A few weeks ago, I contacted one of the leading minds in the field of transracial adoption, Dr. John Raible and sent him a copy of my book. To my surprise he quickly read my book and took the time to write a review. Below is his very comprehensive review.
For those who have read the book I would be interested to get your thoughts and input. For those who have not yet the book, do you feel your wants and needs have been accurately portrayed? In my quest to learn more and provide the adoption community with my assistance I would be interested to hear how I can further grow and provide the help needed.
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DR. JOHN RAIBLE’S REVIEW
Parents looking for an accessible, easy to read memoir written by an
outwardly happy transracial adoptee will heave sighs of relief when
they get to the last page of Kevin Hofmann’s entertaining memoir. Some
readers will appreciate being left with a message that rhapsodizes
over multiracial families and Obama’s election, signaling for the
author the ways our society has advanced since the turbulent days of
racial strife during the 1960s.
As an educator who works with families formed through transracial
adoption, I am always on the lookout for new resources that will help
parents to appreciate the depth and severity of race and adoption
issues. The best first-person narratives, in my opinion, are those by
adoptees who have lived the experience AND who are healed and mature
enough as individuals to be trusted to reflect on their experience
from a place of honesty, intelligence, and introspection. These
adoptee narratives are most helpful when the authors are able to move
back and forth between their lived experience and the larger social
and psychological issues presented by race and adoption, helping make
connections for the reader between perspectives common, say, in the
African American community, among the white adoption community, among
adoptees both transracial and same race, and so on. Just because one
happens to be a transracial adoptee does not make one an expert in
race or adoption.
In other words, I seek educational resources that are multi-layered
and nuanced, and that come at race and adoption from multiple angles.
To be able to do all that, the authors must be gifted and
knowledgeable writers who have given much thought to their own
experience AND who have done their homework, i.e., read other memoirs
and become familiar with available resources, including the research
literature and films on transracial adoption already in existence.
Hofmann’s memoir is a valiant first attempt to put some of these
pieces together, but it will become clear to readers that he still has
much to learn, about adoption, about race, and about their
intersections. Perhaps it is unfair of me to apply this standard to
Hofmann’s book. It is his personal memoir, after all, and not a how-to
manual on transracial parenting.
What I like about his book is his skill at providing vivid pictures to
convey incidents from his childhood and adolescence. Interspersed with
these graphically written and sometimes amusing scenes are snippets of
ugly racial incidents, occurring both inside and outside the family
home. For example, Hofmann discloses how his white adoptive brothers
would resort to using the N-word when sibling rivalry reared its head.
Even in college, the author and his brother came to blows during the
heat of an argument, after his brother started to call him a “nigger.”
Yet, apparently, such insensitivity rolled off the author’s back like
water. In a reflective moment, Hofmann writes, “My racial maturity
also allows me to see less color more and more” (p. 77).
Another strength of the book is the positive message the author
dispenses about family loyalty, protecting each other, and the role of
his strong spiritual faith. At the same time, these very strengths
turn into liabilities when they are not examined critically. For
example, while it is laudable that his parents tried to shield their
children from the ugliness of racism, it is not necessarily helpful
for parents to avoid talking openly about racism when it happens to
different family members. Similarly, while spirituality can play an
important function in the lives of individuals facing enormous
challenges, clinging to a purely spiritual explanation for traumatic
life events and their aftermath can bolster denial and thwart genuine
recovery and healing.
In terms of transracial parenting advice, Hofmann provides very little
in the way of concrete suggestions. Rather, the author states, “If I
was given the chance to start over in life, I would choose to change…
NOTHING. The love that I have received from my parents is
overwhelming” (p. 166). Hofmann’s loyalty to his adoptive parents
comes through loud and clear. His memoir reads as a moving tribute to
them, as a paean to the sacrifices they made as parents, and less as
an insightful account of his inner struggles as a transracial adoptee.
The indebted son writes, “Hearing story after story of how unjustly
our family was treated again humbles me. In my head I wonder if their
extreme decision to adopt me was too costly… I am grateful but I am
not sure if I am worth the high price they paid” (p. 100). Readers
looking for actual advice may wonder what perhaps more critical
perceptions and insights the author chose to omit in order to maintain
the façade of filial loyalty and devotion.
Adopted by a minister’s family in the late 1960s, the author makes
clear the primacy of his family’s faith in making sense of his
adoption epic: “On that November afternoon, God places me in the arms
of the family that he chooses just for me. Getting others to agree on
God’s placement would also be insurmountable” (p. 12). In so saying,
the memoir pits Hofmann and God against the callous bigots. It goes on
to relate numerous disturbing anecdotes about the high price Hofmann’s
parents paid for their decision to adopt a biracial child, including
loss of employment opportunities and facing racial prejudice among
members of the pastor’s congregation.
Placing religion front and center in its analysis of transracial
adoption, the book’s opening chapter declares, “It is my belief that
each adoptee is divinely matched and placed with their adoptive family
[sic]. As my parents continued to tell me the story of how I arrived
in their care, this belief is confirmed” (p. 6). For the author, it
must be reassuring to know beyond question that fate, one’s parents,
and God all conspired to create what Hofmann repeatedly refers to as
his “extraordinary” life story and outcome. Yet superimposing his
adoptive parents’ narration of the transracial adoption experience
seems to silence his own voice as an adoptee, who ends up sounding as
if he is merely parroting the parental perspective instilled in him as
one lucky and “blessed” adopted child.
Every now and again, small gems appear that hint at what was missing
in the author’s transracial upbringing. But Hofmann does not pursue
them further to see where they might lead. Nor does he dare to suggest
what his parents might have done differently, which could be a boon to
today’s adoptive parents. Instead, Hofmann takes the safe route, which
is forgivable, given that adoptees who do write critically of their
experience often pay a high price for their candor, for example,
incurring the wrath of or even disownment by disgruntled family
members. For instance, in describing the differences he observed when
he was invited to dinner at a black schoolmate’s house, Hofmann quips,
“Faulting my parents for not going to school to learn how to cook like
a black woman from the south is not a thought that invades my head.
Yet what I lack culturally, although it is no one’s fault, does create
a small void in me” (p. 88). And without much further elaboration—and
without pointing any fingers—he writes, “The loss of culture is one of
the things I grieve as a result of being adopted” (p. 90).
Even so, Hofmann makes much of the fact that he feels he learned a lot
from his black peers while his adoptive family lived in a mostly
African American neighborhood—before they moved to a predominantly
white one. The message for parents contemplating where to live and
raise their transracial children is hardly supportive. By describing
several scary and dramatic moments, such as home break-ins and a
purse-snatching incident in their black neighborhood, Hofmann
undercuts the message from anti-racist adoption advocates that
encourage parents to move to more integrated neighborhoods, rather
than away from communities of color.
He paints a convincing portrait of the personal challenges of being
one of the few black students off at college, and of his emotional
struggles around interracial dating, which he decides poignantly is
simply too difficult. When he falls in love with a black woman who
later became his wife, we don’t hear reports on how he integrated his
wife and in-laws into his white adoptive family, or how he navigated
the cultural clashes that surely erupted between his upbringing and
the cultural expectations on his wife’s African American side of the
family.
The closest we get to honest self-analysis of how the author navigates
race and adoption issues comes in the book’s final chapter, entitled
“Extraordinary Results.” Finally, Hofmann begins to explore his
feelings around being adopted, mostly by considering the impact of
adoption on his self-esteem. He describes happening upon a radio talk
show on adoption in the car one day, and how, at first, he dismissed
the on-air expert’s claim that adoptees struggle with rejection and
self-esteem. But the more he thought about it, Hofmann says, “I had to
wrestle with the idea that I may have those issues. To this point, I
liked the idea that I was basically unaffected by the adoption process
and came through this crazy experience with no issues or scars” (p.
160).
It seems striking that calling adoption a “crazy experience” did not
lead to further introspection or explanation. That this admission
comes so late in the text—with only three and a half pages left until
the book’s end—leaves readers wanting more: a deeper analysis, say,
and more self-reflection, more connections to other adoptees’
experiences, and to what the research literature says about
transracial adoption. What made adoption seem so “crazy?” Why did
Hofmann insist on denying that adoption might have scarred him until
he was well into his forties? How does he think about that
possibility, now that he admits that he “might have issues”?
In terms of exploring his adoption issues further, Hofmann does offer
this insight: “The feeling of rejection manifested itself over and
over again. My mind told me I was not good enough so whenever
greatness was possible I quit… Being my own enemy, there is no way to
win. This has continued as I have tried several businesses that never
made it” (p. 162). This powerful admission is probably not what
Hofmann means by an “extraordinary result.” By the end of the memoir,
readers are left with a frustratingly incomplete portrait of a
middle-aged biracial man who professes gratitude for having been
placed, in his view, by God with a white adoptive family, and who,
although he endured some racism as a child and at college, is
nevertheless thankful for the experience.
Adoptive parents who have grown weary of the critical analysis and
insistent calls for adoption reform emanating from more political
adoptee voices will no doubt welcome this book as a breath of fresh
air. So will parents who resist the advice to move their transracial
families to integrated neighborhoods, schools, and houses of worship.
For readers such as these who remain in denial, the good news is that
there is no finger pointing or blaming, no whining, no accusations of
racism, no exposé of their privilege or their limitations as white
parents.
In the end, Hofmann’s memoir comfortably allows Pollyanna readers to
remain smug in their denial of difficult issues, and complacent in
their avoidance of white parental responsibilities when raising
children of color in a still-racist society. As a memoir, the book is
compelling, and at times entertaining. But as a roadmap of what NOT to
do, and how to be a more responsible transracial adoptive parent, this
book will leave readers in the dark. I came away deeply disappointed
that the author provided no real advice to parents about how to take
their responsibilities more personally and seriously.
Dr. John Raible
(http://johnraible.wordpress.com/)
*****
Kevin, I applaud your openness, honesty and courage in sharing this review. I am please he took the time to read your book and share his views. I think he makes some valid points and I think there is much in his review to explore and consider. I also think your book is wonderful and will be helpful for adoptive parents despite the review suggesting otherwise. The bottom line is that it is YOUR story and you wrote it as a story not a textbook or research paper. The fact that you put yourself ‘out there” in that way is to be commended. I honestly think this is only the beginning for you and your work and if the goal of your next book is to be more of a “to do” book, then this review gives a lot of food for thought. Thanks for sharing, once again!
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I have not read your book, but I have read through your blog.
Thank you for taking the time to process and share your personal experience with adoption and growing up with white parents. I have enjoyed learning about it, and have appreciated the things you have written about. I am sorry that Dr. Raible finds it so offensive that your experience is different from his, and that you believe in God and are thankful for the way your life turned out because you know that He had a hand in it. I hope that you will continue to explore your experiences for what they were, from your unique God-given perspective. If you have things to work out (as Dr. Raible insists), I hope you are able to do so, but please don’t feel compelled to create angst at the behest of others. If his burdens are not your burdens then leave them be.
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I personally love your writing. You have given me a lot of things to think about and lots of good advice. You have every right to tell your life story the way you see fit. You wrote your memoir. You did not write a “how to” transracial adoption book. Dr. Raible is certainly entitled to his opinion. He is one person but you have many people who love you and support you. Keep our voices in your head, not his!
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Kevin, I just finished reading your book two days ago and loved it! As the mother of a transracial adoptive family, I appreciated your candor and honesty in sharing your personal story. To echo others; thank you for that! I admit to having no expectations when I first picked up your book, but I found it interesting as well as thought-provoking. Dr. Raible may have some valid points, however, I think his expectations in reading were, as he admitted, quite a bit different than the “average” adoptive parent. Although it’s true that you didn’t offer advice to adoptive parents, at the same time, your experiences did cause me to stop and think about my own family and how I might handle similar situations. I greatly enjoyed and appreciated your memoir and am now encouraging my husband to make it his next read!
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Kevin I’m glad you felt comfortable to post this review… that says a lot. Clearly Dr Raible has not had the priviledge of reading your Blog… Thanks to you I would never lable myself a “Pollyanna reader smug in my denial of difficult issues, and complacent in my avoidance of white parental responsibilities when raising children of color in a still-racist society.” Come read MY BLOG Dr. Raible and see how I’ve grown thanks to in large part to Mr. Hoffman!
But he was reviewing JUST your book, So I’ll back down a bit.
I can’t help but think writing your book was a stepping stone in the process that brought you to a place in your life where you stopped pulling the punches with us “Pollyanna Mommies” and started to help us stretch and grow with grace and love… I think you knew we needed to hear the tough stuff, but you had the tack to recognize we could be an insecure bunch as well. I’ll always appreciate and respect you for that. Having just brought home my child, and trying to navigate being a new transracial family the lessons you taught me came at the perfect time in the perfect manner.
Ironically I found your book to be a good companion to your blog instead of your blog being a companion to your book. Where Dr Raible found short commings in your book you had already begun to explore in great detail through your blog.. so perhaps you SHOULD write another book… I’d be worth reading for sure!
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I like that in his review he says “first attempt” and that he was left wanting more. I look forward to reading your book but also hope that you do write more addressing some of the things he wanted your perspective on. I think those feelings he expressed in his review can only be positive in that he appreciated your voice and liked your writing, but wanted to go deeper. Congrats on the book and hope you keep writing!
( mama to three homegrown and one Ethiopian)
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Kevin,
I would like to start out by saying…you are an amazing and generous person. You are a person who is mature and honest…who has integrity and grit. Your courage and humbleness is something that all of us should strive for in our lives.
Your book is your story and your experience and as you embark on this journey of sharing yourself with the world, there will be many people who will not agree with your message. Or their experience may be so different from yours, that they will not immediately hear your message (or want to hear your message).
Keep your spirits high, and remember that you are doing amazing work!
-Adam
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Kevin
You know what this means, right? It means you need to write a second book LOL!
I haven’t read your book yet as I am the ultimate procrastinator, however, in corresponding with you, I haven’t gotten that at all. You have been an outspoken advocate of encouraging parents to raise children of color in such an environment. I don’t get the impression of your being in denial, but more of someone who is trying to help parents without shoving it down their throat- unlike me (again LOL)
I would even say that perhaps having a more nonjudgemental book might lead adoptive parents to remain involved with your blog and learn even more.
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Dr. Raible, I am deeply disappointed in your review of Kevin Hofmann’s book, “Growing Up Black in White.” You made many assumptions of the author and the reader which were inaccurate. Pity that you claim to be an expert in the transracial adoptive field. After reading your nasty review, I’m making an assumption about you, that you are a well-educated white man with an overdeveloped ego. You can take back your pompous, self-serving critique and put it in the trash. Clearly, you are only focused on displaying yourself as an expert. Unfortunately, you truly missed the mark.
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Dr. Raible is known for bashing anyone whose experience of adoption differs from his, or anyone who is not negative or does not only focuses on “issues” all the time. You are awesome and I can’t wait to read your book!
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Judy
You are actually guilty of the same thing you accused Dr. Raible of- making judgements about him. Just because he made judgements about Kevin- so how can you justify that?
Dr. Raible is a biracial transracial adoptee himself, in addition to being an educated professional in the field.
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MA said:
“You are actually guilty of the same thing you accused Dr. Raible of- making judgments about him. Just because he made judgments about Kevin- so how can you justify that?”
I think that was Judy’s point, MA. She was saying that a person may make those assumptions about Dr. Raible based on this review.
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I also applaud Mr. Hofmann’s decision to post this. And I appreciate that he solicited a review from someone he must have known would be a tough critic.
To those of you who are offended by Dr. Raible’s review, I want to say that I think it is important that we honor the voices of all adoptees. Dr. Raible has good reasons for feeling the way he feels and seeing the world as he does; so does Mr. Hofmann. Both views are valid and important. I choose to honor both.
Where I hope this conversation is NOT headed is toward a casting of Mr. Hofmann as “good/loyal adoptee” vs. Dr. Raible as “angry/ungrateful adoptee,” which is a destructive conversation that does nothing to help adoptees.
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I look forward to reading your book! I’m always intrigued by “reviews” of memoirs. Memoirs are “memories” or “reminiscences” and therefore, are they to be critiqued? Interesting. I, too, am an adoptee from a large transracial family and now the proud parent of multi-ethnic adopted children through adoption. I have commented frequently on people’s blogs and am frequently criticized for being “happy and grateful” for my adoption from an orphanage. It’s just MY story…MY feelings. Interesting that when I express them they are negated by the very people who say their feelings of frustration and resentment surrounding their adoptions are not listened to. I would never tell them they are “ignorant” or “polyanna” or “brainwashed” (all terms I’ve been called. Anyway…thank you for your thoughts on paper. Warmly, Jennifer
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Jennifer – have you considered starting your own blog? You ahve an interesting perspective as an adoptee and adoptive parent.
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Jennifer,
Having been recently attacked on another blog for pointing out that there is a problem in our society when we can’t yet just accept families for who they are, etc., etc., it is refreshing to read about your family and your unique experience, and it has been refreshing to read Mr. Hofmann’s blogs as well. I celebrate your multi-ethnic family and applaud you and so many others for boldly stepping forward in growing such a family. As a caucasion family who has biological, adopted, and foster children, we were afraid of the backlash we would receive if we pursued the adoption of any child who didn’t look like us, so we backed away and have adopted only children who are caucasion, but I am very thankful that there are people who can stand up to the criticism and succeed in creating life-long bonds with their children in spite of the negativity.
Catherine
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Kevin,
Thank you for putting your story down on paper. It was your vantage point of your own life … and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I am not sure why someone would read it with such a critical eye as Dr. Raible. To address his review, I’d like to share a short story from our family. I am a white aunt of two small black children. When my sister and brother-in-law were given the details on the first, there was a real possibility she would have lifelong health issues. After much soul searching, they decided to bring this newborn into their heart and home, because after all – adoption should be about a child needing a family not so much about the parents needing a “healthy child.” Maybe that sounds pollyanna to Dr. Raible, but it is reality in our family. Her parents lovingly worked and massaged her tight muscles many times every day for years. Despite walking late, her health and mobility is perfect now, seven years later. In fact, she is quite an athlete. Her parents have tried reaching out to her birthmother, through the agency, but she has not responded. The younger child has a full and open adoption with his birthmother. (So, they like me – an adoptive mom also with an open adoption – are well versed in the adoption reform movement and are in support of it.) These adoptive parents are not perfect or angels, they are just trying to to raise their kids to be happy, healthy, well-rounded and educated … just as any parent. They are not color-blind or in denial as he suggests. They openly discuss race – and address racism when it happens. (And it has.) I think Dr. Raible maybe reviewed it with such a critical eye to really give a blanket criticism of those who, with open eyes and lovingly, adopt transracially … and that is really disappointing.
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Kevin, I still haven’t purchased the book as I have to wait until late August to be able to afford to buy anything. But I’m not happy with the review. I’ve heard different studies and panels and read blogs and reviews on transracial adoption. From what I’ve seen, the actual adoptees usually seem to be well adjusted and happy. But the “experts” don’t seem to like that response. If an adoptee is not more controversial or unsatisfied, they are labelled as being naive or not introspective enough. Who more than an adoptee knows their own story? Who can say what their journey was better than them? So what if your book lets us breathe a sigh of relief? Why does everyone want us to be miserable and feel like nothing we do is ever enough? People are different and they react to adoption differently – transracial or not. Some feel a deep desire to seek out biological parents and some do not. Does that mean that one group is deeper or more developed than another? I don’t think so.
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I agree that Dr. Raible comes off as pompous, & it sounds like he’s the one who has issues. Kevin, you come off as down-to -earth & really nice, & your writing is really good. And you get it that not everything is about race. I can’t wait to read your book. Have you thought about being a pastor? I hope I do as good a job with my adopted black daughter as your parents did with you.
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Kevin
While the review was not as good as I thought it would be I for one recognized every word in your book and was amazed at how you poured out your heart just with the few things you had learned not only from your adopted family but those of us who consider you are also one of ours. I thank you for the book, it was very enjoyable reading and as far as I can see you told the truth as you lived it. I commend you and love you for that
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Kevin,
I applaud you for sending your book to him and asking for his feedback. I think that you demonstrate great humility in doing so. I also think that your posting about what you didn’t post demonstrates your point of view about what you didn’t post, so point taken. I completely understand that. It’s hard to hear this about our own work- I’m an artist of sorts- a music professional, but a music professor, so I get it. And I understand this kind of criticism, but I think that often times it’s necessary to have differing opinions and healthy debate to make progress. I, personally, like to hear different opinions of things even if I don’t agree with all of them, so his review was interesting to me. However, it told me more about him and his experience than it did about your book. That said, what I found interesting about the review was this sentence at the very end, “I came away deeply disappointed that the author provided no real advice to parents about how to take their responsibilities more personally and seriously.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was under the impression that your book was a memoir and not a ‘parental advice’ book. It’s possible that he had a different hat on when reading and misunderstood the purpose of the book in the first place, hence the angle of the review.
Keep on doing what you’re doing. I think it’s important to hear as many different stories from as many different adoptees as possible. I know my kids (three- all adopted from Ghana) will look to you as inspiration as they grow up- I do. There’s nothing wrong with the “Pollyanna” stories. Hope is not a bad thing. Positive anecdotes never hurt people.
Cheers,
Sarah
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Wow, I just finished your book. I can say it has been years since I started reading a book and could not put it down until I finished it! If the Dr. wanted something clinical then yes he has the right to be disappointed. Your book is so honest and humbling. You made several points and added humor. As life is, we learn our lessons and hopefully can laugh about some of them later! Your parents, I am amazed, they accepted their roll in life and did it with honors! I know no ones parents are perfect but gee, they set the standards high!
I had to struggle with the beginning, opening old wounds, not sure if I wanted to go farther, but I did and it is an eye opener for me, who is white with a Hispanic husband and two adopted black girls with a large extended family and more foster children). I wanted our rainbow to always be just that, and the outside world will not let us be. I have to bite my tongue sometimes when well meaning people say “they are so lucky to have you”. I did not adopt my girls to rescue them, I did it because I love them.
I, for one will rave about your book to anyone that will listen!!! Awesome writing. See you minored in English for a reason!
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I respect your work and I respect Dr. Raible’s work. I don’t like when people try to pit adoptee against adoptee.
Book reviews are not always pleasant for the author to read. Book reviews are, by their nature, critical ~ as in, criticism. That said, yes, it can be extremely hard to read what you had to. Creative people need criticism, no doubt. (Because creative people have to learn and grow to be better at their craft!) But they also need encouragement. I seemed to read encouragement in there. But hey, it still doesn’t feel good, especially if we don’t agree with the criticism.
I really respect you for you stance on not getting into the whole adoptee vs. adoptee thing. And for continuing to share your unique perspective. It is important to the adoptee community that we acknowledge all our voices. And that we also acknowledge that all our views are mutlifaceted and can evolve over time.
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I recently found this blog through another adoptive mom. I have not read your book yet, but plan to. I just want to encourage you and thank you for clearly giving God His place in your story. Our prayer is that our son will find his identity in Christ first, and the rest will fall into place. I am sure that this book reviewer is an expert in adoption, but sadly, he doesn’t know that power of our Lord.
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“while spirituality can play an
important function in the lives of individuals facing enormous
challenges, clinging to a purely spiritual explanation for traumatic
life events and their aftermath can bolster denial and thwart genuine
recovery and healing.”
Had to agree with this. I often find all the ‘godness’ tiring and a cop out. I know its your view, but for those of us that are not religious, its destracting to read after a while.
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You know what you never hear. A person of faith say, “your lack of spirituality is a distraction to me.”
I don’t apologize for my spirituality nor is it a cop out. I am very aware of the events and their affects in and on my life.
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Although I 100% agree with the need to raise a child in their own racial group- regardless of how much trouble it is for the parents- so I understand how some of these faith based parents raising their kids in all white environments could be offensive.
Kevin’s parents, however, passed on not only a faith to help him through hard times, but access to his own culture. I think the combination is ideal. I think if people are offended by that… well it’s Kevin’s blog- he can write what he wants to.
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For someone of faith it is hard to understand how you can “recover and heal” with out God’s help. Do non-believers think they do it all on their own?
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“Do non-believers think they do it all on their own?”
Yes, but perhaps with other non-spiritual help.
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We may be getting off topic from Kevin’s blog post with the believers vs. non-believers. One interesting note though is that I attended a trans-racial adoption conference a couple of years ago and one of the studies found that transracial adoptees with a strong religious upbringing actually identified themselves more with their religion than with race. I found that interesting.
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@ Kristin
I think that is what I felt my job was, to give them the faith based foundation and all else would fall into its perspective place. Only my girls right now are early teen age and religion has fallen behind in their list of what is important, hopefully a phase only, but race is very much on their minds right now. I pray they do not wonder too far, or I’ll have to bring in the big guns!!! It is interesting and gives me comfort!!
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IMHO , it’s not valid to criticize someone else’s (ie Kevin’s) memoir (which, hello, is supposed to be a telling of HIS OWN experience) because it does not fit with one’s (ie Dr. Raible’s) experiences.
Imagine if Kevin had written a book that said his experience as a transracial adoptee was pure hell and someone else (even another transracial adoptee) said it wasn’t valid because s/he had a great experience? Wouldn’t we see that as offensive? I think we would. It’s no more valid, IMHO, for Dr. Raible to challenge Kevin’s account of his own experiences (for example by characterizing it as appealing to “pollyannas”, etc).
APs are often criticized for not wanting to hear the “tough stuff”. Seems Dr. Raible is just as resistant to hearing the “good stuff”.
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Dr. Raible was the Opening Speaker at an adoption conference my husband and I attended while we were still considering adoption. He was negative, uninspiring and seemed to enjoy attacking white couples for even thinking about adopting black babies. He might be considered an “expert” but his message is intentionally controversial and confrontational. I found him arrogant and deeply narcissist. We just arrived home from Ethiopia with our baby son who we have named Noah. I thank God we didn’t listen to Dr Raible that day and I hope you won’t either.
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Kevin, I loved your book and couldn’t stand the victim mindset of Raible’s book. You do not lack insight. You and Raible merely have very different personalities. Raible has a personality type that is intuitive and he reads people well, but he thinks everyone is out to get him (and all other transracial adoptees). You have an excellent mind for details and people and are very down to earth…and you naturally assume the best about people. I don’t think that you should give Raible a voice here, it is YOUR blog. Do you really think he would post your criticisms on HIS blog?
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Thanks Katie for the kind words. I went back and forth on posting this to my blog but in the end I want to be able to give a different perspective and I felt that was important for people to read. Although painful, a lot of what he said has merit and I learned a lot from his input. It was a humbling experience that caused me to grow. For that I am thankful.
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I know that you feel that way because you are easily able to see others’ perspectives. I just hope you realize that Raible has a blind spot when it comes to others’ perspectives and he did not really assess your perspective in the book other than to belittle and dismiss it. He did clearly and forcefully assert his own perspective, however, because that is what he does well. At any rate, I am glad you were able to find value in his critique.
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It took me awhile to get to this point and initially I was HOT. Over time I have come to realize that there are so few of us transracial adoptees that we have to make room for each other. It was important to me that I honored others regardless of what they did to me or said about me and I’m glad I did because it is so easy to turn on each other but I think we all can learn from each other and although it took me a while to sift through the anger I appreciate and respect his perspective although I may not agree with a lot that was said.
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