I sat across the conference table facing a mother whose pain gushed out of her and ran down her cheeks. Today was the day she was supposed to agree to terminate her parental rights and consent to having her child placed for adoption.
My job, as a CASA volunteer (Court Appointed Special Advocate) is to review cases where children are removed from their home and placed in foster care. I have been tasked to speak on behalf of the children and report back to the court what course of action is in the best interest of the child. Part of that job includes days like this where tough life collides with tough life-altering decisions.
As the mother sobbed I could see her mind wrestling with her heart. Her mind knew the answer but her heart wouldn’t allow her mouth to say what, in this case, was the right thing to do. To come to this conclusion as parent; to admit that your child is better off in someone else’s care is about six football fields beyond my comprehension. At this meeting this mother was realizing that what she had agreed to prior to the meeting was much harder to force out of her mouth; saying it meant it was official and permanent.
At different intervals during this painful process, I glanced at the mother and saw what HEARTBROKEN looked like and that image was speaking to my heart. This is the picture of adoption that is often deleted and replaced with a drug-addicted, promiscuous, immature girl whose party life takes priority over the inconvenient result of a good night of partying. In this broken mother, I saw my own birth mother and wondered if her struggle to terminate her parental rights was as hard as the struggle I was witnessing across the faux wooden table. I also wondered if I was tracing the flight-path of Icarus; an adoptee with a back stage pass to relinquishment could be dangerous. There were several moments where I felt my adoptee heart was diving and swooping too close to the sun. There were several times my emotions wanted to detach and run out of the room seeking shelter in some mindless activity far away from the sensitive nerve endings that were exposed during this too-real, too close to home exchange.
But…I have come to learn in this fascinating journey that it is right here in the eye of this hurricane where I find answers about myself. That statement may sound as if I am a voyeur to this process, but that was not why I agreed to advocate for children as a CASA. But…it is here where I find answers about this emotion-filled A-bomb called adoption, and it is here where I can glimpse shadows of my own birth mother and gain insight in to her experience.
The meeting with the heartbroken mother ended with her unable to say or consent to terminating her rights. Her heart and mind stood in opposite corners of her skull; both refusing to surrender and I understood in a more intimate way than I had before the anatomy of such a profound decision.
Oh my. It’s not easy for anyone, is it? You did a good job of relaying the emotions and the intricate complications of a decision like this. Thanks.
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I lost my first daughter to adoption and have blocked out that painful time when i signed papers. However reading this today gives me those feelings all over again…utter hopelessness, feeling abandoned myself that no one would help me to keep my baby, such a deep heaviness and pain. Adoption is not taken lightly for the mother that loses her child. I haven’t met one yet that didn’t have a deep sadness in her heart. From my experiences a mother who has the option to sign her rights away usually is capable of parenting. I have to say I feel relieved that this mother was able to walk away without signing. However I still feel fear for her that her nightmare may not be over, not knowing why she was there and what her circumstances were. Thank you for writing about your experience.
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J,
Thanks for sharing! As an adoptee it helps in a strange way to hear the stories of birth moms. It is a story that is quiet but so so needed. Not only for adoptees but also for the benefit of birth moms. You too should be allowed an outlet to share and explore such deep deep feelings.
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My heart goes out to this mother who is faced with such a heartbreaking decision. Thank you for sharing this part of her story. I don’t know her name, but I will pray for her and all the others who are in a similar situation.
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Me too. I have a big mansion in my heart for birthparents who have had to face this decision. I can’t imagine anything in life more heartbreaking.
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To close today. My daughter is facing this same decision. In some ways she is a [a drug-addicted, promiscuous, immature girl whose party life takes priority]… but she is also a caring young woman who was prenatally exposed to meth, cocaine and alcohol. She has fetal alcohol syndrome; her executive functioning is abysmal. She is tired of trying to prove she is competent because with each attempt she is forced to embrace her disability. And, she isn’t ready to go there. She wants everyone to go away. Oh, not her son really, just the guardian ad litem, the social worker, the random drug tests, the psychologist who is supposed to do her parental capacity evaluation.
And, I hold her son and I cry… she has every single secondary characteristic associated with fetal alcohol. Her adoption wasn’t the solution everyone promised. She is likely in the same place she would have been if she were never adopted. But her son… he has had a much better start than she did. I wonder how many generations it takes to break the cycle of foster care. Apparently, more than one.
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I struggle with how do we make this better. The system could be so so much better. The goal of the child welfare system is first to reunite and protect the children. But often the very real needs of the parents are over looked. I wonder if we made a shift from –“take this class, do this requirement…” to “what do you need to be a better parent?” would help create better people, better parents, and better families.
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I am not sure if this organization has a chapter near you.
It is Christian based and anti-abortion.
They focus on providing parenting classes to help parents become better parents. A family friend is active with this organization and as I understand it, this organization does not even really bring up adoption as the answer, but focuses on parenting skills and locating resources for families in need.
http://armsofloveministries.com/
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Thank you for sharing this view. Our son’s birthmother consented, and I think it is the bravest thing that anyone could ever do! When she told us that she was going to do this, I told her that I will tell our son of her bravery, and how couragous of an act it was. I am forever greatful that she chose us to raise our son.
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