My grandfather could build anything. He built a neighborhood on the side of a mountain in North Carolina, he built Grandfather Clocks, large doll houses complete with electricity, and he built furniture to put in the doll houses and furniture for regular-sized humans too. The amount of knowledge that he kept contained in his skull about building, and designing could fill a library. He never took a woodworking class, or studied design or construction. He just did it. His resume was filled with personal experience instead of certificates, diplomas, or grades.
Because he was involved in such a physical occupation, when I was growing up, he was the strongest man in the world(sorry Dad.) My grandfather would flex the muscles in his abdomen and his whole torso would expand. His muscles were like concrete and in my eyes he was bullet-proof: superman with a tool belt.
As I got older and became consumed with growing up, I saw my grandfather less and less. As I aged and began taking on more responsibility with college and then a real job and a fiancé, little time was left for anything outside my world.
At my wedding, as I saw my grandfather for the first time in awhile, I realized my superman had met his kryptonite. This indestructible man was losing the fight against age. He was smaller, with more wrinkles, and looked frail.
A few months after the wedding, grandpa got sick and died soon after. Although, my grandfather wasn’t a big fan of me being a part of his family, I was never privy to that information growing up,so he was a hero to me. In the years that followed his death as I began my own family and settled in to a 100 year old home, I often wished my grandfather was around to teach me what he knew about construction, woodworking, and design. I missed out on this incredible walking resource because I was too consumed with my own life.
Surprisingly, I have become a better-than-average worker of wood, but nothing like grandpa. The tricks, shortcuts, and methods at which he worked can’t be learned from a book. It was the little things he knew, like the best way to get a screw to catch in wood is to roll it in a bar of soap so the thread fills with soap which allows the screw to easily grab the wood. I’m not sure he could tell you how he ever figured that out or why it worked, but it did. It is that kind of knowledge, when you are desperate for an answer; when the screw isn’t catching, that makes my grandfather this invaluable, priceless resource. A resource that I squandered and overlooked. The infinite solutions and answers he had to so many woodworking puzzles vanished as he took his last breathe.
I see a similar crime being committed in the adoption community. Right now, the time is ripe for us all to benefit from some amazing walking resources. But instead so many agencies, groups, parents, and professionals ignore them. They are too consumed by how things have always been to recognize a resource that sits waiting to be used.
The way things have always been is that conferences, meetings, training, and education have been assigned to those that have studied from books, researched in libraries, and learned from those that did the same before them.
The underutilized resource I am speaking of is the adult adoptee, and more specifically the transracial adult adoptee. I can’t tell you how many times I have turned on the TV after another celebrity has adopted transracially and the person who is being interviewed about what life will be like for this new TRA is a social worker, or therapist but the resource that knows so intimately the life that they want to know about goes ignored.
Conferences that are designed with the adoptee in mind often ignore the adoptee when picking their keynote speakers and presenters. Agencies that state in their literature how important the adoptee is never once considers the valuable library of knowledge contained in the mind of the adult adoptee. It escapes the grasps of some many that adoptees do grow up and become adults able to shed light in the unexplored corners of adoption. In the minds of so many professionals, adoptees are seen as Peter Pan and the lost boys; never growing up, never achieving maturity to contribute.
Those who do see us as having something of value, expect us to freely give it away. It is hard as an adoptee to break the chains created in the adoption process; binding us with the numerous strands of exploitation. The money that has exchanged hands over us and now around and under us is criminal. It is hard to follow the logic of a community that says they are doing things in the best interest of the child, but then exclude that child unless that child, who is now an adult, is willing to give away their stacks and stacks of knowledge for nothing in return. Rarely, is it realized the energy and sacrifice involved in opening old wounds so others can avoid them. If you value the adoptee it means rewarding them on the same scale as the researcher, the social worker, and the therapist. Valuing adoptees means more than printing it out on marketing materials, or in brochures. Actions must follow those typed out words or they are just words on shiny paper.
Let me state this first before I get labeled as a “social worker hater.” I like to explain it this way. If I want advice on how to become a millionaire, do I go to the adviser who has studied how to become a millionaire? Or do I go to the self-made millionaire and ask her how she did it? The answer is simple. There is value in both. They are both powerful resources that we can all learn from. They are both needed.
There are adoptees growing up who are missing out on a viable resource. Right now, there are adult adoptees who have a resume full of life experiences who are being ignored and their opportunity to contribute to the adoption community is being squandered.
It is as simple as supply-and-demand. The parents of adopted children see the need and are screaming for access to the adult adoptee yet the adult adoptee rarely gets the invitation to come to the party; the party that was created in honor of us. When parents are desperate for solutions and the answers sit in the minds of someone that has lived through their situation, the solution is elementary. The adult adoptee should be respected and finally asked to come eat at the table with the adults. We should be treated as a valuable resource and not ignored.
Every time, I pick up a piece of wood in my workshop, I wish I had taken advantage of the priceless wealth of knowledge that was my grandfather. Adoption in itself can bring a lot of regret. I pray that we stop creating ways to invent more regret.
***A reader shared this link with me and it is eerie how much my blog and a fellow adoptee’s blog are saying the same thing! Check it out, HARLOW’S MONKEY
***************************
FOR THOSE WHO MISSED IT…The webinar, TRANSCULTURAL X- The 10 essentials for a successful Transcultural Adoption, was a great success. The bad news: We missed you. The good news: You can still get a recording of the Powerpoint w/audio. You can hear AND see the presentation on your own computer just like you were there. Just click on the link on the right at the top. Once I get your registration, I will send you a link to view the webinar at your leisure.
******
*Feel free to reprint this post on your own blog. I’ll be happy to e-mail you the HTML, so all you have to do is copy & paste, and the formatting will remain intact. If you reprint it, please include the following byline:
Kevin D. Hofmann, author of Growing Up Black In White, Consultant in Adoption, and creator of MY MIND ON PAPER; a blog written to adoptive parents from an adoptee’s point of view.
Kevin,
You make a valid point.
Your expertise is precisely the reason that I follow your blog. You are very balanced and honest in the struggles. You don’t spew angry venom. You don’t present only rainbows and unicorns. I appreciate your insight and thoughtfulness. Thank you.
LikeLike
Brilliant post, and beautifully written. It would be wonderful to have more structured education with adult adoptees. I’m not anti-social worker, but they have their own perspective and agenda, and the insight of someone who has lived the experience is really invaluable. Sometimes I think that professionals and parents can misjudge how a child is really doing, like assuming a quiet child is a content child when s/he might not bother stating needs because there is no expectation of them being met. As an adoptive parent, I do not want to hound the adult adoptees I know for insight – that seems icky and exploitive – but I am very grateful for what I can glean. I would LOVE an organized opportunity to access that insight. The few books that are out there are great, but nothing beats a live chat with questions and answers. And the adult adoptee’s time involved absolutely should be compensated on par with any other expert. That *should* be obvious, but apparently is not.
LikeLike
Barbaloot,
In the near future I will be hosting a webinar with fellow adoptee Rhonda Roorda which will do just that. It will be a Q&A session so stay tuned.
LikeLike
I follow your blog for the same reason Julie does, as do many others. I so appreciate your voice and wish we could have you over for dinner, then put you up in a nice hotel downtown and pay you what we paid our homestudy social worker to come speak to our group of adoptive parents.
LikeLike
Thanks a lot. Sometimes it does mean that parents have got to come together and do just that. Take advantage of ALL the resources out there with or WITHOUT an agency. Some of the most meaning groups I have spoken to have been parents who saw the value in the real experience and organized and brought me in.
LikeLike
Your blogs provide invaluable insight and guidance to myself as transracial adoptive mother. I cannot thank you enough for your candor. Often what you advise is what I wanted to go with in my gut. Whereas, if I listened to our social workers and pride training then I would ignore much of what our daughter needs to grow up as a healthy and well adjusted trans racial adoptee. For example, I have always thought that ignoring racism is the same as saying that it is okay. Thus, inspite of the advice we were given, we plan to have an open line of communication about racial issues so that our daughter knows she can discuss her feelings with us. I think that well-meaning social workers and so-called experts miss the mark sometimes by wanting adoptive parents to turn a blind eye to what is still evident in many parts of this country and to simply get along with those who are ignorant. The arguement is that we, as trans racial adoptive parents, can always be the diplomats to teach and enlighten the ignorant. But my ONLY concern is for my daughter and how issues and attitudes effect her. Your blogs are very inspiring on my journey- thank you!
LikeLike
When we went through training with our agency, for one session they had an adult adoptee speak to us. Actually, she was never adopted, but spent her entire childhood in the foster care system. She shared her story and it was terrible the things that she went through. I wonder if sometimes it is hard to find adult adoptees to talk about this topic. Either because they don’t see their adoption as relevant, or because it is too painful to discuss.
LikeLike
When we went through training with our agency, for one session they had an adult adoptee speak to us. Actually, she was never adopted, but spent her entire childhood in the foster care system. She shared her story and it was terrible the things that she went through. I wonder if sometimes it is hard to find adult adoptees to talk about this topic. Either because they don’t see their adoption as relevant, or because it is too painful to discuss.
LikeLike
I have mixed feelings about this topic. As a woman who has went through infertility, i have spent hours talking with, writing blog posts, speaking on panels or facilitating them, but have not expected payment for my hours. I have also presented at conferences, taught education classes, and volunteered on committees to help other adoptive couples. My thoughts on this is that I have gained SO much through our journey and am SO blessed to have my children through adoption, that it is my turn to give back and to share what I have learned along the way.
However, I have purchased books written on infertility, open adoption, transracial adoption, childrens adoption books, etc. and am so grateful for those who share their talents and who are hopefully getting paid for those through the sale of their books. I think about people like Lois Ruskai Melina who writes about adoption and asks for compensation through pay when asked to present at conferences. I’m assuming that the reason she requires pay is because she has a degree and it not just an adoptive mother. Or does she charge because she has written books.
What should be viewed as giving back (volunteering) and being compensated for? What does one need to have done in order to get paid… have life experiences, have a degree, written books, etc. I guess it may depend on the venue in which one is being asked to participate in. Possibly?
Anyway, I do agree with you… life experiences are the best education we have and can learn from. I have learned more from you in one Webinar and reading almost all of your book :> than I ever have at conferences listening to those who have studied the topic or are case/social workers. This to me is worth compensation through pay. I need to hear from adoptees who have experiences so that I can help my children as they grow and mature. And am grateful for those of you who are willing to take the time to share.
I guess it could be viewed this way… my husband is a contractor. He has been asked by friends/associates if he would be willing to walk them through the building process while they build their own house. My response has been “No way”… this is your profession, you should get paid for that. However, if someone in our church, a family member or friend needs help and he has the time (like he went to my friends house and did the finish work on their basement free of charge) then I am proud of him for volunteering and expecting nothing in return. There is a time to get paid for our expertise and a time to use it to benefit others free of charge. Balancing that is a tricky thing!
LikeLike
Kevin-
I am so glad you are coming to our African/Caribbean Heritage Camp this summer to do exactly what you are saying should be done – sharing your experiences, your thoughts, your opinions on growing up as a transcultural adoptee with our parents at camp, and with our kids at camp too of course!
As the parent of two transcultural adult adoptees myself, I am learning more and more the value of your voices, and am seeing adoption through my kids’ eyes differently than ever before. I agree, talking TO you all about adoption, rather than ABOUT you all is so very credible.
I am looking forward to meeting you in July, and I can tell you are going to give so much to our camp. I do hope you will come away with much in return!
LikeLike