or scared I am.
There are so many great comments from this post.. you do not own your children.. I wish more parents could really grasp that children whether birth or adopted children are not personal property. They are indviduals with indivdual needs. Adoptive children will always have two if not many famalies. Adoptive children always have the right to know their history no matter how painful it may be.
Adoption is a special journey for the parent, get on your hiking boots!
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Well right or wrong, we took it into our own hands and started searching internationally for our son’s birth family. We felt like with that situation, time was of the essence. We have found many more painful questions than answers, but we have not given up. If we cannot locate them, we do have pictures of his village….where he was relinquished…people in the village, etc. Plus all the information regarding that place we can find and print. It’s not much when I know he will want the one thing we haven’t been able to find, but we know that it’s not about us. It’s about our precious son, and his need for something that only they provide. We just pray that he will see our love for him in what we are trying to accomplish, even if we find only silence.
He is only 4, but he knows that he has two families that love him. One here and one far away. We are very open in communicating with him, and he knows as much as we know now. It’s the best we can do.
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I will go with my son back to Ethiopia and try to find her with him. I wish we knew who she was. I wish we had answers for him. I wish we had an open adoption where I could write her letters. My heart aches for the answers he might want that I can’t give him. I hope we find her someday. I will never ever try to keep him to myself, because he is hers too, in some way.
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Our children who are adopted are young, but I am working hard to gather as much information as I can about their birth relatives so they can know who they are and where they came from and who they are connected to. I do not feel that my sons knowing this will take away from our relationship with them as their parents. I want to encourage them to know themselves fully. Secrets keep us sick and hurt everyone involved. I just saw a great movie this morning at the Cleveland International Film Festival that might interest those who read this blog. It’s called For the Life of Me by Jean Strauss (she is also an adoptee and adoption author). Learn more at http://www.jeanstrauss.com It follows elderly and middle aged adoptees trying to find information. It is very powerful and should be required viewing for all adoptive parents and those considering adoption. When we adopt our family grows by more than the people we adopt.
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I have thoroughly enjoyed reading all of the comments and the discourse about open adoption. My husband and I are just starting to venture into the world of adoption and have sent off our first application. We are pursuing an international adoption, but it is an open international adoption. At first thoughts, I have fears about what that will entail and how emotionally hard it might be for us, but I completely agree with the person who posted that it is not about us. We do not own even our biological children. We are just stewards and are put in this place to help direct and grow our children as well as we can and to provide a loving and supportive environment. How you can you have a loving and supportive environment if something as important and elemental as where you came from is untouched and frowned upon. It seems that closed adoption is based on fear, and fear can only breed unpleasantness.
Thanks for all the information to think about.
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Kevin, thank you for sharing my experience with your friend. I am so glad that I waited for my mother to give her blessing before embarking on my search for my birth-mother. My relationshing with her is so much more important than that with my b-mother. Having adopted in an era where closed adoption was the only way it was done, secrecy was not discouraged and no counselling was available to adoptive or birth-parents, my mother was not at all to blame for her insecurity. Her fear was not based on a selfish attitude, malice or spite, but ignorance. At the time of my adoption, no one knew the psychological damage done to the adoptee by keeping everything secret. They believed that by keeping everything secret they were protecting the adoptee from the scandal of illegitimacy that was prevalent at the time. Your friend is a few years younger than I am, so I guess the “conspirac of silence” applies to him too. His mom just needs time to understand his needs and to come to terms with her insecurity. Prayer will achieve this. I know because it happened to me. My mother eventually not only gave her blessing, but actually initiated the search for me, which spoke volumes of her love for me. God knows your friend’s needs and his mother’s. He will answer their prayers in His way, and in His time, as He did with me, and the solution will be absolutely perfect – win-win for everyone.
God bless
Aurette
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