January 17, 2017
Raising a Child of Color
Strategies and Tools for Facing Racism
Sponsor: Wide Horizons For Children
Location: Boston MA
Time: 6:00-8:30 pm
February 2, 2017
Raising a Child of Color
Strategies and Tools for Facing Racism
Sponsor: Wide Horizons For Children
Location: Manhatten NY, near Penn Station
Time: 6:00-8:30 pm
March 9, 2017
Taping of Leading Edge- Local Toledo news show-Doing segment on adoption and the adoption support group I co-facilitate for Adoption Network Cleveland.
I will post link to show once available
March 11,2017
Adrian, MI
2 Sessions
12:15-1:15 pm
1:30-2:30pm
Breakout session with Transracial parents
will update location once received.
August 11-12, 2017
Transracial Journeys Family Camp
Will be on hand to visit with families and kids
[…] Questions/Topics […]
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Thank you so much for the thought and time you put into your blog. Your words have renewed my consideration of the topics you address, but in a new way.
As an adoptive parent, I would love to know if your parents or siblings read your blog, and what their comments are. Do they have a different take on the topics you address? Have you brought changed understanding to their minds?
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Hannah,
I have two brothers and a sister. My brothers have no interest in reading my blog. I don’t think they are opposed to it’s just not their thing.
My sister does read the blog and will often leave a comment or give her thoughts when I talk to her.
When I wrote, the post, ARE YOU WILLING TO EXCHANGE MAJORITY FOR MINORITY, she commented that she was so thankful that she had the chance to experience life as a minority when we lived in black neighborhood. I thought that was great!
My Dad doesn’t get on line much and my Mom doesn’t read it much either. My Mom served as my proof reader for the book which covers a lot of what I blog about but in further detail. She has read the book now 4-5 times and each time she says how much she loves it.
I think she has learned a lot about me that she didn’t know by reading the book.
I often talk to my Mom and Dad about my blog and my posts on the blog and we are usually in agreement. So I haven’t changed their minds.
Actually, if anything my father is more sensitive to racial bias than I am.
Thanks for the ?
Kevin
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Hannah,
This is Kevin’s sister Lisa and I read his blog all the time. I placed my daughter up for adoption over 30 years ago. With Kevin’s help and encouragement I have found her. I also have a biracial child and can reality to so many of the issues that comes with that. I would have told you a year ago that my brother and I were not that close but though this journey he has always been there and I feel closer to him than anyone in my family… If it were up to me it would be mandatory for all of us to read it. 🙂
Lisa
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Hi Kevin,
I love your blog! It’s so very thought provoking to me. I feel like our agency gave us good training on transracial parenting, so I feel like we went into our adoption of our son from India with our eyes wide open. Being in India, and being the minority for the first time in our lives was truly an experience that we treasure. We stuck out not only for our skin color, but our dress (even though I tried to wear Indian dress), our actions, and our language. I will never forget our experiences there. Time and space and reality has hit since our adoption, and we are now living in a very non-diverse area due to my husband’s job. We are desperately looking for jobs in a more diverse area…but so far nothing. Can you possibly address how families like ours can really work to create positive experiences for our children, when circumstances beyond our control prevent us from making that drastic step of a move? (When we initially adopted, we lived in a VERY diverse area with many races, cultures, and tons of adoptive families. Life is cruel sometimes, you know?) Also, when I do see people out and about, I’m dying to ask them where they attend church…so we can find as much of a diverse congregation as possible here….but I can’t seem to choke it out. I’ve got myself convinced they will not approve of our family…etc. etc. What advice do you have for me on that subject?
Thanks again for all your insight. It’s so refreshing.
Pam
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Pam,
If your child had a special need wouldn’t you seek out the support they needed to allow them to be all they could be?
Your child does have a special need.
It is my belief the connection to their culture is imperative and that may mean doing some things you’re not comfortable with.
What I have found is that we often make a bigger deal about it in our heads. I would say a large percentage of people of-color if approached will be very open and helpful.
Just remember that one connection could open up a whole new community to your child. You are one conversation away from getting your child what they need.
I know it is hard, I struggle with it when I approach a transracial family but the regret and opportunity lost is far worse than a few seconds(which is what it comes down to) of me being uncomfortable.
Seeking out groups, churches etc is easy. It can be done by looking through a phone book or asking a person of color. In the large metropolitan area, you should be able to find something. It may mean driving a distance but that connection could open up something closer.
You can do it!!! When you do let me know how it goes
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Hi Kevin. What a blessing your work is! Here is something I wonder about. I am white, but my husband is biracial. Some people think he is AA, many people ask about his ethnicity, some know he is Puerto Rican. I am wondering how different that makes the transracial element for our adopted daughter, who is AA & Mexican. Ironically, she looks very much like my husband, so if both she and him are there, people assume she is a bio daughter. But if it’s jus me and her, often they assume she’s adopted. (Obviously this assumes I must be married to a white guy, right? : ) Anyway, she does have one parent of color, but I’m wondering how much difference that will make.
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Happy Mom,
It will make a huge difference. He has first hand knowledge of what it is like to be a minority. He can share experiences he has gone through with your daughter and they can relate on that level. That will be very powerful.
You really have the luxury of having in your home a great racial role model for your daughter. The of-color experience is relate-able even if they aren’t the same race.
Just a side note, as you know I am biracial and often get asked if I am Hispanic.
I have had several Spanish speaking people walk up to me and right away begin speaking Spanish which I don’t know. When I say I don’t speak Spanish the looks I get would kill an ox. My wife and I laugh about that all the time.
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Kevin,
This morning I took my daughter to the black salon we have been going to for over a year now. My husband was working, so our 1 year old son went with us. As Mrs. Terrell was telling me that Nikki’s hair looks good and we had been doing a good job taking care of it, she looked at Jack and started to say something. She asked who cut his hair. I told her that we had trimmed it, but hadn’t done the official going-to-get-a-haircut thing yet. She said, “As a mother to a black boy, you need to know that going to a barber shop needs to be part of his life. That is an important part of the culture that he needs to be involved in. Not all girls go to a salon, but for boys, the barber shop is very important.” I smiled and related your blogs and posts on the subject and told her a little about your story and your book. She thought that your book sounded great. She said not all barbers are good with kids, so when we are ready to call her and she would tell us where to go. I am so thankful that she felt comfortable enough to tell me that, and for the advice she gives me about Nikki’s hair. I am glad that she senses I am open and want to hear what she has to say. When we go there, I am the only white person in the salon, and I think it is important for Nikki to be in that environment and have that experience. So, thanks for sharing your barber shop thoughts, and when Jack does go for the first time, I’ll let you know how it goes!
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Holly,
What a gift you have in Mrs. Terrell. What is even more valuable is the relationship you have with her. For her to be that comfortable in saying what she said is a gift. You brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad you have such a gem in Mrs. Terrell. It will make a big difference in Jack and Nikki’s life. Your openess will benefit them greatly.
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Hi Kevin,
I have been in contact with a major Black church about 2 hours from us…but haven’t had much luck finding anything closer to home. Hubby just lost his job, and we are thinking about relocating to a larger area. Regardless….I’m still searching and trying to find something close by! 🙂 Thanks for all the advice!
Pam
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Kevin,
We adopted our daughter as an infant (5 mo) from Guatemala in 2006. We have since searched for and met her birthmother (grandmother and aunt too). I also put together a lifebook that includes photos of her with her birthmother at two days old, along with her foster family. I feel very fortunate that we have these photos and at least the start of a relationship with her birthfamily. My concern is that she doesn’t like to look at her lifebook and rarely mentions her birthfamily (she does readily tell people she was born in Guatemala). So my question is whether we just let her move at her own pace and wait for her to ask questions or do we make a point of talking with her about her adoption and birthfamily. I guess I’m probably one of those adoptive moms that “over-thinks” everything, but I just want to get it right for her. I respect your opinion and wonder what you recommend?
Sara
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Sara,
I would suggest a combination of both. She is still young so I would leave it alone for maybe 6 months to a year and she how she responds when you bring it out again. If she is not interested just leave the door open to talk about it in the future. In the mean time be listening for cues from her if she brings it up talk to her about it. Just create an environment where she feels free to talk about and one that supports talking about it.
Along the way there will be those teaching moments where something on TV or around you will make the subject easy to comment on. This is where you can throw it out there and if she doesn’t bite just move on.
What you don’t want to do is ignore it because that translates in to an environment where you aren’t supposed to talk about it.
I hope that helps. If I have totally confused you let me know and I will try and explain it a different way.
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Kevin,
I am very interested in the journey of having your book published. Would you mind sharing with me if you self published or used an agent? Did you go the traditional publishing route? I appreciate any feedback you can offer.
Many thanks,
Amy F
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Kevin, I just read an article about the Census and how many biracial people, including President Obama, are not choosing to check both white and black as race, even though they have that choice. They are only checking black. I understand those that want the option to choose both, and I also understand the choice that many are making to choose only black. What are your thoughts on this?
At school, when the forms come around for teachers to fill out about their students, one of my daughter’s teachers has asked me what they should mark. I know that several times you are able to give me a perspective I haven’t thought of before, so I am interested in hearing your thoughts on this subject.
I also have another question that I have been asked before that will probably be controversial, and I want to make sure that if and when I ask it, I don’t offend anyone. But I will save that for another day.
Thanks!
Holly
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The topic of Biracial and how I identify will be address in a new post called, “Biracial with Black Leanings.”
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Kevin,
Just a comment as a sort of end note on my question about race and the census:
We did not discuss the census with our 6 year old biracial daughter, Nikki. And (I know, I know – it is awful), we never found time to fill out the census and send it in. So last night, the census worker came to our door. Nikki, being the outgoing people-person she is, was giving answers for us, spelling our names for the worker, and being all around precious Nikki. Then came the question: Robert, what race are you? White. Holly, what race are you? White. What race is Nikki? The census worker looks at us and asks the question. But before we could utter a sound, she jumps up and says gleefully, “African American! And so is my brother, Jack! He is African American, too.” She said it with such pride, such confidence, such joy, that I had a moment as a mother to think that maybe we are doing okay as parents in this area. Obviously Nikki felt comfortable, even proud of her race – which is exactly what we want and have tried to give her. The census worker even said, “If you want to mark white and African American for her, we can.” Nikki just said, “African American.” Enough said. I just have to continue to make a conscious effort to build her up and expose her to opportunities and experiences where she can continue to develop that pride in herself with her racial identity.
Proud Mom of two beautiful children,
Holly
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Kevin,
Thank you for all of the work you do on your blog and on your book. I just finished reading it, and found it fascinating! I live on the edge of Detroit, in a very diverse area. I also, just adopted my son, who is 9 weeks old. He is Black. As a White Mom, I have found a lot of material available is negative and bitter, and that does not help facilitate change in the future generation. I most appreciate the concrete and positive support you give adoptive parents to help us raise our children to be confident in their own skin. (Such as live in a diverse area, participate in activities where your child is in the majority, talk about race openly, find mentors of your child’s race)
My biggest question is how do you feel about open adoptions? We have a semi-open adoption with our son’s Brthmother, and plan on having regular contact/visits with her and her family. But, we have been warned to have very limited contact, as it can be confusing to a young child, to have a “Birthmom” and a “Mommy.” What are your thoughts? How would you recommend pursuing a relationship that is best for our son? Thank you for your insight!- April
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Hey Kevin! I just found your book. I’m EAGER to read it!!! I just blogged about it and fbed your interview.
I’m curious where you are spiritually? Can you answer that question? 🙂
Have you and your wife considered adopting? I would love to hear more on this!!
My husband and I specifically sought transracial adoption because of the huge need for African Americans to be adopted and that, today, AA children are STILL considered ‘special needs’ (esp. in the south).
I worked as a birth parent social worker in a pregnancy care center. I ached when I could hand white pregnant mother’s 10 profiles to choose their babies forever family and black mother’s I typically had 1 profile. ONE.
We didn’t want to add to that discrimination, but separate it. We wanted to show the truth of God’s heart for all peoples and live that as fully as we can/know how.
My husband and I are passionate about racial reconciliation, and want to be actively seeking that to the glory of God! We believe passionately that all people are created in the image of God, and that the different colors of people in the world are a celebration of God’s grace and glory! We do our best to live and communicate this to our children.
thanks!
shawnda
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April,
Open adoption was confusing to me as an adult so I was very unsure about it but then I thought about how incredible it would have been to have my biological mother in my life and how much I missed because she wasn’t and I changed my mind. My only concern now is how it is structured. If it is structured properly and everyone’s boundaries are respected I am all for it and think it can be a very helpful and beneficial experience.
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Shawnda,
i am a proud Christian and I strongly feel that God is very present in adoption. My definition of adoption is : a divine appointment in which God causes the lives of individuals to intersect and become family.
My wife and I have not considered adoption not because I have anything against adoption but because it was important to us for me to have a blood relative. Growing up without someone who looked like me made me want to have biological children. We were fortunate to have two boys and that was all the children we wanted.
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Hi Kevin,
I ordered your book. Can’t wait to learn from it!
I’m so afraid that black people are judging me on the way I take care of my Ethiopian son. I’m always worried that the edge on his hair won’t look good enough, or his skin will look dry because he was in the pool and I didn’t have time to moisturize him all over before we ran to the grocery to get milk. Then I worry that he’s dressed too preppy.
Am I being scrutinized or am I just paranoid?
Regarding the barber shop: my husband (white) travels a lot so it will be difficult for him to take our son to the barber shop (I’ve been cutting his hair at home). Is it totally uncool for a white mom to take her black son to the black barber shop? Our son is 6 now.
Thanks,
Amy
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Amy,
No it is not uncool. I often see black moms taking their children in to the barber shop and that is fine.
Actually, I would say that if you are willing and bold enough to go in to an environment which isn’t the most comfortable for you that wins you “cool points” in my book.
Take him and enjoy it. It can be a very worthwhile experience for both of you and who knows you make make a life long cultural connection while there.
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I just found your blog and can’t wait until I have the time to sit down and read it page by page. I started with the questions and this one about the barber shop really struck me. I am the proud mother of 4 children, 2 African-American boys who were both adopted at birth. When we lived in Chicago, I took them to the barbershop starting when they each turned one. I am white and despite my pathetic attempts to be hip, I am about as uncool as can be.
I have found the barber shop to be the most amazing place I have taken my boys. I have never been made to feel uncool or our of place. Everyone knows why I’m there and I think they appreciate that I am bringing the boys. Not only have both the barbers and the customers been accepting, they have been really wonderful. (We actually go back and visit the barber we used to go to when we lived in Chicago on our trips back home)
From attitudes about racism to where to go for the best red velvet cake, I always leave feeling like I have learned something I never would have learned somewhere else. While we have so much love for our kids, I know that there are cultural things that I can just never give them. It may sound silly but I truly feel like they do get something cultural from every hair cut.
We have been lazy since our move a year ago and have yet to find a good local barber. Reading this post and writing this has motivated me to quit Super Cuts and get back on track. Thanks!
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Stay away from Super Cuts way away from Super Cuts.
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Mr. Hofmann,
You and I spoke on a panel together awhile back. I’m a TRA and an adoption social worker. I’m interested in talking with you more. Is there a way we can connect?
Thank you for all you do to help educate families. Sharing your personal experiences has been enriching to many.
Please email me.
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Hi Kevin,
I just ordered your book moments ago and I am so looking forward to reading it!
Here is our situation, and I am hoping for another opinion on the subject.
My partner and I recently adopted a BEAUTIFUL baby boy a few months ago. It is a closed adoption at the request of the bio mom so we have very limited information on his background.
We know our son’s birth mom is half AA, half Puerto Rican. His father’s identity is unknown both to us and bio mom but it is clear he too is bi-racial.
Here is my question:
Our son is being raised in a happy, loving and stable -financially and emotionally- home with two people who ADORE him and an extended family/friends who just can’t get enough of him.
While these are all positives I have to say I am concerned about all of the “otherness” that he will face in the future:
– white, lesbian mothers,
– bi-racial (with unknown origins) and
– the child of an interfaith couple.
My partner is Jewish and our son will be raised in both the Jewish and Unitarian faiths – he will ultimately decide what path is right for him. I however was raised Catholic and my side of the family is Italian and staunch Catholics.
Again, this is admittedly A LOT of otherness to put on one child. We do live in the most diverse area in the entire country and people don’t think twice about the three of us strolling down the street. But it also has to carry a psychological burden. What advice do you have about helping him connect to a culture when we don’t exactly know what that culture is?
Additionally, what we do know about his birth mom is troubling at best. He will have to know about her past at some point because it could potentially effect his own health. We want to put as positive a spin on his biological past but the details are murky at best.
Any comments or suggestions are appreciated!
Thank you,
Kristin
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Kristin,
I can’t tell you what culture to connect to because I honestly don’t know. The only suggestion I have is this. Simply by looking at him what will society perceive him as?
Since people looked at me and perceived me as black, and I looked black I felt more comfortable being a part of the black community. Unfortunately, there wasn’t and isn’t a large biracial community so I was forced to chose. In your environment I am not sure how he will be perceived.
Although the story of his mother is not a pleasant one it is what it is. I know there is a temptation there to dress it up but I strongly feel honesty with compassion and sensitivity is the best way to go.
I hope that helps.
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Jaclyn,
Anyone can always reach me off site @ Kevin8967@sbcglobal.net
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I can’t wait to read your book. I’m an adoptive parent and I have a private blog where I discuss my education through reading transracially adopted adults blogs and adoption material in general. I’m hoping to link to your blog to help my readers (just family and friends) learn from you as well. Thanks!
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Here is my question, Kevin, maybe you can direct me to a resource. I am white and my husband is not. Most people question his ethnicity and think he is all sorts of varieties (AA, Hispanic, Hawaiian…), but everyone is clear that he’s not white (actually Puerto Rican biracial). Our adopted daughter is a different biracial combination than he is (Mexican/AA) but ironically, looks very much like my husband. So what I’m always wondering is whether my daughter’s experience will “feel” like a transracial adoption situation or not…So as long as she is too young for me to ask her what she thinks, I’m wondering if you have an opinion or suggested resources that would talk about the situation of having one parent who looks like you and one who does not.
Thanks
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Nancy,
I don’t know of any resource that is that specific. My advice would be the same as any transracial family. Connecting her to her Mexican culture is very important. The temptation to ignore culture because she has a dad who looks like her should be resisted. In the end although she has a parent that looks like her she is still a transracial adoptee. It goes deeper than just having someone who looks like you, although having a parent who looks like you will cut down on the comments from strangers, she still has the needs of a transracial adoptee, being connected with her culture and not feeling like the different one.
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Hi Kevin,I love your blog! It’s so very thought provoking to me. I feel like our agency gave us good training on transracial parenting, so I feel like we went into our adoption of our son from India with our eyes wide open. Being in India, and being the minority for the first time in our lives was truly an experience that we treasure. We stuck out not only for our skin color, but our dress (even though I tried to wear Indian dress), our actions, and our language. I will never forget our experiences there. Time and space and reality has hit since our adoption, and we are now living in a very non-diverse area due to my husband’s job. We are desperately looking for jobs in a more diverse area…but so far nothing. Can you possibly address how families like ours can really work to create positive experiences for our children, when circumstances beyond our control prevent us from making that drastic step of a move? (When we initially adopted, we lived in a VERY diverse area with many races, cultures, and tons of adoptive families. Life is cruel sometimes, you know?) Also, when I do see people out and about, I’m dying to ask them where they attend church…so we can find as much of a diverse congregation as possible here….but I can’t seem to choke it out. I’ve got myself convinced they will not approve of our family…etc. etc. What advice do you have for me on that subject?Thanks again for all your insight. It’s so refreshing.Pam
+1
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Pam,
I am thinking about writing a script for my TRA families. lol. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and this is what I think.
A large reason why some families of color would not approve of your family is because there is the assumption that you will try and raise this child of color as if they are white. To extinguish that, I would approach them and explain you are a mother who adopted a child of color and you know how important it is to make sure your child has a connection with people of color. Then I would ask them, “Do you know of any organizations, teams, etc, that I can connect with so that my child can be around more children and role models that look like them?”
In a nut shell you are making it known that you “get it.” I think that changes the way you are seen and I can’t see why someone wouldn’t want to help you.
Let me know how it goes.
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Kevin,
At the end of your book, you are deeply moved by the inauguration of Barack Obama. Were any of your thoughts that day to the fact that he was raised by white parents and grandparents?
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Bob,
Not really. Growing up in such a black and white environment, I have always seen myself and other biracial people as black so I didn’t really have a lot of thoughts about his white background. That is not to say it didn’t matter, but I wasn’t doing a lot of thinking about his black father either.
I saw him as a black man who had done the impossible and reflecting on all I had been through in regards to race. It was an unobtainable dream that was a reality and I knew that would change the world for my two black sons.
It was a day to just be happy and proud to be a black man in America.
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Thanks Kevin.
I shed tears that night because I knew that I could now tell my daughter, without an asterisk, that she could be anything she wanted to be when she grew up.
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Kevin,
I feel like I am the only one that almost regrets biting into the elephant. Everyone is so excited about all this information. I was too at first, and I know I will be again (hopefully) maybe its because my girls are older, or because I have one that loves to banter with me to the point of irritation. I am getting them out there amongst their culture, and getting them books to read, I hear my daughter saying “that sucks” and “thats not fair” while she’s reading about famous African American baseball players of past, who were not treated the same as “white” players. Who white players did not want to get their picture taken with……. I feel like I’m planting “prejudice and hate” where “love for all” use to be. Her black friends at school are doing a good enough job of that already, (another subject for discussion). Its one thing to hear it from other kids at school, then to actually read it in a book! We have talked about MLK, segregated busing, things she has learned in school. She was really perplexed by all of it and the “why” of it. Now she is getting old enough to understand and contemplate what it all means. Her rose colored glasses are coming off and I do not like what she sees. I know I am being selfish, I want her to see the good in everyone, to see them for their self, not judge them on their color first. I do not want her to think she is judged, by color first, but by her personality and manners. I know, it would be a great thought, only if everyone else thought the same way.
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Debi, I know it’s been a long time since you posted this, but I am also right in the middle of this experience with my middle son who is now 8 and really starting to “get it” in terms of how terrible racism is and how it isn’t just in the past. It’s a tough journey to sit with him through this awakening of sorts. I am wondering about what this journey is like for a black child being raised in a black family – what, if any, are the likely differences in their processing of this awareness given their family members likely went through it too as kids. Not sure. Since we live in a largly black community, it is something I need/want to talk to other parents about. Thanks for describing it and reminding me of some things I need to keep talking about with all 3 of my children (2 AA and 1 white).
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Hi Kevin,
When I was doing my adoption prep I read many books about trans-racial adoption. I have less time for that now that I am chasing a toddler, but I really enjoy your blog.
I appreciate that you are one of the few Christian authors that I have found, and I wonder how you are using your faith to filter your experience? I ask because I noticed that many of the books I have read came from people who did not profess a belief in God, and at times I struggled to sort out what in their opinions really reflected God’s view of people, race, adoption, pain, etc, and what was coming from a view of the world that I didn’t agree with.
I am a firm believer that God doesn’t expect us to hide our pain or our struggles, and I’m glad that you don’t. However, I also know that he is a God who offers comfort, hope and redemption of pain, and I often found that part missing in the books I read. I would love to hear your thoughts on this!
Thank you,
Amy
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I have recently discovered that my faith has given me “the peace that passes all understanding,” on a lot of issues so where someone may be angry about a certain painful issue, I have peace.
This doesn’t mean that I am not affected by the circumstances in my life that have caused me pain or that I don’t struggle with things because I do. But there are some major issues that could cause me external grief and pain that I have peace about.
The book doesn’t explore this but it is written from a positive place where anger and pain don’t color my experiences.
Does that make sense?
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Yes, but I think I didn’t explain my question well. I am not questioning the perspective that your writings come from.
I was asking, as a Christian, when you approach the writings of others- adoptees, social workers, adoptive parents, etc, who are not Christians (and I’m sure this must happen a lot as you speak about your experiences at conferences), how much time have you have had to put in to filter the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.
Am I making more sense?
I ask because it is something that is hard for me when I read on adoption, and I was wondering if you had more insight since you do it more often.
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When I sit down to prepare for a presentation, God instructs me as to what to say and how its said so I spend very little time filtering.
There are times when I speak and it is easy to see my Christian influence and times when I don’t bring it up, but I am always speaking from a Christian perspective.
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I’m impressed with how fast you are. Again, I must not be making myself very clear. I’m not asking about how you “filter” what comes out of your mouth, I understand that you are speaking from a Christian perspective and I have not been questioning that at all.
I’m asking how you “filter” what you take in from others who are not Christians.
(as a Christian, *when you approach the writings of others- adoptees, social workers, adoptive parents, etc, who are not Christians* (and I’m sure this must happen a lot as you speak about your experiences at conferences), how much time have you have had to put in to filter the wheat from the chaff, so to speak).
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Amy,
Let me try this again. sorry! ;0
As I wrote in today’s post, it often may take a few days to sink in what they are really saying and what is worth keeping and what is not. I chew on it for a few days and I have confidence that the information I am meant to hang on to stays with me and the other info is forgotten.
It is my belief again I don’t have to spend a lot of time filtering. God directs in one way or another the things I should keep and those things I shouldn’t
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Thanks! That is exactly what I was wondering.
I would love it if you would do a post in the future about things you have had to “forget” because they don’t mesh with your Christian world view (claims, attitudes, etc).
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Hi Kevin!
I love your blog and your book..thanks for sharing!
I am the mom to three incredibly beautiful transracial adoptees (two Latino, one Asian) and I’m also a student pursuing my degree in social work. One of my courses this fall requires us to do a project in which we try to fill a need in our society. Our local adoption agency is sorely lacking in their transracial adoptive parent training program. I’m developing a program I hope they’ll want to participate in.
In order to “sell” them on the idea, I’m hoping to gather quote from adult transracial adoptees. Would you be willing to give me a quote about the challenges you faced growing up?
Thank you,
Michelle Newman
tmnewman@chartermi.net
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Hi Kevin.
I enjoy reading your blog and I am so thankful to you for the time you to take to educate us on transracial adoption. Here is my question. I have a son who we adopted at birth. He is black and my husband and I and our 2 older children are white. When referring to my son’s race I will usually say he is black rather than saying African American. Is it offensive for me to call my son black rather than say African American? It is amazing how many people will try to give us advice about raising our son and what we should and should not say (most of these people have not adopted before but for some reason they think they know what is best). I have had people tell me that it is offensive to call him black and I should say African American. Is it offensive for me, a white mom, to call her son black?
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To me the term Black and African American are interchangeable. I will answer to either and take no offense to either.
I think we are in a transitional period with the two terms just like we were in the 60’s and 70’s when we were transitioning from Negro to Black.
I think it’s a personal preference. For instance my son, prefers the term African American and really takes offense to black. It appears to be a generational thing a lot of the time.
The p c term today is AA. So if you use AA, no one is offended but using black you run the risk of offending someone. Many feel AA is more respectful.
I am sorry my answer isn’t really clear on this one because I don’t make a big distinction between the two.
Thinking about it, when I am with Black people I use “black.” But When I am with White people, I will often use AA and I am not sure why. I think it has to do with the respect thing. So the safe answer is to use AA.
Also rarely do I refer to white people as Caucasian and shouldn’t it be a rule that if I refer to Blacks as AA that I should also refer to Whites as Caucasian?
I would be interested to see the reasoning from those who object to black.
In the end, I would just ask your son what he is comfortable with and use that.
Sorry I would like to be more clear but really don’t have strong feelings either way.
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My son is only 1 so right now I can’t ask him what he would prefer. Thanks for you insight!
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Hi Kevin,
Went on your website to catch up on how things are progressing with your journey and book. My nephew and his wife are currently fostering to adopt a bi-racial child. It appears the birth mother is going to allow them to adopt him.
She has 5 other children that have been in and out of foster care due to her substance abuse issues and was abusing drugs while pregnant with Colton. You’re one blog where you discussed the fact that the adoptee parents should be mindful of how they project their feelings about the birth mother, you are exactly right. Colton’s birth mother has problems now and hopefully someday she will tackle her demons. When her other 5 children get visitation with her they are thrilled and overjoyed when they see her, because they LOVE there mother, despite the hardships they’ve endured as a result of her drug abuse.She’s still their Mom. Say what you will of her, but it appears at least with this child, she appears she is loving him enough to let him go to a home where he will have a chance at a better life. Colton has brought great joy into My Nephew & Wife’s life and the rest of the family. I am grateful for the give the Birth Mother has given us. I will give my Nephew and his wife your blog info. for insight from you and others as they progress on this journey.
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Love the way God works, and his timing. I just found a woman to do my girls hair, who works from her home and will not charge me an arm and a leg for keeping their hair looking good! What a blessing she is!!! In talking to her, I was shocked at some of the things she said, being black she said she never experienced prejudice living in Tennessee, then she moved here to Houston, married and had children and she was so taken back by the school district and how they treated her children……… I thought, Texas, being, white is a minority here, would be so open, we are a melting pot. Even in the suburb where we live.
She was upset when I told her how much flack I caught because I kept my girls hair in a short afro when they were little because we had a pool and swam every day. That I had social workers telling me “we don’t cut our hair”. She said “who’s we? You did what worked for you and thats all that matters”. I laughed and told her I had to take a class on “fostering kids of color”. And was basically told, I could not cut their hair any more (until we adopted them). It was so nice to talk to her, she is the second family I have met that told me their sons hang out mostly with black kids and their daughters do not let color interfere. Her daughter is in band and hangs out with the kids in the band. I love hearing that! Makes me feel like their is hope……. We are in the process of adopting three more girls, siblings, and hopefully a baby boy, all are Hispanic, and my husband is so disappointed that none of them remember their first language, he is Hispanic too.
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Sigh…what a breath of fresh air…
I have been reading for weeks as my husband and I prepare for adoption. We will be adopting a child of full african american hertitage (that is the greatest need in our area through the crisis pregnancy center we are going through). So far, I have read sooo much information from adoptees, birthmoms, and adoptive parents and will continue to do so. Some of the information has been very hard to digest –but I have respected the views from all parts of the adoption triangle. Like another post before me, I struggled with reading blogs from a “non-Christian” perspective. While I understand that there are many walks of life in our society and that all perspectives should be valued… I have been looking for an adoptees perspective that was truly emersed in their faith. What a breath of fresh air you are. Admittedly, I haven’t ready all of your blog yet–but intend to–and I am just grateful to add your story and thoughts into my bookshelf of knowledge.
My husband and I live in Memphis and are currently in a diverse neighborhood–but our church is predominately white (between 80-85%). We are currently taking strides to begin working with leaders and departments within the church to change this dynamic (to my surprise–the church leadership is already working with an outside consultant to better understand how our church can be more attractive and engaging to the African American community all around us). My question to you, as our church embarks on this journey, is what advice would you give to a predominately white church — in a majority black city — to help them to create more diversity in their congregation. I would love your feedback. I know you don’t have a lot of information to work on… but any information would be greatly appreciated. We are the largest church in the area and our church has great events that seem to draw large crowds of AA couples (especially in our young marrieds department and in our marriage prep courses) but our congregation and sunday school classes are still lacking the desired diversity. Being involved in this endeavor to change the face of our congregation is something that God has truly laid on my heart. It is my belief that if our church in a predominately black city is still made up of a white communicty–then we must be missing something–even though we reach out to our city in so many great ways. Thanks in advance for any help.
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What you have to do is create an environment where they feel comfortable so it means changing music, singing more gospel and having people of color in high respected positions.
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Dear Kevin,
I read your book and it was very helpful. Thank you for writing it. You appear to be trying to just tell it as you see it, rather than label yourself with one side or another on a number of complex issues. I am amazed that you are actually answering questions on your blog. You are doing an enormous service to educate people, myself included, who desperately need the information. I wonder if you may be able to give me one specific opinion. Please bear with me because the question takes a little explanation.
I have adopted two children from orphanages. Both are “domestic adoptions” because I live in the country they come from (the Czech Republic), although I am originally from the US. The children come from an ethnic minority (Roma) which faces extreme discrimination and racism in this country (read: the schools are still systematically racially segregated, demonstrations by hate groups are common, it is rare that Romani children without families are adopted and many remain in orphanages until age 18). I would leave the country with the children if I could but it is financially and logistically impossible. One positive thing: there is no money involved in adoption here, whatsoever, which is how someone without great financial resources became an adoptive parent.
My concern is how to best compensate my children for the cultural losses transracial adoption incurs and at the same time give them the extensive defenses needed to survive in a very overtly racist society. I have hired a Romani-speaking person to teach the Romani language to the children. I also do all the obvious stuff with music, food, dolls, books, festivals, events and activities for Romani children and other easy cultural stuff. The social divide is such that, so far we have no true Romani friends. Our Romani language teacher is very nervous around us and we are slowly trying to reassure her and have at least a less tense relationship. The Romani minority is only 3 percent and it isn’t possible to find a “diverse” place to live in this country, so I haven’t moved, but there are no Roma who live close by.
My oldest is now 3. My youngest is 15 months. Neither of them are easily identifiable as Roma, being somewhat light in coloring. For an American the whole controversy would look ridiculous, given that Roma are not all that different from Europeans. But the issues still remain, because the society views them as “black”, in fact using that very word.
So, people here do notice this otherwise tiny difference in this country and even if they didn’t notice, my children will still hear negative rhetoric about their Romani background, probably daily in this society, once they leave our house. And unless I lie to them about their background, they will know those comments are directed at them, whether the speaker knows their background or not. At the moment, my oldest lives in the world of Sesame Street and when asked to pick out herself in an illustration of children of different colors, she readily chooses a mid-brown girl, as long as she has long hair. She generally chooses a picture that is far darker than she is. If asked what the name of a brown doll of whatever race (including dark brown with African features), she will declare that it is her. If offered a blonde or otherwise overly white doll, she will say that it is one of her blonde friends. I infer from this that she is developing a non-white identity without anyone telling her that she should.
I apologize for the length of my post. My last bit of background information is that I grew up in a rural, even remote, area in Oregon and was visibly visually impaired. I experienced a lot rejection at school and I took comfort in being different from the others, who I did not like. To this day, I don’t understand the impulse of so many people to try to blend in and be the same. So, I naturally lean toward emphasizing difference with my children, I don’t bring up the issue without a reason but I don’t shrink from it either.
I have become concerned that I may be over-emphasizing my children’s background, particularly because my children may never be labeled as Roma in this society unless I or they reveal the fact. Attitudes toward other non-white people, although not ideal, are much much less vicious than attitudes toward Roma specifically here. So, it makes me wonder how much I should emphasize my children’s ethnic background to them in private or how much I should declare it (such as when asked on forms for school) in public. Some, such as my husband, certainly seem to think I overemphasize it and warn me that my children will primarily want to “be like everyone else,” which I simply think will not be possible. I worry that they will need a solid sense of identity more than they will need a comfortable illusion of being “the same.” Perhaps it is too individual of a question to ask you, but I wonder what your opinion would be. How do I know if I’m overdoing it?
Again, thank you for the work you do.
A.F.
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A.F.
You are right your situation has many many similarities to Black/White transracial adoption as well as any transracial adoption and yours too would be considered a transracial/transcultural adoption. I think you are on the right track. I would never agree to hiding a child’s racial background from them. I would be very open about it and discuss it with them. At the age they are now you begin to celebrate these wonderful differences which will send the message that different doesn’t equal bad. So you point out their different skin tone and tell them how beautiful it is. Your job is to counterbalance what society will eventually try to tell them so now you work on raising very confident, proud, self assured, children so when(not if) society tells them they are not as good, that confidence you help them build will help prop them up. As they get older you casually explain to them how society views the Roma and you continue to instill in them the pride that comes with being Roma. When you see incidents that involve prejudice against Roma you point it out and prepare them for what will affect them some day. Then you leave the door open and create an environment where they feel comfortable talking about race and culture so that when they are treated badly because of their race you can help talk them through it. If you ignore the race issue it sends the message this is not something to talk about and they will be left to struggle with this very very complex issue on their own often concluding that they are less then others, internalizing this unfair treatment and concluding those small minds that think this way must be right.
Lastly, it is vital that you connect with other Roma. The teacher you already have could really develop in to something special. Don’t give up on that relationship just give it time to grow. This teacher may also be able to put you in touch with others who can help step in and be mentors to your children.
Again, I think you are on the right path and the way your daughter identifies as non-white is a positive thing and shows you are doing something right. To answer your question, No I don’t think you are over-empathizing this issue. I applaud you for noticing the issues and your desire to address them now.
If I can help in any other way or you have any other questions please let me know.
Kevin
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My situation is similar to transracial adoptee but slightly different. I am mixed (European and black) but have never had contact with my dad’s black side of the family(ass hole one time sperm donor from my moms vacation to Jamaica).
As a result, I was raised entirely by my mom’s European family in a white neighbourhood.
My internal identity is Hungarian-Canadian.
But Society sees me as brown(as my features tend to be interpreted as more Indian than mixed, oddly)
My unique problem presents itself in the dating world.
I just want to know if you have heard of other adult transracials with consistent dating problems like this where they have trouble getting a date.
Now, my interests tend to be very “white”(Rock music, grunge, punk, metal, electric guitar, d-I-y, tattoos, counterculture) and I belong to a very white-dominated counterculture(punk rock). Now, I looove my counterculture and have no desire to abandon it, but…
Naturally, when dating I look for women with common interests…who the vast majority of the time happen to be white…
But get consistently pursued by other minorities who I often feel i have nothing in common with( very few of them are rockers or would understand or appreciate punk lifestyle/values) because they see me as “one of them”.
And I message soooo many women online who like the same things I do, only to be ignored time after time after time… And this has been going on for three years where I’ve been constantly trying to get dates and getting rejected.
I feel like it doesn’t matter how much I have in common with a white girl; she will always see me as unapealing.
I am using online dating, mind you, as I don’t know where to meet other lesbians…so maybe people are more racist online than in person?
Do you know of any other transracials with dating barriers against dating their own culture?
And how did they overcome them and find a life partner anyways? Or did they?
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I have a question. Do you think that someone who is of color has the inability to look beyond similar likes? Just as you are frustrated with others who fail to look beyond your difference in color it appears you are doing the same to those who show interest but have a different background.
Yes this a very very common issue with TRAs. Many feel kinda caught in between two very different worlds. It was my experience that I was often accepted with no issue among white girls as friends but once I tried to pursue anything beyond a friendship there was an issue.
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Hi, Kevin: I’m new to your blog and as an adopted mother of a biracial son, I’m thrilled to have this resource. My oldest son is black and hispanic and he is the light of our life. A few months after we adopted him (and after 10 years of infertility) we became pregnant with our second son. So I have two boys 11 months a part, and even though they are ages 1 and 2 I am already overthinking some of the challenges they will face in school someday…defending themselves as brothers to their peers, our oldest son feeling different because he was adopted and our younger son feelign not as special because he was not! I want to be certain that we introduce the idea of ethnicity/race at an early age so things don’t come as much as a suprise. My two year old can already tell people that he was born in his mommy’s heart, so I think that’s a great first step. But I want to ensure we continue down the right path for both the boys. We’re looking forward to getting your book and we appreciate this reach out you’re doing!
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Thanks Addie! Keep putting in the work it will pay off. Start early and often with the talks on race at an age appropriate level.
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