When I used to work in the corporate world, it was required that every year or two we would have diversity training. It was usually the same thing each time. An “un-diverse” team of people would show up and they would take us through some exercises that were supposed to teach us all to be tolerant of each other. I would hear the word, “tolerant” more in that training than I had the 6 months before the training. Usually, I would leave the training more frustrated than before it began. The main message of tolerance enrages me. When I hear that word that someone created to put a positive spin on diversity I only see negative images.
“He tolerated the pain well.”
“They were able to tolerate the noise.”
“She managed to tolerate the harsh weather conditions.”
Being a person of color, I don’t want to be “tolerated. ” Whenever I have had to tolerate something, I am counting the minutes until I am relieved of whatever it is that I have to tolerate.
Any diversity training that uses the philosophy of tolerance will never gain my support. When I hear that verbiage, what I hear is, “Just put up with the minorities until we don’t have to.”
As adults in the corporate world and in society, we struggle with how to manage diversity. Often times the training is done so someone in a corner office can put a check mark in a box and communicate to their investors that they are now a diverse corporation who believes in tolerance. Year after year I went and tolerated this politically correct movement. Typically, the training would speak to someone else and then they felt the need to come to me(the only person of color in the office) and do one of two things. They would run down their racial resume, which usually started with, “You know my best friend is black.” Or they would now feel comfortable asking me a very uncomfortable question, like, “How come you can call your friend the “n-word” but I can’t?” There was even a time when one individual actually said, “nigger,” and I’m not too sure he wasn’t just using this tolerate environment to say the word aloud to see how I would react. We found out he doesn’t tolerate pain too well. Just kidding! It is in that environment as a minority you learn to let a lot pass through your ears as if nothing was said so you don’t get labeled the “sensitive one.”
It is interesting that we as adults struggle mightily with diversity and how to navigate in a diverse world. We spend millions of corporate dollars to try and figure it out, and although we fail, we at least try to highlight the advantages of different cultures. Yet, in our schools and communities we ignore the need to manage diversity. Diverse communities and schools will flaunt and publicize that they are diverse but often times they do very little to address the diversity. It is assumed that if we bring a diverse group of people together this will be better for all involved. Unfortunately, that is often where it stops. I argue that this is irresponsible at best.
In many diverse schools what is being done is the gathering together of different cultures, beliefs, and races and it is left up to the children to work it out. The adults expect the kids to solve problems we struggle with as adults. So in the end what happens is the majority sets the standard. The beliefs of the majority become the norm. Everyone else is then expected to operate as the majority does. When they don’t they are seen as abnormal. The result is that we bring a bunch of different people together, with different backgrounds and try to make them all function as if they all have the same backgrounds.
The message becomes very clear that the way of the majority is seen as the accepted way and anything different is bad. Instead of learning from the different cultures that come together, it is expected that all the cultures conform to the ways of the majority. This creates resentment from the minorities and the feeling of being oppressed and unable to express who you are. It creates a system where the minorities in a diverse setting hover in a constant state just below boiling. In this environment, the majority feels justified in pointing out to the minority how they are different. It comes across in comments about dress, hair, skin color, or as blatantly as name calling.
In talking to children of color today who are in diverse environments, I have found that nigger is used just as much if not more than it was when I grew up in the ’70’s. Recently, I heard a comedian say, “You keep calling me a nigger and one is going to show up.”
That is so tragically true. The children of color I have talked to tell me often the day comes when they can’t take one more insult, slight, or silly question and then they explode and then they are the ones in the wrong.
When incidents like this happen, then we hear the comments like, “Boy, where is that coming from?” “We sure didn’t see that coming.” You’ll never see the train coming if you never look down the track.
Diversity that is not managed in a setting with young people is like giving each child on the playground a loaded gun and then being surprised when someone gets shot. We must do a better job of creating a place where everyone can be heard and all cultures are celebrated, CELEBRATED, not merely tolerated.
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This is well written. You are absolutely right the word tolerated should not be tolerated in this context, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I found your thoughts on diverse schools and communities interesting as well. My children are diverse students at a diverse school in every aspect of the word; race, culture, socioeconomic status, religion and sexual orientation. I have found that I have had more discussions with my children about all of these topics because of the large amounts of comments and incidents that happen at their school due to its diverse nature. I have also found the staff is not well equipped to address these issues, as a parent I believe it is my job to pick up the slack and not shy away from the hard questions or hard answers that the school is unwilling or incapable of handling. Although difficult at times I have found this to be such an asset to my children as I know they will be that much more prepared to face challenges in the work place. I have often questioned if keeping my kids in this particular school district has been the best choice as they are not the highest rated school in the state by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel the life experiences my children are learning far outweigh the educational doubts I may have. I recently finished your book and particularly liked your chapter on oppression. You mentioned the anger you felt when you realized that white families had the opportunity to live in an area where they never had to see people of color if they so chose. This realization resonated with me and was a very powerful statement. I though of this as I read your blog and thought of how many families go out of their way to send their children to non-diverse schools under the guise that they are “better” schools, it saddens me that parents teach their children such subtle but strong messages as early as pre-school.
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Louise,
Much of the inspiration for this blog comes from my experiences in college where the school had no idea how to help the students manage the little diversity that was at the school so they chose to ignore it which made me feel unworthy and ignored.
I have begun working with schools and talking with students of color and have found many schools are just like the college I went to and the students feel just like I did 22 yrs ago!
I think diverse schools are great but why ignore what could be your most positive asset if managed properly. There’s a lot of work to be done but I’m hopeful some schools will see this and become the standout schools they can be and should be.
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I agree the schools should be doing much more to address these issues. I am glad to hear you are making the efforts you are to make the changes because unfortunately many of the school staff have probably sat through the same diversity trainings you mentioned in your blog and they have only learned to “tolerate” their diverse student body rather than celebrate them.
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Kevin,
I struggle so hard with some of the things you say and how I perceive the topics. I know I can never walk a mile in your shoes so I can not know how you feel, and I’m trying to put myself in your place, or more so in my girls place, so I can understand better. No one can ever call me prejudice against a race or culture. I guess my issue is more with education, parental guidance……. I am having a hard time this year hearing my daughter in 7th grade say things like “she (coach) don’t like us cuz we’re black”. When I know my daughter does not feel that way on an individual basis, she made an “A” in sports. Its not about race, or culture, its about RESPECT, manners, working as a team (in any classroom). I DO NOT want my daughter to think they get or don’t get something because of their race, or color. I honestly believe if they respect others and work hard, they can achieve anything. Yes I know there are raciest people out there, but if I teach my kids not to play into it, to respect their self and others, that they are above the close minded bigots, then they have won. I see to many adults teach their kids that the world thinks they’re not as good because of the color of their skin (black & Hispanic) and that continues to breed resentment and hostility, and then failure, throughout the generations. All my kids are beautiful (bio, step, adopted) and I measure their beauty by whats inside not outside, and thats what I teach them. I honestly think we set our self up for failure if we FORCE people to accept others. In Houston we were bombarded with people from Louisiana after the hurricane. It got really bad and ugly for awhile. I know people will say it was a race thing, but it wasn’t, it was a respect thing. We were so open to helping, then our crime rates sky rocketed. We did not cause the hurricane but we were punished for what happened to the people of Louisiana, not everyone, just enough of the rotten apples to make it a racial thing, just enough of the “welfare mentality” to set us back 40 years. I guess what I’m trying to say is if minorities don’t make it about being a minority, then the majority wont make it about being a minority. I know so many people (a lot of teachers) that would love to take the race card and throw it away, never to hear about it again and lets just live, love, and RESPECT each other. In that respect we can carry out our cultural differences and still get along.
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Debi,
One on the biggest cons on white privilege is the belief that “if you just work hard you’ll get ahead.” The institutional racism is so much bigger than is realized. Another myth is that people of color are just whining and using the race card to their advantage. Again it is the belief that the majorities way of thinking is correct and anything outside of that is wrong.
I would encourage you to dig deeper with your daughter as to why she is saying that. What if she’s right? If this is her perception you can’t get caught up in proving her wrong because this is what she perceives, right or wrong. If you dismiss it as an excuse, or her being too sensitive that can come across as you dismissing her feelings.
It is my opinion, as a transracial Mom you have to always have in the back of your mind there is a strong probability that your daughters will be treated differently just because she is black. You have to develop a ” spidey sense”
to sniff that out and then defend them against it. You have to becone their ally not their adversary. Ignoring this or dismissing it will only send the message to your daughters that they can’t discuss this with you because you don’t understand.
It’s important to deal with the world we are given and not the world we hope it will be.
I would challenge you to read more about the affects of white privilege and institutional racism. As a transracial mom you’ve got to understand just how your daughters will be affected by them. Dr. Beverly Tatum’s book, “How Come All The Black Kids Are Sitting Together In The Cafeteria?” does a great job of explaining both. Also the essay, “White Privilege: Unpacking The Invisible Knapsack.” does a great job in explaining white privilege.
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When my social worker read out loud “White Privilege: unpacking The Invisible Knapsack,” I felt like blinders has been ripped off my face. In truth, I cried. I made much of the same arguements, like “why would I encourage my child to blame everything on her race?!” What I ended up learning is It IS a balancing act. I don’t want to be looking for racial innuendos hiding behind every corner, nor would I encourage my daughter to do so but I REALLY don’t want to dismiss any of my daughter’s feeling, especially in regards to her race and racism. If I did so I could pretty much guarentee that would be the last time she ever talked to me about such subjects and I don’t want that to happen. As a white mother of a black child I’ve never walked in her shoes and there will be things I simply will NEVER experience that she will. Racism functions today in a manner that is not easily called out but can be just as sinister and damaging. Do you ever watch What Would You Do on ABC? I found this episode VERY enlighening : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIVgMvuCM_k . I even watched it with my kids… they surprised me when afterwards at the ages of 9 and 7 fully grasped how this was an example of racism.
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Excellent post, Kevin, as usual. You write so eloquently and you illuminate for your readers the reality of being a person of color in a predominantly white society. You have a beautiful calling, and help so many white parents understand what their children are dealing with, and I always look forward to reading your posts.
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Kevin,
I know I don’t have the answer, and I try not to be judgmental, I pray I’m not. Honestly in Texas, white is the minority. We are a melting pot, and I have worked with, lived by, every culture, I enjoy people, and enjoy learning from them.
My daughter is not saying these things because she believes them, she is saying them because she hears her friends say them. We talk, thats how I know she does not really believe it. She knows why her teachers say “joy to have in class” on her report card, she will tell me stories of how other students treat the teachers, and I have a foster, soon to be adopted daughter (Hispanic) same grade, that fits in the “lack of respect group” and she gets in BIG trouble for it at home.
Keke knows from experience that I will fight for her rights, to the point where she will say “I will tell you something, but you can not call the school”. I am a Lioness when it comes to their rights. I have gone off on people in stores who will not respect them as a customer, if because of age, color, sex, whatever. THATS what I teach them, to demand respect period and show respect period.
I guess we all react according to what our environment was as a child. I had to fight for respect as a female, and I can see where my distrust hinders me sometimes in relationships, personal or professional .
I will dig deeper, I really want my girls, black and Hispanic to grow up with knowledge so they can make educated choices.
I truly appreciate you opening your “mind” and expressing your feelings. I really do not want to be a “closed minded white person”!! I’ve been called many things but not that, so far. I hope I do not come across as so. I guess I think we all have our burdens to bare…… I have never felt it a luxury to be white, or female, its been my burden. BUT, its what makes me an awesome mom, my girls will not have to endure what I did, the generational curse will be corrected and end here!!! Have a blessed day! And THANK YOU!!
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Debi, I am confused by what you are saying. I don’t know what you mean about ‘forcing’ people to accept each other. No one is obliged to like anyone else, but as you say, people need to treat each other with respect. The sad fact is that people of color ARE frequently treated poorly; they are on the receiving end of the disrespect. I wish that was not true, but I’ve never met a person of color who said, wow, I’ve never experienced racism. Racism is deeply woven into the fabric of society throughout the western world. I would ask you to consider this… if your child is taught that racism is not a barrier in this world and that she will be fine if she works hard and respects others, when the day comes that she is discriminated against, how will she interpret that? Will she understand it as bigotry or will she feel she somehow deserved that treatment?
As the white mom of an Ethiopian son, I feel that I have to teach my son to identify all of the -isms and know that they reflect on the person whose mind is polluted with them, not on him or whoever is being oppressed, mistreated, etc. The last thing I want is for him to be exposed to the more subtle manifestations of racism and conclude he deserved to be treated badly, not hired or promoted, whatever.
When you say “I see to many adults teach their kids that the world thinks they’re not as good because of the color of their skin (black & Hispanic) and that continues to breed resentment and hostility, and then failure, throughout the generations. ” it sounds like you are blaming failure on individual people of color without considering that the hostility you mention could be (and I believe in most cases is) a result of years, generations of racist treatment. Racism can be very subtle. It’s the boss who always promotes the white applicant while telling the black applicant how well he did and what a tough call it was as well as the boss who doesn’t even interview the black applicant. When I stop and consider the relentless nature of the small slights I have heard people of color report as normal parts of their lives – being followed quietly by store security, never getting that promotion, being called too sensitive for objecting to racist jokes – when you stop and consider the sheer volume of idiocy people of color tolerate, it’s amazing there is not MORE hostility.
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I have to add, my daughter IS treated differently because she is BLACK with a WHITE mom. What she is finding out though is that her friends (true friends) accept it, they even “friend” me on facebook, I think so they can get a deeper look into her life that she so heavily guards.
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Let me add that the system of racism has nothing to do with numbers. I was once asked that when the majority is no longer a majority( I think by 2020 the numbers will have shifted technically making whites a minority) will racism go away. My answer was no, because the system is set up to benefit whites regardless of the numbers so even if you are a white person who is a minority in your community you still benefit from the unequal system that is in place and people of color are still affect by that system.
Look at the NBA or NFL. In that community, people of color represent the majority but those in power, the coaches and owners are mostly white. You either have to subscribe to one of two ideologies. Either it’s because there is an unequal system that prevents people of color from getting ahead or you believe that people of color are somehow incapable of being in leadership positions.
As I said earlier institutionalized racism is a system that bleeds into so much of our American culture that we don’t realize just how much it affects so much of what we do.
As transracial parents you’ve got to study and learn this and teach your children. By doing so you actually do the opposite of handicapping them you empower them by giving them the knowledge they will need to succeed in such a system.
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Thank you for pointing this out Kevin. I would also like to drive your point home by bringing to attention the oppression Black South Africans suffered under the Apartheid despite the fact that they make up over 70% of the population and White South Africans only make up around 10%. This is a good example to show that power is not always found in numbers, but more so in resources and opportunities. Deb I do not want to beat you up as you have a right to your opinions, but I have to admit I am personally offended by your comment about “welfare mentality”. Anyone that has not lived their life in the grips of poverty and does not know how it feels to sit in front of a case worker asking for help just so they can feed their children should be very careful before they speak on the mentality of people seeking public assistance. “Welfare mentality” conjures up negative stereotypical images most often directed at people of color despite the fact that the vast majority of people that use the welfare system are White. As a person that has utilized the welfare system and continues to struggle with poverty I would ask that you be very careful not to use this term when referring to a group of people so as not to continue this offensive stereotype it is as bad as using the term “ghetto” simply because people do not approve or take the time to understand a person’s lifestyle, so they demonize it and look down at it.
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“Forcing” was referring to what Kevin was talking about the diversity training, which was just so they could check it off on their “things to do list” that no one got anything out of it or even wanted to be there.
I guess I do not have the ability to express myself as well as I’d like. I know the world is full of “prejudice” people.
I just asked my daughter if she felt like she was treated any different because she was black, either at school or other places. Fully expecting her to say “YES, where have you been?” Her answer was “What are you talking about? Segregation went out a long time ago, thats old stuff”. You may interpret her words as you wish, all I know is I feel good that she feels good about herself! I have done my job as her mother to build her up as a person, not as a female, or black, or even as a “crack baby” that could use so many excuses to fail if she wanted to. She and her sister are beautiful, smart, over come so many obstacles in their short lives, race is so not an issue in our home and I will not let it be.
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Debi,
Race may not be an issue in your home but unless you are raising children in a plastic bubble, they WILL be affected by it once they walk out your front door.
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You remind me of my Amom. Race was not an issue in my home as a kid either. My mom saw me as her child. Not her adopted Chamorro child. So I was never taught anything about racism. I guess since she accepted me & loved me, everyone else would too. When I was 9 we lived in a suburb south of Chicago. Very small town. I was hit with racism like a ton of bricks. I had NO clue it was racism I was encountering. I always thought that something was wrong with me & not a good person. Keep in mind we moved a few times to different suburbs so I changed schools. But @ every new school I was treated the same. The outcast kid. The kids were not subtle where I lived they wasted no time letting me know that I was a “nigger” & I didn’t belong there. As obvious as this was I did not understand i was dealing with racism. Because i was not taught anything about it. When I told my mom that the kids were calling me “nigger” she told me “you are not black”. So I couldn’t make the connection to racism. Because people were looked @ as black or white, racism dealt with black people. So I thought. It wasn’t until i was in my later 20’s that it was racism. So for a little more than 10 years I believed I was not a good person. Even though I know why I was picked last to be on the team, why everyone always stared @ me when I would go to public places with my family, why they told me I didn’t belong there & why merchants followed me & not my friends in their stores, I still ? whether I am a good person or not. Keep in mind my family treated me like a princess. I believe I would look @ myself differently had I known & understood that it was racism I was experiencing. I do not hold my family accountable for this. I believe the adoption system failed to educate my transracial family. So please, inform your girls of the racism that is there especially in its most subtlist form. Like you, my mom built me up as a child but, the racism outside my bubble broke through & crushed me. Don’t let this happen to them. Remember I did not know it was racism until my later 20’s. So if my mom asked me @ 9 if i thought i was being different cause i am Chamorro, I would not know how to answer her. All the kids treated me the same. I was the dark & ugly kid that didn’t belong there.
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Lesli,
Thanks for being so honest in sharing your experience. I would like to underline you point that often kids don’t realize what is going on, so to ask them questions like, “are they being racist etc.” really does no good. Again, parents have to educate their kids about the world we live in so the kids don’t walk away from these horrible situations like we did thinking we were damaged and unworthy.
It’s important to use the talk about racism to build your children up and prepare them for the world that exists today. If were wrong and they never encounter any racism the result is you have build up a strong confident child of color and that ain’t bad. It we’re right and you don’t we both know the consequences. The child suffers!
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I never thought of white privilege prior to adopting- and now is so obvious to me. I’d seen racism and was horrified but never realized that institutional white privilege is simply passive aggressive racism and it is NOT acceptable! The word tolerance has always bothered me- I don’t want my daughter to be tolerated- I want her to be ACCEPTED to be welcomed with warmth and love. I don’t want her to be the token friend that makes otherwise racist people feel that they embrace an entire culture. I think as a white parent to a black child it is VERY important to acknowledge racism and white privilege and to discuss it. If you don’t stand up for your own kids then who will?
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@ Louise ahh, and you are assuming I have never had to struggle or been on public assistance aren’t you? I am not stating that everyone on assistance is there because they have made it their life long goal. I think you know what I am referring to, and I do not take offense to what you say because you are judging me and you do not know me. I do not state anywhere that the “welfare mentality” is limited to one race or two, and I do not limit the term “ghetto” to any race either, its a frame of mind, not a race. I guess I just do not get it. EVERYTHING is not about race, its about education or lack there of.
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I appreciate your well-written commentary. I never thought about this edge to “tolerance” but you’re right, it’s a luke-warm rendition of what needs to be a passionate call to true celebration and a sensed humanity that goes deeper than diversity itself.
I probably shouldn’t post replies when I’m tired – and have had a drink – but I do feel the urge to comment about the sense of deja vu I experience reading the dialogue above between Debi and et al. It has an analogy in the other questions that come up for me as an adoptive mom, e.g am I planting the idea of future grief by reading books such as “A Mother For Choko” or “A Place in My Heart” to my 5-year-old – adopted on the day of her birth – who has not (yet) comprehended that a loss had to occur for the gain of our parentage? One wants to believe that a pure wholeness can be maintained because of the intensity of our desires. By another hopefully not too disjunctive analogy, it also reminds me of the aspect of white privilege that is slippery for many I have talked with: that it is unconsciously (or perhaps in some cases consciously) comfortable in a compensatory way, despite the fact that it doesn’t really work well for those of us who are poor/working class, or otherwise divorced from the actual power that accrues to the few at the top – is it denial or simply belief that our ship has not yet come in? If only we can perfectly believe in the ideals of meritocracy and individual freedom for all without noticing the increasing income gap/class divide, we will achieve the American dream; if only we can teach our kids to be perfectly faithful that their talents and sincerity will dispel the miasms of cynical or ignorant xenophobia then we will achieve the dream we all wish to experience courtesy of Dr. King; etc. I think there is a place for getting out of the way in letting a child walk his or her own path – in fact, ultimately, one can’t walk any path but one’s own; but parenting does come with a responsibility, to gain trust and respect, and to earn that I can’t escape the imperative to care more about becoming worthy of that respect than about nursing my own unfulfilled dreams; the parental motivation trumps the defense mechanism that conflates my need to resource personal needs long unaddressed as a result of my own victimization (as a female child of a mentally ill working class Irish mother and Italian father who became a substitute mother much too early) with the obligations of others to take care of those needs – i.e., I can’t stop people from asking rude questions about our adoption, or from treating my daughter as a second class citizen – it’s out of my control, much as it might make me feel better if I could. However, I can work with my own feelings to the point that (I hope) she can feel comfortable talking about these feelings (of being different, essentially) with me at any time, better sooner than later, because she will encounter all kinds of experiences around these issues over and over, and it doesn’t really matter how I conceptualize them – she will still get many more questions, subtle and not-so-subtle challenges, silent but deafening inuendos – than I will. It almost becomes incumbent on me to educate others about the complicated issues that ensue from their sometimes innocent (thoughtless) curiosity – because we ARE touched by adoption and racial identity crisis although they are not. Books such as the one’s Kevin mentioned are important. I’m currently reading “Debating Race” with Michael Dyson. I’m collecting books to read with my daughter, planting seeds slowly. I hope to come to more felt understanding of how to become a white ally.
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I think this was a fantastic article. Sometime, Kevin, do you think you could write on what you think it should look like??? I totally get that “tolerance” workshops are not the answer… but what is? I also get that we should celebrate not just tolerate. But again, what does that look like? I would love to hear your thoughts on this so I can get a better picture of what *would* work.
Thanks so much for all you do.
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Real quickly, it means having a real frank discussion to talk about the boogie man in the closet and under the bed. I have begun working with high schools to have this kind of talk and the administrations are so nervous about talking about the obvious. For children it comes down to education. Teaching them what is acceptable behavior and what is not. It means showing the kids more positive role models of color and creating an environment where they can talk about race and different cultures so they can learn to respect them instead of make fun of what they don’t understand.
You’re right I will have to write a blog with a better and bigger picture of how it should be. I’ll put it on my list.
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Tolerance is a word that has always bothered me as well. A while back I decided I will accept and love all who are in my life but will not tolerate everything that is brought about from those in my life or my own behavior in certain matters. I too believe that tolerance is a politically correct cop-out. We each can and must make a difference in our little circles of influence on acceptance and Celebration of the diversity in our community. The ripple effect spreads beyond what we can know. Some of us are in more influential positions than others and can really spread a positive, joyful embracing of diversity. I hope we would all agree it starts in our homes with examining of ourselves, with our children and spouses, and emanates from there.
Grow and change with the new knowledge that many of us have walked into by becoming transracial families, embrace a new life that requires us to be a positive ripple in the “lake of our melting pot” country. There are some huge realities out there and they are not going away anytime soon. We must face them and walk what we all are talking about. Thanks Kevin for being open about your life and all that it has taught you and that you are now teaching to so many others.
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After re-reading, and thinking, a lot about this, and wondering why I feel like I live in a different world than most of you posting is, because I do, believe me I have asked others if I’m being closed mined ( Kevin, I even asked Janeana). Of coarse their first response was a faith based reply, then they pointed out that my girls are surrounded by people of color, we do not live in a bubble, we live in a glass house, because we still foster we have all kinds of people walking through our doors. Our church is multi racial, even black people from Saint Lucia, and Jamaica. Hispanic people, of different cultures. I could not place my girls in a more culturally mixed environment than what they are in, blacks from Louisiana, Creoles, high income, low income, educated people with PHD’s black, white, brown…. immigrants, whites, blacks, that barely have anything, ….. they are exposed and live daily with it all. Other kids in their school, after knowing them for years they find out are adopted, or had been in foster care….. They have been exposed (lived with in our house) to white foster kid that called them the “N” word.
They know if someone has a problem with them, it is that persons problem, not theirs. If they have a problem with someone, its their problem to deal with, not the other persons. Yes I teach them the Ten Commandments especially, love thy neighbor as you love yourself and put GOD first.
I have no fear that my girls will not be prepared for whatever life throws at them, they have a huge support system and people of all races, color, and economic status that care about them.
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Debi,
The whole point of my post is that just by merely bringing different cultures and races together without managing it can cause problems. Assuming that we can bring all these differences together and they will figure it out shouldn’t be tolerated. We as adults have to lead them and guide them through it.
If you are doing that, if you are preparing them for a diverse world then I have no issue and we’ll just chalk it up as a misunderstanding.
But in your original post there were several things you said that I saw as offensive and troubling. If you didn’t realize that or mis-spoke I understand that too but the standard for TRA families has to be higher. You have to be hyper-sensitive to the hurtful things that can be said and done that can hurt those of color.
In the end I’ve got to err on the side of the kids. I’m not here to judge but I will challenge all TRA parents to be more open minded and humble to realize they can always to better.
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This will be my last posting here, I promise. I apologize if I offended anyone. I do not feel I made an offensive remark towards a race or color, it was so far from the point I was trying to make. I see nothing wrong in just accepting each other either.
I worked for years at a restaurant chain that was owned by a man from Pakistan. First I worked in a restaurant, then asked to be moved to the corporate office (I wanted 8 to 5 so I could be home with the kids, opposed to working with my husband). They moved me to the office, I did not realize what a major move that was for him. I was the only “American” in the office, for years. I was accepted, and I know it was because I accepted them. I learned a lot from them and they learned from me. We embraced each others differences, we learned so much about life style, food, clothing, religion….. Do I like the food? No! Do I like their clothing? No. Do I accept their religion? No. BUT, I accept them, the same as they accepted me and my crazy life as they would say to me, in jest. It all came down to mutual RESPECT. Tolerate? I don’t know, adjust, yes. We have to tolerate a lot each and everyday of our lives, differences yes, but people? Thats a sad thought. We tolerate behaviors….. I guess that was the point I was trying to make when I was being offensive.
For me, its not about the color of your skin, or how big your pocket book is, nor how many letters you have after your name. It comes from within, I believe a lot of people think the same as I do. I believe that racism , prejudice, is taught from hurtful hearts, from all races. Again I apologize if I offended anyone, it was the last thing I was trying to do.
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Dear Lesli, thank you for sharing your experiences- it must have been painful to recount them. I want you to know that by your speaking out in forums such as this you are ensuring that other transraical adoptive parents have a better understanding of what our child/children face. For that I am very grateful. Love is not enough and blinders do not make life better for children. Also, Debi, it might be important to note that the difference between racism and prejudice is that racism is backed with privilege- that is, white privilege. Even if your daughter doesn’t feel racism it might be that she doesn’t know what racism truly is- it isn’t always overt- passive aggressive racism is ever present- I had to drop out of a music class because other mothers guided their children away from my baby and told them to play with the other kids- they also would not even speak or look at me. My sister was on the side-lines and thought people were just being snotty- then as we were leaving what I had observed was made clearer for her when the women refused to get on the elevator with us and we heard one hiss to the other that her child did not mix with “those people.” I told her off and made a complaint but got no where- so I made a complaint publicly- we must stand up for our children! Also, I can guarantee that my baby if she was older would not necessarily realize this was racism- she would think they were just being mean like her auntie…So, Kevin thank you for making sure that my eyes are now open and racism will be discussed in our home…
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I just watched this “Dark Girls”. The older woman with the white hair, said what I was thinking.
There is a much bigger problem than what other races think about the black race. “Tolerate” yourselves first.
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Kevin, this is wonderful. I am the white mom of children of color, and my eyes have been opened to all that you are saying over the last several years. My girls are teenagers now, and we were fortunate enough to attend a very diverse school – as Louise stated – diverse in every way. Socioeconomically, religiously, racially, orientation-wise. And I say fortunate because the staff and faculty worked very hard to do exactly what you say – to celebrate diversity. Everyone had a place at the table, as it were, and I believe we are all better people for it. My youngest daughter has just started at a new school this year, racially diverse, but without specific plans for dealing with it. They will – it is a brand-new school – but creating an atmosphere in which all cultures are celebrated is a lot of work, especially when most of the students come from schools that were essentially homogeneous. But it is a great learning experience if we embrace it as that – we can all learn from and about each other, as we move forward without suspicion and fear.
I really appreciate your words, and will read more of your posts – I’ve just been sent your blog link. I’ve been preaching the “don’t tolerate, celebrate!” mantra for awhile now, and it’s refreshing to know I’m not alone!
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