There is something magical that happens inside the four walls of all grocery stores. It seems as if once someone walks through the mystical doors that open by themselves and they are swept in to the tile floors and piped-in music, all inhibitions dissolve. Surprisingly, there is something about this environment that makes people feel comfortable about asking deep personal question to transracial parents in front of their children.
The questions fall from the tongues of strangers like saliva from a rabid dog.
“Where did you buy him?”
“How Much Did he Cost.”
“Wasn’t slavery abolished.”
“What happened to her REAL mom?”
“Is that a crack baby?”
The brashness that propels these words out of the stranger’s mouths often leaves the adoptive parents speechless. The parents stand there in a daze as if Mike Tyson has just connected with their temple.
At every adoption conference I’ve been to this scenario is discussed usually during lunch or while we are on a short break. The families huddle together for support and to hear the best way to respond to the offender.
The conversation then always turns toward a conversation about the offender and how to put them in their place or if the offender should even be acknowledged. This is where the conversation goes the wrong way and the subject gets looked at from the wrong vantage point.
Instead of concentrating on who said what, what should be the focus is responding for the benefit of the adoptee. The response to the stranger can be a powerful message to the adoptee. This means that as a parent you become an educator but not for the benefit of the stranger but for the benefit of the adoptee. By responding in a calm but assertive manner you send the following messages to the adoptee:
1) That stranger’s ignorance doesn’t point out a flaw in you. By running away from this conversation adoptees can interpret this to mean they are broken, a commodity, a slave, not your real child, a crack baby.
2) By talking about it and addressing it, you send a message that it is alright to talk about adoption and race. Running away from this conversation sends the message that these subjects are to be feared and not discussed.
3) By standing up and defending your family you teach the adoptee how to do the same when you aren’t there.
4) The sense of empowerment the adoptee learns from seeing you respond and not cower is vital and invaluable.
The next time you enter this zone and ignorance greets you with a smile, remember your response is not for the stranger, it is for your child who is next to you absorbing how to respond to the world. Empower them!
What great advice. Thank you for putting that in such simple terms.
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Thank you for this! Excellent advice.
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Can you please provide an example of what you, as a young person would have wanted to hear from your parents if they responded to one or more of the ignorant comments listed above?
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you took the words right out of my mouth! 🙂
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I completely agree with what you have said. However, I’m not good at all at coming up with a response on the spot like that. Instead I get angry and flustered and end up not saying anything at all. Do you have any examples?
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Sure!
Where did you buy him?
We didn’t buy him. He is not an object that can be bought off the self. He is a welcomed part of our family who is our son just as much as his brother is our son.
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Through this response I learn I am priceless, AND just as good as my brother. I also learn my parent doesn’t take any crap and is willing to defend me. I walk away EMPOWERED!
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I am a white mother to two African American children. I don’t like my children to hear insensitive questions, but they do. Soon, they’ll be old enough to get asked the questions themselves. But in my experience, when we’ve been confronted by ignorant-sounding questions, there hasn’t been any ill-intent behind them. The questioner just didn’t know a better way to ask, which is why giving an honest and positive answer is so important for everyone involved.
To the question, “How much did he/she cost?” I have answered, “My children are priceless. I think you must be referring to the adoption fees, which are just standard fees for the adoption services provided.”
To any questions about REAL mothers, I say that my children are lucky enough to have two real moms. Then I will sometimes ask, “Do you mean his/her birth mom?” Generally speaking, if the question is about where their birth mothers are, or what happened to them, I give a vague answer like, “She is a wonderful person. We just love her.” I know it doesn’t answer the question, but it’s pretty personal, and I want to reinforce to my children that wherever their birth parents are, they ARE wonderful, and we DO just love them.
Most of the time, people will say, “Oh, yes, that’s what I meant. I just didn’t know how to say it.”
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Nicely put! I like them both!!!
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Great info Kevin. I’ve said it here before, but my favorite response to any question like that is “Oh, why are you asking?” This gives me time to collect my thoughts if necessary, it requires the other person to reveal something of themselves which they are asking ME to do (often on behalf of my child) and it gives the person a chance to tell me their story of their cousin’s neighbors friend who adopted twin boys from Russia which is really what they want to tell me about anyway. Now that our oldest adopted child is 8, depending on the question and the person asking, I might turn to him and say “what do you think, is that something we want to talk about right now?” I only do this if it would empower him to answer for himself, not to put him on the spot in an embarassing way. He’s getting more comfortable with addressing these questions himself when we are together which is good cuz I know he gets them at school and other places when I am not with him (classes, sports, playing outside, etc).
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Great responses Kim and Karen!
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Karen, I’m stealing that for a workshop I’m doing in Chicago this weekend. Thanks
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Interesting. I have never been asked any questions. I’m glad you posted this though, since I would have been left speechless if it would have happened to me. You make some good points. I also Karen’s suggestion to ask why they are asking, since that opens things up to understand where the stranger is coming from instead of putting it all on yourself.
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Thanks for this post, Kevin! So far in the 6 months that Ezra has been home with us we haven’t received any grocery store comments but I know it will happen one of these days. When Ezra gets old enough to understand I want to feel like I am empowering him and celebrating our family with my responses. I hope I can do so! Thanks for the advice!!
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Thanks for sharing your stories. I’ve never gotten questions, but I expect to when my kids get into Jr and Sr high. Right now in grade school, I think the other kids just accept what’s told to them and don’t think about it much.
I heard an interesting comment last week, waiting with my kids to cross the street after school. Some 5-6th graders walked by, said hello to my kids, then had this little conversation.
Girl 1: They were adopted, you know.
Girl 2: Really?
Girl 1: Yeah. Their parents REALLY REALLY wanted to have kids.
Girl 2: Cool.
I don’t even know those girls, they must have heard their moms talking. I thought it was very sweet.
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Once, in a Children’s Museum, a woman called my biracial daughter a mutt. Lovingly, as in, “Oh isn’t she a cute little mutt.” My jaw dropped. I had no words to say, particularly when my 3 year old biological son heard the word mutt and started barking like a dog. Thankfully, my best friend had just the right, loving words. She said, “Mam, that is offensive. This little girl is made in the image of God. She is NOT a mutt.”. I’m glad my buddy was there to save the day. The only words I would’ve reponded with would’ve been of the four letter variety…
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Wow. Thank you for posting this!!!
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I agree with Kimberly, I’ve been asked some things, but the intention isn’t hurtful, just uninformed. The one I get asked most often is “Are they brother and sister?” I always respond, “They are now.” I think that sends the message that of course they’re brother and sister, but in a kind way. It also reinforces to my kids that they are in fact siblings. I have a harder time knowing how to deal with negative looks directed at my family. This has only happened in a blatant fashion twice. I just pretend not to notice, but I don’t know how to help my children when they start to notice.
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You prep them BEFORE it happens. You explain it is the stranger’s issues not your children’s.
Let the kids know it is a possibility people won’t understand your family and how to deal with that without internalizing it.
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Thank you for the wonderful post. Would you give another example, of how you would prep for the negative looks before they happen? My daughter is 5 I don’t know how to broach this at an age -and -developmentally appropriate level.
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Teresa,
I may one day put this in to a blog post, but I will give you the quick version of how to introduce child to this racial conversation.
It begins at 2-3 years old, YES 2-3. Studies have shown children notice racial differences at 2-3 years old. It begins with pointing out how beautiful their skin is and the differences between their skin and yours. Here is where you begin building them up BEFORE the images in the media tell the differently. Here, you begin by reinforcing how special they are because they are of color. You are planting the seeds of racial pride and you continue.
As they begin to comprehend more fully the differences in people(short and tall, slim and large) you can explain some people might think it’s strange that you don’t match but again to build them up by telling them how special and important they are. Once you feel you have laid the ground work and made them comfortable with who they are and watered those seeds, then and only then—Explain in an appropriate way that some people don’t approve but that has nothing to do with your child and the person who stares has the problem NOT your beautiful child. Doing it this way and in this order you allow them to be proud of who they are first and then later tell them about discrimination, it makes it easier for kids to understand that stranger is flawed and not them.
Talk to them, make this kind of thing easy to talk about. You might ask if she notices people staring. Be hyper-vigilant about noticing when people stare and see how she responds. If she appears uncomfortable talk about it. Let her voice how that makes her feel.
I hope this helps. I will put it in a more organized post some time soon.
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