The red and blue lights turned on and began to circle as Mom looks in her rear view mirror. The police car that sees her before she sees it is pulling up closer to her car from the rear. I am in the front passenger seat facing forward unaware of the cruiser quickly approaching us.
Mom, with a disappointed tone in her voice says, “ahh shoot, I am being pulled over for speeding.”
Mom brings the car to a stop on the shoulder of the rural road. The police officer approaches the car as Mom searches for her insurance card and asks me to get the registration out of the glove compartment.
The officer now standing at Mom’s window asks for the two pieces of information we are trying to locate. Nervous fingers and hands often pass over the obvious. The officer is understanding and tells us to continue to look as he returns to his cruiser. Unfortunately, he promises to be right back.
As soon as he leaves and we are able to calm down the registration and insurance card are found. Mom notices the insurance card shows it expired the day before. Mom recalls the new insurance card is on the kitchen table, 25 miles away.
The officer is now back at the door with a pink ticket. He explains Mom was doing 48 miles an hour in a 35 mile per hour zone. He checks her insurance card and notices it has expired. Mom explains she has the new one at home and he is very understanding.
He hands Mom a warning and asks that she pay more attention to the speed limit in this area. She thanks him and he tells her to have a nice day. He returns to his cruiser.
Mom turns to me and says, “Well, that was lucky.”
We continue down the road and I reflect on the many times I have been pulled over by the police. Luck has never been so favorable in my encounters. If I had a Leprechaun with a pot of gold in the front seat my luck would not have been as favorable as Mom’s luck today.
I am conflicted with my thoughts. My initial thought is that if I had been driving I would have gotten a speeding ticket and a ticket for no insurance. Did Mom get a pass because she has less melanin in her skin? How would this have played out if I was the driver?
The only time I ever got a warning and not a ticket was when I was pulled over with two white college friends in the car.
Is this an example of white privilege or me being paranoid. Since there is no way to verify either way I wrestle with the thought that because of my skin I am treated differently or I am being too sensitive.
When I go to the store and I am ignored is it because I am black? When I go to the store and I am given too much attention is it because I am black?
Experience has taught me my skin color may be a factor. I have been conditioned to question its involvement whenever I am treated rudely or unfairly. It is the first thought that rushes to the front of my head.
“Did they do that because I am black?” I spend then next 30 seconds debating the question. It is automatic and a conditioned response.
This past summer I sat in a room with mostly white adults and we openly talked about white privilege. To be in a room of whites who admit there is such a thing as white privilege was an experience in itself.
They were transracial adoptive parents and they were fearful of how white privilege would affect their children.
Since that conversation I think a lot about how it affects me and this is a great example. I am not saying all incidents like the ones above are racially motivated.
The gray area of doubt that accompanies how I am treated and why gives way to a 30 second debate several times a day. To be free of this debate would truly be a privilege.
Ugh. As a white adoptive parent of 2 African daughters, I read this and my heart breaks a little. I hope my kids NEVER feel this, but I KNOW they will.
How do I address it with them without making more of an issue out of it than I need to?
How do you teach someone that, bascially, they’ll be treated with less tolerance/respect sometimes simply because of how they look?
Today my 6 year old told me (the first time ever) that she wants to grow up “pink”, not brown. I explained to her that her brown skin is lovely and that I was so glad she would grow up a beautiful brown woman, that all my kids are beautiful, brown and pink alike. But I know that kids want to be like their parents. And I know they’ll sense there’s something different in the way others treat them sometimes.
It makes me so angry at people. At myself, too… because I am white and wonder sometimes if I do it unconsciously, myself. I hope not.
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I think your last line sums it all up for those people that don’t think white privlege exists. They’ve never had to have those debates. I’ve already in my 20 months of parenting my biracial child had that debate numerous times.
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This is such a huge, un-talked-about issue for everyone – not just people in multi-racial relationships. Until white privilege is named and accepted as real and *then* when white people willingly choose to give up/turn over that privildge, things will never change. It’s not about “come join me up here on the top step” it’s about stepping down off the top step all together and I think because that is very scary and threatening it will not happen until it is forced to happen one way or another. I am part of a racist race simply by being white. My black children and I are going to have to come to terms with that in a very honest and frank way in order for them to be prepared as best they can for the world we all live in. We need more opportunities to have those conversations and I have a feeling transracial adoptive families will be the ones leading the way. Carry on, comrades! 🙂
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Thank you for sharing this. Our son is Haitian. We adopted him at age 2. Even though, it saddens me to read this, it is a reality. My son will most likely be treated differently than other boys, because he is black. As a child I could never understand why it had to be that way. Still as a grown adult I feel the same. I want to raise my son to be proud of himself. I want to prepare him for what may happen when he’s older.
Blessings~
Missy
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This is something that I have gone thru with my eldest son and will be facing with the younger ones eventually. Right now, they are young enough that all policemen are nice (and truly have been nice to them). Also because of my job I actually know virtually everyone on the force in the city we live in so that is an added wrinkle. This is such a hard issue. With my eldest it was actually not that he is black. He is in fact asian indian. He looks decidedly middle eastern. He is also disabled and behaves very much socially outside the norm. (picture waving his arms and talking to himself if he was upset) Now imagine my worry after 9/11. People were unfortunately physically assaulting people they deemed middle eastern after that. I didn’t dare let him out without me for the longest time. I didn’t know what he might do or say because of his disability that others might perceive as a threat and the only way to keep him safe for that period of time was to keep a trusted family member with him at all times. My other 3 kids are black and I dread explaining driving while black to them. There were incidents of this the next town over; it is a conversation we *will* have.
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Well, this blue-eyed blond white girl had NEVER been given a warning. In fact, I have twice had a single car accident because of black ice or snow and both times got a ticket for it.
I don’t deny sometimes it is a race thing, but I would say that is the exception rather than the rule.
I even had a car accident in my husband’s car. He is a paramedic and volunteer fire fighter so he had the light bar and everything. I got caught in a blizzard and skidded in to the rail. No damage to the car but was pointing southbound on a northbound highway. Still got a $125 ticket.
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Kevin, this brings me back to a conversation my husband and I had several months ago following a national news story about a certain black college professor being arrested in his own home. That jumpstarted a converstion that jumped from one “what if” to another. We discussed what would happen if our son was stopped, questioned, or detained by police “if” he was doing nothing more than hanging around outside in our (predominantly white) subdivision. Emotional mom here said I would be outraged if they stopped to question why he was hanging out if he wasn’t doing anything wrong. My more level headed, don’t- get-upset husband said that the best thing we can do is teach him that he may be treated differently bc of his skin color even though it is not right, and teach him he should always be respectful and calm so as not to escalate a situation, while making sure that he is not taken advantage of or abused in any way. I know his answer is the most logical, but the thought of anyone stopping my son just because of his skin color makes me furious – and we are only talking theoretical at this point. My goodness, he is only 10 months old. But as my husband points out, he won’t be a baby forever, and I won’t always be beside him out in the world.
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Oh, and by the way, Kevin . . . . . Just how many times have you been pulled over? 🙂
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I am most concerned by the paragraph:
Experience has taught me my skin color may be a factor. I have been conditioned to question its involvement whenever I am treated rudely or unfairly. It is the first thought that rushes to the front of my head.
Maybe you should reconsider your first thought. Was it maybe something you said or did? I read this article both from the perspective of an adoptive parent with two AA little girls that are too young to have this debate yet and from the perspective of a close friend of many officers. There are so many things that go through an officers mind during a traffic stop that you will never be able to understand them unless you have sat in their shoes and wondered if you are going to survive the next 15 minutes.
I can understand that you have been conditioned to think about this, but is it really fair for this to be the first thing rushing through your mind?
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I think that those of us born “pink” can never know the feeling or advise someone “brown” to rethink their first thought. We have no idea the difference in life experience or how it changes how you think, behave, react. It’s hard enough living in a non-diverse district to teach tolerance. I can’t begin to think how you would teach understanding of what it’s like to be judged by the color of your skin.
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Why is the experience of being judged by the color of your skin so different from the experience of being judged by any other superficial characteristic? We make judgments about people every day – usually based on superficial characteristics. We are also judged by other people every day on the same superficial characteristics. The judgments that people make about me based on my appearance are often wrong, but the only thing that I can really do about that is live my life in such a way that nobody would believe that they are true.
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Chris wrote: “why is the experience of being judged by the color of your skin so different….”
History. A whole “race” of people were determined to be less than human because of their skin color. Collectively. And laws and practices were set up based on this assumption. This is not about individual prejudice, it’s about institutional racism. Big difference. Systemic discrimination, not person to person arbitrary judgment. We are still living with the attitudes and behaviors and in some cases these laws. Wasn’t there a judge recently that refused to marry two people of different races? Institutional racism.
Those of us raising black children need to help them understand this history and present and navigate in ways that are safe and reflect their true dignity and worth from the inside out. Cuz they are sure gonna get messages from the outside that they are worth-less. And one way that happens is by denying them their own experience of reality.
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Since we are on the topic of history, I think we do a dis-service in the way we teach the history of slavery. We act like it is a unique experience to our country that only existed in the early days of America. Slavery is one of the oldest institutions in the world. No one race or people can claim an exclusive right to either side of the slavery debate. For example, historians widely believe that the Egyptians used slaves to build the pyramids. The only difference is that at that time the slaves had the lighter skin and the masters had the darker skin.
However, there is something unique to the slavery experience in America that is worth noting. We are the only country that was founded on a belief of personal worth and responsibility. In that context we quickly realized that the age-old institution of slavery could not have a place in our society. As a result we fought the most expensive and deadliest wars in American history to build a society that we felt was consistent with our beliefs and not the norms of the world. As a result of the lead that we took in this fight most of the world eventually followed and today slavery has been almost completely eliminated from the face of the earth.
(this is getting long, so I’m going to continue in another post)
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(I’m back)
Please don’t get me wrong. I am in no way condoning slavery. It was wrong and I’m glad to see that most of the world has followed our lead and done away with slavery.
That being said, let me bring this back to the topic of the post. I followed a link here from Adoption Voices. On that website on of the respondents told a story about a group being asked if they had ever experienced being pulled over because of the color of their skin. 100% of the white people in the room could not relate to the experience while 100% of the black people in the room could relate to the experience. That seems like an overwhelming example of the idea of white privilege. However, the author states that he was conditioned to place the question of skin color above all other questions. I would be willing to bet that if you went back and asked the same group how many had been conditioned to consider skin color first you would get the same response – 100% of the black members of the group would say yes while 100% of the white members would say no.
I am not denying that white privilege has or does exist. However, if we continue to pass on from generation to generation the idea that you should assume that someone was treating you differently based on the color of your skin then we haven’t made any progress towards the dream of being judged not by the color of your skin but by the content of your character.
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I would like to share my thoughts about racism in America. It is alive an well and if we are not willing to acknowledge it we have a bigger problem. The first time that your child is judged or treated badly because of the color of their skin it will hit home. Years ago I believed that the world would accept my bi-racial child for who she was and not the color of her skin. I could write a book about how she has been treated differently that her white friends. I only wish that I had taught her that the world will judge her differently and she will have to work harder and be smart to overcome the obstacle she will hit because of her skin color. Maybe if I had talked openly instead of avoiding the subject, things would be different for her. The world is a beautiful place with lots of wonderful people but to say that minorities are not treated differently is just crazy.
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Let me share a little bit about my background. First, I like to push people’s buttons. Not for enjoyment, but to make people think. I think we are too afraid of debate in this country and we have let our leaders lead us blindly down dangerous roads because we were too afraid to talk about tough topics. I am pretty sure I have probably offended some people with my comments, but as long as I have given you something to think about, even if it did nothing more than help you solidify your own belief that I am wrong, I am glad we had this opportunity to discuss the topic.
Next, lest you think I am blind to the existence of racism – I grew up in the south in a part of the country where the Klan is still alive and well and David Duke still visits regularly. I am aware of the ugly face of racism and all of the nasty forms it can take. My parents still live there and we visit regularly with our daughters. I know what it is like for my children to be judged and I know what it is like to be judged by black people for the fact that I am white and raising black children.
Years ago (early 1990’s) the government decided to integrate a racially segregated town (Vidor, TX) near where I grew up. They built a HUD project and found one black man willing to move in. He lasted about one month and got sick of the racism and moved out. The tragic irony in his story is that a week after moving out he was mugged and killed back in his old neighborhood.
A week after he moved out the mormon church sent a black missionary to serve in Vidor. He did not come into town under the same context of racial segregation, but at a rather difficult time. He did not come in with the same “us vs. them” mentality. It was not easy, but he served there successfully for quite some time. After his mission he moved back to Vidor to go to school. He married a local girl and started a family. He now teaches in the Vidor school system. (On a personal note, he was from out of the country so my Aunt and Uncle adopted him to make it easier for him to get into school, so he is also my cousin and friend.)
We will all be judged at some point in our life. I want my children to know that there are individuals who will treat them differently and those individuals aren’t very bright and not worth their time to worry about. I don’t want them to be conditioned to think that every time someone treats them differently it is because of the color of their skin. If we always frame every discussion in the context of skin color then we will never be able to move past that.
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White privilege, good guy wears white, bad guy wears black, i believe we have been conditioned in this country to support this white privilege. As an ex police officer in New York I was trained by a senior officer, who was trained by a senior officer, who was trained by a senior officer, from a time where blacks did not have the same legal rights as whites. I was told by my training officer that there were certain areas where crime was more prevalent than others. Certain people were more inclined to break the law than others. This was training that was repeated over and over to many officers. What I discovered was many black officers, like my self, also supported the idea of white privilege. It was part of their training which they accepted without question. Well I didn’t. What I found out was when you looked you would find just as many or more law breakers in the “other” neighborhoods, and just as many or more law breaking “other” people. It was a matter of how you viewed situations, not people or places. I made it purpose to not judge people by appearances or circumstances but to put my self in that persons shoes. To try and view life from their point of view. More often than not I have seen fellow officers give tickets to good decent people who happen to be black, with the sole intention of doing that when they pulled them over. He’s getting a ticket. I have gotten on elevators in plain clothes and see people eagerly get off. I have been followed in department stores and then I would let my service revolver show just to see the response. Usually a squad car pulling up questioning me. It goes on and on and on. If someone’s child never has to go through this, great. But in this country and yes this day and age plain clothes police officers wearing dark colored skin are being killed because of stereotypes and insensitive training.
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Racism hurts. And white privilege and denial that there is racism, is like rubbing salt in the collective wound. And “pushing people’s buttons” for the sake of argument is just plain baffling. I watch my daughter get treated differently every day. Do I know each and every moment of this is due to race? No. Do I see patterns and themes and trends that SCREAM racism? Yes. Does it hurt? YES!!! Does it infuriate me? YES!!! Does it diminish her spirit no matter how hard we try to boost her up? YES!!! Do I have a responsibility to educate her about racism and prepare her for the various ways it MAY show up so she knows what to do in most of those scenarios? YES!!! So do I have the energy to discuss with some pompous know-it-all who wants to split hairs over how and what a person’s first thought should be? NO!!!!
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Disclosure:
31 year old white male
married to a white woman
1 biological son
Looking to adopt from ethiopia
non-religious
from South Carolina
Heard you on create a family talk radio. We are doing a lot of research into the area of transracial adoption. We are trying to be as educated as possible on all the issues.
I do not deny white privilege exists, I just think it takes a little different form than what most people are thinking.
All the things you mention have happened to me. I get crappy service from places. I have NEVER gotten out of a ticket and I have tried everything people have recommended. I have been treated poorly by numerous places.
The white privilege that I get is that my mind doesn’t have to worry about why it happens. I don’t look outside of the fact that I am getting a ticket for breaking the law or I am receiving crappy service. I don’t have to worry about whether my skin color has anything to do with it. To me in most cases that is what white privilege provides. It is almost a piece of mind.
I social and economic injustices are far more damaging that white privilege. That isn’t to say it is an issue.
I just hope to teach all my children to give others the benefit of the doubt until a person proves they don’t deserve it. Otherwise, you are teaching your child that the world is a cruel place.
I just think a lot of what is considered white privilege is just knowing race has nothing to do with bad things that happen. Minorities have the additional baggage of wondering if race had something to do with it.
And while not race related, I do have similar thoughts due to my location and religious beliefs. People can’t randomly look at me know and know I am not religious. But in the work environment, people eventually figure those things out. Living in a vast vast majority Christian area, I have to wonder if I don’t get raises or pay increases due to not being a Christian.
It is the same type of debate you have. There are many areas such as this, the biggest difference is that race is something everyone knows so it comes into play far more often.
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