Part of my passion in the adoption community is to celebrate the voices of all impacted by adoption. So I decided to reach out to others in the community to do guest blogs on my site. Here is the first of many.
Bio: My name is Aerial and I am an adoptee, blogger, aspiring photographer, musician, and writer. I have been in post reunion with my birth family for seven years. I have seven siblings: two older biological half sisters, one older biological whole sister, my little sister I was raised with, one older biological half brother, my twin brother I was raised with and my youngest brother I was raised with…Big sister of four and the baby sister of six ( birth mother and birth father’s side). I have been blogging for the last five years and I am in the process of writing a book. Here is a post from my blog The Eyes of An Adoptee.
Loss, Pain & Grief…. Understanding the Adopted Person
Some adoptees do not struggle with these feelings. I am not assuming every adoptee does; just putting that out there.
I was talking with another adoptee last night. I follow her blog and I think her story is so interesting. We were talking last night about grief. She asked me “why do we grieve?” I thought about this question. Here is what I understand:
I think we as adoptees grieve because we understand that the relationships we are searching for are not the ones we initially had. For example… the relationship I have with my birth mother now is not the relationship I would of have with her if I wasn’t adopted. It would have been totally different and that initial relationship is what I yearned for. When I realized I couldn’t have that relationship I had to grieve that lost. However in the midst of grieving for what I couldn’t have… I had to build some type of relationship with her to keep her in some way, shape or form in my life. That’s where pain sets in. The pain of having her in my life in a way that I didn’t expect and wasn’t necessarily ready for and the pain of her not being able to be my mother. So the loss sets in. I lost a mother.
This is traumatizing and a lot of people inside and outside the realm of adoption don’t believe, recognize or understand. I lost a mother in the worst way possible. Losing a parent to death is tragic. I almost lost both of my parents but I thank God every day that they are still here. That grief is sometimes unbearable but people get through it and they cope.
I lost my birth mother but I see her from time to time. I can’t have her. The woman that held me ( and my twin brother) for nine months and gave birth to me, named me, took me home, and had me in her care up until I was four months old is out there walking around Walmart or watching TV and I can’t be her daughter. I can’t call her everyday. I can’t give her a hug everyday. I can’t do the things daughters do with mothers because that title was taken away from her. That title was stripped from me. I am someone else’s daughter. The essence is gone.
Pain, loss and grief…. most adopted people know too well. These feelings are the most hidden feelings. I don’t share these feelings because it’s easier than going through the emotions and trying to explain it to people over and over to no prevail. It’s like reliving you reality when you are already drowning in it.