Recently I sat down and tried to compute the amount of exposure I had to children of color while growing up. Below is the math behind the exposure.
AGE EXPOSURE
0-3 None
3-8 Approximately 6 hours/day for 5 years (10,950 hours)
8-18 Approximately 4-5 hrs/day for 10 years (16,425 hours)
************************************************************************
Over first 18 years of my life 27,375 hours
or 1140.625 days, or 3.125 years of constant 24/7 exposure.
Once I saw the numbers I was in shock. This was the formula that allowed me access to a culture I would know nothing about without this exposure. Looking up at this number is like sitting at the base of a mountain looking straight up trying to see the top. It is overwhelming, and frustrating. How do I get those of you who read my blog to get close to these numbers? Then even more questions came flooding in.
What is enough exposure? Is 5 hours a week enough? What number will tip the scales in favor of a more connected life?
Is this transracial thing really doable? Can parents strike the right balance and give their transracial children enough exposure? Am I asking parents to do what is simply impossible? If a transracial family lives in an all white environment how can they possibly get the exposure their child needs?
I sat and chewed on this for several days. Who’s to say my exposure is the right balance? Could we get away with ½ of those numbers? How do we do it? I get asked that a lot by transracial parents. After seeing the numbers I wonder if striking this balance is possible.
After several more days of chewing, an old cliche came to mind. “How do you eat an elephant? ONE BITE AT A TIME.” Never attempting to raise the fork to your mouth will assure the elephant stays whole.
So where do we start? First, we have to know where we are. To this point, I have talked about the importance of exposing your child to their culture and I wrote about the importance of having a measurable Cultural Connection Plan(ccp). I have talked about the fact that developing those connections must be intentional, and I have explained what racial isolation is and how that can be a hellish experience for a child of color.
What is your Cultural Exposure Time(CET)? How many hours a week do you spend in activities that expose your child of color to their culture? Just as I broke my numbers down this will help you really understand where you are and it provides an easy measurable way to increase that exposure.
Grab the fork and let’s dig in. It is time to get to work. For those who are interested, I would like to try something a bit more interactive. The first 10 families that email me I will partner with them over the next four weeks to help them set up a plan to increase their CET. Each week I will email you homework once a week and I will be available for questions and discussions via email. After the four week I will report back overall how we did and the families can also respond as to what they did and how and if it helped.
Forks up…..Lets go.
E-mail me @ Kevin8967@sbcglobal.net——THE CLASS HAS BEEN FILLED. THANKS EVERYONE FOR YOUR INTEREST.
Just not sure that skintone defines a culture. Culture is about behavior, traditions, and attitudes, not just appearances and pigment, right?
LikeLike
You’re right. Skin tone doesn’t define a culture but a child from Ethiopia will be seen by society as black. So what the the challenges for the black child. Being exposed to others who are black can give them a group where they can share like american experiences, a group that can relate to what they are going through which is invaluable.
LikeLike
Skintone doesn’t define culture. If you have an Indian kid- expose him to Indian culture. If you have a Chinese kid- expose him to Chinese culture. If you have a Black/African-American kid, expose him to Black culture. If you have a Puerto Rican kid, expose him to Puerto Rican culture. In short, allow him to feel comfortable like he fits in with other people who are of his cultural descent. All of these people have brown skin.
LikeLike
I’ve got a baby in the hospital right now, and so this might not be the best week for me to plunge in and go on record, but I really really want the HW assignments!
As far as “culture” goes for our Ethiopian son, I think a good start is spending time with other ethiopian adoptive families on a weekly basis. Want to see what else you suggest though…
LikeLike
I think I read you post about this, Culture Exposure Plan somewhere else– Transracial Parenting perhaps? It got me thinking and working when I saw it there– so I’d like to participate and I thank you for your generous offer!
My daughters, both adopted from China- toddler aged, are now not quite 4-years and 2-1/2 years. I am also a stepmom to two biracial, Hispanic/Dutch, teens. We have shared physical custody of my stepkids and they are at our home more often than they are not. Dh and I are both white.
What I have so far:
The town where we live is not very diverse, although where we live in our town is likely the most diverse area– mostly AA and caucasion. With the real estate market the way it is, selling really isn’t an option– as much as I would like to. We never planned to stay where we are– but we are stuck right now.
We switched churches to one that is more diverse. Right now, the girls do not attend regularly. I prefer to wait until they are out of the “nursery school” age range.
Playgroup with other families who adopted from China. There are seven families with 9 daughters adopted from China. We get together (not all of us all the time) about every couple of weeks or so for simple playdates.
Community Center where DD#1 takes swimming lessons– the class is not diverse at her age, but other classes that are going on at the same time as hers are more diverse– ~60% white students and 40% kids of various other ethnicity. If the diversity in their classes does not increase as the girls get older, I may switch to a differnt community center that is a little further away but is a whole lot more diverse.
Several DVDs of Chinese dance and sing that they love and watch several times a week; Little Pim Mandarin that they watch not quite as often.
Daycare- they both attend full time, 7-hours a day. Out of ~20 kids in DD1 class there are three Asian kids (including her). DD#2’s class there is one other Asian kid in her class and one teacher is a POC. I do realize this is not ideal– I’m simply giving you the facts. The school does have functions where parents/grandparents come in and participate to read stories or something similar.
DD#2 has hearing loss. One of her therapists is Chinese– simple luck on that– which is working out nicely.
China Care Bears hosted by a University– chinese college student pair up with the girls as playmates and mentors when they are older. This group meets 1-2 times a month during the academic year.
I am working on organizing a preschool Mandarin class with some of our playgroup families– taught by a Chinese person of course. I hope to have that started in the month– meeting weekly or bi-weekly.
I have learned to cook some Chinese dishes– they are admittedly not as good as the food we ate while in China– but I am working on it. I try to cook at least one dish a week– I am better at doing this in the Winter– but I tend to spend more time cooking period in the Wintet than in the summer.
We also celebrate the big Chinese Holidays and I am working toward celebrating some of the smaller ones.
DD#2 was in a foster home in China. We were very fortunate in being able to meet with her foster family while we were in China. Her Foster parents are two of the most wonderful, genuine people I have ever met. I am frequent contact with them via email (about once a month). I use an on-line interpreter- not perfect, but it is working well enough.
Skin tones? Skin tones may not define a culture– but society as a whole is likely to assign a culture to people based on their skin tone and appearance. This is what AP need to work on in preparing our children to handle as they grow into adulthood. IMO.
LikeLike
interesting post… the question it raised for me is what about adopted children’s who are obviously biracial but their culture is unknown. You can tell my son is of mixed race but his father is unknown and there are several possibilities for his race…..
LikeLike
Kevin – interesting approach. It’s hard to say for our family in terms of time since I feel we are immersed most of the time. We walk outside and see all kinds of people taking walks, running, walking their dogs, working in the yard, biking, playing in the front yard, etc. We go to the store and the pharmacist, customers, clerks etc. are all shades and cultures. One of my son’s football team is 99% African American – over 200 boys, 100 girls and 80 coaches/volunteers. The schools my kids attend in our neighborhood are majority black until the 4th grade. Starting in 5th grade when all the elementary schools merge, it’s more 50/50. They have teachers who are black and everything else. We have neighbors who are Jewish, Muslim, gay, Mexican, etc; we have friends of all races and cultures and there are many multi-racial families in our community – by adoption and every other way. I feel so very blessed that I live here – and it was an intentional choice – we moved and left a house, neighborhood and community that we loved and that I sometimes still miss. But I would not trade this for anything. Thanks for pushing people to really think about these things and struggle to do what is best for their children and their families. As you know we have a white bio son also and I wonder how living like this impacts him too. We do have a clear emphasis in our home on “all things black” and I wonder sometimes what that is like for him as a white person. The conversation continues!
LikeLike
Hi Kevin,
I agree that the typical white person is only going to “see” a black person regardless of their origins, as they will only “see” an Asian regardless of whether they are Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, Japanese etc. But those are very different cultures, and that exists in black culture too. We attended an Episcopal church in NJ that had about 60% black members – but they were composed of multi-generational Americans, and 1st and 2nd generation Carribean and African immigrants, and those were 3 very different cultures, regardless of how they were viewed by an outsider. I got to appreciate the differences (and got an earful of how they each though things should be done in church meetings.)
Culture is also dynamic, and what is available here for parents of Asian kids is often quite different from the fast changing world of their native countries. Many teachers are older immigrants and their view of their country is somewhat frozen in time.
Not an excuse, but even within a country there are major cultural variations. As a yankee, there are southerners I can barely understand. My daughters are Chinese, but one is Han (the dominant ethnic group) and the other is southern/Cantonese. They would have spoken mutually incomprehensible dialects. One has a visible special need that may have left her barely able to gain employment, marriage, or relegated to a life as a begger.
But yes, we do think it’s important that they have adult role models and other kids, it’s not just that simple.
LikeLike
Jennifer,
I agree it isn’t that simple but we have to start somewhere. Teaching your children how to navigate life in America as a minority is most important and it is my belief that being around children and adults who are experiencing a similar life is important.
So although I may not be able to find a Ethiopian I can find a black person in America that knows what it is like to be black in America.
Transracial adoption isn’t simple at all and often times can be an overwhelming task but again we have to start somewhere.
LikeLike
Being the only “white” one in our house, others are, my husband Mexican, adopted daughters black, foster kids all Hispanic (Mexican, Guatemalan), it is a on going conversation in our house about race, color, music, beliefs, traditions, culture……
After reading your book (didn’t put it down until I finished it, awesome writing), I was thinking about it, like I said you took me outside my comfort zone in more ways than one. I would not know how to act in a all white environment for long. My husband can go to Mexico and visit but feels the difference. Our girls, I do not think could survive in a all black community either. I know they are comfortable with my family, they like going to Mexico, and they enjoy people from their culture too. I like to think variety is the spice of life!!
Our community is very diverse, go outside and you will hear Spanish music blaring from a garage, rap music thumping from a car and more quietly, my gospel music as you enter my car, an Asian man walking a couple of lab’s, another person of color (race unknown) at the mail box.
We live in Houston, Texas where you will find every race, creed and color! I like it that way……
LikeLike
I want to increase my daughters’ CET, but I honestly don’t know where to begin. We have an exchange student right now, from their country of birth, and have moved to an Asian hairdresser to cut our hair, but other than that…not much. We have older adoptees in our lives (and in our home often), but they only look Asian — inside they are 100% dutch!
LikeLike
Kevin, I’m impressed and moved by your willingness to connect with the first ten families that emailed you. I hope the parents recognize what a gift you are giving and make the most of this opportunity.
I am a single, white adoptive mother to two Black sons, now 10 and 16. I was intentional in developing my own cultural connection plan. I was recently updating my list and I’d like to email it to you as an example of what I’ve used in case it also benefits families you support.
Interestingly, the one area of connection I avoided until last year was church. I had previous negative experiences as a teen. Then, my sons received awards from the Black Educator Alliance of our school district. The MC of the event was a pastor. My youngest son, recipient of the Dr. Mae Jamison award for academic excellence (proud Mom here) kept saying “Amen!”. I decided to give church another try. I went for my sons. And then was surprised and thankful to find the message of God’s grace and mercy was for me!
I’ve appreciated your faith-based FB posts. I’ve long been a believer when it comes to equity work, connections with the communities of origins of my sons and the importance of belonging to an adoption community where both adults and kids can make close friendships. The surprise for me has been a renewal in my faith as a result of challenges faced. God bless and keep you and your family, as you continue to marinate Kevin!
LikeLike