Sitting across from an adoptive mom in a local support group, I could see the distaste she had for the birth mother of her child. The birth mother had abused drugs and was an unfit mother which led to the county removing the child from the birth mother’s home. The child was adopted by this woman whose feelings were seeping from her every pore.
As I sat in this meeting, the only adoptee, I felt it was important that I say something.
“Do you talk about your daughter’s birth mother with her?” I asked.
“Oh, yes all the time.” She said.
“Do you tell her how you feel about her birth mother?” I cautiously asked.
“No, I never tell her exactly how I feel.” She confidently replied.
“Sometimes you can say a whole lot with out saying a word.” I replied with equal confidence.
There was no way the adoptee didn’t know how her mother felt about her birth mother. It showed in the mother’s face just when she said the birth mother’s name. It oozed out of her in a way that made her feelings known instantly.
My comment was meant to make her think and required no response and she understood that and said nothing in response.
In my head there were several supporting arguments that I never voiced.
My initial concern was, as an adoptee, no matter how bad or horrible my birth mother may have been, she is still my birth mother; to not honor that simple truth was disturbing.
I felt as if the adoptee’s feelings were being sacrificed and ignored because the mother felt justified.
My secondary concern was about the future.
I would never argue that abusing drugs is justified and to be enraged about it was understandable. Did the mother deserve to have her child taken away? There are arguments that support both sides, and at this time and place I am willing to concede the removal was best for the child. The child is where they should be.
Over the years, I am certain the adoptee will learn that her birth mother was a drug abusing, unfit mother at the time she was removed from the home.
The assumption that this is a permanent condition concerns me. What if this permanent condition was temporary and after several years the adoptee meets this unfit mother, who is now clean and sober. That mother wasn’t frozen in time, maturity has thawed this snap shot in the past and she is no longer the unfit mother she once was. How does the adoptee square what she sees with what she has been told?
People can and do change. Now the picture she sees isn’t the picture that has been painted over the years and the adoptee feels betrayed, lied to, and manipulated.
Honoring birth parents is imperative. Honor them in what you say, and how you respond because they are part of the adoptee. Dishonoring them could come back to you like a grenade thrown against hurricane-force winds.
Outstanding post–thank you for standing up and saying it! Education seems to me a big part of adoption and we even just need to be careful to stop others’ comments/questions who might have a negative picture of birthparents in general when our children by adoption are present–actually even when they’re not!
This same idea, incidentally, applies to children of divorced parents. Don’t tell children their parent is bad–that’s their parent and they identify with their parent. Tell a child his parent is bad and you might as well say “you are bad” to the child.
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What a powerful post and I agree 100%! Can I post this on our agency’s blog with a link to your blog?
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Deanne and everyone else,
Feel free to repost any of my blogs and simply provide a link back to my blog.
More than getting credit for writing it, I am a big big supporter of passing on the voice of the adoptee so please pass along.
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I have wondered if it is possible to be too positive about my kid’s birth parents?
The fact is we know very little about my daughter’s birth mom, (and birth dad) so at some point we are making a lot of assumptions about this woman and her decisions. I want to show respect for her, without creating some sort of fictitious person, who one day may not live up to picture we painted.
Thoughts?
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Thank you for this!! I recently went to a support group
that was very much like the one you mentioned and I was in awe.
Granted our adoption was under completely different circumstances,
but to hear the venom that came out of these people’s mouth about
their child’s birth family was horrible and disgusting. After that
meeting I felt lead to start a support that is to do just that,
support and encourage.
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Awesome, awesome, awesome! I had a similar thing between
two relatives one trashed one and said I just didn’t see it, funny
thing is that other relative never said a bad word…in the end its
the latter one I cherish and the other I have a non-existent
relationship.
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Hi Kevin,
This is not completely on topic but it is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. My husband and I are waiting to adopt a baby which will be our first. We have been discussing what we plan on telling the child about their birth family. Although we want to be very open and honest with our child we wonder if some information could be damaging. For instance, what if the mother is currently parenting siblings? I am worried that our child would be hurt that their birth mother chose to parent their siblings but not them. This is easier to understand as an adult but I think it could be hurtful and confusing to a child. We may also come across a situation in which the birth father is unknown. In your opinion, what would be a healthy way to address this with your child? Also, would it be appropriate to tell the child their mother did drugs during the pregnancy or is this something that should be held from the child until they are adults?
I remember your post, “Little Gems” and how you expressed your dissatisfaction with the explanations given when people asked why adoptees were placed for adoption. How can we be honest but protective of our child when this question is asked? It kills me because I don’t think any child should have to answer this question. It is a very personal question and it is not anyone’s business. Despite this, I am sure it is something that is asked quite often. I have been mulling over this in my head for months and still cannot think of an appropriate response. Here are a few responses that I have thought of…I am still not satisfied….:
“That is not something we share with everybody.”
“That is between my child and his birth mother.”
“None of your business.”
Ideally we would like to have birth parent(s) that would be involved, in some way, whatever they feel comfortable with. I would like our child to get as much information as possible straight from the source, if possible. Unfortunately, this sentiment may not be shared by the birth family and I may be a little naive in thinking it could be that simple.
I love reading your blog and appreciate the light you shine on such an important topic!
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Sarah, I think your responses are good. You can also say “that is my child’s story and it’s not my place to tell it for him/her”
and I agree with the other poster that a polite smile and “why do you ask” is sometimes appropriate when asker is simply being nosy.
Regarding relationships with birthparents, it truly is possible. We have good and open relationships (so far, anyway) with five of the six birthparents of our three children we have adopted. It’s not always the easiest relationship, but it’s important and we are all our child’s family. Child comes first–always.
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Thanks Kevin! Important messages.
Bob – I have wondered that too, sometimes, as I “fill in the blanks” of what we know – the bottom line is I just don’t know and I say that. I make it clear that I wonder things and imagine things, but that really we just don’t know.
Sarah – Lots of questions – there is a book called Telling the Truth to Your adopted or foster child (of something like that) which helps a lot with what you raise. Our adopted sons have sibs both with bio family and with other adoptive homes and we have told them all about them since they were born. Yes, it can be hard – but those are their family! I can’t keep it from them just because it might be hard. We talk about it and they can feel ok with all their reactions – happy or otherwise. Secrets keep us sick and or stuck and that is not good. All the best!
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PS – another response: “Oh, why are you asking?” said sincerely with a smile.
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Bob & Sarah,
I think I can answer both of your questions at the same time.
It is my opinion, (and I must stress that because I do not speak for all adoptees) that although the attraction of telling our children what we think they may want to hear is tempting I think it is imperative that we tell them the truth and some times the truth involves answers we as adults don’t want to give. One of the biggest answers we can give that leaves us as parents feeling empty is simply, ” I just don’t know.”
Also if the truth is that their mother struggled with drugs then say that. It doesn’t mean she always will. This is also a great time to talking about the dangers of drugs. Having a mother who was on drugs helps explain why the adoptee was given up for adoption. There is a concrete reason why the birth mother didn’t keep them. In a strange way there can be a peace that comes with that that couldn’t have come if you ignore the truth.
Sarah, these are the answers you give your child not the public. You can give the public the standard answers as long as your child knows the REAL answers.
The issue of siblings that were kept is a tough one but again the truth is important. Here is where you may have to say, “I don’t know why she decided to put you up for adoption.” it’s tricky because you want to reassure them not to take it personal but how can they not. That’s when, you have to say, “I wish I could give you the answers you want to hear but I don’t want to tell you anything other than what I know and the little that I know sucks.”
I think although you can’t give what they want the fact that you were up front with them will mean a lot.
Of course you do this in an age appropriate way.
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PS – my favorite response to nosey questions: “Oh, why are you asking?” said sincerely with a smile.
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Thank you! Thank you! This is the wisdon I need but do not have yet.
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I am okay with talking about a mom who had trouble with drugs and alcohol. I have figured out (I think) how to navigate those waters. My worry is if two of my children as about his birth father. In one case the father tried to harm the children in another the mother was reported to be a victim of rape.(I realize this also may be tied to her substance use at the time but geez how do I handle THAT?)
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That is such a hot topic, dealing with adopted and foster kids. Our girls know that they have bio sibs that their maternal grandmother raised because they were not born drug exposed. They have met their siblings and grandmother, and by accident their mother. Their grandmother even told them their mother had two more children that were adopted out (total of seven kids) and she could never kick the crack. When they saw her they were surprised at how old she looked, and she smelled like smoke (big turn off for them). I do not speak ill of her, I try to explain to my girls that some people have an addiction gene and can become addicted to drugs, alcohol, smoking, and are not strong enough to fight it. PLUS I make sure they know the risk of them becoming addicted is even higher since they were born crack babies that they can not even experiment with drugs or alcohol. I show more compassion for their mom than they do at this time, I do hope their hearts soften towards her when they become adults. I think their biggest issue is not growing up with their sisters more so than missing their bio-mom.
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Hi Kevin,
A very interesting post—I am an adoptive mom—but my comment/question today is more from the perspective of a relative to someone who was placed for adoption. I’ll try to be *brief.*
My youngest Uncle has a very difficult upbringing (my mom and all her siblings did—my mom the oldest of six—my youngest uncle—second youngest). It seems the family really broke down with each next child.
My uncle grew into quite the unsavory person—drugs, alcohol, thief, womanizer, in and out of jail etc. Several of the women with whom he had relations were also unsavory at the time—I really cannot speak with regard to what type of people they grew into. My uncle never matured past what I have described. At best, the abuse he has done to his body and the life he has lived has caused him to ‘slow down.’
My uncle has several children that I know or know of by several different women. There are two children whom I know were placed for adoption—both have the same mom and were placed separately. Back at the time, there was some talk about my parents adopting the first baby. My parents ultimately decided against it—I was young at the time—my perception of the reasoning is that my parents felt that it would be difficult for the child to grow up witnessing the behaviors of their biological parents as relatives—that there would be problems and it would be better for the baby to be adopted by parents outside of our family. This was approximately 25 years ago.
I am an only child—my parents had tried to adopt from foster care, but it did not work out. I know this must have been a very difficult decision—especially for my mom (she is now deceased).
I have sort of reconnected with one of my cousins who was placed for adoption—now is early 20s. The younger full sibling of the baby in the situation I described above.
He, reconnected with his first mom this past summer/spring (I believe)—she died this past summer. I heard that she OD on heroin, but I do not know this to be fact—I do know that her and my uncle used drugs back in the day.
He has also reconnected with my youngest uncle, his bioDad.
He seems/sounds like he a good young person finding his way as we all do at that age—but with much added layers to cut through. Some of his FB entries are angry—we are FB friends (whatever that really means). I’ve reached out tentatively to him—should I do more? I don’t want to intrude—but I don’t want him to feel like he is not welcome either?
I feel guilty about something as well. When my Granny passed on a few years ago– she left $100 in her will to the first child that was placed for adoption. Nobody was aware of the second child that was placed for adoption– I don’t even think my uncle knew until he was contacted.
Regarding my Granny’s will– another Uncle asked me what I thought should be done regarding the $100– Granny didn’t have much. My response at the time was I thought we should leave the family and child alone. I realize now this was probably wrong– not that $100 is much money, but the fact that he was thought of in this way by his biological grandmother. This person is also on FB– should I try to contact him and let him know— apologize? This happened quite a few years ago– I would not offer this same advice today and I really feel like my advice is what the decision was based upon– and I believe it was very bad advice.
Thanks,
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Reena,
With the facts you have told me and if I was the adoptee whose biological grandmother thought enough about them to leave them something in a will, I would want to know about. Not so much for the money, but because of the simple fact that this proves I was not sent away and forgotten about. The evidence that someone, who I have biological ties with, actually thought about me enough to include me in their will would be huge to me.
With your cousin whom you have connected with on FB (and the oldest cousin) I would just take it slow. What often gets all the attention with adoption reunions is the initial reunion when people meet for the first time. What gets little attention is the fact that those relationship can be very difficult to maintain.
I have reunited with several bio relatives and the thing that has been very important to me is that I go at my own pace and I am fortunate that my bio family seems to understand that and has given me space when I need it.
Reuniting with bio relatives can bring up so many issues that as an adoptee it can get very overwhelming.
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Thanks Kevin,
I am going to email the oldest cousin through FB and let him know about the will– keep it short and let him know I am open to answering questions but that if prefers no contact I will respect that.
You, know– I just realized– we, he and I, could have been raised as sister and brother. Although, I would have been quite a bit older than him–
How different from growing up as an only child might that have been for me?
I know, multiply that ‘what if’ by a really huge magnitude . . .
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oh such an important topic. i have tried to approach this developmentally with my daughters, all three of whom were exposed prenatally to drugs and alcohol. while they are still quite young, i explain that their birth parents were too sick to care for them. as they get older, i will explain addiction. without judgment. i firmly believe that this is their story, and i owe them the truth as best as i know it. i understand that as time passes, this will all get more messy and more complicated (it already has) but we cross the bridges as we come to them.
incidentally, my five year old has visits with her birth mom, who is now clean and sober. and my foster son was reunited with his birth mother who is also now sober.
so- i’d love your advice on a question that has plagued me for some time..i have several documents and records from dcyf that are quite explicit as to their birth parent’s histories. i wish i didn’t have them, but since i do, i have no idea what to do with them. they are so heavy..what do you think?
anyway, i’ve been following your blog for some time and really enjoy your insights. thank you.
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V,
My answer it simple. It is my opinion they have a right to that information. As Karen said above, “secrets keep us sick.”
So I would share it with them at an appropriate age. Since the birth mother is present and clean and sober, I would try and work together with her to address this. She may want to tell them herself in her own way.
Also it is great to hear you enjoy the blog. I took a break over the holidays and I can’t tell you how great it is to be back talking to everyone again. I truly forgot how much I enjoy sharing my 2 cents and helping in any way I can.
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Hi Kevin. I love your blog. I enjoy your writing and have referred to your site many times in developing a CCP for our daughter. Thank you!
DH and I decided from the beginning to be completely honest with our daughter (now age 8), age appropriately. Mainly, so that our daughter does not grow into any feelings of responsibility (“I was a bad baby”) or shame (“my birth mom was bad”) for her mother not being able to raise her. So far this has worked very well for her.
There are other benefits – it opens a dialogue on issues and helps to establishes our family policy of honestly towards each other, which we all value. As well our sense of compassion for others comes into play.
For the record, our daughter’s birth mom drank alcohol, smoked and did crack cocaine and marijuana throughout her pregnancy. She had good intentions, but lived with a dealer and neglected our daughter to the point where she had 1 day of life in her before she was apprehended (as a result of a well-timed drug bust).
Our daughters birth-mom was later inspired to become clean and sober and has been for 6 years. She is successfully raising another child. We did not know of this for many years, until she wrote to us with pictures. Our daughter considers her to be “one of her 3 moms” and is pleased to know she has a sister and brother, even if she doesn’t live with them. We have not met yet, but hope to in the coming year.
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I can’t stress enough how good the book Telling the Truth To Your Forster or Adopted Child is in regards to this subject.. although having said that I have to give kudos to you Kevin for really hitting the nail on the head! Let’s just say there are an army of socialworkers and psychologist that support your opinion in regards to birth parents and us adoptive parents should handle the subject!
-Erika
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Thank you!! This is wonderful.
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My youngest son’s birthmom is in prison and has had issues with drugs and alcohol. My son has health issues because of it. We have an open adoption. We have not talked to her much recently, but we visit his aunt, cousins, and hal-brother and half-sister (who live with their paternal grandmother). He is still young, but we have always said that we will explain that his birthmom made *bad choices* but that we will never say she is a *bad person*. I think there is a big difference.
The only word of caution I could give when talking to a young child about a birthparent who has issues with drugs and alcohol is to be careful about discussing it as “being sick.” A friend who is an adoptive mom explained it to her son this way, and the child took it very literally. He became anxious every time his adoptive mom even got a cold because he thought she would not be able to keep him.
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Great reminder for us AP’s … nonverbal cues. I haven’t
really thought about mine, though I try to speak as positively
while realistically about our kids’ first mama when she comes up.
Going to mind the body language next time, too, though and see what
my body is saying (and then go process that with myself if I need
to to be a better mom for my guys). Thanks for this thoughtful
post!
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Yes, you are right about change. My nephew was a domestic adoption and his Birth Mother gave him up because she was struggling with substance abuse problems at the time. She had the strength and resolution to realize that because of that she was not able to be a good parent and make that difficult decision. She was also very young. She subsequently pulled her life together, and is like a very close Aunt to him.
My daughter’s are adopted from China, so we really know nothing of their birthfamilies. Saying “I don’t know” isn’t terribly satisfying, but it is the truth. I’ve given use to the whole list, likely, probable, could be, may have…. I’ve told them that it is probably that they have siblings, and extended family in China. As we are contemplating a birth family search – though with fairly slim odds at success – I am glad I have stuck to being neutral and taking my childrens’ lead on their relationship with the invisible, yet very present, birth parents
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This is a timely topic for us as we have had to get a restraining order against our son’s birth father because he has made threats of extreme violence against my husband and me and threats to kidnap our son. He lives with a severe mental illness, goes in and out of hospitals and jails. He has served time for kidnapping an elderly woman in the past. Our son’s birth mother- they are married but not always living in the same state- lives with schizophrenia. She enables the birth father by providing him with computer access, access to cars, money, etc. Just last week, the birth father moved nearby to our family. I am struggling with how to frame this to our son. He is just 2 years old and, so far, pretty oblivious except that there is tension and sometimes police officers at our house. The court ordered us to continue to allow annual visits even with the restraining order. We are terrified to have any further contact with either birth parent. The birth father’s own sister calls the police when he shows up at her house. We know that he has at least 5 restraining orders against him at this time- our attorney even had to get one.
How do we talk about this with our son as he grows old enough to understand? That we are very afraid for our family’s safety yet he may have to visit with them? Our attorney has suggested we ignore requests for visits and just let the birth parents sue us for breach of our contact agreement. We started this relationship a year ago in good faith of having an open adoption. But it is clear now that the other members of the birth family were not forthcoming about the seriousness of the birth parents’ illnesses and records. They now say that the birth father’s violence is getting worse and worse every year (he’s in his mid-40’s). How can we be honest without being frightening or demeaning? And, of course, we pray that our son has not inherited either mental illness…
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Simply tell the truth in a respectful way at an age appropriate level. Several have mentioned that you can explain it to your child that their birth parents are sick and that causes them to do and say somethings that are out of the ordinary and can be scary some times but you’re there to protect them no matter what.
I am sorry for the difficult path you are walking on. There is no easy way to handle it or resolve it and as you child grows older you can explain that to them as well.
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Life is about choices, every choice has a consequence, and
a consequence can be good or bad. From 0 to 7 years of age, our
daughter’s birth mom sexually, physically, and mentally abused her,
let others sexually abuse her. She was left without food for days
on end. During foster care, birth mom did nothing to get her
daughter back – she never even showed up or tried – this is the
only good thing birth mom did for her daughter. Our daughter
entered our lives at the age of 9. It took two years of phone and
legwork from us and our daughter’s pediatrician to get all the
medical records from different emergency rooms in a large metro
area to piece together our daughter’s medical history. Our daughter
knows about her birth mothers drug and alcohol abuse along with the
prostitution. We didn’t have to tell her. She lived it and knew
about it. I would be lying to my daughter if I told her anything
other than “Even though I never met your birth mom, I don’t like
that woman.” She chose a life of drugs, alcohol, and prostitution,
over her daughter. It took two years for our daughter to have/show
any emotion, four years to learn to laugh, four years to get
through a night without waking up screaming. She does not fully
trust us after seven plus years of living with us. In fact she may
never trust anyone fully. We won’t, don’t, nor denied birth mother
existed (or exists). We just don’t like her. If our daughter wishes
to find her after she is at least 18. I will help her. I won’t like
but I will help her.
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I appreciate your respect for your birth mother, and the lasting effects an adoptive parents’ opinion (silent or not) may have on their children. I’m a birth mother and proud of it. I made the choice to continue an unplanned pregnancy with no help or resources from pretty much anyone. I had planned on parenting until I realized that I didn’t want her to have the upbringing and resources that I could provide at the time as a single mother. It had nothing to do with being poor, uneducated, on drugs, having mental illness, or anything like that. I was 30 years old, a college (with honors) graduate and successful in my career field. I just wanted more for her than what I could be for her: a stressed out single mom and a biological father who promised that he wanted nothing to do with the child and never would. However I know some people must think that ALL birthparents are drug addicts, poor, teenagers, etc. and that is far from the truth. I do not feel empathy towards anyone who has a child and neglects or abuses that child (or children), so I can completely understand the negative feelings that some parents may have towards birth parents who did have those problems especially if there was abuse. The important thing to remember though is that is you child’s biological origins- so by disparaging the birthparent (even if they have problems or issues) you are disparaging the child and they learn to feel inadequate about their origins. So thanks for encouraging others to try to think positively about birth parents even though I am sure it is very dfficult in some circumstances.
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Wow! We are very, very fortunate adoptive parents! Our baby’s birth mother is a kind, loving, selfless young woman who was simply too young and not able to parent. She is someone we regard as our angel who entrusted us to be parents to a baby who is still much loved by her. What a gift it is to be able to tell our baby all of her life that her adoptive mother is a good, loving person and that we will be forever grateful to her for making us a family.
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I can’t imagine speaking negatively to my children about their birth parents because my children came from them – my children were created by them – my children are a part of them. I would think that anything I say about their birth parents would reflect back to how my children feel about themselves.
My daughter has seven biological siblings being raised by her birth mother. My son has a biological sister being raised by his birth mother. I have pictures of my sons birth family because his adoption is open, but I can’t do the same for my daughter. I talk about all of this with my kids. I’ve created books for them with pictures of their birth moms and we talk about it. I want it to be just a natural part of who they are and not something they discover one day. (This may be a bad analogy, but I have a scar down my face. It’s never bothered me because I got it when I was very young. It’s just always been there. Other people have commented on it and wondered if it bothers me, which I always thought was strange. That’s why I figured if something is normal to us from the time we are young, maybe it won’t be traumatic later.)
Just last week my daughter was talking to someone. I overheard her say “Jalen’s adoption is open, but mine is closed.” She will be three on Saturday. I was surprised that she even understood enough to say that, but it came out so naturally. It makes me think that our approach is working.
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