This past weekend I was fortunate enough to be a part of a powerful discussion at an adoption conference in Chicago. I was the adoptee representative of the triad and was joined by an adoptive mother and birth mother and for approximately 45 minutes we sat in front of about 300-400 people and had a conversation. It was our chance to ask the questions of each other that we have wanted to know personally or questions we thought others in the audience would want to know. It was a unique opportunity to have a unique conversation. Since I never met my birth mother and I didn’t really talk about adoption with my parents, I used this as an opportunity to further try and fill in some blanks for myself. Yes, at 45 years old, I still have blanks that I need filled from my adoption experience. I have recently come to the conclusion, that as an adoptee, I will never “just get over it,” like some people may assume. So my journey now is to address the issues and struggles to find closure and peace, and pass along these lessons to those who come behind me. From this conversation, on the ride home for Chicago, a powerful image came to me that I wanted to share.
It is my understanding that many adoptive parents look at the triad in the shape of an isosceles triangle(Mr. Fridge, my 10th geometry teacher would so proud of me!) where two points are closer together and the third point is a considerable distance away. This way the adoptive parents and adoptee are in close proximity to each and the birth parents are at a distance. One of many unspoken thoughts is that if we can keep the birth parents at a distance than the relationship between adoptive parents and adoptee will remain intact and close. Having an open adoption, may be scary for some adoptive parents because it’s seen as threatening to their relationship with the adoptee, therefore, it’s easier to keep the distance between adoptee and birth parents at a comfortable detached distance, if at all.
But what if the triad was diagrammed in the form of an equilateral triangle(Look at me Mr. Fridge!) where all sides are equal. This way you can’t push one point away without all points growing further apart. Then I wondered, how can we adoptees have a close relationship with our adoptive parents if we have unresolved issues with our birth parents? Upon further reflection it became clearer and raised more questions. If adoptive parents work with adoptees and help them work through their relationships with birth parents and teach the adoptee how to love birth parents, won’t that also teach the adoptee how to love the adoptive parents? If, as an adoptee, I am taught to keep my birth parents at a distance doesn’t that also teach me to have a distant relationship with my adoptive parents?
What do you think?
I am an adoptive parent of two children (biologically unrelated) from foster care. The birth parent connection has been difficult as we try to find the right balance that will be best for the boys. The troubles and dysfunction that brought the kids into the system in the first place continue to be a part of their birth parents’ lives. While there has been anger and resentment on the part of the birth parents that we will not leave the boys with them alone, there has also been so much hurt for the boys when they seem to be forgotten for months at a time. I am usually the one that reaches out to renew contact for a holiday or birthday because I see how hurt the children are when they think they are forgotten. We have occasional contact with a couple of extended members of each family that are more stable. I hope those bonds will grow as the kids get older.
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Julie,
First and foremost is the kids safety. I think it’s possible to teach emotional closeness without physical closeness. I also think to show love to someone who is struggling and not at their best teaches all kinds of great lessons. Keep putting the work in! It WILL payoff.
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Excellent points as usual Kevin
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Thank you for this insight! My son (age four, Ethiopian, entered orphanage at 1 month of age) has a lot of anger when I mention his birth family. I want to teach him forgiveness and compassion for them as they did their best to ensure his well being, and reading this reminds me that I wouldn’t mind some forgiveness and compassion myself for the many times I stumble as a mom! And yes, I agree it is the AP’s job to teach love and respect for the birth family… while also respecting the adoptee’s right to any and all feelings s/he has about them too. Always good to ponder this more.
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I think it is an unfair stereotype of adoptive parents to present the triangle this way. I know many adoptive parents, including myself, who have gone to extreme lengths to contact and maintain a relationship with their child’s birthfamily. I know of many cases where the biological parents have chosen to have very little or no contact despite efforts on the part of the adoptive parents.
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If this unfair stereotype gets one family to re-evaluate the way they view this relationship I would see it as a success. If this post can help point out that some times the pain that comes with giving a child away simply doesn’t go away and for some contact is too much for them to bear then I think this post was a success.
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Exactly! I’m working crazy hard to have relationships with my boys first families….but I can’t wait to share this with all my other adopting friends! Kevin I just found your blog via the closure Facebook page and I am so thankful for you sharing all of these thoughts! I hope they make me a better mom!
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Chantel,
Glad to see you here. I hope you can learn from my experiences. Just having you here willing to put the work in will make you a better mom! Thanks for stopping by!
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I have been thinking about this post since I read it yesterday. I guess the thing is that I have never felt like I was part of a “triad”. When I adopted my children it was with the assumption that my family had grown by not just the children, but by their extended families as well. I see our family as more a circle with the children in the center and all of us, whether physically present or not, equal in love and distance from the center.
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Great Points Lee!!! I like this approach.
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Kevin – Not only would Mr. Fridge be proud, but I really like your imagery of the isosceles and equilateral triangles – and the notion that the adoptee resolving issues with birth parents will strengthen the relationship of the adoptee with the adoptive parents (pulling all of the points closer together). Five years ago, we adopted an 11-1/2 year old girl from Vietnam. Two years ago, at her request, we located our daughter’s birth family – and she has occasional telephonic contact with her birth mother (and others). As she struggles with different aspects of that relationship (including the harsh reality that she was relinquished to the orphanage at 10 months because she is severely vision impaired), she has sought out counseling (cognitive behavioral therapist who describes it as “acceptance therapy” – learning to accept the realities of her situation and make the best of them), from time to time. The therapy has helped her to grapple with her complex emotions (grief, anger, confusion, jealousy, etc.). As she has been permitted to work through that process, she has gradually grown closer and more accepting of her place in our family. This fall, she asked to change her last name to ours. (Given her age at adoption, we thought it inappropriate to change it without her consent – and she earlier wanted to keep her birth last name.) Her growth and maturation is all a complicated process with many pieces. I would anticipate that her grappling with adoption issues will be a lifelong venture. (Perhaps a little like recovery from addiction – where recovery never ends but is an on-going process.) Facilitating her ability to continue to grapple with these issues is vital to her well-being – and helps strengthen our family overall. – Kay
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Kay,
Great to see that although its a tough road you are walking down it with the understanding that this will payoff eventually.
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I think that showing respect for ALL members of the adoption triad (including adoptive parents) is the best way to have healthy discussions that will make an impact. You are much more likely to get more people to listen by showing respect instead of using stereotypes.
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I don’t understand how I’m not being respectful of all. I’m asking people to do what you’ve done and that’s being disrespectful? Never did I say all adoptive parents are like this. Again if this causes others to view this in a different light than it is a success.
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The reason I feel that way is there was no recognition of the many adoptive parents who work really hard to maintain relationships with the birthparents. I have worked VERY hard to do this and it hasn’t been easy, so when I see only negative comments about adoptive parents efforts it is hurtful. there is nothing wrong with talking about the negatives as long as some positives are discussed also
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What negatives have I discussed?
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I should add that I think many people view adoption as the first triad that you drew Kevin. I have my own extended family often asking me why I do what I do–why do I go the extra mile–why do I work to include first family contact as carefully and extensively. Somehow my family see that as marginalizing their relationship with my children which just seems silly to me. Kids don’t operate like that.
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Lee,
The effort that you put into it is wonderful and I applaude you for it. From my experience and the families I talk to I would agree that many don’t go to the lengths you have. Keep doing what you do!
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As an adoptive parent, I agree with you, Kevin. Teaching our children to love their birth parents and helping them work through their feelings will (I hope) help them bond more closely with us as well. By doing so, we are caring for their hearts in a profound way. It can be hard not to be threatened by the bond between children and their biological parents, but if I truly love my daughter, then I will learn to care about what is important to her, including her biological family. The more I learn to love her for who she is, not for who I want her to be, the easier this becomes.
Sometimes when I share these thoughts (and the ways that we pursue an ongoing, close relationship with the birth mother), people are surprised. But as I think and pray about it all, it makes perfect sense to me. And when I imagine being an adoptee myself (which isn’t much of a stretch as I was born to a teenage mom who wasn’t married when I was conceived), I can imagine wanting my adoptive parents to love me in just that way.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! They are so helpful.
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So happy to have found your blog. My husband and I, both caucasian, adopted a son from Ethiopia 2 years ago. He is 6 now. As he gets older, especially, I feel very ill-equipped to help him deal with racial issues that I don’t understand and haven’t experienced. Always thankful to find resources such as this to help!
As for relationships with birth families, we always thought we’d be afraid to have a relationship with whatever child we adopted’s birth family. Then we adopted. And we met his father and realized that he was our family too! We care for and love his family back in Ethiopia and long for the day that we can go back to visit. Until then, we send yearly updates with pictures and letters and videos which the guide that we hire to deliver them show to him. His birth father calls us “his family in America” and we consider them family, too. I love your perspective on maintaining all relationships. Thanks for sharing!
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Lori,
That relationship and connection to the birth father is invaluable. Thanks for doing the uncomfortable so your child can become more comfortable with who he is!!!
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