Many years ago at the small kitchen table, where I have carved the names; first, middle, and last of all four kids in the family, I sat eating a summer salad Mom had made. I remember sitting quietly while the rest of the family ate and talked. I was engrossed in plucking out the raisins from the salad. The salad had a mayonnaise base and had shredded carrots, diced apples and raisins. On my plate was a stack of raisins, a mound of carrots, and a small hill of apples. The raisins and apples I would eat one by one and the carrots I would shovel to Trixie, our pet Collie, who hovered near my seat under the table. The combination of the tangy mayo and the sweet fruit was a taste I savored. The carrots, I was not so fond of , so I chose this time to practice, “giving unto others.” Trixie and I became close friends because she was always hungry and I was always extra generous at the dinner table.
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As I walk through this life of adoption and as I learn more and more it is easy to see me evolving and changing. My posts are more challenging to adoptive parents and I see the resistance to my more challenging line. In each post, by some comments, I can see the moment a right turn is made away from the more painful topics. So a thread of comments begins about words instead of about the pain that can come with adoption.
What often gets concentrated on are the secondary points of the post and the deeper meaning, that edges closer and closer to sensitive areas, gets avoided.
I can relate with that.
Several months ago, as many know, I received a not so favorable review(John Raible’s review ) from someone I respected in the adoption community. As I read the review, initially, I went numb and then over the next few weeks it was like someone was peeling away my skin piece by piece. It was painful, it hurt, I lost sleep over it, and I was pissed about it. I wanted to pin the reviewer up against the wall and send shots to his abdomen and throat with my raw fists.
Today, I look back on that review and although it still stings, and I must admit some of the scabs have not completely healed, there is a truth that is also painful to admit. In some areas he was right; saying this is like pouring alcohol on a paper cut. This was and is a very important painful part of my journey.
Part of my job and responsibility, as I evolve, is to challenge and push parents to do better, do more, and consider things on a deeper level.
As I sit and pick over that review, I sort things like I did at the kitchen table. I set aside stacks of comments, some sweet and some bitter. I ingest some, and some I dismiss and let the dog take them away. There is another pile that sits on the corner of my plate that I am not sure what to do with yet; they float between sweet and bitter and I don’t have the energy to decide which they are today.
My hope is that those who read my more challenging blogs will do the same. My fear is that once one comment is said that doesn’t sit right the whole dish will be passed under the table. My prayer is that instead, a pile will be created on the corner of your plate and as it marinates there it will be revisited and eventually chewed. My challenge to many is to hold on to the bitter especially; hold on to the comments that really really piss you off because over time as they marinate they may become even sweeter than the pieces you ingested right away.
Kevin, now the real part of your journey begins. God Speed….
Carrie
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Thanks for your painfully honest advice. Hopefully we can all take some of it.
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I always read your blog, the easy, the hard, the humerous, they all have insights. I will never be a perfect parent but I am aware that all 4 of my children’s journey is different from many other kids because all are adopted. As many perspectives as possible will help me marinate (like your veggies) and hopefully my children’s lives will be the better for it.
PS Your comments about feeding Trixie are spot on for my guys. I always wondered why the dog seems more bonded to the children than the adults! LOL
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Ok, so I didn’t read your book YET and I just finally read the review but here is my response… He hit the nail on the head early in his review when he said that your MEMOIR was not meant to be a guide to transracial adoption… that it is simply your memoir. So, for everything else that he says you didn’t do later, it is all answered by that one statement. I think he is just laying the foundation for where your road will take you next. And I’m not surprised… as you were finishing your book, you were already starting to take on that next role… so this book was just a launching pad in my opinion.
I’ve been following your blog for a while and I agree that God works in our lives and takes us places we may not know where we are going. Maybe your memoir was just a beginning… I see many of his “criticisms” answered in your blog entries. Some adoptive parents need the bitter pill he prescribes… but some need the spoonful of sugar that you provide when you send down the tough advice. I’m one of those people. When adopting my hispanic son, I read the kind of book that this guy probably would highly recommend. It scared the living CRAP out of me and that was when my husband and I decided we couldn’t adopt an AA child. It’s four years later, I’ve been reading your blog and slowly learning about the things I will need to do and now I’m ready… we are in process of adopting right now. I still take the responsibilities ahead of me very seriously and I vow to learn what I need to learn for my child… but I really DON’T think that all these transracial books need to be steeped in such cynisim and negativity. It is very discouraging and it doesn’t help anybody to do that any more than it helps a family to be completely unprepared. I appreciate your balance and your narrative style of presenting issues. It feels to me like this is a safe place for me to come to learn about this topic with out being under attack or feeling like I have to prove myself worthy of parenting a transracial child. Thank you for that! Keep up the good work and continue to let God inspire you to grow and take on new challenges for yourself and the rest of us!
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Listening to the hard stuff is what helps us grow as parents and as people. Thanks for taking us with you on your journey!
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Kevin, I kinda get the feeling like you are prepping us for something… something that might be difficult for us “Pollyannas” to listen too. Oh boy, well I say bring it on friend. We don’t need babyfood anymore. It’s time to move onto solid food!
-Erika
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Hear the truth….speak the truth…live the truth..and do it all in love.
Thanks, Kevin.
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Kevin,
In digesting the Elephant, as you said I am still chewing, I am thinking (a lot) and not to dismiss anything you have written or felt at all, I’m curious, do you think demographics could play a big roll in all of this? I’m not trying to down play discrimination, I know it is alive and thriving, but I also know its worse in some area’s of the US than others. As you know our girls are incorporated in their race in our subdivision, at school and church, therapist, friends……. and we do not live in a culturally divided area. I want them to feel as comfortable as possible with their race as they do with all races. In doing your “Elephant Eating” I realized I am trying to change what I have worked so hard for 12 years to do, teach them that race is not an issue, excuse, or reason, to be treated better or worse than people of other races. Yes they are black, yes I am white, but we are ALL equal, if they want to study their culture they are free to do so, I will not take it from them, but I will not force it upon them either. Which is what I feel like I am doing right now.
God first, family second, then they can be free to explore whatever.
I am not giving up on what I set out to do, I am just not going to feel guilty over not making it a most important part of our lives.
My husband is Hispanic, we actually eat more Mexican food in our house than any other food. Do I feel bad for not immersing them in American food, or soul food? NO, we all like Mexican food, it works for us. When they go to someone else’s house to eat, maybe they will get soul food, or Chinese food…….. Am I making sense or have I gone off on a fork in the road that only I know where I’m going?
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I think discrimination is never absent in the United States. Are there areas that are worse than others? Yes. The problem with assuming that discrimination is not as bad in the area you live is that often gets translated in to it being non-existent.
It is my experience that it is everywhere and that although you may teach them that they are equal to everybody else society and the world outside your house doesn’t think so and will not treat them that way.
I don’t see how exposing them to their culture could ever be a bad thing. As you know I am not a big fan of letting things like food and parades etc represent culture. My big push is to put them in touch with people that look like them. It is not the events that matter to me it is the people you will find at those events.
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I love your blog. I love your book and hope I get the chance to meet you someday so you can sign it for my son. Your posts always give me something to think about. I hope I can put your advice to work in my son’s life and he will grow up to thank you himself someday.
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I guess I feel they are exposed, I know what you want us to do with bringing more people of their culture into their lives I intend to continue lesson 4, I know you have helped me come along way (more than I care to admit) in drawing me out of my comfort zone, I thank you for that. I have learned a lot from you.
I guess maybe I feel “different” than the rest because of the issues we deal with on a daily basis, being foster parents and adopting foster kids, some of the things we deal with most people do not and never will have to deal with from their adopted kids. I know race is something we have to deal with and now I know better how I can deal with it. We also have to deal with attachment issues, and drug and alcohol exposure, neglect, abuse, I have to remember we are not the norm. Our lives are not the norm and our girls lives are not the norm, adoption and race are only a part of the reason why we are not of the norm.
I do not regret this experience, you have my utmost respect for putting you personal life out there to help others, you are a blessing and I pray you have the determination to continue your walk.
I think down here in the country of “Texas” discrimination is very much alive, I am a minority here!!!! 🙂
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Kevin,
I read your blog– I am fairly new to it. I am grateful that you are allowing AP to tag along on your journey.
Regarding discrimination– sometimes those areas that seem to not “have as much” are actually worse than those areas that seem to “have a lot.”
I have heard from POC, oftentimes in ‘better’ areas that white people feel do not “have as much” discrimination– folks act like it isn’t there, but it is there in subtleties– somewhat hidden, but not entirely hidden.
In places perceived to “have a lot” the discrimination is out in the open and folks at least know what to expect.
I’m not implying that either form is better or worse than the other– they are all bad and they both exist.
As a white aparent to children of color, I need need to be aware that discrimination is present even though “I” may not see it or feel it.
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Reena,
Welcome! Yes I agree wholeheartedly!
“discrimination is present even though “I” may not see it or feel it.”
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Thank you for your wisdom, maturity, integrity and faith. You are showing us by your example the process and journey we can follow in adjusting to the difficult truth of racism in our children’s lives. God bless!
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You are a wise man. Thank you for this.
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Bravo, Kevin. May all of your readers be as brave as you.
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Kevin,
I am fairly new to your blog and I just wanted to say “Thanks” for the honesty in all your posts. I am a TRA myself and recognize a lot of my same thoughts & feelings in your pieces.
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Kevin-
Thank you for your powerful insight in to the Transracial Adoption World.
I was the only African American in my city growing up, I can see immediately that I relate in many ways with a lot of your experiences.
Keep talking.. I’m listening..
Rebecca-
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