Two elevators
Two grainy videos
Two Black men
Two different responses
Rapper and entrepreneur Jay Z enters the elevator and his sister-in-law unleashes on him, kicking and wind-milling her arms and he calmly steps to the side, blocks her assault and chooses not to retaliate. Several seconds later Jay Z emerges from the elevator as if nothing happened. There has been plenty of speculation around why the sister-in-law attacked him and I don’t really care why. I care about the images that are sent and received.
Baltimore Ravens running back, Ray Rice and his fiancé enter the elevator. The doors close and the fiancé lofts a swing at Ray after he spits on her. Ray retaliates with a punch to her face. She moves towards him and he punches her again…in the face. She falls lifeless and is unconscious before she hits the cold marble floor. Many have argued that she could have provoked this and want to argue that we don’t know the whole story and I really don’t care why. There is nothing she could have done to warrant this abuse. Period. I care about the images sent and received.
The message I got from the first elevator ride was focused on how crazed and out of control Jay Z’s sister-in-law was during the floor to floor ride. It wasn’t on Jay Z and that fact that he did the right thing. The focus wasn’t on the fact that he did what I hope my son’s would do if ever in that situation. But “thugs” don’t do good things so instead the focus falls on the image of the “crazy Black girl.”
The message I got from the second elevator ride was focused on Ray and rightly so it should have been. What he did was indefensible and that image of his brutal act will be play over and over because it fits the stereotype. I’m furious at Ray, the man, for hitting a defenseless woman. I’m furious at Ray, the Black man, because he offered up footage that will be used to show black males can’t control their violent tendencies.
As parents of children of color you must alter the lenses through which you view life. You must be aware of the messages sent and received, the stereotypes, and the assumptions that come with the color of your child’s skin. It is through these altered lenses that you must view the world that goes on around your children. So when your daughter is treated unfairly because the image of “the crazy black girl” replaces who she is you must be able to recognize that and advocate for her. When you son is unjustly punished in school because the image of the violent black male replaces the sweet child he is you must be able to recognize this bias and advocate for him.
When you advocate, do it tactfully and be aware of the reaction that comes with race or even a hint of racial bias. The reactions will come in statements like, “I am not a racist!” “Why are you playing the race card?” “We don’t see color!” … Don’t let these statements distract from your mission. Your mission is to be your child’s advocate. Your mission is to help others to see beyond the characters and stereotypes that are assigned to your child and help them see the individual your child is and can be come.
Thank you for writing this. It is so hard when advocating for your child to get others to recognize when racism is playing a role in what is being said or happening. An 8 year old white boy called my 8 year old black daughter “poopy.” And when I addressed it with the daycare manager, rather than admit that there was a racial element at play I was dismissed with “All 8 year old boys use potty language to everyone.” This morning, I found myself trying to explain to my 14 and 16 year old black daughters why a compliment was an example of racism. A coach said to them that my younger daughter – who is dark-skinned – is the prettiest black girl she has ever seen. Why not just say she is one of the prettiest girls she has ever seen? Why qualify it by race? If sounds like “For a black girl you are pretty.” I wanted them to understand this because when they are in the work force, they will need to be able to recognize subtle racism in others that could be holding them back. But I know that many white people – even those who parent black children – would say I am looking for racism. I would rather discuss it with my kids than allow them to go into life unprepared for it.
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It sound strange to say but these are beautiful examples of micro-aggressions that people of color experience all the time. It sounds like you have trained your ears and eyes to recognize them. I’m glad you are talking about them with your kids so they too will recognize them. Maya Angelou has a saying that I live by, “When someone shows you who they are….believe them…the first time.” When you recognize who you are dealing with it helps you in dealing with them. On a side note, why is a coach commenting on how beautiful a young girl is? CREEPY!
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I love the quote and am saving it to share with my daughters. The volleyball coach is a college-aged white woman (20 or so) – a little less creepy. : )
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Much less creepy. It makes it even worse than because this could have been a very uplifting comment. Why qualify it by adding color. I agree this was a polite why of saying, “You’re pretty…for a Black girl.” Grrrrr!
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The skin tone thing is so sad. My friend was often told she was pretty for a “dark girl”… It was such a huge issue for her
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This is spot on Kevin and very timely. “I am not a racist, I don’t see color,” makes me want to vomit. As does the more aggressive “Are you saying that I am a racist? Are you calling me a racist?”
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Speaking to the “I don’t see color” comment; it is always so striking for me to see how uncomfortable my husband and I make people when we positively point out our son’s ethnicity and the characteristics that make him, him. While we have a lot of diversity in our family, my immediate family is 3 white individuals and one mixed race individual. My mixed race son knows he has tan skin, knows he has curly black hair, he loves that his mama has black hair too, he teases his little brother for getting “pink” in the sun, and he embraces and owns his ethnicity even at the age of 3 1/2. However, if we talk about his tan skin around a non family member, it’s almost as if they blush, or “why do you point that out to him?” Because we must!
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