The messages that are intended aren’t always the messages that are received. Below I have complied 5 myths followed by the truths and the messages these myths send.
1) MYTH: Acknowledging race conflicts with the message we as a transracial family want to send to our transracial adoptee. Race doesn’t matter to us.
TRUTH: Acknowledging the obvious differences and talking about them helps prove that it doesn’t matter to you. Ignoring the obvious difference makes the transracial adoptee question just how much race matters. To which some will conclude race matters too much because no one is willing to tackle it or explain it. Therefore, race should only be seen and not heard. As a child of color, should I too only be seen and not heard?
2) MYTH: When our transracial adoptee is ready to talk about race and adoption HE/SHE will bring it up.
TRUTH: The transracial adoptee will not bring up race or adoption because your silence about these subjects doesn’t give them permission to talk about them.
3) MYTH: Talking about a child’s painful past will only cause the pain to grow and multiply.
TRUTH: Pain operates the opposite of vegetation. You can’t choke out pain by ignoring it or starving it of attention. Pain grows from lack of attention NOT vice versa.
4) MYTH: Love is divisible. If we open up our family to birth parents it will divide our adoptive child’s love in half.
TRUTH: Honoring, respecting, and loving birthparents teaches the adoptee how to honor, respect and love adoptive parents. LOVE MULTIPLIES!
5) MYTH: Learning, studying and researching how I am affected by adoption, as an adoptee, robs me of joy.
TRUTH: Joy comes from understanding.
Be conscious of the messages you want to send and be proactive to make sure what you are intending is actually what your children are receiving.
Very succinct.
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Great blog Kevin. I am posting everywhere 🙂
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Very clear. # 1 could be fleshed out a bit. Saying that race doesn’t matter, however, in our culture, would be important for the adoptive family, right – but would be seen and accepted clearly only with further discussion about how others in culture and community are not thinking or accepting.
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I agree! It’s interesting that this blog started with. one statement, “Acknowledging the difference proves it doesn’t matter. Ignoring the difference causes me to question how much it matters.” I struggled with leaving it as is or adjusting it. I choose to adjust it but could have written a whole blog on this one topic. This was the one I really struggled with out of all of them. I like how the others were short and sweet. I agree that talking about race has to include that although it doesn’t matter in our family it matters greatly outside our family and it is important for children of color to understand how much it matters and that they should be prepared for how much it can impact their life.
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Great stuff here. This is also what our adoptive parent training and classes taught us, but it means even more to hear you say it from your perspective and life experience. We thank you, and I’m sure our daughters will too!
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Thank you for your insight. We’ve been spreading our words to our family and close friends, encouraging them to not be color blind so that our son embraces his ethnicity and loves not only his own physical features, but loves the ancestry he originated from as well.
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Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
Being conscious of the messages we send and what is being received by adoptees. Love is not enough.
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You’re right! Love is not enough. It is the foundation but just as you wouldn’t stop building a house after the foundation laid you don’t stop building a family assume LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL.
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I know people who have – stopped building houses and families, because we have choice, but when we proceed it is hard work and requires commitment, patience and insight.
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Kevin, adoptive mom who values your voice. Keep em coming!
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Reblogged this on Red Thread Broken and commented:
This is a good reminder for adoptive parents or prospective adoptive parents.
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