“nigger”
This is the one word message my 11-year-old recently received from a classmate when he logged in to his X-box Sunday night. This was the exclamation point that ended an emotional weekend for our family.
Saturday began with something I look forward to every week: Saturday league basketball. My 11-year-old son is playing basketball for the first time this year and to my proud-dad-surprise he’s really good. All week-long I look forward to him playing point guard, calling the plays, setting picks, and more importantly than seeing his athletic talent, I cherish the opportunity to see the leader in him rise. There is an intense joy I get out of seeing him dribble down the court yelling, “ICE, ICE,” to set up the next offensive play.
On this Saturday, it began as it normally does but during the first quarter of the game I noticed our coach call over the referees during a timeout and they had what looked like a serious conversation. Then the refs called over the other coach and had a conversation with him. It was one of those snap shots that looking back on it I know what it was but during that time it only stands out as odd; out of the ordinary.
As the game continued snap shots of odd continued to happen. I saw our coach having private conversations with my son during the game followed by the instructions, “Calm down.” We sat across the court from their bench so I could only piece together what was going on through body language and reading lips. The instructions to my son, “calm down” continue and I assumed he is getting upset because the score was getting out of control and the chances that they would catch up became more slim with each passing minute.
In the fourth quarter with about 2 mins left, the leading scorer on the other team got the ball near half court and my son ran after him ignoring the ball and with both hands extended pushed the other player. Hard!
“CLICK.” The odd snap shots continued.
My son was called for a technical foul and his coach sits him on the bench for the remaining two minutes in the game. After the final buzzer sounded, my son made the long walk across the court to where my wife and I were sitting. His shoulders were bowed from what I assumed is the weight of the fresh loss. I was crafting how I would tactfully and calmly rip in to him for what I saw as a malicious and senseless foul that he committed at the end of the game. He sat next to me on the bleachers and his shoulders have caved in and his chest begins to expand and contract with the sobs that are coming from his defeated frame. My angry-disappointed dad stance is replaced by my compassionate-dad concern and I ask him what is wrong.
“They kept calling me nigger during the game.” He says in between his sobs.
“Who?” The angry dad in me asked.
My son tells me the one player who called him this five or six times during the game. I asked why he didn’t say anything and he tells me he told his coach early in the game.
Those odd snap shots immediately come back to me. The conversation with the refs, the refs’ conversation with the other team, the picture of the coach mouthing to my son to calm down. It all was a result of my son being called a nigger.
By this time, everyone has cleared the court but the offending opponent, his father, and their coach. They stood directly across from me on the edge of the court. I walked over to the tirade and with each step across the court the calm logic that I told myself was to conduct this conversation drained from me with each step and was replaced with rage. By the time I reached the three clear logic was burned out of me.
I tell the three to hold on and I turn to the 11-year-old who called my son a nigger and direct the conversation at him. ” Call my son a nigger one more time…”
The rage has erased from my memory how I finished that sentence or if I ever finished the sentence. The boy’s father objected to the way I was yelling at his son and the father and I go back and forth. The security guard came over and got in between us. The presence of the extra party temporarily calls back the rational dad in me and I walk away.
As I am walking away the father loudly states, “C’mon this is only a 5-6 grade basketball game. It’s not that serious.”
This comment awakens the rage that had receded not only in myself but now in my wife. I turn around and loudly state, “Once your son called my son a nigger this became so much more than a 5-6 grade basketball game.” By then my wife was screaming at this man and there is no way he can respond. He has awoken the verbal MMA fighter in my wife and all he can do is tap out.
I grab my son and we walk out of the gym and out of the school. As the cold February air hits me I’m sure steam is rising from my skin. As the steam escapes so does the rage.
S l o w l y.
The next day, the child whose father assured me on the basketball court that his son didn’t call my son a nigger sent my son this message via X-box.
This is now the third time this school year my son has been called a nigger and with each offense I picture the scars that are created with the utterance of the word nigger towards my son. It frustrates me that now my son has been called nigger more than I was at that age growing up 33 years ago. It darkens my heart to realize I have said nigger more in the last year than I have in the last ten years.
I met with the school superintendent, spoke to the police, spoke to the principal of the school and talked to the commissioner of the basketball league. I told them how my heart aches because my son did everything right. When the offense occurred he told an adult and the adults failed him. They failed to act and because the boy continued to call him a nigger throughout the game my son decided to handle it, because the adults had refused to do anything. The true tragedy was that the offender was given the privilege to finish the game and the offended was pulled from the game.
The deep messages that this one Saturday sends will take me a while to scrub away.
In speaking with official after official never did I say, “the n word.” My children don’t get the benefit of the kinder, gentler version of the word and when telling others it’s important to me that they hear and feel the uncomfortable impact of the word. Saying “the n word, ” helps many to continue to believe we live in a post-racial society because we don’t hear nigger anymore. Nigger is alive and well and my children hear it from other children on a regular basis.
I’m so sorry, you brought me to tears. It’s unbelievable the ignorance of people still.
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No words. I share your anger– your rage. What where those refs. thinking? That kid should be kicked out of the league for using that language. And his father should be forced to go through cultural sensitivity courses. I’m so sorry you and your family had to go through this.
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I am sorry you and your family went through this experience. As a mother of four black children, I have shared your rage. I have never found a response that actually changed anyone’s ignorance.
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GB,
You are so right. There’s nothing you can say which makes it even more frustrating.
I think that is why I spoke to the boy first. I think I thought I could impress upon him the gravity of what he said, but it’s doubtful I know.
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Oh, Kevin, this breaks my heart. I am so sorry. Doesn’t your school have a Zero Tolerance stance on this type of thing?
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Luanne,
Since it was a Saturday league which is not sanctioned by the school they put me in touch with the league commissioner who was very upset with what happened and he spoke to all involved( coaches and refs) but the upsetting thing is the boy got away with it both during the game and with the message he sent over the Internet.
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Oh, got it. I don’t know that I could let it go at that. I would hope the league commissioner will see to it that this incident is a lesson to others that this will not be tolerated by excusing this child from the league.
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Yes, it is so hard to raise children and see them endure this! If you haven’t already seen the the 11/18/11 blog post at Los Angelista I highly reccomend. Her kids share their reaction to racist name calling.
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Yes I did see that. It was very powerful and sad that they knew so much about how that feels.
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I would thnk that the x-box message would deliver a set of consequences. The school may have little authority over the Saturday league, but hate speech directed toward a classmate through social media? That seems like bullying, whcih I imagne the school finds unacceptable. So sorry about this Kevin. People can be so cruel.
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When I spoke to the police they said they wished the child had threatened my son in the message then we could have prosecuted him criminally. Unfortunately it appears this incident falls between the cracks.
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Very sad. It sounds very sad that this kid could use this and feel confident that he would get away with it. The xbox message should be traceable and useable in court. I think things are more racist than they were 25 years ago. Or maybe the dynamics were different growing up in a predominantly Black city. Even when racist, White people would not use this for fear of reprisal. I only heard it in the form of Black men using it to each other and an occasional old White man using it or the also offensive word (colored).
Maybe your son can wear a recording device if it happens again. They could have halted the game and checked with the other players.
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hideous. i am so sorry. i am sick about what my children may face as they get older.
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My heart goes out to you and your son and family! Please tell your son that most people don’t feel that way about him. It seems that there are always a few ignorant, intolerable people who make life hard for the rest! My prayer is that some day we can all be tolerant to one another and not notice the color of anyone’s skin.
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I am so sorry to hear this, Kevin. And it’s soooo frustrating that the coaches handled it soooo poorly. I can’t believe, well, I can, but it makes me so mad that the coach told your son to CALM DOWN???? OMG. Unbelievable. That kid didn’t get ANY repercussions?? Horrible.
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I am so sorry that he went through that. I’m dumbfounded by the way the adults responded to this situation. I bet if your son was trash talking their kid, it would have gone alot differently. I don’t know enough about X-box but I hope that the message that was sent is traceable and you can use it to prove bullying. I hope you get some justice for your son from somewhere. If someone hold’s the boy accountable for his actions it may teach him a valuable life lesson. It doesn’t sound like the boy’s father is going to teach him any life lessons so somebody needs to.
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i too am stunned that such language & intent is responded to & allowed.
YET, i think it is not the boy that uttered these words that should be taken to task (at least not solely) but it his parents who should be addressed. . . .surely he is modelling what he has seen and been exposed to. our children do not invent this language nor do they intuitively respond in this manner, it is learnt behaviour. more seriously it is behaviour that is seen to be tolerated by ones parents, school, friends, & society, whether thru media or face to face . . . this is truly the most depressing aspect of such an incidence, well the most depressing thing is seeing your son having to deal with it. i am afraid not only for your son but for mine too . . . dont blame the child but seek redress from those that guide him.
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How horrible. My heart aches for you all. I am going to share this with some coaches I know. “calm down” “not that serious” – shaking my head and sighing.
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I would ask the “authorities” of the basketball league how they would handle a situation if one of the players starts dropping f-bombs on the court? I doubt that would be acceptable, yet that words is less likely to invoke the same kind of anger and feelings as the ‘n’ word.
I also don’t understand the boy’s father– he was OK with his son using that word? I would be livid! My parents would have been livid if I ever used that word. Too many parents today want to be ‘friends’ with their kids.
Do none of these people encourage or teach good sportsmanship– as they said it is only a 5-6th grade game– at that level especially, shouldn’t one of the main goals be to teach good sportsmanship?
I am so sorry your son is being subjected to this crap. For what it is worth– I think the scarring you mention has more potential to erode the soul and integrity of the person issuing the word than the one receiving it.
so, very sorry.
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Our family has been having some uncomfortable and emotional discussions about this word. My oldest daughter is struggling; she is addicted, in trouble and troubled. The people in her network are too. Her new boyfriend, a white young man, uses this word all. the. time. He has embraced a gangsta-rap persona and sees the black man as defiant, powerful both in terms of physical strength and passion — all the worst and most negative of black stereotypes. When he uses the word, he is saying I am one of them, you are too… we are cool.
But, my Haitian son and daughter are just 6- and 8-. I don’t want this young man having access to their mind. I don’t want him around. Because I don’t accept her white boyfriend who allows racial slurs to slip off his tongue continually, my daughter has decided I am prejudice and judgmental. There is tension (and obviously more going on than I shared in this comment)… enough tension that I want to physically move away from it all.
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this is obscene, but also not at all a surprise to me. racism is alive and well, unfortunately. good for you for advocating for your son! the one piece of advice i’d give: get an attorney involved if there are any further incidents, especially with the x box. i’ve been amazed to see how things get attention once the lawyers are involved.
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Exactly. The X box comment should be able to be traced back to this child, which should allow him to be kicked off the team. Email, facebook etc tracking allows it to be more than he said/she said.
That word has such strong negative connotatioins that it has gotten people fired from jobs so there is hope that this kid should be able to be removed from that league.
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This brings me to tears. I am so sorry your family had to go through this.
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Thanks for sharing this, Kevin, and on a side note, beautifully written and expressed. I was impressed that you didn’t focus on this as a race issue, but instead instead captured a snapshot of our existing society along with the parenting struggles that come into play.
It is an unfortunate reality that your son had to experience and will affect him in years to come. We can’t shield our children from negative experiences in life. We can only prepare them and lead by example how to grow up in this world. Your son is blessed with good parents. You stood by him, dealt with the issue directly and demonstrated a strong, civilized approach. Sure, there were the moments where the rage instinct surfaced for you and your son, but you helped your son see that is a natural response and how to follow through with strength and composure. Education, not retaliation.
I feel more for the boy that so easily and repeatedly called your son a nigger. I don’t believe that a 6th grader can be labeled as prejudiced or hurtful. They have no comprehension or intention behind it at that stage in their life. It is a regurgitation of exposed thoughts in his environment directly related to his parents. That is sad. I do have faith in our current youth to erase this nonsense eventually. I believe that kid will align himself more with his peers than his parents in the coming years. The world needs more parents like you. Keep the faith.
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Kevin, i read the progression of this with dread and tears. i wonder what your son would want as an outcome? my heart aches for your family, for mine. please tell your son that there is an endless army of people who stand beside him..
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Mr. Hofmann, as a white man I am left feeling horrible and feeling so angry at the sickness of racism. I have tasted its influence on my life and I have grown to hate it. So, I pray that I and everyone who has a conscience will not just feel angry, but use their anger whenever they see or experience racism and act against it. Of course, as MLK Jr. taught us all, we hate the sin, and work to raise up the person beyond it (though trust me I would also like to choke people for being so stupid and out right evil). So thank you for taking a stand for your son, and also trying to impact the life of the boy who spoke so horribly.
And tell your son, that there are a lot of people of all races who think he is wonderful just because he exists.
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I am truly sorry to read this. You are right-this is much much more than a grade 5/6 basketball game. The fact that all the adults let it go, is also disturbing. Those other players heard what happened, and took it all in.
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The thing that makes this incident even more sickening is the fact that it isn’t an isolated sort of thing….people are horrified but it happens far too often in this country…we are not post-racial and have a lot of work to do…I am so tired of dealing with incidents like this and even more tired of people suggesting that I stop stressing about it- my question is, if we don’t fight for our children and their right to dignity and respect then who will?????
Bravo to you for speaking out and standing up for your son- I hope that the other kid has consequences- he should be thrown out of the league and not allowed to join again to show that they have a zero tolerance policy for racism…
Thank you for sharing this incident- I know it is horribly painful but it is important for more and more people to understand exactly what is happening every day- just because they don’t see it or experience it does not mean that racism isn’t alive and well in this country… unfortunately, it is…..
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Checking in to see how you are faring. This is a very saddening story. We have racism in Mexico, but it is much more subtle, being that we are all people of color, just varying shades of brown with lighter brown folks often believing that they are somehow better than the darker brown folks.
The issue that I have been confronted with is that young Mexicans enjoy the gangsta rap they get from the US and are ignorant of the words nigga and nigger and any level of difference they may carry. I have heard them call one another homey and nigger with no understanding of any difference. They have no knowledge of the history of racism in the USA, they just know that their favorite rappers use the term.
When opportunity allows I have taken the time to try to educate them regarding calling someone a nigger. I tell them the history of US racism. I also ask them to recall their favorite Latino rappers I ask if they recall Latino rappers using the word nigger or even nigga. Not a one can provide an example. I tell them that they need to pay heed to the example of Latino rappers because there is an important reason the word does not appear in Latino rap. I have also pointed out point blank with that should they ever get to go to the US and, as a young Latino man, they called a black person nigger, depending on who it was, they could very well find themselves in a life and death situation because they were ignorant of the history of the word and thought that they were being cute.
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After thinking about what Brother David has written, I would suspect that this kid who insulted Kevin’s son, will most likely at some point insult someone who will indeed hurt him very badly. He probably has no idea of how dangerous his words are. He will learn, but apparently not from his racist parents or the coaching staff. Life will teach him.
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Dear Kevin, After reading this I am just sick. I don’t understand how parents can take such an ignorant attitude to what their children do and say. This they’re just kids crap is disgusting. I’m so sorry you son had to experience such cruelty.
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This is a very beautifully written post about such a tragedy in your son’s life-your life–the team’s life. I am so sorry for all of you. I am going to place hope in how the commissioner will handle it–your advocacy and your rage and your writing are all powerful and appreciated for all of our children. I hope to read a follow up post about how well this is handled from here on out. Maybe that other young man will be given an opportunity to change too.
The Melba Patillo Bates one woman show–Warrior’s Don’t Cry that my middle school students saw this year–put the historic relevance of the word in such a powerful context that many of my white students reflected to me in writing that they would never use the word again, now that they understood the violence and hatred it engenders.
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yOU GOTTA be kidding!!! I was called that so many times.. I LOATHE that word!!!!! Thank u for being so pro-active w/your son! You are a inspiration!
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Shame on them for allowing that to fly! That is completely unacceptable. I am so sorry your son had to endure that. I’m just sick for him. Make sure you impress upon your son that he is a Hofmann, and Hofmanns are worthy of dignity and respect. (All people are, but he is yours.) May this incident cause him to grow in compassion and justice, rather than anger and bitterness. Thank you for sharing this in such a well-written way. You put me right into his (and your) shoes, so I can feel your pain.
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Kevin, it’s sickening what happened and I’m sorry to hear of your family going through this.
There was a widely publicized incident in Ontario, Canada, where a racial slur was directed at a young black hockey player, and the coach and entire team walked away from the game when the offending player was not penalized. A link to the end of the story is here:
http://www.torontosun.com/sports/hockey/2010/12/20/16619951.html
I remember reading at the time that it was a team decision – that the boy’s teamates felt it was their moral duty to stick up for their team mate to the extent of forfeiting the game (no small decision – minor hockey is taken very seriously here – at lesat by the families involved in it). The coach was suspended for a time, but reinstated due to public outcry. It’s an inspiring story, and in my eyes the coach is a real hero. Unfortunately just doing a search for the story turned up many others that were all too similar as to what happened to your son.
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Kevin, I just came across your blog via a Facebook posting of a newspaper article about you. I am so sorry that your son and you and your wife experienced this terrible injustice. I am white, with a Chinese child, living in a black neighborhood in Brooklyn, and my heart aches for my friends, black and white, with black children, especially sons. Now that we are finally hearing about the murder of Trayvon Martin, I can only imagine the anger and fear in their hearts.
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Kevin, what a parenting and life dilemma! Trying to figure out how to handle this keeping your son’s interest foremost is unbelievably tough. He did the right thing, but the wrong outcome resulted. This has sparked quite a discussion at my house about what we would do. My kids’ perspective have been interesting.
How to get the attention focused where it should be focused-punishing the other child and the other child’s team. Unfortunately, the message that the other kid got was that calling someone a “nigger” works because the offended person loses concentration and focus and ultimately commits a foul and gets kicked out of the game. I hope the league commissioner is able to recognize that this is not the outcome that is in the best interest of anyone!! Do you think your child’s coach did enough?
Dawn Davenport
Creating a Family
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Dawn,
In a word, No!
In two words, Hell No!
She should have stopped the game, she should have ran, not jogged or walked over to me immediately after the game and told me what had happened. She should have done SOMETHING!
Lately, this has been my favorite quote and is so true with this incident, racism, and bullying.
“IN THE END, WE WILL REMEMBER NOT THE WORDS OF OUR ENEMIES BUT THE SILENCE OF OUR FRIENDS.” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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Yes, immediate action from the adults/officials should have taken place at the time of the incident. What message are sending our children? My son is a 2007 alumnus of the University of MI. I remember before heading back to Detroit some words of wisdom I left with him. And although he never told me of any specific incidents; he acknowledged that everything that I said to him 4 years previous was on point.
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I’m going to post this link to the Creating a Family Facebook Support group to see what others have done in similar situation, and to get everyone thinking about why words matter.
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They would probably find this momma on the court the next time we played…It is not acceptable. I would be making calls to leage officials and the people in charge. If it continued I would notify the media….This is the same as bullying in my opinion. When my little man was in first grade, an older kid told his friend that he shouldn’t be friends with him because black people lie all the time. (my son’s friend was biracial but it wasn’t noticable)…When I found out what had happened, I was on the phone the next day to the Principal and the teacher. Just not acceptable!!! In the wake of the Trayvon Martin case I feel that we need to find a way to talk to our son. My husband and I are white and he is African American. I am in territory that I am struggling to know what the right thing to say to my 9 year and what not to.
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The Travon Martin case gives us a tragic opportunity to talk to our kids about race, how society views children of colo,r and what they should do in similar circumstances.. This case is a great way to to begin the conversation of race and expectations in a way that isn’t too personal. Believe me, it is easier to talk about racism when it’s acted out upon someone else first(Travon Martin), this makes it less personal and opens the door for future conversations when your child is the one on the other end of racist behavior. Please start it now. Not talking about it sends a silent message that this is not something to be discussed and when he is involved in racism he will have no where to turn.
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Oh Kevin! I cannot imagine the horror! I cannot imagine a whole organization allowing children to conduct themselves in that manner, and I am sorry.
We deal with rude idiots regarding our children’s disabilities but I cannot imagine this! Too bad the crowd wasn’t in on the issue, I am sure there would have been a lot more yelling and screaming and they would have HAD to take action!
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Kevin, I am so sorry that this happened, and continues to happen to your family and to other children of color. It gives me chills and I have tears in my eyes. Your son must feel very secure and supported based on all the actions you and your wife took. As the parent of a transracially adopted toddler, I look to you for guidance.
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cool story nigga
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Thank you for your less than intelligent reply.
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I’m so sorry. My family is white, and they say that all the time, I’m on your page because I got sick of it. And I let them have it! !!
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