“Did you ever want a brother or sister growing up who looked like you?”
As a transracial adoptee, author and speaker, whenever I go speak and share my experiences growing up as a TRA I often get this question. My answer is very simple yet very layered so I hope that everyone can follow me.
“No.” This is usually the response I give and I often get puzzled looks and then I see the parents gently lean forward urging me to continue. So I gladly do and here is my complete response:
As an adoptee one of the issues I have always struggled with is my constant battle with rejection. No matter how or why, in the end my mother gave me away. It doesn’t matter whether it was the right decision for her or me, in the end the woman who gave birth to me chose not to keep me. With that decision came a feeling of not being good enough or not being wanted. Growing up I would feed the need to be accepted and liked by shoving spoonful after spoonful of attention in to my soul. I inhaled attention because it calmed and quieted the whispers that said, “No one likes you! You’re not worthy.”
Transracial adoption afforded me a great opportunity to get additional attention. I only had one other friend that was adopted so that made me very unique. I was the different one in the family and the attention that came with that whether good or bad still fed the whispers. To have another child of color in my family would have been like inviting in a thief into my den of treasure. Another child would mean I would have to split the attention…IN HALF! Nope, not something I was interested in doing.
I answered the question as it is asked. “Do you…” But typically, I know parents want to know if I think this is a good idea FOR THEM. There were several times I would answer that question as it applied to me and never understood I missed an opportunity to address an important issue. So now I answer personally and more globally.
The parents really want to know if adopting another child that looks like their transracially adopted child will help the children so they don’t always have to be the only one all the time. The thought is that having another child of color to walk with them will give them someone to share this like experience with. The children have someone to talk to about what they are going through and feeling.
Yes, it could!
Here’s the important issue that I now address. Children take their lead from their parents. If the parents don’t openly talk about adoption and issues of race it sends a message to the kids these are issues we don’t talk about. I know a transracial adoptee that was adopted with their twin and since the parents never talked about adoption, race, or the conflicting messages and issues that come with those, the twins never talked about it either.
These issues must be discussed openly as a family sending the message to the whole family that they are issues that can be openly talked about. I think creating an open and honest environment in the home provides the right soil for confident children to grow.
In the end, it depends on the personality of the child. Some may find comfort in having someone else like them in the family, some may not.
Lastly, expanding the family while ignoring the need to address key issues will only magnify the issues that are there. If the decision is made to expand the family, it must be made in conjunction with creating an open environment to discuss the issues transracial families must address.
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Wow. So I have never thought about it (having one “better than” two) from this perspective. Now I am wondering about how the birth of my donor assisted biracial son three years after the open transracial adoption of my Black son preserves and threatens his uniqueness simultaneously? Preserves=he is the only Black child, only adopted child, and my first born. Threatens=his brother gets lots of [unwanted by him]attention for being “unusual looking” (blonde tight curly hair), gets the “well he is your younger brother…”treatment from me (but I realize you are not addressing birth order you are addressing adoption of a second or not). I often wonder into the future how one might “open doors” related to (my perceptions of Blackness/race) for the other and vica versa? Love all the thinking you continually inspire here.
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Kevin,
Do you think it would of made you feel any different if “someone” had said your mom can’t keep you because……. and taken away the knowledge that she gave you away? You talk a lot about the fact that she “gave you away” and how that has traumatized you. Just wondering, because my girls were removed by CPS and terminated parental rights. They met their bio-mom, by accident, and have only contempt for her. I have always said “she has an addiction, she tried to over come it and get better but she could not do it”. I have never said anything in an ugly way, I just want them to know their risk of addiction if they even think about drugs or alcohol. I liked their mom, felt terrible for her when she lost all her kids, but thank God I got to adopt my girls. I thought maybe when they got older they would understand better, but hearing you as an adult it seems the pain is still great, then to add the transracial adoption part of it too….. Its good to know you function well and are helping others, but what about the ones that do not make it their life calling to help others. Do you have any statistics on people that had traumatic results from transracial adoption? Or came across any? We are adopting four more kids this year all Hispanic (my husband is Hispanic) and I think you are right about the wanting to be the only one like you. My daughter usually delights in being different (except when dealing with her friends at school and answering all their questions).
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Debi,
The “whys” behind the relinquishment are important and the more info you can give is better even if it isn’t the best story.
I have often wondered about the stats on transracial adoptees and have gotten mixed answers. I have heard we are no worse than typical children and I have heard the opposite that suicide is higher in TRAs but never seen proof of either.
Also, although they have contempt for their mother now doesn’t mean they always will. The info they have the better they can process with happened.
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Hi Kevin,
This is somewhat unrelated but I wanted your opinion. My husband and I are matched with an African American birth mom who is due in June. She wants a closed adoption so we will not be meeting her when the baby is born. Although I completely respect her decision, I struggle with the fact that we will have little information to share with our little girl about where she came from. I feel that now is the time to try to gather any information that we possibly can through our adoption agency. My question for you is, what do you wish you knew about your birth family now and when you were growing up?
Thank you for your posts, I love reading your blog!
Sarah
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Sarah,
I know you asked that question of Kevin, but I’m living with MAJOR regret at not asking questions of my daughter’s birth mom.
I had assumed we’d see her again since we both wanted an open adoption. Since we’d just met, I didn’t want to bombard her with intrusive questions.
Unfortunately she has dropped out of contact. So maybe you can learn from my hindsight:
– I would have asked for pictures of her family. We have one framed photo of our daughter in her birth mother’s arms in the hospital that is framed in her room. I know that our daughter has a bio sister – her BM showed us her photo – and I would give a body limb now to have a picture of her as well. Your potential child’s mom may be willing to give a family photo to the agency to give you.
– I would have asked if there was another family member that I could meet/know/exchange info with (though I never assumed we’d lose touch). Given that yours will be a closed adoption, I guess the likelihood of that for you is low, but it couldn’t hurt to ask.
– I would have asked her what her favorite meal was, what kind of cake she liked best, etc, so that on Mother’s Day, or our daughter’s birthday, we could prepare something that honored her birth mother.
– I did ask her what her favorite song was (“Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley) so we have that on our daughter’s playlist and we tell her whenever we hear it that it’s Mama A’s favorite song.
We had a few days to spend together before and after our daughter’s birth, so I can recognize mannerisms in our girl that are so clearly her mother’s. But the little things I listed above, I wish I knew. I never realized how sad it would make me to not know them.
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I agree whole-heartedly with Carlea. Whatever you can get however you can get it. Get it! All those ideas are precious little gems!
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I also just want to add that my son’s first mom wanted closed too, until the day my son was born. And then she changed her mind. So keep your heart open… I let her know, which I am sure you have been told, that if she ever changed her mind she could contact me.. Now seven years later, and we are planning a trip across the country to meet her and her extended family. (I spent a few days with her at the hospital, but she has many other members I am so looking forward to all of us meeting).
I love Carlea’s suggestion about asking if there is anyone else she might let you be in touch with. Many first mom’s are not familiar with all the ways this relationship can be designed. Many adoptive parents aren’t either..
Best to you and yours and her,
Mama C/Catherine
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I wrote a blog which explains my feelings on that called Little Gems. Just put “little gems” in the search box to the right and it will come up.
In a nut shell, the more info. the better, always tell the truth even if the info isn’t the best, and avoid templete answers like, “your mother couldn’t afford to raise you so she gave you away.” That never made any sense to me. I know plenty of families who can’t afford their kids but that still kept them.
I hope that helps.
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Wow, Kevin, thanks so much for this. Your posts are always so thought-provoking.
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Thanks for this post as it is something I struggle with daily when I look at my baby girl. Great to read a perspective I would not have thought of and to remind me that there are all types of outcomes. That is take a positive open environment to grow your child. Thanks
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Thanks Kevin- very interesting. We have adopted twice (TRA). We had discussed adopting twice before we completed our first adoption but we were not sure. We basically have DH’s two kids from his first marriage.
A few things that played into our decision to adopt a second time– other than we really enjoy being parents.
1. The bond between my two stepkids– through their parent’s divorce, dad’s re-marriage to me, all of it, they have each other. I know there is never a guarantee on how siblings will bond, but I think parents can play a part in facilitating bonds.
2. We were concerned about our first daughter being the only person in the entire family who is Chinese–not having another relative of the same ethnicity. Yes, we know that simply adopting another child from China doesn’t exactly provide the two girls with a mirrored image, but this was on our minds.
We still were not sure– what really tipped the scales in our discussions and decision was a conversation I had with one of the interns in my office– a young adult TRA. He initiated the conversation and told me if it was at all possible for us, we should adopt another child from China, that growing up as the only adopted person of color in the family really sucks.
Looking back now, I think this young man also lived in a family that did not really talk about adoption or race issues and as you mentioned, parents need to be open in discussion these topics with their child or children. We talk about adoption and racial issues quite a bit in our family.
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I have kids who are Chinese, Haitian, and just plain ol’ white bread bio…Honestly, I think the fact that they each have their own “slot” in the family dynamic is sweet for them. There are 3 adopted and only one bio, but he doesn’t seem to mind being the only. There is only ONE Chinese…there is only ONE Haitian boy…only ONE Haitian girl..only ONE bio…*grin* Someone once asked me if one of the kids wouldn’t feel sad because they didn’t look like their dad…I said, “well, our family isn’t about matching…or being the same…actually, I think it is our differences that unite us.” Each one of us is unique, and we all work to understand each other. I think I”m growing kids who are going to embrace a new generation that really does get things from other people’s perspective. I’m excited for that day! Seeing things from the other person’s shoes is step one in understanding and healing racial divides.
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I can only speak from our experience, which is 3 kids, 1 bio (oldest) and 2 adopted. When we adopted our youngest, who is the bio sib of our middle child, we were very glad that these two bio sibs would grow up together – and that has been a good thing for them both for the past 5 years – what we did not anticipate is how it would change the dynamics for our oldest. In a lot of ways, he is “odd man out” and I think has some of the attention seeking issues that Kevin talks about in terms of himself. I wish we had been better prepared to help him and more assertive/active in talking with him about all of that. I think we focused so much at the beginning on making sure our adopted children were doing ok that we didn’t always give the same attention to making sure our oldest was adjusting too.
That said, there was no question in my mind that we did the right thing when our middle child saw his younger brother for the first time in the hospital and said with a BIG smile on his face “He looks like me – he’s brown like I am.” Sort of like “you meant it” – some how adopting another child that looked like him made it “real” that we were not just playing around when we adopted him. Not sure that makes sense, but that’s the feeling I had the way he said it.
They have sobbed together about missing their first mom and their other bio sibs, they go to the barbershop together, they talk about the ways that they look alike/different and I think it is a very good thing they are being raised together.
And those are also the things my bio child misses out on by being the only bio/white child in our house.
There is no “right” family configuration. It’s going to be different for each child and each family – we all do the best we can and keep learning.
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At what age did it occur to you that you were “given up?” This is my husband’s worst nightmare – when our son who is now 3 will realize he was “given up.” Our son is African American and we are both white. We just adopted a baby girl who is bi-racial (African American and Puerto Rican). He is adjusting to sharing my lap, but not always happy about her presence, although he is affectionate toward his baby sister.
We adopted again for both the reasons you mention – for him to not be the only person of color in our family and to have a second child for ourselves. We were informed by our adoption agency that research shows racial identity is formed by 3-4 years, and that healthy racial identity comes not only from being exposed to one’s culture through info., events, and traditions, but also from being mirrored. Adoption and diversity have always and will remain openly discussed in our family so that’s a given.
My anxiety is about visiting with her birth family annually when my son will not have that opportunity as his birth mother chose a closed adoption. How do we explain that to him? Thanks for your thought-provoking blog!
peace!
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I have always felt “less than.” I think this is just part of the down side of adoption. Struggling against the voices has always been an issue for me. I have only been able to recently put words to it.
Rejection issues and feeling unworthy are common adoptee issues. I think creating a place where your children can voice and talk about these issues is the best thing you can do for them. These issues may be unfortunate side effects of adoption but the great news is that now that you know there is a potential for these issues you can watch out for them and address. Be proactive in discussing these things.
There are unfortunate circumstances in children’s lives and I think the best way to address them is to be honest. So you have to explain to your son that you don’t have the opportunity to meet his birth family but it is not a life sentence. His birth family could change their mind. Again, create an environment where those feelings can be shared and heard and don’t wait for him to bring them up. Address them and let him talk about it if he wants to.
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Thank you for this post. I agree. Thank you for your blog. SO important that parents who have adopted transracially know the view point of an adult transracial adoptee. Thank you for visiting and commenting on my blog. Will go check out your book now.
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I can’t believe I am just now finding this blog. It is a wonderful help to our family. Thank you.
Both of our Haitian-American children joined our family through adoption (from Haiti) at the same time. I do think that their bond is a helpful one.
I had never looked at it from the perspective of the child wanting all that attention. I see my kids starting to shy away from all the questions they get and hadn’t thought that they might crave some of the attention. I would appreciate hearing more about that — perhaps in a future post.
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