Several times I wrote this response in my head. Several times I was determined to address each one of John’s points with the precision of a surgeon and the power of an atomic blast. Often I would go to bed fantasizing about my rebuttal and how freeing it would be to respond in a way that would make me and my close friends and family feel better.
Then I reconsidered. John has some valid points and I feel his voice, as well as mine, is important to the adoption community. To sit at my computer and exchanged jabs back and forth would do no one any good. The temporary pleasure I would get out of it is not worth the fracturing of a community; a community that I feel needs to hear both voices.
I have learned a lot from this process and the growing pains that have come with it have been just that: painful. I have seen and been a part of the temptation to pit naïve, happy adoptees against bitter, angry adoptees and I will not contribute to that entertainment. Neither description is accurate or beneficial. We all have valuable experiences and powerful ways to express how we see and saw them and it is my belief we all want the same thing; to help parents and children who are going through what we did.
My evolution as an adoption professional continues and I am proud of the advances I have made in the year that I have been doing this. In the year, that has seemed like five, I am proud of the voice I have given to my experience, but I also am aware I am not done. To grow and change and become better and even more powerful is my goal. So I walk away from this experience thankful for what I have learned and am learning and better able to see there is so much more I need to do and say.
So I have put away my scalpel and my plastic explosives choosing to become bigger not smaller and I truly feel so many more will benefit from the different voices that are emerging in the adoption community. I am honored to be one of them and growing.
Kevin-
You are a class act. As always.
Any interesting and related post worth reading is here:
http://yoonsblur.blogspot.com/2010/08/outsider-among-outsiders.html
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Good for you, You are a better person than me my friend… I want to be able to learn from both camps, the “angry” and the “happy” because there are lessons to learn from both. My child has the right to feel either, or both as she grows up. Mommy can’t fix it so that she lives life without pain, but it might help if I better understood what kinds of pain she will uniquely experience.
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I have not read your book yet, I just clicked on your site through a friend’s facebook account. We are foster parents, plus we adopted 2 black girls (I can not call them African American because one will say “I did not come from Africa, I am American”. I am “white” and my husband “‘Mexican”. We have tried to keep color out of the equation and it worked while they were little, now in Jr high I notice one daughter having only black friends and when she is with me, at school or the store she walks away from me and does not interact with me unless she has to. I have not said anything to her because I don’t know what to say.
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Debbie,
Ignoring color doesn’t make it go away. It is imparative that you have a conversation with your child. They are aware they are different and they need to know that you also see them as a child of color and that they can talk to you about it.
This may be a just a phase she is going thru but it is great she has children who look like her to hang out with. Also how many teenagers like hanging out with their parents. Don’t wait for her to bring it up. As the parent you have to take the lead and there is no time like the present. Let me know how it goes
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class act for sure.
thank you for your voice.
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I admire your restraint. I read the review when you first posted it and was so irritated I thought it best I not comment. I just read it again and I still find his review irritating. 🙂
One key difference I see between the two of you is your paradigm–you find peace and comfort in a Sovereign God while Raible seems to scoff at such a belief as a limiting and denial-perpetuating coping mechanism. My irritation wanes as I now feel compassion and a greater understanding for his anger at being adopted–or any other event in his life that provides challenges. Without God, there is no room for peace, forgiveness, or joy as we experience the difficulties our lives offer.
I am sure you will continue to grow and learn along this journey, as we all grow and learn in our lives, and I look forward to hearing more of your insight. I do hope, however, that you don’t feel obligated to incorporate “finger pointing or blaming, whining, accusations of
racism, or an exposé of the privilege or the limitations of white parents” in order to satisfy Raible’s expectations. I also can’t help but wonder at the cynicism which sees “filial loyalty and devotion” as a FACADE which must be maintained.
It doesn’t seem to matter the subject–there are those who must whine and complain about the unfairness of their life experiences instead of accepting who they are and their life experiences, learning from them, and then moving on to enjoy a healthy and joyful life. Why do some find it necessary to wallow in misery–and then be angry when others refuse to remain in the muck with them?
As much as I disliked his review overall, he did raise some questions that I look forward to you addressing. An insightful analysis of your life experiences compared and contrasted to views held by other adoptees, adoptive parents, and members of both AA and C communities would be very interesting. Advice for transracial parenting is always welcomed. I do think it would be interesting to hear about the integration of your family and your wife’s family–but realize that might be of a personal nature and there is the privacy of others to consider.
I bought and read your book, Kevin, and found it worth my time and money. Contrary to Raible’s assessment that your book promotes a smug, complacent, Pollyanna perspective, I find your memoir provoking, revealing, and challenging as you address both the difficult issues inherent in transracial adoption and the responsibilities adoptive parents have to meet their children’s needs from your personal experiences. You effectively used a classic writer’s technique to educate transracial parents–SHOW me, don’t TELL me.
My one criticism of your book, if I may be so bold, is that you need a good proofreader and/or editor. I found it very distracting as you switched between present and past tense in your narration, and there were several grammatical and spelling/typographical errors. I will admit, however, that my parents and siblings have many times mockingly called me “Miss English”, so these issues may not bother other readers as they did me. 🙂 If you publish a second edition, I would be glad to provide this service as I sincerely appreciate you for sharing your heart and life with us adoptive parents.
Thank you for your desire to serve the transracial adoption community and light the way for parents and children alike as we navigate this challenging road. I pray you will learn from Raible’s review where needed and disregard that which need not be applied.
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Shonya,
Let me address the integration with my wife’s family.
There was no issues. I know that is a boring answer but it is my experience. One of the most frustrating pieces of John’s review was assuming all adoptees have isssues in the same areas. I did not explore the integration of the two families because there was nothing to explore. Our families got along and there were and are no issues. I guess I was fortunate in that respect. We are always shocked when people ask that question because I explained my background and upbringing and my wife and her family simply said, “OK.” The integration ended there. But the point that this may cause issues for some transracial adoptees is a valid one even though it was not my experience.
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Wow, thanks for addressing that so promptly! 🙂 I thought it might be a post ‘someday’. I am glad there were no issues. It’s something I have wondered about, when contemplating the future for my own children.
I think you have an excellent point–different people will have different issues, even as they have some things in common. Thank you for that reminder! 🙂
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Let me also address my faith.
This process has allowed me to really struggle with what its true and what is not. I woke up several nights thinking I had missed something and that maybe I was in denial and just unaware. Then clearly I heard, “the peace that passes all understanding.” I have often prayed for just that and through this struggle I could clearly see God has given me the peace that passes all understanding. To those who don’t know God it may look like denial. It is not. I am very aware of my experiences and the affects that have had on me and I sit here after all I have gone through with a God-given peace.
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Praise God! You are so right–it is God-given. Even though I’m not an adoptee, I have my own issues (don’t we all?! ha!) that God has worked through with me. To others who have experienced similar trials, and are suffering continued pain and dwell on the past, I may appear to just be in denial. But God is able to heal and give peace that man’s medicine, psychology and even self-reflection simply cannot provide. (Not that it makes it all go away–you and I know that–rather in Him, we can move on.)
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“It doesn’t seem to matter the subject–there are those who must whine and complain about the unfairness of their life experiences instead of accepting who they are and their life experiences, learning from them, and then moving on to enjoy a healthy and joyful life. Why do some find it necessary to wallow in misery–and then be angry when others refuse to remain in the muck with them?”
Amen, and thank you for stating it so effectively!
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Hi Kevin,
Here is another new book related to transracial adoption I’d love to hear your thoughts on.
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/brown-babies-pink-parents/11918311
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The author of the book is a good friend of mine. I am waiting for my copy and once I read it I will share my thoughts.
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Thank you for modeling a mature and considered response and for being willing to show us the process of getting there. I agree that an ongoing dialogue with all voices and perspectives is what is truly in the best interest of all children. I was challenged again at NACAC to explore how MY experiences and views are not the same as others – even though we may have similar families. Each person is unique AND we CAN learn from trends and patterns and common issues – it’s both/and – not either/or. Thanks for taking the high road.
Karen
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I appreciate your comment.
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I respect your restraint. I have not yet read your book, and Dr. Raible’s review was the first post I read on your blog. I found it discouraging, particularly in the way he discounted your faith. I appreciate your perspective and look forward to reading your book. Thank you for being open about your experiences!
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Hi Kevin,
I was waiting for your response and as usual, job well-done. I don’t know any “professional” that would have parenting broken down into bullet point of dos and don’ts. You wrote about your life, it’s beauty and it’s struggles. No one is more an expert on that than yourself.
Once again, I appreciated your frankness and the willingness to share.
God bless you,
Carolyne
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Reading the comments I do not understand how people can simply assign labels to adoptees as “happy” or “angry”. How can it really be that easy and simple to divide millions and millions of adoptees into two neat tidy camps? Frankly I find it disturbing that people can be that rigid.
I truly struggle to understand the mindset and have come to believe that people seem to base that label on the views an adoptee has on “adoption as it is practiced today and was practiced in our lifetimes” which is completely separate and unique to how they may view their lives as a whole but people never seem to understand the distinction and that makes me sad.
As to the review, Dr. Raible is a frank speaker and comes to the table with his own views – much like you the author of the book has also done. Neither view point is right or wrong all the time for every individual or the journey their life has taken, but I believe he also spoke from the heart to give an honest take on your book. From reading your posts I also know that you will take the parts that you agree with and learn from them because learning every day is part of the journey.
The first commentor linked Yoons Blur blog who truly speaks from the heart and provides food for thought with empathy for all on topics to really think critically about with an open mind and spirit.
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“I will not contribute to that entertainment”
This is salve to my soul, and I wish there was more of it in internet-adoption-land.
Everyone’s truth is truth, everyone’s experience is valid, and everyone deserves respect. There are most definitely injustices in adoption that we all have to work to resolve. If we could remember that, and respect one another’s point of view, we could do it.
Thanks for writing this.
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Your answer was very classy & mature, I don’t think I would have been that nice to him.
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Kevin,
I admire your response and your view of the world.
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