Special, Chosen and Lucky
by Joe Soll, LCSW, DAPA, author of Adoption Healing… a path to recovery, and Co-author of Evil Exchange and Fatal Flight
How many times do we adoptees hear those three words?
They are presumably said with all good intentions, what goes on inside us when we hear them?
If I am special, do I have to follow the rules?
If I am chosen, did I come from a baby supermarket? Why did they pick me?
If I am lucky, what makes me so?
If I am special, why was I available to be chosen?
If I was chosen, did someone unchoose me first?
If I am lucky, why do I hurt so much inside?
If I am special, why does it not feel good when I hear it?
If I am chosen, who were the other contestants?
If am lucky, does that mean my first family was “bad” in some way?
Each time someone says either of those words, it is a reminder that we are adopted. The intent is to make us feel good, not hurt, not think about our natural mothers. Yet each time we hear these words, how can we not on some level think of where we came from? It’s like telling us to not think of pink elephants. Each time we hear the words it causes us internal pain. We may not be conscious of it, but it has to be there.
The reason why we adoptees do so much day-dreaming (which to the uninformed mental health professionals looks like ADD) is because we are constantly (at least unconsciously) trying to figure it all out. Who and why are the biggest unanswered questions and our minds struggle to understand what no one can or will tell us.
There are phobic and counterphobic reactions to pain and fear.
The phobic adoptee tells no one they are adopted.
The counterphobe flaunts being adopted, tells others how special she or he is.
In reality, the loss of our mothers at birth was a trauma of the highest order that is worse than the horrors of war. (Anna Freud) Each time we hear those three words that trauma is stirred up. When we are separated from our mothers we experience their death. There is no difference in losing a mother to death or adoption. Mommy is here, mommy is gone. Poof! Death as far as the infant’s experience goes.
If we are special, does that mean it is good to lose a mom?
If we are chosen, does that mean our parents took us from our mothers on purpose
If we are lucky, does that mean we are lucky our mothers are dead for us?
I like to throw away words that hurt, like the “R” word… Rejection
Maybe we should throw these three words away as well.
Spread the word, throw out “S”, “C” and “L” because they are not what they say they are.
—Joe Soll, LCSW, DAPA, author of Adoption Healing… a path to recovery, and Co-author of Evil Exchange and Fatal Flight
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I got the opportunity to hear Joe speak this weekend at a conference in NYC on the affects of separation on adoptees and first moms. I learned so much about myself and will share further on my blog later this week. As I sat listening to Joe I wished I had a gang of adoptive parents with me so they could hear and understand why some adoptees do what they do.
Thank you for this post. As an adoptive mom, I cringe when I hear these words too. Yes, adoption is beautiful, but those words are so inadequate and inaccurate when talking about it.
My response when people tell me, or my children, how lucky they are, “I’m the lucky one.” But even that’s not the whole truth. And, it doesn’t take away the pain my children feel, or will feel, on any given day about the losses they carry with them.
Thanks for your thoughtful and provocative blog!
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I WISH I COULD OF BEEN THERE!!!
When people tell me that I have a special place in heaven for adopting my girls, I want to scream!!! I tell them “They are not the lucky ones, for some reason God decided to bless US with THEM!! When the girls ask me why we adopted them I say “they were a gift from God and He blessed us so much by giving them to us”. Getting the first one was truly divine intervention, then her sister came a year later. They know their history. I know they love us, but have a hard time struggling with the “well meaning people”.
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What would your thoughts be about the concept that a birthmother gives the adoptive parents a great gift?
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Bob,
The gift idea is again well intentioned but normally when we celebrate something we give gifts. The celebrating of such a deep loss still seems missplaced. I think Joe’s main point is the loss that occurs with every adoption. I think it is important to understand that about adoption and the wording is secondary. If we really understand that, the words go away and explaining things to adoptees and understanding what they are going through becomes much easier.
This adoption stuff is a lot of work!
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I’ve heard the idea from birth/first mothers that the gift being given is that of parents to a child. The child isn’t the gift for the parents, but the other way around.
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Thanks Heidi. That is a new perspective.
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When people used to say how lucky my kids were, I used to say that my husband and I were the lucky ones. But now, if I respond at all, I saw that there’s no luck and no lucky people in adoption. It happens because of tragedies that we all should be working to stop. And when it happens for reasons that none of us could prevent – natural disasters that leave children entirely without families, for example – then we should recognize the losses and never, ever pretend that adoption cancels them out.
Thanks for posting this.
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Would you characterize a family’s celebration of Adoption day or “Gotcha day” on a yearly basis with the same type of disregard for the loss felt by the adoptee as described in this excerpt from Joe Soll’s book? We’re coming up on our first anniversary of I guess what I’d call “Metcha day” and I’ve been pondering what to do. I feel like it’s worth acknowledging each year, I don’t want these milestones to just be another day. But as E get’s older I don’t want them to be misplaced celebrations either.
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Erika,
We marked my daughters first “adoption day” and had some family over. It became like a second birthday party. It wasn’t what we intended at all, so we no longer have anyone over to mark the occasion. I am not sure how we will mark it in the future, except maybe a good time to discuss our kids history, including the pleasant and not so pleasant. I am still processing this concept and am still struggling with it.
When they are young, it’s not such a big deal, but as my kids age, I am thinking and rethinking my approach. About the time I really understand what I am doing right and wrong, my grandkids will be in their adulthood.
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I don’t like the term “gotcha day,” but that’s a whole new story. I guess it’s better to start thinking more along the lines of what this may mean to the child in a deeper sense. It is a great day for the family but could mean something different to the child. This is the day you got them but it is the same day they lost a mother–a tricky situation no doubt.
I’m not sure how you handle that. Sorry.
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We do not celebrate the adoption day. The girls have scrap books and their adoption papers are in there, we have pictures of the adoption with the judge, and when we went out to eat after wards. When they want to look at the books they will go through it at their leisure and ask questions when they want. We even have their before birth certificate, they know their bio-mom and dads names, and have met three of their five siblings. Thats why I feel their is such a difference in a straight adoption and that of one through removal from the home.
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I have to take issue with the idea that there’s no difference between losing a mother to death and adoption. If I had “lost” my mother to adoption, she would still be somewhere. I could call her, write her, talk to her. I would give anything to be able to do that now. She’s been dead for more than a year, and I still think about calling her, then realize that I can’t.
I know some adoptees, especially those adopted before openness, do experience a total loss of a birth family. However, I don’t think it can be categorically stated that all adoptees do or feel anything, anymore than it can be categorically stated that all birthmothers, adoptive mothers, etc. do or feel anything.
As for lucky, I always reply that we’re all lucky. In some cases, a child would have been just fine if he had remained with his birth family. In others, such as that of our son’s, he would not.
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What a great post and comments! We have two daughters adopted from China. Before our first adoption I learned that many Adult Adoptees took offense to the term “Gotcha Day” and quickly quit using it– we simply call it Adoption Day. We feel we need to acknowledge the day in a small way. Our family is very busy and we rarely have time for us to all sit down to dinner together– we make this effort on Adoption Day. That is about it.
Our oldest daughter lived in an orphanage. Our youngest lived in a loving foster home for most of her 2-years before we adopted her just before her 2nd Birthday– Adoption Day was beyond traumatic for her.
Terms like lucky, chosen, special. We haven’t really heard those too much. For lucky– I now tell people that luck has nothing to do with it. We are more likely to hear, “meant to be.” I think this is along the same lines. My MIL was the biggest one to say this and I explained to her that I know she means well, but when she says that, it can be interpreted that “it was meant to be” that our daughters first family and our daughters to suffer in order for us to become their parents.
In terms of the death/adoption analogy– my mom is also deceased– I know we are all different and there is no universal categorical answer for everyone , but I do think in some ways it might be easier for a child who lost a parent to death than to adoption– conceptually– there is a finality to death.
In death (unless it is suicide) the parent didn’t choose to surrender their child as is the case with adoption (let’s assume this is a somewhat ethical adoption).
In death it is final. There are no questions about where the parent may be. With adoption and in a closed adoption, there is always that possibility in addition to the questions an Adoptee has about their first family.
There is no finality and I think that can make it difficult for some Adoptees– there is a lot of ‘wondering’.
I do have a question– how do we talk to our children if we did chose them? We never intended to ‘choose’ a child for our second adoption but it ended up happening that way. We had decided to proceed with a second adoption from China and shortly after we made this decision I happened to see our youngest’s file listed on an adoption site and we went from there. I honestly was not ‘searching’ for ‘my’ child.
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Thanks for posting this. As an adoptive mom I get the “lucky” thing way too often. I’ve always replied “we’re the lucky ones” but lately I’ve been thinking about what my daughter will think – and feel – about my reply when she grows up (she’s 13 months old now).
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I was just thinking… Perhaps we could come up with a spreadsheet for common things that are said to adoptive families, or common hurtful adoption terms, how/why they hurt, and most importantly what a parent can say or teach their kids to say in response that shows the child that you acknowledge their potential pain and here is how we respectfully handle this… It’s always the same things that keep popping up, knowing what to say before it happens can help defuse the emotional sting, not to mention an incredible relationship building tool when all this is discussed with the kids themselves! On my fridge for my school aged kids I’ve got posted the “Wheel of Choices.” The kids consult this pie chart of colorful photos during a conflict to remind them we have choices when it comes to responding, and hitting is not one of the choices (damn). SO why can’t WE come up with the Adoptive Parent Wheel of Responses to RUDE Questions . LOL… Hey Kevin I’ve got a Power point presentation for you half written already!
-Erika (same one as above)
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I just got that one today, “She is so lucky” but you need to know the context. It was at a meeting for special ed parents. The lady in question has a son with autism, so she is not without her own challenges. Because I knew she was saying that with a perspective of knowing the long slog through special ed services – and because I liked her – I only responded “It’s a two-way street”, not with a litany of the losses and traumas my daughter has already encountered in her short life.
I will also mention that lucky has culturally different connotations. I’ve had many Chinese tell me our daughters are lucky, but not in the sense of, “Oh they are so lucky you middle class white people swooped in and saved their little heathen tushies from growing up as dirt poor, godless commies.” It’s more like lucky is an inherent character trait, if given lemons they will always end up drinking lemonade from a crystal glass. They get touched to rub off some luck.
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“I will also mention that lucky has culturally different connotations.”
Jennifer,
I totally agree with this one. My son was born in Ethiopia. We have neighbors from Ethiopia, who often make comments about how our son is blessed and regularly make a real big deal about his adoption from the standpoint about how lucky he is and even how his birthmom was so fortunate to “find us”. I don’t take offense at all from them, as I would if they were American by birth. They know much better than I what it was like to grow up in Ethiopia, so how can I argue with them?
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I’m making up my responses and approaches nearly daily it seems, but I have talked to my daughter, who is a very astute 6yo, about the fact that nobody chooses their parents and that all parents are imperfect, but that I love her always, no matter what. We also talk about the many ways families are made and the ways that families work together and support each other. So far that seems to satisfy her the most, though I know it will be a continuing conversation for life.
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“the loss of our mothers at birth was a trauma of the highest order that is worse than the horrors of war”
Hysterical much?
Adopted kids are no more or less screwed up than non-adopted kids. If you want to blame your troubles on lack of a relationship with a woman you never met, fine. But don’t think you speak for the rest of us.
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@ Content Adoptee
I agree, I know my girls even though we are a mixed racial family, and they know they are loved, are well behaved girls, happy for the most part (starting their tween years), and respect others. They have met their birth mom and the youngest knows she was born on the living room floor because her bio mom was high on crack. She read her de-identified files with her therapist, she has no desire to meet her or her bio dad. Maybe she will change her mind later, she has all the info she needs to find them.
On the other hand I see kids in their schools, in stores and see them constantly in the news, hurting their self or someone else…………. Adoption is not the worse thing that could happen to a child.
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“I have talked to my daughter, who is a very astute 6yo, about the fact that nobody chooses their parents and that all parents are imperfect”
But most parents happen to love the kids they birth, even if they didn’t “choose” them.
Also, the majority of families do not “choose” their kids. They conceive them.
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Wow, adoption akin to losses in war? Greater than atrocities of war?
Have you ever fought on the front line, seen the ravages of hand to hand combat? Watched a fallen comrade scream in unimaginable pain, reduced to a torso with missing limbs? Had to kill or be killed?
Witnessed the slaughtering of an entire village in the name of war ? Seen countries devastated by civil war and strife leading to decades or longer of chaos, disease, poverty & corruption?
Entire families killed, children included, in the same of conquest or war?
NO? I didn’t think so.
Have you felt the pain of sending a child to war and having them come home a vegetable…..or in a coffin? Or not at all……..MIA.
Are you familiar with the Holocaust?
No? Yes?
Then you might wish to select your analogies a bit more carefully.
Are their losses in adoption? Tragedies unfolding…..? I’m sure there are, but to classify one loss with another in such a sweeping one size fits all ( and terribly foolish) flourish is just plain irresponsible.
Good grief.
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brilliant.
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Thanks for sharing that…..
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