Through out high school and college I dated often. The attention I got from women helped to fill my adoptee-need for acceptance. When I was dating a girl I thought was respectable, I would often bring them to meet my parents. It was important to me to get my parent’s approval(another one of my adoptee side effecs) so the girls that were better than average got to meet Mom and Dad.
There were some I dated that Mom and Dad never knew about. Those were the ones that were really jagged, more than rough, around the edges. I don’t think that was unique to me being an adoptee. There are girls who are worthy of bringing home to meet the parents and there are girls who are not. Mom and Dad never even heard about those who were not worthy.
I made a point to let those who I dated know about my unusual family. Usually, very early on in the dating process I would say something like, “You know, I’m a minority in my own family….” This would usually start the conversation about the house I lived in. I was never ashamed of my family and as I have mentioned the attention I got from being from an atypical family fed my strong desire for attention. I also learned over time this was a great pick-up line; not many women were approached with this type of opening.
It never occurred to me that some of the woman I dated wouldn’t approve of my family or have a hard time with the melting pot contained in the four walls of my home. I never questioned those that I dated if they were alright with it because I was alright with it. As I review those interactions and rewind the tapes of my memory, I think because I presented it the way I did very few of the woman I dated had issues with it. I presented it as a package deal. The white people come with me. If you accept me, you have to accept them.My assumptions replaced important conversations.
As I inspect those tapes a little closer, I can tell you there were a few that were uncomfortable with my family arrangement. One girlfriend in particular was, at best, uneasy with it. She stopped talking around my parents and showed very little interest in getting to know them or spending time with them. Outside of the work world she had very little interaction with white people and now I can easily see she was uncomfortable around those with less melanin in their skin.
When I met my wife-to-be, immediately I sensed she was worthy to met the parents, and shortly after we began dating I made an excuse to go visit my parents. I arranged to go to my parents to change my oil in their garage because I didn’t have a garage or a dry place to change my oil. My wife-to-be agreed to go with me and sat inside with my parents while I changed the oil in the garage.
This was an unfair thing to do to her as I review the circumstances, and I was assuming a lot and asking even more from her. She sat and held her own with the strange Caucasians, who were my parents, as I emptied out my oil pan in the garage.
It was fortunate for me that she was secure enough to be in that position and the integration of my girlfriend, who would become my fiancé, and then my wife, into my transracial family was seamless but it wasn’t because of anything I did.
I never considered my black world wouldn’t accept my white world. I assumed that as a black person you have to know how to move in this white world, so any black woman I dated would know how to do this and be comfortable with it; that was assuming A LOT.
Because of what I know now I can say there were probably more girlfriends than I knew that weren’t comfortable around my family. The racial tension that defines the world we live in makes racial differences and beliefs hard to ignore. Just as there are some households that teach their white children not to trust blacks, there are black households that teach their children not to trust whites. I’m sure many of girls I dated were raised in this environment. So how did they see me and/or my family? To bring those two races together in one family without exploring the potential powder keg that is there was very naive on my part. Fortunately, I choose the right woman, who came from the right family, and there were not issues for us to sort out.
If I were to rewind the present into the past, I would have done a better job of vetting those that I was dating and would have replace assumptions with conversation.
During those dating years, it was like I was walking through an ammunition depot with gasoline soaked underwear; any small spark could have ignited a world of hurt for me. My fear is that those who read this will say, “Well, it worked out alright for him, so we can ignore these potential problems too.” Don’t ignore the mistakes we made. Be aware of what could be waiting for you and address it.
Dating for TRAs can be an ammunition depot, be aware of that, and go into it with eyes open and underware gasoline-free.
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Kevin,
Since you didn’t address this specifically, I am curious, were all of the women you dated African-American? It sort of sounds that way but I’m not sure. Can you talk about your thought process of choosing women to date vis-a-vis race?
Thanks!
Nancy
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Nancy,
I primarily dated black women. I was always attracted to black girls. I can remember being very young and watching Shirley Temple movies. I had a big crush on her but remember hoping she was a very light skinned black girl. At a young age skin color mattered.
I did date a few white girls in college but the stress of always worrying about what people thought made that an exhausting experience. But if given the choice I was more attracted to black girls because growing up until college 95% of the girls I came in contact with were black and I felt most comfortable around kids that looked like me.
One of the benefits of growing up with people like you is the pride that develops in your race. I was proud to be part of the black community and being biracial was seen as black. When I was growing up you were either black or white there was no in between.
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Great post, Kevin. As my TA daughters are 12 and 13, dating seems to be just beyond the bend. You mention the fact that some of the girls you dated might not have been comfortable with your family. What about the girls’ families? Were they ever not ok with their daughters dating you? If it was a white family, they may not want their daughter dating a mixed race boy. If it were a black family, perhaps you weren’t black enough, or maybe they didn’t want their child dating someone with white parents and sibs. Can you comment?
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Luann,
You are right. The girlfriend’s family is yet another layer to add to it. There were times when I dated white girls whose family didn’t agree with her dating a child of color that I wanted to say, “…but I live with white people!”. But it didn’t matter. I appeared black and although I am biracial with a white family they only saw their daughter dating a black guy.
I’m not sure how the families of the black girls I dated felt but the awareness that that might be an issue is important. I’m sure some didn’t agree I was just never made aware of it.
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GREAT recent posts, Kevin! Thanks for always sharing your wisdom, experience and insight. I really love reading your blog!
-Alex
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Hi Kevin –
I just found your blog and am riveted already, having read only the 8-10 most recent posts. I love your writing style and the insights that you bring to it.
I am a Canadian, Caucasian woman (married to a caucasian man, and we have one bio son, 7) who is about to add two Ethiopian-born children to her family (a boy aged 5, and his three-year-old sister) via adoption. I am so grateful to have found your writing, and I hope that it will help me to understand some of the issues I can help all three of my children deal with over time.
I really appreciated your insight (on an earlier post, I think) about how important it is for adopting parents in a multi-racial family to INITIATE conversations about race, and to not assume that if issues need to be discussed they will simply come up in conversation.
Anyway, I could ramble on for a while, but really simply wanted to tell you how glad I am to have found your blog, and how terrific I think your writing is. Thanks!
Ruth
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Thanks Ruth,
It brings me such joy to hear I am helping. Congratulations on the new additions just keep learning and reading and doing and you’ll be just fine.
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I really liked this post, Kevin. It’s the second piece I read. my last comment became a speech and you should know it was directed at our society and in no way at you.
I am a divorced single parent of 4 kids. I have been raising them for 10 years, primarily by myself. My oldest is at a University and a shiny new adult. My baby is going through puberty. I’m 38.
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