At the base of the large mountain I stand and look up. Today the mountain seems so large that I can’t see the top. It appears the peak of the mountain disappears in to the clouds. I wonder if today is the day I will begin my ascent. There have been many days I have picked up my foot to begin this journey but failed to move forward. I am exhausted before the journey begins and I am hopeful the energy that I will need to complete my trek will catch up with me once I move forward.
Last year I completed the climb up this mountain’s twin. It began when I set out to find my birth/first mother. It began on October 24th, and within two hours an adoption angel was able to locate my birth/first mother. While sitting on the bleachers at the local high school football game I was told over my IPhone my birth/first mother died in 2003. I had suspected this was a possibility, but to hear the answers I was looking for died six years before I got there was heartbreaking.
The adventure was an amazing trip and I was able to connect with a sister, a brother, my birth/first mother’s best friend, an aunt and uncle, several cousins and two nieces. It was such an emotional trip that happened so fast that I just needed time to absorb all the emotions that ran through my head and veins.
Thankfully, my new family has been very respectful and given me the space I needed to re-energize. The exhaustion blended with guilt has led to more exhaustion. I feel guilty because I haven’t jumped right in to a family that has welcomed me with warm hugs, and great stories about my birth/first mother. It was nothing personal towards them. Everyone I met was great, but my system was overloaded. By the end of the year, my head was smoking, my motherboard was fried and I needed to sit and just be still.
Now I stand wondering if I can climb another mountain. At the top sits my birth/first father. I have little to no information on him making the search via an adoption angel impossible. There is just not enough information to find him. I have his name which I am not sure is correct. He had several children before I was born and he was married to someone other than my birth/first mother at the time of my birth. According to what tiny information I have been given, he would be about 82 or 83 years old now. The Las Vegas odds that he is still circulating oxygen through his lungs are long at best.
Logically, I know if he is still alive, his clock is slowing with each passing day. It is because of this realization that I must pick up my foot and move forward. The climb up this mountain starts with one step that I have to take now. I will begin the climb and sort out the emotions later.
Since my information is so limited, I have only one option. I must contact the courts in Wayne County Michigan where I was born and petition for a court appointed intermediary. The court then assigns a court intermediary (CI) who will conduct the search after I forward $300.00 to the court.
The CI will then be given access to my adoption file. This stranger who has no connection to my family will then open up the file, that is closed to me, and be able to verify my birth/first father’s name and begin a search. If alive, they will contact my birth/first father and inquire if he is interested in connecting. If he says no, my journey ends before I make it to the first plateau. If he is not alive, they will seek out other relatives and see if they are interested in meeting. Again, if they say no, the adventure stalls shortly after it begins.
If they agree to meet, the CI orchestrates a meeting. Then the steepest part of the climb begins. Although, I don’t have much control in the process I am excited about the possibilities. The thought of meeting my birth/first father is very exciting. If he has passed away, the thought of meeting my brothers and/or sisters is also exciting. The thought that he may have shared something about this time in his life with someone is exciting too.
My boots are tied tightly, my walking stick is in my left hand, and I am picking up my right foot. Shortly, I will painfully pay the $300.00 to begin my climb, hoping those quiet questions that bounce around in my head will soon be attached to awesome answers.
For those who have joined recently, I have a series of posts that detail my search for my birth mother last fall. If you look to the right under PAST BLOG POST click on “Searching for my birth mom.” These are some of my best posts.